Received feedback from woman I dated last week

[YourGreatestFear]

She mentioned to our mutual acquaintance that while she realized I was goal oriented and focused on making money, working on my school/career, hobbies, social life, etc. she felt that there wasn't a whole lot of room for much more.

And all of this means what you bragged a lot. Or else she wouldn't learn all of it about you. Bragging about how cool you are is easiest way to make woman lose interest. Even if you are millionaire then it would make woman less attracted if you say this to her. "Hey, babe - I'm actually millionaire, isn't I'm cool?". We brag to people we consider as above our league, this is why telling a girl how cool you are is a bad thing, she automatically assume what you consider her as above your league. On the other hand if you treating a girl as if she is below your league and not attractive enough, but you still give her a chance - everything changes. Also I'm almost sure what you don't even try to lead a girl to your or hers place at first/second meeting. She don't need to know anything about you to be attracted. On contrary the more specific info you give about yourself the lower your value. You should give her enough info about you for her to feel safe (it isn't much), but not enough to make her figuring you out.

 

[sangheilios]

This is what I'm saying you should focus on getting past. I've learned to connect with people I have nothing in common with. I may not think they are my best friends, but I can still connect with them. Not everyone though. Consider talking to more strangers. Consider a different therapist. Consider a DBT group. Have you ever been tested to see if you may be on the Asperger's spectrum? I don't mean that as an insult. I just know that what you describe is a main characteristic of Asperger's. I understand you have friends and are social, etc, but relationships between most guys have a very different dynamic than between a man and a woman. Guys often need little or no connection with other guys. It's often more about convenience and mutual benefits. I have close connections with a handful of my friends, but I have seen many male-male friendships that aren't based on connection or mutual admiration. I really think this is why you do ok with guys but not with women.

I'm being honest, most people I do honestly see as kind of stupid though, as if they are still in high school. I do have friends that I am very close with and they aren't like me at all, I'm not really sure what it is that draws them to me though. I'm pretty sure I've already posted about this on here, but when I was younger I didn't have any friends at all and during high school I was pretty much a social outcast. Those formative years were filled with a lot of abuse and neglect, which is where a lot of the patterns I have started. For instance, I was making a ton of money sophmore through senior year and had people tell me it didn't count, it wasn't a real job, etc. I could make pages of a whole host of experiences that I've had to prove my point but it isn't really necessary, all I can say is that my life has and always will be extremely unique and very unlike that of the vast majority of people out there.

I can and do easily have conversations with random strangers given the right context but as I mentioned I very rarely get anything meaningful from most interactions I have. I don't know what a DBT group is. I've never been tested for that and never really considered it, as I don't rock, flap my hands or have odd mannerisms associated with that.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

but when I was younger I didn't have any friends at all and during high school I was pretty much a social outcast. Those formative years were filled with a lot of abuse and neglect, which is where a lot of the patterns I have started.

Whether you were born with an issue that contributed to having social challenges as a child, or your experiences in HS are causing your challenges today, it is something that I strongly suggest you focus on resolving if you want to be happy and live a fulfilled life. If people treated you this way, your brain can develop attachment disorders in order to prevent further psychological damage from occurring. You have just one life to live and there is no sense suffering through more than you have to.

I don't know what a DBT group is.

Sorry I mixed up my acronyms there. What I was suggesting is group therapy. You have two options for it, one is a group therapy that meets weekly and is moderated/facilitated by a licensed therapist, and the other option is a men's group aka men's support group. The former costs money, the latter is free though some require or suggest a very small donation. Both may be a good place to begin breaking down the barriers that formed in your younger years, by talking about things with other people who aren't your friends and who you only see in the group. It could help you understand what others have gone through, share what you have gone through, and through that process help you learn to trust and connect more easily with people.

I've never been tested for that and never really considered it, as I don't rock, flap my hands or have odd mannerisms associated with that.

Asperger syndrome is on the autism spectrum, but there are varying degrees of it. People with Asperger syndrome generally don't rock or flap their hands. You may know or have met plenty of people with Asperger's and never realized it. Take a look at the wikipedia page for it. There are also free tests you can take online but these are not meant to be used as an official diagnosis - rather, through the questions they ask you, you'll start to get a really good feel for the characteristics and can start to get a sense for whether it could be a possibility, or if it's totally not you. Again, I'm not suggesting you have it, just throwing it out there as something to look into in case it may help you. I have a friend who has an extremely mild case of it and some of the things you say just reminded me of them, but that definitely doesn't mean you have it.

 

[Spaz]

Agreed
Big Dave got put on a 45 day time out by atom smasher a few weeks ago, btw

Hope he gets professional help for his condition.

 

[logicallefty]

Would she have said the same thing to Brad Pitt if he was busy making three movies right now? Reflect on that and answer to yourself.

 

[sangheilios]

Whether you were born with an issue that contributed to having social challenges as a child, or your experiences in HS are causing your challenges today, it is something that I strongly suggest you focus on resolving if you want to be happy and live a fulfilled life. If people treated you this way, your brain can develop attachment disorders in order to prevent further psychological damage from occurring. You have just one life to live and there is no sense suffering through more than you have to.



