Situational Neediness - GF became distant after going out of town - Going No Contact a good idea?

[marmel75]

Peopl


People will always cheat, but there will always be people who don’t cheat either. It depends upon personality type and the way you were raised.

If you have self-control, you can not cheat.

It’s like shoplifting. It will always exist, but not everyone will shoplift.

Many girls will have enough morality to not cheat, but it’s hard to know forsure who those girls are.

I think you have to screen for certain qualities — drinking and partying, for example, makes poor impulse-control more of a risk.

And having a poor relationship with her father makes her more likely to be a slutty validation-seeker.

It’s hard to know 100% whether a girl will cheat or not, but the same goes for guys.

Every single study suggests that the majority of people go their whole lives without cheating. And every girl has options to cheat, and probably has been in relationships with guys they eventually see as weak.

Personally, I’ve had situations where girls have tried to cheat and actually cheated on their boyfriends with me, and in every one of those circumstances the girl was either drunk or had a poor relationship with her father, which is an important thing to keep in mind.

Most people dont cheat because society tells them not to do it, not because they dont want to. Morality is a human invented social construct designed to keep people in the box by governments so they are easier to control. Religions exist to help make people predictable and easier to control.

You've never even thought of this have you? Never even crossed your mind. You are like Neo in the Matrix before Morpheus found him.

Most people are lemmings who blindly follow what they are taught and never question it or seek to understand whether that's what is best for them. Prime example are people who hire personal trainers and workout with them for a year or more and never see any changes but continue to pay them and never question why.

 

[jacketrunner]

OK so when are you meeting her? I'm curious how this turns out.

When she comes back from work training

I skimmed through most of this thread. OP, you're not getting your needs met by your exclusive girlfriend who has stopped putting in effort into your relationship on all levels.

While honorable, I commend you for not lining up your options and hooking up with a replacement. I do believe its high time that the two of you meet to have a conversation about the status of the relationship.

If neither of you are feeling it just end it amicably and be on your way to new people who are more invested.

Work on personally fulfilling your own needs beyond just staying fit in the gym.

In all those weeks that she had been absent or non-communicative did you stay busy with your social life, career, education, hobbies, family, etc.? You'll lean less on your significant other the next time you allot time and space for your own inner development.

Thanks for the advice. I definitely did all those things. I threw myself into work, spent my weekends with my friends partying at night and doing fun events in the day, and made time for my family on multiple occasions

It’s still been very stressful, bc I’ve felt trapped by a relationship that doesn’t seem to be there anymore, and it happened so unexpectedly.

What’s weird is that she seems to think I’m the one who’s been non-communicative, asking “why didn’t you call?”, but then being difficult when I tried to meet up.

Our relationship was amazing before this trip. Complete trust, seeing each other almost every day, fun dates, etc. She was the needier one, although we were both in love.

The sudden unexpected breakdown, and my complete lack of understanding or recourse, is what got me.

 

[jacketrunner]

Thumb rule: match their interest levels while edging towards lesser than them.

This is kinda been my problem though. I’ve been following this rule, but when she goes dark, it becomes impossible to resolve a conflict and follow this rule.

 

[The Diver]

This is kinda been my problem though. I’ve been following this rule, but when she goes dark, it becomes impossible to resolve a conflict and follow this rule.

Man, as this post goes on and you reviling more about the dynamic of this relationship, It looks obviously she is leading this relationship and you are just adjusting yourself accordingly, most likely from fear of losing her.

 

[darksprezzatura]

This is kinda been my problem though. I’ve been following this rule, but when she goes dark, it becomes impossible to resolve a conflict and follow this rule.

Reinforce/Reward when there's good behaviour.
Withdraw attention when there's bad behaviour.

 

[jacketrunner]

Man, as this post goes on and you reviling more about the dynamic of this relationship, It looks obviously she is leading this relationship and you are just adjusting yourself accordingly, most likely from fear of losing her.

Before she went out of town, she did about 70-80% of the reaching out (which was 2-3x a day at least) and I mostly texted her logistics for meeting up. Then at some point, she went almost completely dark.

It's like I had a perfect formula that became disrupted.

Withdrawing attention is effective but also passive, which I hate. I don't like being passive and waiting around, although I know distance is a good thing, and I need to withdraw attention.

I need an outlet for my energy, but I also don't want to cheat. It's a conundrum that I still don't really have an answer to.

 

[Murk]

Wow dude. Your words are getting more aggressive and bitter.

Did I touch a nerve?

