How I got Gaslighted.

[Serenity]

Great post! Very accurate too, I've been there.

There's two things that helped me. That's good knowledge about logic and trusting my senses before anyone's words. Once you are aware of the types of logically fallacious arguments people make you'll see through it so easily. Not only when people knowingly lie, also when they are unaware of all the holes in what they're saying.

Gaslighting is fvcking evil! It is to make someone doubt themselves, it often completely ruins self-confidence. Thankfully I'm immune to it now and on top of that anyone who does it to me will have a bad time... I know my way around the mind games better than anyone who's too dumb to not play them...

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

Gaslighting.

In my years of being here on SS, I've never actually seen this topic talked about. Which is probably why I got blind sided by it and it took up 3 years of my life. This was during a time that I was at my confident peak. So let's talk about the term Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic commonly used by people that have heavy ties with Narcissist Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality disorder. That is not to say that they actually have any of those two disorders. These people are not always physically violent, do not always show any signs of dysfunction, and are not always explicitly manipulative. They also may never get truly angry and will likely never apologize.


Women/people who passively Gaslight are not explicit about it compared to NPD and BPD counterparts. E.g. "You make me want to kill/hurt myself." or "Your ex/family member/friend left you because of what you did." or after a fight/argument "I love you so much."+ extreme affection. Those are blatant signs of Gaslighting.


So let's start with the symptoms.

1. Lying. Not the type of lying where you may or may not know, it's just a blatant lie that they will tell. One of my examples was that she couldn't show up on a date because she had to play a sport due to it raining the day prior(fact)- this was an outdoor sport she was talking about. Meaning the ground would have still been wet resulting in cancellation, I still remember looking at her as if I was stupid. Lies that are just blatantly lies.

2. They deny things that you know is going on. Not exactly blatant lying but it is a form of lying. An example of this is that she was talking to one of my friends behind my back. She also had a boyfriend that she never told me about when we first started talking. She denied these things when it was brought up and became distant when I persisted.

3. Downplaying. This relates to point 2. When called out, they downplay it and make it seem like what they were doing was not a big deal or it wasn't at all that it was. They also make it seem like you're making a big deal out of something so little/nothing. In reality, it's exactly what you think it is.

4. Positive Reinforcement. This is easily the part that got me sucked in. Despite knowing that she was not interested, I continued because of this. I admit, I was weak and fell for it. What they do is drop random hints of positive reinforcement, like "I've thought about us being together" or "I feel like we connect well" or "You're different." Just some form of reinforcement amidst the toxicity. And the thing is... I know better. I was completely aware of the situation but still fell for it.

5. They talk the talk. Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. Never ever forget this. This saying is what saved me from getting into a toxic relationship with this girl. At this point in time, she had a pretty decent control over me but it was never 100%. I was always fighting it and calling her out and believing in myself. They will say anything but will never back it up with actions- this includes making you feel guilty in a passive way.

6. They have you question yourself and her. You begin to doubt everything, you honestly think that you are crazy. At this point in time, I was trapped. I began to question myself and I would go to my abuser, her, for validation. This is where the vicious cycle begins. Points 1-5 get repeated over, and over, and over, again... The more control she had over me the less and less she would talk to me which would cause me to try to talk to her more. The thing is, it never seemed blatantly malicious but the signs are there. If I didn't have such a firm belief in "Actions speak louder than words," I would have been in a relationship with this girl and became her victim. I'd still say that I was partially a victim but during this time, I was actually meeting/talking/sleeping with other girls. I was spinning plates.


She did not like this at all. She would frequently ask to see a picture of the girl in question and would become passive aggressive once I showed her. She would begin to question whether or not we would work out in an attempt to get me to stop talking to them. At this point in time, I started to realize what was going on and I began to adapt. I knew telling her the truth would result in point 5 and 6 happening so I lied or just didn't tell her about them. I always thought it was weird how she wanted to see a picture of the girl in question, it's because she wanted proof that she no longer had control over me.


7. They get people against you. They do this to reinforce the fact that you think you are crazy/need mental help. They will specifically pick out weak targets to align with her without question. I don't need mental help and I am not crazy. So in this situation, I lied to her and said that I got help. Nothing changed. Lucky for me, she has very few friends. The only friend she had was that friend she was talking to behind my back. But he never made a move on her and he ultimately blocked/cut her off from his life. Even he was telling me that I was crazy.

Those are the major symptoms that I saw with this girl. Nearly all of this are backed with research online as well, it's actually insane how much information that's out there on this topic. If it were not for Sosuave, I would have fallen for all of it. I started reading the DJ Bible when I was 16, I'm 22 now. I read that thing religiously and the things that could not get passed that filter are what saved me.

