I am broken - Marriage Decision Must be Made

[Bokanovsky]

Reyaj, you said that your finances are in terrible shape. Obviously, that's weighing heavily on your mind because you said it twice. It seems that part of the reason why you want to marry this girl is that she's got her sh!t together (except for her weight) and you don't. Would you still consider marrying her if your finances weren't a mess or would you try to pursue a hotter woman?

Why are your finances in such bad shape? Are you too lazy to work hard? Lack of ambition/motivation? Out of control spending on things you can't really afford? Do you have a gambling or drug problem? I'm not being condescending - just trying to understand what the issue is.

A marriage is the last thing someone in your position should be considering. It's not going to end well. You don't love your girlfriend; in fact, you are not even attracted to her. Your are cheating on her and will continue to do so after marriage. Eventually, you will get caught. She is going to resent you not only for being a cheater but also for not being financially successful (trust me, if she doesn't now, she will after you get married). It's all going to end in a messy divorce. You are going to end up like one of those deadbeat dads, with no money to pay child support and an ex that hates him. You re going to ruin your life, and probably your girlfriend's life too.

 

[KarmaSutra]

The whole premise of this thread boils down to a unicorn.
Obviously the OP has a dilemma. So why did he get into the situation in the first place? Now he’s wasted five years of another person’s life.
Not only did he not follow his own nature but he’s going to have to thrash her to get back to where he needs to be.

She knows how to manage money and he is a financial wreck. I don’t have a dog in this hunt so I don’t give a $hit. The fact is, he’s a chump under all of that.

Blunt answer but true nonetheless. It's this guys' complete disregard for his own boundary which is leading him in five directions at the same time. Insecurity in his decision making is what's weighing him down like a Blue Whale, gasping for air through a pinched straw. Make a decision then stand with it. Whether it's good or bad for someone else is, in truth, irrelevant. Sometimes being selfish is the most appreciative thing you can do for your long-term mental state.

 

[JST8828]

1 - Do not settle down with this girl. Your frame of mind is nowhere near that of someone ready to get married.

2 - I feel you on the weight gain topic. It's a touchy subject but sadly it's just reality for American women these days. They get comfortable after being in a relationship, don't care anymore, and go to hell. Short of finding either a gym nut or someone with genes that will keep her thin, most American women will become big. I experienced this in a relationship years ago as well. It is saddening. She didn't become a "whale" so to speak, but she clearly digressed even a year into the relationship.

Good luck.

 

[Reyaj]

Reyaj, you said that your finances are in terrible shape. Obviously, that's weighing heavily on your mind because you said it twice. It seems that part of the reason why you want to marry this girl is that she's got her sh!t together (except for her weight) and you don't. Would you still consider marrying her if your finances weren't a mess or would you try to pursue a hotter woman?

Why are your finances in such bad shape? Are you too lazy to work hard? Lack of ambition/motivation? Out of control spending on things you can't really afford? Do you have a gambling or drug problem? I'm not being condescending - just trying to understand what the issue is.

A marriage is the last thing someone in your position should be considering. It's not going to end well. You don't love your girlfriend; in fact, you are not even attracted to her. Your are cheating on her and will continue to do so after marriage. Eventually, you will get caught. She is going to resent you not only for being a cheater but also for not being financially successful (trust me, if she doesn't now, she will after you get married). It's all going to end in a messy divorce. You are going to end up like one of those deadbeat dads, with no money to pay child support and an ex that hates him. You re going to ruin your life, and probably your girlfriend's life too.

I like your post..
Would you still consider marrying her if your finances weren't a mess or would you try to pursue a hotter woman?

I've tried to be true to myself and ask myself this question. The answer I seem to come to ambivalence... My thought process is if I was affluent I could have a thinner girl... a head turner... But then my logic immediately tells me that girls like that are only with you for money and if the girl I a with accepts me at a low state in my life, then that's a keeper and that's priceless.

I do have a gambling and spending problem.

I do love my girlfriend and I am attracted to her at times.. but not the same as when we first were dating and she was in good shape. I can't disagree with what your future prediction is for me but it's contingent on the mindset I have..

If this is not the right mindset I don't understand why people aren't encouraging me to change? Basically it just seems people think I'm beyond repair and could never change. Why can't I be encouraged to fix these areas of my life instead of just being seen as incorrigible? I'd like someone to make me see the light of why a life cheating and chasing tail is fruitless. I think I objectively know it but I have a dark passenger.