It’s cool... those who witness maternal unfaithfulness from an early age often have issues expressing themselves in constructive ways.

Your "girlfriend" is showing all the signs of a cheater like someone said, and you are showing all the signs of a beta cuck and I rarely use that term.

She definitely knows I have options. All her friends think I’m really good looking, And she notices girls checking me out when we go out together.

I’m not 6’5, but I’m 6’2 and 200+ pounds with low body fat. I lift 4-5 times a week.

That's great bro, sadly your GF that you are in love with doesn't give a flying f*** and would rather give her attention to more worthy avenues of interest.

Kind regards,
Murk

 

[jacketrunner]

Before she went out of town, she did about 70-80% of the reaching out (which was 2-3x a day at least) and I mostly texted her logistics for meeting up. Then at some point, she went almost completely dark.

It's like I had a perfect formula that became disrupted.

Withdrawing attention is effective but also passive, which I hate. I don't like being passive and waiting around, although I know distance is a good thing, and I need to withdraw attention.

I need an outlet for my energy, but I also don't want to cheat. It's a conundrum that I still don't really have an answer to.

Your "girlfriend" is showing all the signs of a cheater like someone said, and you are showing all the signs of a beta cuck and I rarely use that term.



That's great bro, sadly your GF that you are in love with doesn't give a flying f*** and would rather give her attention to more worthy avenues of interest.

Kind regards,
Murk

Yeah well as you might imagine, it’s a bit difficult when you know she wasn’t cheating when she was with you, then all of a sudden she’s gone.

At no point before this trip (and I haven’t even talked to her since this trip) did she ever cheat. She shared her iphone password with me and would openly receive all her text messages on her MacBook as we watched Netflix (which was often). If it was ever a guy who texted her, and it was almost never a guy, the texts were never suspicious, she would explain who it was and the story checked out. She also expressed a very strong moral stance against infidelity, and has a stable loving family and a great relationship with her dad. It was in this context that I committed to her when she asked (we’d seen each other for almost 3 months when I committed to her).

We hung out 5x a week, and she texted me every day, until she went to her hometown, and I’d thought she only be away for a week after I visited her there. She also cooked for me (really well and often), sewed my shirts, was flexible and giving, etc.

When you’re in a full-time relationship like this with a girl you trust, and you’re suddenly cut off with no closure or ability to even see her, and no ability to see other girls without feeling like a cheater yourself, it’s a very tough situation to be in.

Sure, she might be cheating, or have cheated. It might even be probable. But I don’t 100% know that because I haven’t seen her. If I find out she’s cheated, she’s gone no questions asked.

Also, she might not give a **** about me, but then why did she drunk text me on Friday confused and angry?

Everything she is doing is suspicious and unacceptable, but I don’t really know what’s going on, and a breakup should happen in person.

That’s why I’m posting on this board.

 

[marmel75]

Yeah well as you might imagine, it’s a bit difficult when you know she wasn’t cheating when she was with you, then all of a sudden she’s gone.

At no point before this trip (and I haven’t even talked to her since this trip) did she ever cheat. She shared her iphone password with me and would openly receive all her text messages on her MacBook as we watched Netflix (which was often). If it was ever a guy who texted her, and it was almost never a guy, the texts were never suspicious, she would explain who it was and the story checked out. She also expressed a very strong moral stance against infidelity, and has a stable loving family and a great relationship with her dad. It was in this context that I committed to her when she asked (we’d seen each other for almost 3 months when I committed to her).

We hung out 5x a week, and she texted me every day, until she went to her hometown, and I’d thought she only be away for a week after I visited her there. She also cooked for me (really well and often), sewed my shirts, was flexible and giving, etc.

When you’re in a full-time relationship like this with a girl you trust, and you’re suddenly cut off with no closure or ability to even see her, and no ability to see other girls without feeling like a cheater yourself, it’s a very tough situation to be in.

Sure, she might be cheating, or have cheated. It might even be probable. But I don’t 100% know that because I haven’t seen her. If I find out she’s cheated, she’s gone no questions asked.

Also, she might not give a **** about me, but then why did she drunk text me on Friday confused and angry?

Everything she is doing is suspicious and unacceptable, but I don’t really know what’s going on, and a breakup should happen in person.

That’s why I’m posting on this board.

Another clue...hanging out 5 times a week. Again, you basically made her your entire life early on in the relationship. This is NOT attractive. She knows she has you pretty much wrapped around her little pinky at this point which is also NOT attractive.

