Thoughts on my situation...

[HankHill]

OK guys, I've read the forum the past few days with interest and I like it. Still not 100% sure on all the terminology but I'm learning it. So here's kinda my background and I'll try my best not to post a wall of text (sorry, it did turn into that):

1. Early 40s, divorced for 10yrs (marriage was 10yrs too). Have a kid.
2. Met this woman 6 yrs ago. Her: same age as me, never married, no kids. We were together 3yrs, things were fantastic, or so I thought.
3. She broke up (without actually breaking up), we just stopped talking and then after a couple of months I find out she went back to her ex (who she claimed was just a friend she liked as a person and there were no romantic feelings). Her and I reconnected after spotting each other in town (that's how I found out about her ex). She swore up and down that she was just lonely at the time and he was around to listen to her. Then I found out he was actually living with her during that time since supposedly he didn't have a place in town (he had moved to another city apparently).
4. Long story short, we get back together but it wasn't the same. While the sex was even better (porn style) but the deep connection wasn't there outside the bedroom. I think I was on guard and so was she.
5. Time went on and I noticed she always had some reason to not go on vacations or longer trips together. I confronted her and found out she'd been hanging out with the ex again as he was back in town. Again, claiming they're just friends. I told her to go F herself. She reached out to me after some time saying if only I would trust her there's nothing between that guy and her other than friendship.
6. I told her she'd have to pick either him or me as I'm no longer comfortable with their relationship even if it's friendship. At the time I believed she was telling me the truth but I knew the orbiter wanted more than just a friendship. We saw a counselor (her choice), who sided with me but I could tell the ex-gf wasn't happy about it...though she did supposedly stop talking to him.
7. Then when things were going great she says 'I want to take a break', I said 'whatever'. I started dating someone else, she comes crying saying she wants me blah blah...I told her I'm with someone else now.
8. The new woman wasn't even close to the ex in bed and we didn't really have much in common. So that lasted about 2 months. I reach out to the ex and we have an amazing one night. That was it, a couple of months go by, I asked her to come over, she did and we have another great 5 or 6 hrs in bed. Then she tells me she's no longer at her old place. I asked her where she was and through that I find out she's now at the orbiter's new place because she's in between moving herself and didn't have a place to go but again claims it's strictly a roommate situation. I told her 'I should've listened to my gut a long time ago - goodbye [name]'. She texts a long txt back that night how what we do only happens with me and her feelings are pure to the point she had tears in her eyes when we were in bed together earlier because she missed me so much (I did notice the tears that day and I knew she was getting a bit emotional).

So 6 f'ing years later I feel like I wasted such a long time trying to make someone mine (like LTR, I hate the dating game and the BS). Why does she keep insisting on wanting to be with me if she's got the other little orbiter she wants.

 

[HankHill]

yeah...or just batsh*t crazy!

 

[AJ84]

OK guys, I've read the forum the past few days with interest and I like it. Still not 100% sure on all the terminology but I'm learning it. So here's kinda my background and I'll try my best not to post a wall of text (sorry, it did turn into that):