Blunt answer but true nonetheless. It's this guys' complete disregard for his own boundary which is leading him in five directions at the same time. Insecurity in his decision making is what's weighing him down like a Blue Whale, gasping for air through a pinched straw. Make a decision then stand with it. Whether it's good or bad for someone else is, in truth, irrelevant. Sometimes being selfish is the most appreciative thing you can do for your long-term mental state.

This was the philosophy I followed in my last marriage predicament. I think history will be repeating itself.

1 - Do not settle down with this girl. Your frame of mind is nowhere near that of someone ready to get married.

2 - I feel you on the weight gain topic. It's a touchy subject but sadly it's just reality for American women these days. They get comfortable after being in a relationship, don't care anymore, and go to hell. Short of finding either a gym nut or someone with genes that will keep her thin, most American women will become big. I experienced this in a relationship years ago as well. It is saddening. She didn't become a "whale" so to speak, but she clearly digressed even a year into the relationship.

Good luck.

Yes my gf is not a whale.. my last one was. She just is heavier from when she was when I was first seeing her... I couldn't get enough sex from her initially, now I lust for other women.

You're right my frame of mind is not marriage material... but if its better for myself to get married and have a family shouldn't I work on it?

 

[Reyaj]

I think I'm the problem. I have a sex addiction that I embrace.

Onto probably a deeper feeling here... This might be the sappiest you'll ever hear me sound on here.. I also am not the biggest proponent of trendy songs on MTV. But if you go to 2:39 in this video and look at the left hand side this is a pretty good representation of when I've felt the most rushing happiest moments in life.

Being out with a girl you like, hoping she likes you but you aren't 100% sure what will happen... you end up kissing... I can't describe this feeling of acceptance in words but hopefully someone can relate.

 

[Reyaj]

My girlfriend is fat She used to look good such a shame.

 

[Reyaj]

Are you in good shape and do you work out? Does she feel any competition anxiety?

I'm technically a bit out of shape but I look good physique wise if that makes any sense. We both said we are going to work out consistently this new year so we'll see. The thing that is scary is she does actually work out a few times a week and eats relatively healthy during the week, just not on weekends. I fear it might be her age that is diminishing her looks and weight retention. As Des says once a women hits 27 they expire, my girl is now 28.

Part of me feels likes a dirt bag for being so superficial... the other side of me wants to bang hot girls with thinner bodies.

 

[Fzatf]

I'm technically a bit out of shape but I look good physique wise if that makes any sense. We both said we are going to work out consistently this new year so we'll see. The thing that is scary is she does actually work out a few times a week and eats relatively healthy during the week, just not on weekends. I fear it might be her age that is diminishing her looks and weight retention. As Des says once a women hits 27 they expire, my girl is now 28.

Part of me feels likes a dirt bag for being so superficial... the other side of me wants to bang hot girls with thinner bodies.

Metabolism slows with age but she can still lose weight by eating less calories and exercising. If she has trouble eating less, she should eat foods that will keep her satiated such as complex carbs and fiber dense foods such as vegetables.

The myfitnesspal app is good for tracking how much you're eating and calculating how much you need to eat on a daily basis to lose weight.

 

[Reyaj]

Metabolism slows with age but she can still lose weight by eating less calories and exercising. If she has trouble eating less, she should eat foods that will keep her satiated such as complex carbs and fiber dense foods such as vegetables.

The myfitnesspal app is good for tracking how much you're eating and calculating how much you need to eat on a daily basis to lose weight.

Is it free?

 

[Glassguy]

Lots of good advise on here. Very tough situation for sure.

I agree the most with @Bible_Belt . You have a reluctant attitude about marrying this woman now and I think it stands to be reasoned that things you dont like about her now are only going to be intensified over time, as they already have, but more so after you would potentially marry her.

At the end of the day you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you. You also in a way owe it to her to not get into a situation that seems to surely have a very high rate for failure, just to appease her "need" for marriage.

Just ask yourself this- where are you going to be in a year from now both with and without her? In 5 years? In 10 years?

If you walk away to find a more complete and fulfilling woman, are you going to be ok and happy being single for the next 5 years assuming you dont "settle" on another one?

True there are so many women out there that hooking up, short term dating, etc is EASY. Especially if you get back in good shape and get your mind and finances headed to a better place. But out of all of those easy situations it truly is tough to find someone that you are very compatible with.

Only you can answer as none of us know either of you on a personal level and we do not truly know all of the story.

We only live once. Based on your responses to some of these posts, I dont think you will truly be happy with her over time and as long as you can be successful with your own happiness during times of being alone, it is the safer option.