 

[Toddz]

Sounds like she is checking out, so I would go no contact and just move on. You aren't getting your needs met and she's obviously not into you anymore by being distant and cold towards you. This isn't fair to you. This requires you to have dignity and self respect by putting yourself first.

There's nothing you can say or do right now to change her feelings as they have clearly shifted from loving to non existent. Silence and distance is your only play here (if you want things to possibly work out) and by also living your life. As guys we deal with this all the time, everything is going great with a woman and suddenly there's a change for absolutely no reason at all (she feels different). We try to fix things and make things right but that tends to only makes things worse.

Good luck.

 

[jacketrunner]

The bigger the ego the more difficult it is to admit you are replaceable and unable to control another human being

This happens all the time, especially in this situation where they move back home.

That they She didn’t really move back home though.

Another clue...hanging out 5 times a week. Again, you basically made her your entire life early on in the relationship. This is NOT attractive. She knows she has you pretty much wrapped around her little pinky at this point which is also NOT attractive.

She would initiate contact 70-80% of the time. I was using the Corey Wayne method, and he said it’s fine and natural if you hang out all the time if she’s the one initiating 70-80% of the contact.

Thus, I don’t think this was it. She was definitely in love with me before she left to home, was always asking me things like “what do you think about all day?” And I would say “lots of stuff... what do you think about?” And she’d say “I think a lot about you... do you think about me? Do you like hanging out with me?”

She was 100% in love with me until at least the moment she left, where she had trouble leaving me and was delaying the process.

That’s why I bring up situational neediness. When I went to her hometown, I didn’t know anyone, and was dependent on her and her parents for shelter and social events.

In the city where i live, I’m extremely independent: good place, job, friend group, etc.

 

[jacketrunner]

Sounds like she is checking out, so I would go no contact and just move on. You aren't getting your needs met and she's obviously not into you anymore by being distant and cold towards you. This isn't fair to you. This requires you to have dignity and self respect by putting yourself first.

There's nothing you can say or do right now to change her feelings as they have clearly shifted from loving to non existent. Silence and distance is your only play here (if you want things to possibly work out) and by also living your life. As guys we deal with this all the time, everything is going great with a woman and suddenly there's a change for absolutely no reason at all (she feels different). We try to fix things and make things right but that tends to only makes things worse.

Good luck.

You’re 100% right. Have to go no contact and wait for her to come to me.

Just so sick of not hooking up with girls. I don’t want to be a cheater, bc I want to have the moral high ground in all future relationships.

 

[Toddz]

You’re 100% right. Have to go no contact and wait for her to come to me.

Just so sick of not hooking up with girls. I don’t want to be a cheater, bc I want to have the moral high ground in all future relationships.

Here's the thing though, she may not come back to you. So you have to mentally prepare yourself for that now. If you don't want to hook up with other women that's fine. But you should begin dating and chatting women up while she figures out what her problem is. So that way you're not sitting on the sidelines with zero options while only guessing what her deal is.

Again, it's not fair for her to be treating you this way. That brings it back to the respect/self respect issue. If it were me, I would be proactive and just dump her. I have zero tolerance for bs from women though and everyone is different. I mentally check out from a woman if she begins to go hot/cold or guessing games.

 

[RedScorpion]

I’ll suggest something different, one that’s not really intended to succeed (in bringing her back), but rather resolve and move on.

First, I’ll suggest that you stick to your ideology of not cheating. This is more for yourself and your own self respect. How you view and regard yourself is important. I’ll suggest too that the comparison to animals and them switching partners over a lifetime lacks one concept - the ability to ‘break up’.

Instead of sitting and waiting for it to fade into oblivion, I suggest calling her with the overall intention of breaking up. You don’t have to be mean about it, or confrontational. Just say ‘Look, it seems like things aren’t the way they were before between us. Let’s call it a break.’ Or however you wish to phrase it. Emphasis on being calm, cool, and relaxed about it. If she shows some regret or trying to pull you back in - then that’s the opportunity to listen. She may agree with the breakup. She may also get bitchy and try to pin things on you as your fault at this point (likely). If so, just cut it short and wish her the best. I firmly suggest not including anything about any other girls.

If the conversation is productive (unlikely but still), maybe you’ll be able to restart the relationship. Overall though, her being distant/silent is probably the end.

At this point, this is all the truth. You don’t feel like things were the way they were before. You haven’t been talking. But now you’re free and absolved of your social commitments, and can freely pursue other girls without the idea of ‘cheating’ on this absent girl.

