Situational Neediness - GF became distant after going out of town - Going No Contact a good idea?

[jacketrunner]

Send the damn text that I suggested, tell her I'm breaking up, see you around, bye. It forces the situation to be resolved. Now there just happens NOTHING. Maybe you're different from me, but I can't stand that. I would keep thinking "Is she coming back or not? Are we still in a relationship or not? Is this the end or not? And this? And that? And blahblahblah?????"

You either are still together or you have broken up. You should force an outcome to the situation. And that's what happens if you send the suggested text. You make a firm decision to end things and tell her. Then you go dark and don't respond to her bullshyt. Either one of two things will happen:

1. She keeps sending insincere texts/voicemails, all bullshyt about how you are being unfair etc. trying to make you feel guilty blahblah instead of acknowledging her own bad behavior which she has shown since the day she went to her hometown.

In this case, you'll know that it's useless to have hope for the relationship to work again. If she acts in such an insincere way, it's no use talking to her or reasoning with her, she is obviously not prepared to be rational and fair in any discussions to you. End of story, you can't reason with an unreasonable person and you can't have a stable relatonship with them either. So in this case, you just stay silent and start letting go of her, realizing that it is over and it's never gonna be the way it was before. The end, move on to the next girl!

2. At one point, when she realizes all her insincere bullshyt won't get any reaction out of you, she might start to acknowledge her own mistakes. Depending on how seriously she goes about that, you could maybe decide to start talking to her again and see if things might be worked out between you. But she really has to show that she is reasonable and not playing games with you....

In this case, perhaps you get together again.

So whichever case it will be, either case 1 or case 2, the situation will be clear: you move on from her or you give her another chance. No uncertainty and indecision. Which is what you will have if you send her nothing.... Like how things are right now.... It's all just a crazy uncertain situation where you don't know what to make of things. And I can't believe that this uncertain situation doesn't have a negative effect on you, man.....

Take action, force the situation to be resolved, send the damn text "I'm breaking up with you, I'm sure you'll understand. Take care and maybe see you around". Then let the chips fall where they may... Take charge of the goddamn situation and your own fate instead of being a passive victim of the situation.

I sent her your text in almost those exact words yesterday.

No reply yet but I feel liberated. Like a huge weight has been taken off my back.

Obviously mixed with some sadness but I finally feel at peace.

 

[Die Hard]

I sent her your text in almost those exact words yesterday.

No reply yet but I feel liberated. Like a huge weight has been taken off my back.

Obviously mixed with some sadness but I finally feel at peace.

Understandable, sending the text gives
you the feeling that things are definitively over between you and her now. The fact that she didn't respond yet, says a lot.. If she really cared, she would've responded quite soon.. So things are indeed really over between the two of you.

This is how things go in life, time to lick your wounds. It's all part of a greater journey, where you learn through falling down and standing up. You'll come out of this stronger than you were when you went in!

 

[jacketrunner]

Understandable, sending the text gives
you the feeling that things are definitively over between you and her now. The fact that she didn't respond yet, says a lot.. If she really cared, she would've responded quite soon.. So things are indeed really over between the two of you.

This is how things go in life, time to lick your wounds. It's all part of a greater journey, where you learn through falling down and standing up. You'll come out of this stronger than you were when you went in!

Yeah I’m going to go NC and never initiate but I don’t really understand why she would just stonewall me like this.

Even if she didn’t care, you think she would at the very least send some kind of comment back.

I’m not going to seek closure but I’m wondering if I’ll ever get it. I’m legitimately confused.

I do feel 10,000x better having ended things.

 

[jacketrunner]

It’s hard to overemphasize just how normal and healthy our relationship was when we were together, and how abnormal the end has been.

It'd be one thing if she seemed crazy or mean, but there was nothing that would indicate that something like this would happen.

When people ask me about her, I'm forced to tell a really weird story. "Yeah I didn't see her for a month so I broke up with her via text and she didn't reply."

That's not a normal thing that happens. There was no major argument or anything. She is not a weird or stupid person.

Looking at her Snapchat, she's hanging out with a friend who's a girl who I've met before and really liked. Super nice and normal.

 

[jacketrunner]

Been there. Believe it or not, this is slightly (I said slightly) better than making your like hell for 4-5 months and then discarding you like trash.