Sorry I mixed up my acronyms there. What I was suggesting is group therapy. You have two options for it, one is a group therapy that meets weekly and is moderated/facilitated by a licensed therapist, and the other option is a men's group aka men's support group. The former costs money, the latter is free though some require or suggest a very small donation. Both may be a good place to begin breaking down the barriers that formed in your younger years, by talking about things with other people who aren't your friends and who you only see in the group. It could help you understand what others have gone through, share what you have gone through, and through that process help you learn to trust and connect more easily with people.



Asperger syndrome is on the autism spectrum, but there are varying degrees of it. People with Asperger syndrome generally don't rock or flap their hands. You may know or have met plenty of people with Asperger's and never realized it. Take a look at the wikipedia page for it. There are also free tests you can take online but these are not meant to be used as an official diagnosis - rather, through the questions they ask you, you'll start to get a really good feel for the characteristics and can start to get a sense for whether it could be a possibility, or if it's totally not you. Again, I'm not suggesting you have it, just throwing it out there as something to look into in case it may help you. I have a friend who has an extremely mild case of it and some of the things you say just reminded me of them, but that definitely doesn't mean you have it.

When I was a kid up to 12 I had friends and was otherwise normal, though even at a young age I had been through a lot. When I was 13 we moved to a new town and no one would talk to me at all, just a small white trash suburban town populated by people with serious issues despite having money. Anyway, it was just constant abuse that I dealt with at school and at home.

When I was in the latter part of high school I started working out and quickly built up a really impressive body, I was also as tall as I am now and was 6'4" and around 230-235, actually bulkier and heavier than I am now. Anyway, it made people feel insecure so they started calling me fat, pointing out little things about my appearance, like how my chest was shaped a certain way or other stupid **** like that. I tried just ignoring it but through my senior year I couldn't deal with it anymore and had a violent streak that lasted for a few months.

There was one incident when I was wood shop class that easily could have landed me in jail. Myself and this other kid were by ourselves in the storage room before class started and there was literally no one around at that wing of the school. Anyway, he decided to mess with me and asked "what are you going to do about it?". I tried to ignore it at first but then he spray painted on my t shirt when I had my back to him. I turned around to face him and he had this huge smile on his face, which drove me over the edge. I grabbed him by the throat with both of my hands and pinned him down against the table that he had been standing in front of. I distinctly recall the thoughts and emotions I had during that, "why are you good enough for everyone else but I'm not" and just kept squeezing. I do remember feeling a sense of release as well as pleasure from watching the fear in his eyes and also knowing he was feeling some of the pain I had experienced over the years. I ended up letting him go, obviously since I'm writing to you about this right now lol. I'm not currently like this, in case you are thinking that, but that is a part of me that will always be there.

I could type up pages worth of material discussing the things I've been through or done, which I don't really feel is necessary but I'm pretty open about it. I've had a pretty tough life in regards to the experiences I have had but it's made me what I am today. I might not be good at forming relationships or making women like me but I definitely have a lot of other things going for me, which I have always prided myself with.

 

[marmel75]

I'd go with the...

"he checks all the boxes, but he doesnt make my 9ussy wet"

If you've seen Van Wilder, she probably sees you as the boyfriend in the tighty whities who fvcks like a cheetah. You have to be more sexual, more relaxed, and let your personality shine.

Dont worry about offending her.
Dont talk about yourself.
Ask her interesting questions.
And get physical, dont be crude though!

Do some searches on kino escalation and check out this article. It is one of the most succinct and clear explanations of dominance over a woman.. http://www.theattractionforums.com/showthread.php?t=102875

^^^^This

 

[allancc3]

BigDave troll.

 

[oldmanofthesea]

I've had a pretty tough life in regards to the experiences I have had but it's made me what I am today. I might not be good at forming relationships or making women like me but I definitely have a lot of other things going for me, which I have always prided myself with.

I'm honestly sorry all that happened to you. It's good that you can appreciate what you have accomplished in spite of the adversity you faced, but when it comes to women, the specific accomplishments you've achieved unfortunately mean little if you don't also have the social aspect to round yourself out. I know that's tough to hear, especially when so many people tell you women just want a guy who is successful in career/money and has good looks, but life isn't fair as I'm sure you are well aware. As I see it, you have two options to be happy: 1 - Do nothing to heal the wounds from your past, understand and accept that you will have a very difficult time with women because of it, and not get frustrated when you keep failing with women. Or 2 - Put in the work to heal those old wounds and also learn how to operate with women once you get to a point where you are ready to do it without being frustrated. If you don't choose either of these options, you can continue trying to do the same things you've already been doing, getting shot down, and continuing to get frustrated which will likely deteriorate your mental state. It comes down to accept and let-go, or work to fix. The problem with #1 is that if and when you get lucky and find a woman that really does it for you, and she connects with you despite your wounds, you'll set yourself up for possibly the worst case of oneitis in history because she is so rare to you. I'm sure you know the likely outcome of that. So #2 is my advice.