 

[resilient]

Again, it's not fair for her to be treating you this way. That brings it back to the respect/self respect issue. If it were me, I would be proactive and just dump her. I have zero tolerance for bs from women though and everyone is different. I mentally check out from a woman if she begins to go hot/cold or guessing games.

Sh!t like this ticks me off. When they're in the middle of branches trying to sort out your competition and feels. The hot/cold is weighing whether she should invest more in you or the other guy(s). Delayed response times in text messaging or short obscure message that isn't conveying warmth and sincerity.

 

[marmel75]

That they She didn’t really move back home though.


She would initiate contact 70-80% of the time. I was using the Corey Wayne method, and he said it’s fine and natural if you hang out all the time if she’s the one initiating 70-80% of the contact.

Thus, I don’t think this was it. She was definitely in love with me before she left to home, was always asking me things like “what do you think about all day?” And I would say “lots of stuff... what do you think about?” And she’d say “I think a lot about you... do you think about me? Do you like hanging out with me?”

She was 100% in love with me until at least the moment she left, where she had trouble leaving me and was delaying the process.

That’s why I bring up situational neediness. When I went to her hometown, I didn’t know anyone, and was dependent on her and her parents for shelter and social events.

In the city where i live, I’m extremely independent: good place, job, friend group, etc.

Funny how almost every thread where someone mentions they are following Corey Wayne advice seems to revolve around women losing interest...just saying.

 

[jacketrunner]

Funny how almost every thread where someone mentions they are following Corey Wayne advice seems to revolve around women losing interest...just saying.

Corey Wayne’s advice is all about interest level. Essentially, you respond to her interest by setting up dates, having fun, hooking up, and never try to generate interest through chasing.

You want to be a challenge by never chasing her, but always reward her chasing.

If someone was having a successful relationship (like I was until a month ago), they wouldn’t be posting on this board.

People post when things go south.

Honestly, had I followed Corey Wayne’s advice, and not texted her a couple times when she wasn’t texting me, and always played it cool, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be in the mess I am in now.

It’s just hard to be patient like he says.

 

[jacketrunner]

I’ll suggest something different, one that’s not really intended to succeed (in bringing her back), but rather resolve and move on.

First, I’ll suggest that you stick to your ideology of not cheating. This is more for yourself and your own self respect. How you view and regard yourself is important. I’ll suggest too that the comparison to animals and them switching partners over a lifetime lacks one concept - the ability to ‘break up’.

Instead of sitting and waiting for it to fade into oblivion, I suggest calling her with the overall intention of breaking up. You don’t have to be mean about it, or confrontational. Just say ‘Look, it seems like things aren’t the way they were before between us. Let’s call it a break.’ Or however you wish to phrase it. Emphasis on being calm, cool, and relaxed about it. If she shows some regret or trying to pull you back in - then that’s the opportunity to listen. She may agree with the breakup. She may also get bitchy and try to pin things on you as your fault at this point (likely). If so, just cut it short and wish her the best. I firmly suggest not including anything about any other girls.

If the conversation is productive (unlikely but still), maybe you’ll be able to restart the relationship. Overall though, her being distant/silent is probably the end.

At this point, this is all the truth. You don’t feel like things were the way they were before. You haven’t been talking. But now you’re free and absolved of your social commitments, and can freely pursue other girls without the idea of ‘cheating’ on this absent girl.

It’s the work week, and I have plans with friends both tonight and on Friday. I’ll be patient until after that, and will take your advice if she doesn’t reach out.

The thing is, a girls interest level rises with time and distance, and you if you seek closure when her interest level is low, you essentially lock her interest level in at that low level.

The only way to really raise a girls interest level without actually cheating is to simulate that you are so she reaches out when she gets worried lol.

 

[jacketrunner]

Corey likes to avoid what those women are doing while they have low interest level...things that permanently disqualify then from being taken seriously in the future

True that... he also advocates not snooping, which is naive.

What’s the best relationship advice for those who want to have a good monogamous partner?

The real genetic winners aren’t the slayers; it’s those with the hot wives and lots of children. I’ve had sex with 50+ women and nothing to show it.

Meanwhile, some 25 year old Mormon dude has had only 1 sexual partner, but also has 4 kids and a wife to cook him meals every day.

 

[jacketrunner]

Sex is easy, and quality women are super rare.

That's why I think relationship skills are an underrated aspect of game. Treating every girl like she's replaceable kills neediness, but it's not the be-all, end-all.

Ideally, you'll have a family one day, and you can't just replace your wife without traumatizing your kids.