Yeah I respect myself a lot more for being the one to cut the cord. And I didn't do a pre-emptive breakup as a weapon (literally went over a month without seeing her). But I hope to get closure eventually, just for the sake of knowing what went wrong, so in a future relationship, I can avoid making the same mistake.

Looking back, there are a few things I could have done differently, but I don't think I grossly mishandled things. I vetted her properly, and still got burned.

It's going to be hard for me to form a secure attachment in the future if I worry that without warning my relationship could just fall to absolute pieces. I almost want to get out in front of it the next time a girl ever wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me.

Maybe say something like "hey, I'm happy to have you be my girlfriend, but I want you to know that if you ever stop feeling it, I'd appreciate if you communicate that to me so we can end things, rather than being evasive or playing games. It's very important to me to enter a relationship with trust and mutual respect."

These are the kind of conversations I should have when she wants exclusivity.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

This is why dudes spin plates.

 

[jacketrunner]

I wouldn't unless you want the next one to pull a surprise on you too. Better to play dumb.

I suppose I will be more on my guard naturally.

This is why dudes spin plates.

I was hooking up with other girls before we were exclusive. I don't think cheating should be necessary to sustain a relationship.

Also, attachment to your partner is a normal and inevitable phenomenon. Even when I hooked up with other girls, it didn't take away my attachment to my girlfriend who I bonded with on a different level.

I think the mindset is that you have to be willing to take the risk and get attached, knowing that you could and probably will be hurt. I just want to make sure that I develop healthy relationship habits so I know that I put my best foot forward.

 

[Atom Smasher]

There's no need to wonder. Here is what happened:

"My girlfriend of 2.5 months (although been seeing her for 5 months... she asked me to be exclusive) went to her hometown for 3 weeks (before she got a new job), and (very suddenly) stopped initiating contact or showing interest (I initiated contact much more than her during the trip, although I’ve by no means been suffocating, and I mostly stopped initiating when I noticed she wasn’t). I actually visited her in the middle of this trip, and while initially she was glad to see me, I sensed that she got distant and was pulling away while I was there with her. I think it had to do with a hurtful comment I told her that was condescending and pissed her off, and overall weak behaviors that arose from my dependent situation (I was in her world, when usually she is in mine)."

1. You made a hurtful and condescending remark to her. They never forget.
2. Too much contact initiation
3. You visited her while she was away. Women are CATS. You must let them go when they get distant and wait for them to come back.
4. You mention "overall weak behaviors".
5. Women find insecurity extremely unattractive. This is because women are by nature insecure and they need the man to be her security, her rock. When you show insecurity about the relationship, your attractiveness plummets. The woman will try to talk herself out of not feeling attracted due to insecurity, but she can't. She's hard-wired that way.

Guys, when women withdraw, let them go. They will always end up missing you and come back. Ever try to grab a cat and force it to stand there so you can pet it? It will try to escape every time. Let that cat go, and it will soon be purring and rubbing up against you.

Never forget that women are cats.

 

[Soflobro#3]

That number is way too low bro...I'd say its more like 40-45%. Women are exceptional at cheating and having random encounters that werent planned out and then going home and acting like nothing ever happened.

Sounds about right.

 

[jacketrunner]

There's no need to wonder. Here is what happened:

"My girlfriend of 2.5 months (although been seeing her for 5 months... she asked me to be exclusive) went to her hometown for 3 weeks (before she got a new job), and (very suddenly) stopped initiating contact or showing interest (I initiated contact much more than her during the trip, although I’ve by no means been suffocating, and I mostly stopped initiating when I noticed she wasn’t). I actually visited her in the middle of this trip, and while initially she was glad to see me, I sensed that she got distant and was pulling away while I was there with her. I think it had to do with a hurtful comment I told her that was condescending and pissed her off, and overall weak behaviors that arose from my dependent situation (I was in her world, when usually she is in mine)."

1. You made a hurtful and condescending remark to her. They never forget.
2. Too much contact initiation
3. You visited her while she was away. Women are CATS. You must let them go when they get distant and wait for them to come back.
4. You mention "overall weak behaviors".
5. Women find insecurity extremely unattractive. This is because women are by nature insecure and they need the man to be her security, her rock. When you show insecurity about the relationship, your attractiveness plummets. The woman will try to talk herself out of not feeling attracted due to insecurity, but she can't. She's hard-wired that way.