Part 2 in comments....

With enough game, as in, chain gunning cold approach, hitting on baeeees, and pulling absurd amount of baeees, it becomes second nature. Its like a 6th sense.

Bpd, sociopathy, crazy, low sex drive, female logic, etc = #nextSet

There's no ambiguity. Tyler calls it poison drop. Carl black logic calks it beta-tization by a 1000 concessions.

Bottom line, high interest equates to compliance. I lead. She follows or next. Repeat till dead or **** falls off ...!

 

[Ranger]

When she shows you thats what she values shouldnt you thank her and send her on her way?

Then there would be no place for any woman in any LTR or marriage in a man’s life because there are no exceptions.
It’s not what’s she values. You’re looking at it through a man’s lens coupled with your social belief system. Honor. Dignity. Personal value.

I didn’t say it was pretty. I will start that post today. I’ve had some time to put it to words in my head.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Then there would be no place for any woman in any LTR or marriage in a man’s life because there are no exceptions.
It’s not what’s she values. You’re looking at it through a man’s lens coupled with your social belief system. Honor. Dignity. Personal value.

I didn’t say it was pretty. I will start that post today. I’ve had some time to put it to words in my head.

Have you ever thought that some of them choose the counter example to you?

 

[Ranger]

Have you ever thought that some of them choose the counter example to you?

Explain

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Explain

Your a thug and they cheat on you with a clean cut white collar. Or you ar ethical and they cheat on you with a slimey guy. We dont have to valur their choices because it may be trash. Passive aggressive attacks on you.

 

[Ranger]

Your a thug and they cheat on you with a clean cut white collar. Or you ar ethical and they cheat on you with a slimey guy. We dont have to valur their choices because it may be trash. Passive aggressive attacks on you.

I don’t think either of those two matter. What is trash? Who delineates it as trash? From my viewpoint or your viewpoint, we may designate her choices as trash as we view it from the lens of civilization and perhaps our personal moral Codes. Women don’t have codes that reside at the same level as men. That’s an alien concept. You can hold her to it via force but her resentment will build.
We build the world so we have to have them. Women do not. They breed and bear the next generation.

Sure a woman from a certain demographic has molded/adapted herself to survive in that demographic.
But as your know her time of the month has influences as well. I started that thread.
I didn’t want it to be a book but will get to the point soon.

 

[The_411]

As mentioned gaslighting occurs because the gaslighted person has poor boundaries.

You can’t control the gaslighter you can only control if you tolerate gaslighting or stick around someone who is gaslighting.

Would you tolerate an abuser? If not, then you shouldn’t tolerate a gaslighter as it is abuse.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I don’t think either of those two matter. What is trash? Who delineates it as trash? From my viewpoint or your viewpoint, we may designate her choices as trash as we view it from the lens of civilization and perhaps our personal moral Codes. Women don’t have codes that reside at the same level as men. That’s an alien concept. You can hold her to it via force but her resentment will build.
We build the world so we have to have them. Women do not. They breed and bear the next generation.

Sure a woman from a certain demographic has molded/adapted herself to survive in that demographic.
But as your know her time of the month has influences as well. I started that thread.
I didn’t want it to be a book but will get to the point soon.

What im saying is why should we value what SHE values? If shes always going counter to you isnt it obvious?

 

[Ranger]

What im saying is why should we value what SHE values? If shes always going counter to you isnt it obvious?

In reality we wouldn’t value or not value. She has zero purpose of countering you. She resents you or civilization’s structure for blocking her natural born breeding strategy. Even if she has no intention of acting on it. It’s a program that turns her on or turns her off.

Again, you are viewing it from your personal codes and beliefs.
Countering you & “what she values” gives you away.
You can sure enough make her do it against you, that’s for sure. Lol

 

[mrgoodstuff]

In reality we wouldn’t value or not value. She has zero purpose of countering you. She resents you or civilization’s structure for blocking her natural born breeding strategy. Even if she has no intention of acting on it. It’s a program that turns her on or turns her off.

Again, you are viewing it from your personal codes and beliefs.
Countering you & “what she values” gives you away.
You can sure enough make her do it against you, that’s for sure. Lol

They make counter choices against YOU. Thats the point. So the rationale is that its the opposite of you. If your a brawling thug who doesnt go to a job but you hustle youll be cheated with a sharp as a tack well put together white collar dude.

Im not for convincing them of anything anymore. If they dont like my flavor ill agree and send them on their way.