1. Early 40s, divorced for 10yrs (marriage was 10yrs too). Have a kid.
2. Met this woman 6 yrs ago. Her: same age as me, never married, no kids. We were together 3yrs, things were fantastic, or so I thought.
3. She broke up (without actually breaking up), we just stopped talking and then after a couple of months I find out she went back to her ex (who she claimed was just a friend she liked as a person and there were no romantic feelings). Her and I reconnected after spotting each other in town (that's how I found out about her ex). She swore up and down that she was just lonely at the time and he was around to listen to her. Then I found out he was actually living with her during that time since supposedly he didn't have a place in town (he had moved to another city apparently).
4. Long story short, we get back together but it wasn't the same. While the sex was even better (porn style) but the deep connection wasn't there outside the bedroom. I think I was on guard and so was she.
5. Time went on and I noticed she always had some reason to not go on vacations or longer trips together. I confronted her and found out she'd been hanging out with the ex again as he was back in town. Again, claiming they're just friends. I told her to go F herself. She reached out to me after some time saying if only I would trust her there's nothing between that guy and her other than friendship.
6. I told her she'd have to pick either him or me as I'm no longer comfortable with their relationship even if it's friendship. At the time I believed she was telling me the truth but I knew the orbiter wanted more than just a friendship. We saw a counselor (her choice), who sided with me but I could tell the ex-gf wasn't happy about it...though she did supposedly stop talking to him.
7. Then when things were going great she says 'I want to take a break', I said 'whatever'. I started dating someone else, she comes crying saying she wants me blah blah...I told her I'm with someone else now.
8. The new woman wasn't even close to the ex in bed and we didn't really have much in common. So that lasted about 2 months. I reach out to the ex and we have an amazing one night. That was it, a couple of months go by, I asked her to come over, she did and we have another great 5 or 6 hrs in bed. Then she tells me she's no longer at her old place. I asked her where she was and through that I find out she's now at the orbiter's new place because she's in between moving herself and didn't have a place to go but again claims it's strictly a roommate situation. I told her 'I should've listened to my gut a long time ago - goodbye [name]'. She texts a long txt back that night how what we do only happens with me and her feelings are pure to the point she had tears in her eyes when we were in bed together earlier because she missed me so much (I did notice the tears that day and I knew she was getting a bit emotional).

So 6 f'ing years later I feel like I wasted such a long time trying to make someone mine (like LTR, I hate the dating game and the BS). Why does she keep insisting on wanting to be with me if she's got the other little orbiter she wants.

Because you kept taking her back, thereby putting yourself in the safe back up guy position while she f**ked someone else. Duh. Of course she wants to keep you on the hook.

This story should of stopped after paragraph 3.

No amount of good sex is worth your dignity. Learn from this and don't ever let someone treat you like that again.

 

[HankHill]

Hmm...how do you figure that? She doesn't need me as the safe back up choice if the other guy's willing to be with her. Yet, and sure she could be lying, she keeps saying it's strictly platonic with him. She insisted, found and paid for the counselor to work on us, she comes over whenever I ask her to. I've never been the emotional tampon like the other dude is so I'm not sure if that's a correct analysis but appreciate the comment.

Edit: I guess I should point out that she continues to send b.day wishes, presents etc to my kid, they got along well. Anyway, I'm just trying to move on, I know she'll be back with some stupid text: I'm now in my own apt and I miss you...or some such such crap. I just need to be strong enough to say no and mean it. Sex is one thing but it's the history, trips, memories etc that make it even harder.

 

[AJ84]

Hmm...how do you figure that? She doesn't need me as the safe back up choice if the other guy's willing to be with her. Yet, and sure she could be lying, she keeps saying it's strictly platonic with him. She insisted, found and paid for the counselor to work on us, she comes over whenever I ask her to. I've never been the emotional tampon like the other dude is so I'm not sure if that's a correct analysis but appreciate the comment.

Edit: I guess I should point out that she continues to send b.day wishes, presents etc to my kid, they got along well. Anyway, I'm just trying to move on, I know she'll be back with some stupid text: I'm now in my own apt and I miss you...or some such such crap. I just need to be strong enough to say no and mean it. Sex is one thing but it's the history, trips, memories etc that make it even harder.

She broke up with you more than once and ended up back with her ex in a 'platonic' situation where he lived at her place which you found out after the fact and now she is living at his place after the second break up.

Even if she isn't sleeping with him, she is clearly maintaining a connection with him she doesn't have with you and that is a major red flag.

Maybe he's the emotional tampon. Maybe he's her back up. But whatever it is the fact remains that she is consistently going to another man to fill a need and now lives with that man.

You have history with good memories and so it's understandable that it's hard but what are you grieving -what you had with her or what your currently have with her? Because what you currently have doesn't sound that good and what you had in the past is gone.