Guys, when women withdraw, let them go. They will always end up missing you and come back. Ever try to grab a cat and force it to stand there so you can pet it? It will try to escape every time. Let that cat go, and it will soon be purring and rubbing up against you.

Never forget that women are cats.

Thanks for this, and I think you're probably right. It's crazy how if you put yourself in a situation where you have no power you can turn a woman off so fast. I was very confident and independent when I was on my home turf.

It's almost like I don't know whether I have the right to be mad at her. If I acted like a b1tch when I was a fish out of water, can I blame her for not wanting to be with me?

There's one part of me that says -- "Your fault for turning her off. Attraction is not a choice." This thought is compounded by the fact that she always seemed like a genuinely good person, and her family and friends are great people too.

Then there's the part of me that thinks her behavior is pretty immature and if I had just seen her again once when I was in my world I feel like she'd have felt my confidence and the issue could've been resolved.

She was getting angry at me for not initiating contact enough, but I suppose that's how women are. If she does reach back out, should I do the Corey Wayne strategy and have her come to me? Or is that being too easy after her behavior?

If she never reaches out ever, then obviously there is nothing to salvage.

 

[HankHill]

Let her go, find another. If this is how she behaved now, regardless of your screw-up, this is how it'll be in the future, is that the type of a relationship you want to be in? You'll always be walking a tight rope and a small stumble will be the fall of you with her. She certainly didn't make things easy for you to mend or fix by communicating - assuming it was something you did that pissed her off. If it wasn't something you did, well then, how can you trust her in the future? What do you gain from taking her back? Perhaps just an ego boost? but is that really a smart move on your part based on what we know about her?

 

[jacketrunner]

Let her go, find another. If this is how she behaved now, regardless of your screw-up, this is how it'll be in the future, is that the type of a relationship you want to be in? You'll always be walking a tight rope and a small stumble will be the fall of you with her. She certainly didn't make things easy for you to mend or fix by communicating - assuming it was something you did that pissed her off. If it wasn't something you did, well then, how can you trust her in the future? What do you gain from taking her back? Perhaps just an ego boost?

Sex and good food. Enjoyable company. We got along well and rarely clashed.

She gave me a bj the last day I was physically with her.

I would never be able to love her the same if I took her back. But then again, maybe loving her too much was part of the problem.

 

[HankHill]

Sex and good food. Enjoyable company. We got along well and rarely clashed.

She isn't the last woman left on earth you know. Over the next several months you're going to try to rationalize to yourself in all the ways possible to eek out a reason to either reach out to her or accept her back but remember you have Oneitis. As soon as you find another one or two women you'll look back and see how silly these thoughts and rationalizations were.

 

[Die Hard]

jacketrunner, you're a smart person and already grasp many things about women, relationships and life itself. But there is still more to learn for you, coz I see some lack of knowledge or naivety throughout your posts sometimes. If you work through the DJ Bible, Rollo Tomassi/The Rational Male and other essential writings, you will slowly but surely fill in the gaps in your knowledge. And trust me, as you gain more insight, you will definitely start seeing which factors contributed to this strange chain of events which resulted in the breakup.

The reason why this relationship fell apart is there, you just don't see it yet. Might be another guy, or it might be something completely different... But you will find out what it was, as you gain more knowledge and analyze the relationship. Just give it time, it might take a few months, but it'll come.

 

[jacketrunner]

She isn't the last woman left on earth you know. Over the next several months you're going to try to rationalize to yourself in all the ways possible to eek out a reason to either reach out to her or accept her back but remember you have Oneitis. As soon as you find another one or two women you'll look back and see how silly these thoughts and rationalizations were.

I do have one-itis, but objectively speaking, she has been my favorite girl that I've consistently slept with. I've been with girls before who were attractive but had daddy issues or annoyed me and my friends.

She's actually done nothing wrong other than pull away and communicate poorly. But when we've been together, she's been totally fine.