 

[Killakittie]

Be authentic. Be true to yourself and be honest with her about your perspective and let the chips fall where they may.

It will probably be the first time you feel truly free

Exactly. And I'll add that you need to seriously sit down and be open and honest with yourself about what you want. Your 40 your not going to be able to play the field with hot bi!ches forever man. As you get older there will be less options you'll have for a good partner.

Cognitive dissonance tells us there's an imbalance in our lives, that somethings wrong. You know already what's wrong. What's stopping you from acting on it? Could it be that you don't trust your own judgment..if you fear the white picket fence why bother with relationships at all? Especially marriage?? I have a feeling you haven been honest with your gf/wife at all and you probably should. After you figure it out clearly.

 

[longtail]

You are clearly NOT in love with her and clearly do NOT want to marry her. You've already answered your own question.

The problem is, you don't have anywhere near the SMV required to live the lifestyle you want. Think about this realistically. I have never met a man and I've known quite a few guys who are serious players, who had a series of many hot girlfriends. As much as we criticize women, they're not dumb and they don't act against their instincts.

Your SMV is far lower than the top players I've met who have a string of 6's, and if they are extremely lucky, score with an occasional 8. Since your SMV is below average (40+, ethnic) you won't be hooking up even with these 6's consistently. I'm not even sure you could pull 4's and 5's consistently. As a matter of fact, I'm certain you could not.

That means your sex life would be far worse than it would be if you were married. You'd at least have occasional sex (without paying). Without a wife, now you're looking at nothing.

The question I have is, why do you still have this delusional sense of entitlement at 40+ when nothing in your experience supports that this could become a reality? Your judgement is severely lacking. That's what you need to work on first above all else.

 

[Fzatf]

Is it free?

Yes the app is free

 

[longtail]

Dude's pain stems solely from his delusional, out of touch aspirations. He wants to become a player with a below average SMV. Ain't happenin bruh. He either needs to skyrocket in SMV or settle.

Dude wants to buy a fleet of ferrari's with a rolled up wad of chuck e cheese coupons.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Dude's pain stems solely from his delusional, out of touch aspirations. He wants to become a player with a below average SMV. Ain't happenin bruh. He either needs to skyrocket in SMV or settle.

Dude wants to buy a fleet of ferrari's with a rolled up wad of chuck e cheese coupons.

What suggestion do you have for him to increase his SMV?

 

[longtail]

What suggestion do you have for him to increase his SMV?

You tell me. Or him rather.

He's Indian, 40, with a fat girlfriend, with zero other options.

Available evidence indicates he is below average SMV. Possibly way below average. He also says he wants to become a top tier player in the future. This suggests he is not especially intelligent either.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You tell me. Or him rather.

He's Indian, 40, with a fat girlfriend, with zero other options.

Available evidence indicates he is below average SMV. Possibly way below average. He also says he wants to become a top tier player in the future. This suggests he is not especially intelligent either.

Top tier in 3 years or so. He can have body game in a year. He needs clothes. He needs a starter ho. For a player to workout the groups and environment has to allow him to play. An attractive indian can play but he needs to study others whose made it work

 

[Reyaj]

Lots of good advise on here. Very tough situation for sure.

I agree the most with @Bible_Belt . You have a reluctant attitude about marrying this woman now and I think it stands to be reasoned that things you dont like about her now are only going to be intensified over time, as they already have, but more so after you would potentially marry her.

At the end of the day you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you. You also in a way owe it to her to not get into a situation that seems to surely have a very high rate for failure, just to appease her "need" for marriage.

Just ask yourself this- where are you going to be in a year from now both with and without her? In 5 years? In 10 years?

If you walk away to find a more complete and fulfilling woman, are you going to be ok and happy being single for the next 5 years assuming you dont "settle" on another one?

True there are so many women out there that hooking up, short term dating, etc is EASY. Especially if you get back in good shape and get your mind and finances headed to a better place. But out of all of those easy situations it truly is tough to find someone that you are very compatible with.

Only you can answer as none of us know either of you on a personal level and we do not truly know all of the story.

We only live once. Based on your responses to some of these posts, I dont think you will truly be happy with her over time and as long as you can be successful with your own happiness during times of being alone, it is the safer option.

As of right now I am planning to propose to her soon. I think the security she provides outweighs the superficial issues I have with her. But I can't help but want to try and bed other women... or even romance them... I don't know I have some kind of issue... like I feel validated when I go for a girl I like and she likes me back. There is just so much crap women out there that my girl really has a lot of good qualities.