Be strong like you said and start the process of moving on. Yes it was 6 years but you have more than that ahead of you. Make new history, make new memories.

Best wishes.

 

[HankHill]

Thanks. I agree with you there. My biggest problem is that after some time passes (several months) I become soft so when she's back orbiting me telling me how much she misses me and how she can't fall asleep wishing I was with her etc etc it's hard not to believe all that because deep down I think she cares...but not sure what her deal is. When she contacted me while I was dating another woman, I told her that to which she said something to the effect of "well, even when we're not together I've always hoped that one day we will be". Anyway, onward for now but again, I'll see how much longer I can go without caving in to her, my longest streak was 6 months

 

[Billtx49]

telling me how much she misses me and how she can't fall asleep wishing I was with her

.but not sure what her deal is.

When she contacted me while I was dating another woman,

"well, even when we're not together I've always hoped that one day we will be".

Actions, Not words.

 

[The Diver]

She is not LTR materials. Can't be trusted and not loyal. Demote her to FB , kind of " Hit the sheet or hit the street " , and continue/start date others.

 

[Roober]

Breaking up is like taking out the trash. You put it on the curb for the garbage man.

Rekindling is like digging through the trashcan. All the neighbors see you digging through it, it's never as you remember, and it has an aweful odor from all of your other trash.

 

[GT40]

Just spin her as a plate. She’s not GF material at all. Sounds like a mental case too. Use her for sex then next her. She seems to not mind that anyways.

 

[HankHill]

OP here...thanks guys! So guess what I find this morning when I wake up? Yep, a txt from her (2 weeks since we had the last contact) with a pic of the restaurant where we had our first date and it said "It was today, 7yrs ago when both of our lives changed"

I guess I'd forgotten the actual date when we met or any significance of it a long time ago. I was thinking I'd just respond to her and say "Yeah, I regret that evening ever happened" then I was thinking hmm we do have awesome sex why not just keep her as FwB and say "why don't you come over Sat and show me what it means to you" but then I see two problems with that. One, it's hard for me to bone one woman (especially someone with history) while pursuing other women, my mind tells me I'm doing something disingenuous so I'm my own enemy there. I'll have to work on this part. Two, IF she's doing the same thing then there's the whole STD problem - sure I use a condom but one can catch bad stuff from oral sex too.

For now I think I'm going to ignore the text, think about it some more and see what I want to do. All I know for sure is that while for some reason I do trust her that she's not romantically involved with this other guy I just don't want him around her and if she's not going to do something about that then...well back to the same two options, FwB or boot her out of my life.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

OP here...thanks guys! So guess what I find this morning when I wake up? Yep, a txt from her (2 weeks since we had the last contact) with a pic of the restaurant where we had our first date and it said "It was today, 7yrs ago when both of our lives changed"

I guess I'd forgotten the actual date when we met or any significance of it a long time ago. I was thinking I'd just respond to her and say "Yeah, I regret that evening never happened" then I was thinking hmm we do have awesome sex why not just keep her as FwB and say "why don't you come over Sat and show me what it means to you" but then I see two problems with that. One, it's hard for me to bone one woman (especially someone with history) while pursuing other women, my mind tells me I'm doing something disingenuous so I'm my own enemy there. I'll have to work on this part. Two, IF she's doing the same thing then there's the whole STD problem - sure I use a condom but one can catch bad stuff from oral sex too.

For now I think I'm going to ignore the text, think about it some more and see what I want to do. All I know for sure is that while for some reason I do trust her that she's not romantically involved with this other guy I just don't want him around her and if she's not going to do something about that then...well back to the same two options, FwB or boot her out of my life.

Don't do nothing for a couple days. She is fishing for your response.