The main problem I would have with taking her back would be the fear that she would pull away and communicate poorly again in the future.

jacketrunner, you're a smart person and already grasp many things about women, relationships and life itself. But there is still more to learn for you, coz I see some lack of knowledge or naivety throughout your posts sometimes. If you work through the DJ Bible, Rollo Tomassi/The Rational Male and other essential writings, you will slowly but surely fill in the gaps in your knowledge. And trust me, as you gain more insight, you will definitely start seeing which factors contributed to this strange chain of events which resulted in the breakup.

The reason why this relationship fell apart is there, you just don't see it yet. Might be another guy, or it might be something completely different... But you will find out what it was, as you gain more knowledge and analyze the relationship. Just give it time, it might take a few months, but it'll come.

Appreciate the kind words, and I've still a lot to learn. I've read The Rational Male and I really like it. It seems very accurate but also a little bit too cold. The "red pill" is something one should understand, but should be tempered with some genuine optimism. People do have successful relationships without thinking about the feminine imperative or hypergamy.

I also hear him say things like "communication is beta and serves the feminine imperative", but I kinda want to have a girl who I can communicate my true self too. I'm a good communicator. Reading this stuff makes me extremely guarded and aloof at all times.

In regards to when I'll learn about how the relationship went south, I would need more info from her. We'll see if I ever hear from her again.

 

[jacketrunner]

My ex finally replied with a robotic response where she said she understands and that she was sorry for taking so long to reply. She told me to let her know the best way to send her things. I told her I’d send them out tomorrow.

I banged a girl from a bar this weekend, and got another pretty cute girl’s number who I kissed that same night.

While that feels good, I still wish I had closure as to exactly what happened with my ex-girlfriend.

I was just moving on until she texted.

I will eventually want closure, but realize I need to completely move on first.

Such a weird situation to be in. I will go no contact for at least 30-60 days. But likely will reach out eventually just asking her what happened, so I can know for future relationships.

 

[jacketrunner]

You have closure but you are in the denial phase.

I mean just knowing exactly what was going on. I have a general gist of things.

I feel a lot less needy now that I’ve banged another girl.

This breakup upped my night game by a lot. It’s really hard to fear rejection from some random hoes at a bar when you just got rejected by the girl you loved.

I’m tryna get on RSD Julien’s level lol. We have somewhat similar styles when going out, although I’m not as directly verbally abusive as he is.

Watching his old stuff on YouTube, he has surprisingly good relationship advice too. He’s actually a really smart guy.

He’s all about putting your authentic self out there. Aggressively laying it all on the table for the girls to accept or reject.

I’ve found that a lot of girls get pretty powerless when you do this without neediness. They get sucked into your confident good vibes.

 

[jacketrunner]

UPDATE:

Since breaking up with my girlfriend via text, I texted about giving her her things, and she would take ages to respond. Finally, I just sent her her things via mail, and when she finally texted me (days later) saying she was sick and she'd give me my stuff back, I never replied.

Anyway, the first Friday going out after breaking up, I got laid, and I had sex with 3 girls in the month after. Only logistics prevented me from having sex with two more girls. Every night I've been going out, I've been getting numbers, usually kisses, and having a good time.

That being said, meaningless sex has kept my spirits up, but hasn't gotten me over my ex. I'm definitely still hung up on her although I think it actually helps my game because I give less of a fvck when going out.

While she usually doesn't view my Snapchats, I took one at a girl's house who I banged (didn't show the girl... but I'm sure my ex knew what was up)... and she did view that one.

This weekend, after a long period of no contact, she gave me a "hey" breadcrumb. While Corey Wayne sees that as a reason to ask for a date, I thought it was too low effort to do so, so I responded 5 hours later with a "hey, hope you're well" polite message. No response.

I also saw her friends' insta stories that weekend and she was not with any guy, so I'm pretty sure she hasn't replaced me. She may have been feeling lonely and wanted my attention.

Anyway, I will continue to hook up with other girls and have a good time, and will ask to meet up if she sends me a breadcrumb that has more effort behind it.

 

[Spaz]

Corey Wayne is a fraud who peddles noob ideas to finally get you into buying more of his stuff.

 

[jacketrunner]

Corey Wayne is a fraud who peddles noob ideas to finally get you into buying more of his stuff.

Yeah although other "dating coaches" say the same things. If she reaches out with a more high effort breadcrumb, I don't think it's a bad idea to ask her to meet up again.