 

[Ranger]

They make counter choices against YOU. Thats the point. So the rationale is that ots the opposite of you. If your a brawling thug who doesnt go to a job but you hustle youll be cheated with a sharp as a tack well put together whute collar dude.

Im not for convincing them of anything anymore. If they dont like my flavor ill agree and send them on their way.

It wouldn’t matter for sure. The one their with is the pivot.

 

[bob2007]

She's in the Navy right now and I remember her saying that Naval school was the hardest thing she's ever done because it was extremely lonely. You don't get your phone or access to the opposite gender when you're there and it's 2 months long. That lust for control is real.

This is a good post I think I'm with a girl like this.

My girl said she wanted to go get a piercing 5 days later on Saturday. I replied something and she just ignored me until Sunday. And asked me where I was Saturday. I said you didn't msg me all week, didn't think you're going. Then she sent me a pic of the piercing and she had gone with her friend.

So this week is the same thing again. One message I reply and then she ignores me the whole week.
She said back in Europe her mom would spend lotsa time with her all the time and check her bags for drugs and alcohol. RED FLAG
She has tattoos. RED FLAG. Does some mdma at raves. RED FLAG.

But I havent' banged her yet. What is the strategy?

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

i agree that experience is the best teacher on this, but some men are so desperate that they will fall for it many time over.

Being your own Mental point of origin is GOAT status.

 

[Murk]

I believe my friend/roommate displays many of these qualities. Prob best to cut her out once she moves. I caught her stealing and she’s lied to my face and called me paranoid/toxic. That was the dealbreaker and can’t go back from that.

 

[highSpeed]

Great post! Very accurate too, I've been there.

There's two things that helped me. That's good knowledge about logic and trusting my senses before anyone's words. Once you are aware of the types of logically fallacious arguments people make you'll see through it so easily. Not only when people knowingly lie, also when they are unaware of all the holes in what they're saying.

Gaslighting is fvcking evil! It is to make someone doubt themselves, it often completely ruins self-confidence. Thankfully I'm immune to it now and on top of that anyone who does it to me will have a bad time... I know my way around the mind games better than anyone who's too dumb to not play them...

I've yet to meet the woman who does not gaslight. If you find one, don't walk, run to lock that sh*t down. If she passes the door test, the erection test and the gaslighting test, she's a real keeper.

 

[Serenity]

I've yet to meet the woman who does not gaslight.

That is quite an accomplishment. I often wonder where you guys find such an extreme lack of variation in women. Shouldn't really be possible.

 

[highSpeed]

That is quite an accomplishment. I often wonder where you guys find such an extreme lack of variation in women. Shouldn't really be possible.

I didn't say my scenario is typical of everyone, I'm simply relating my experiences. Is it my bad choice in women? Do I attract the wrong women? Is that really most women? I'd say it's a little bit of both. Many women do this, probably more than 50% at least. I probably do attract the wrong women to some degree. It's in women's nature to do this, it's a biological imperative for them. If you can't confront someone physically, as most women cannot physically confront a man, then you need to have mental gymnastics to wear them down. Women do this. Women are verbal in nature, men are physical in nature. It's biology at it's core.

I do think that women who don't gaslight are somewhat rare, hence my comment of running, not walking to lock that sh*t down when you find it. I think that men who gaslight are also somewhat rare as most men don't have the time or desire to waste the mental energy to participate in all of these mind games, which is why it is so frustrating for so many men that go through this constant cycle of tearing down.

 

[Serenity]

I think that men who gaslight are also somewhat rare as most men don't have the time or desire to waste the mental energy to participate in all of these mind games

You assume people consciously gaslight. Plenty of men gaslight, some more than others, just like women. I also think your definition of gaslighting is a bit too broad, maybe that's why you think it's so common.

 

[highSpeed]

You assume people consciously gaslight. Plenty of men gaslight, some more than others, just like women. I also think your definition of gaslighting is a bit too broad, maybe that's why you think it's so common.

I didn't give a definition of gaslighting, so I'm not sure what you mean. If you honestly think that men gaslight as much as women, then I'm not sure what to tell you. Most guys I know, if they're f*cked off at you, man or woman, they'll come straight out and tell you. They don't beat around the bush, they aren't passive agressive, they don't give you this snarky f*ck off vibe, they don't confront you through their comments to other people. They don't brush off your concerns, they don't tell you that you are too sensitive, they don't then turn around and do the exact same thing that they don't want done to them, to the guy. If you don't think that's not more commonplace in your interactions with women than men, I want to run in your crowd, because mine is skewed way to the side of women and their sh*tty, passive agressive, gaslighting behavior.