What is my alternative? Hope to find a thinner girl who is as great? I've dated so many girls to appreciate when I have one that is quality. The cognitive dissonance is so strong though, how am I going to stop chasing other women?

Exactly. And I'll add that you need to seriously sit down and be open and honest with yourself about what you want. Your 40 your not going to be able to play the field with hot bi!ches forever man. As you get older there will be less options you'll have for a good partner.

Cognitive dissonance tells us there's an imbalance in our lives, that somethings wrong. You know already what's wrong. What's stopping you from acting on it? Could it be that you don't trust your own judgment..if you fear the white picket fence why bother with relationships at all? Especially marriage?? I have a feeling you haven been honest with your gf/wife at all and you probably should. After you figure it out clearly.

I want both that's the problem....and I can't have it.... I am confused.. What is everyone saying to do dump her? Then what... deal with constant frustration from the abundance of "quality" women we have out there today lol.. I mean sometimes I think I should just focus on my business but I feel like she is the one good decision I've made in my life... I am so fvcked up please tell me more insight man.. at least you mentioned cognitive dissonance which is exactly what is messing me up right now

You are clearly NOT in love with her and clearly do NOT want to marry her. You've already answered your own question.

The problem is, you don't have anywhere near the SMV required to live the lifestyle you want. Think about this realistically. I have never met a man and I've known quite a few guys who are serious players, who had a series of many hot girlfriends. As much as we criticize women, they're not dumb and they don't act against their instincts.

Your SMV is far lower than the top players I've met who have a string of 6's, and if they are extremely lucky, score with an occasional 8. Since your SMV is below average (40+, ethnic) you won't be hooking up even with these 6's consistently. I'm not even sure you could pull 4's and 5's consistently. As a matter of fact, I'm certain you could not.

That means your sex life would be far worse than it would be if you were married. You'd at least have occasional sex (without paying). Without a wife, now you're looking at nothing.

The question I have is, why do you still have this delusional sense of entitlement at 40+ when nothing in your experience supports that this could become a reality? Your judgement is severely lacking. That's what you need to work on first above all else.

Again with this ethnic crap... I'm fvcking white you moron not that it should matter.

What is your SMV man? 1.5? This whole SMV crap is an excuse for you all to feel better about the fact that you are alone... it justifies it for you. How about actually connecting with someone and being vulnerable? Ohhhhh no fvck that! Go read another manosphere book you fvcking robot. Or maybe 69 with your butt buddy mr. goodstuff who likes all your posts lol

 

[mrgoodstuff]

As of right now I am planning to propose to her soon. I think the security she provides outweighs the superficial issues I have with her. But I can't help but want to try and bed other women... or even romance them... I don't know I have some kind of issue... like I feel validated when I go for a girl I like and she likes me back. There is just so much crap women out there that my girl really has a lot of good qualities.

What is my alternative? Hope to find a thinner girl who is as great? I've dated so many girls to appreciate when I have one that is quality. The cognitive dissonance is so strong though, how am I going to stop chasing other women?



I want both that's the problem....and I can't have it.... I am confused.. What is everyone saying to do dump her? Then what... deal with constant frustration from the abundance of "quality" women we have out there today lol.. I mean sometimes I think I should just focus on my business but I feel like she is the one good decision I've made in my life... I am so fvcked up please tell me more insight man.. at least you mentioned cognitive dissonance which is exactly what is messing me up right now



Again with this ethnic crap... I'm fvcking white you moron not that it should matter.

What is your SMV man? 1.5? This whole SMV crap is an excuse for you all to feel better about the fact that you are alone... it justifies it for you. How about actually connecting with someone and being vulnerable? Ohhhhh no fvck that! Go read another manosphere book you fvcking robot. Or maybe 69 with your butt buddy mr. goodstuff who likes all your posts lol

I liked how "glassguy" said hes just a REGULAR guy with a good life and females is easy. Player Supreme also said he was a "normal" guy and his communications were for normal guys. They are saying excuses about looks are just that. What is important is you are fun to be around and you deal with females who choose you.

 

[longtail]

You are a low smv male, about to marry a low smv female. Your lack of composure confirms every suspicion.

That doesn't mean you can't be happy. There are plenty of low smv people, the vast majority. A lot of them are happy. It's because they've found satisfaction in areas other than bedding as many hot women as possible. But that's the problem. You are a horse jockey who wants to play in the nba. Optimism is good as long as it's tempered with some connection to reality, which is where you fail miserably.