 

[Roober]

OP here...thanks guys! So guess what I find this morning when I wake up? Yep, a txt from her (2 weeks since we had the last contact) with a pic of the restaurant where we had our first date and it said "It was today, 7yrs ago when both of our lives changed"

I guess I'd forgotten the actual date when we met or any significance of it a long time ago. I was thinking I'd just respond to her and say "Yeah, I regret that evening ever happened" then I was thinking hmm we do have awesome sex why not just keep her as FwB and say "why don't you come over Sat and show me what it means to you" but then I see two problems with that. One, it's hard for me to bone one woman (especially someone with history) while pursuing other women, my mind tells me I'm doing something disingenuous so I'm my own enemy there. I'll have to work on this part. Two, IF she's doing the same thing then there's the whole STD problem - sure I use a condom but one can catch bad stuff from oral sex too.

For now I think I'm going to ignore the text, think about it some more and see what I want to do. All I know for sure is that while for some reason I do trust her that she's not romantically involved with this other guy I just don't want him around her and if she's not going to do something about that then...well back to the same two options, FwB or boot her out of my life.

I suggest you ignore all contact from her. You wont ever fully move on until you do. She fvcked up and she knows it. Let her live in the grave she dug for herself.

 

[speed dawg]

Thanks. I agree with you there. My biggest problem is that after some time passes (several months) I become soft so when she's back orbiting me telling me how much she misses me and how she can't fall asleep wishing I was with her etc etc it's hard not to believe all that because deep down I think she cares...but not sure what her deal is.

Understatement of the year.

OP here...thanks guys! So guess what I find this morning when I wake up? Yep, a txt from her (2 weeks since we had the last contact) with a pic of the restaurant where we had our first date and it said "It was today, 7yrs ago when both of our lives changed"

You are totally in her frame. Look how happy you are right now. She has you absolutely wrapped around her finger.

I guess I'd forgotten the actual date when we met or any significance of it a long time ago. I was thinking I'd just respond to her and say "Yeah, I regret that evening ever happened" then I was thinking hmm we do have awesome sex why not just keep her as FwB and say "why don't you come over Sat and show me what it means to you" but then I see two problems with that. One, it's hard for me to bone one woman (especially someone with history) while pursuing other women, my mind tells me I'm doing something disingenuous so I'm my own enemy there. I'll have to work on this part. Two, IF she's doing the same thing then there's the whole STD problem - sure I use a condom but one can catch bad stuff from oral sex too.

For now I think I'm going to ignore the text, think about it some more and see what I want to do. All I know for sure is that while for some reason I do trust her that she's not romantically involved with this other guy I just don't want him around her and if she's not going to do something about that then...well back to the same two options, FwB or boot her out of my life.

Who cares? I highly doubt you can handle being FwB because she has you so emotionally invested. FwB only really works when the guy TRULY doesn't care, and that isn't you at the moment.

If you were strong, I'd say sure, play some games with her, get laid, etc. But you're weak. She's just going to continually grind you down.

I'd ignore her.

 

[Glassguy]

we just stopped talking and then after a couple of months I find out she went back to her ex

Strike one. I would have kicked her to the curb at this point. Not even a booty call. That bish be banging all kinds of dudes behind your back and you would never know to after the fact

Long story short, we get back together but it wasn't the same. While the sex was even better (porn style)

She would have never stepped foot around me after the first time, but once you're there she should have been only a booty call if the sex was good enough. At no point after the first cheating episode was this chick ever good enough for more than that.

I told her she'd have to pick either him or me as I'm no longer comfortable with their relationship even if it's friendship. At the time I believed she was telling me the truth but I knew the orbiter wanted more than just a friendship. We saw a counselor (her choice), who sided with me but I could tell the ex-gf wasn't happy about it...though she did supposedly stop talking to him.

Dude wake TF up. Why would you try to turn a wh0re into a housewife?

Why does she keep insisting on wanting to be with me if she's got the other little orbiter she wants.

Because she wants to ride the c0ck carousel and she is a wh0re.

Go get an STD test and find someone worth your time. Tell this bish to go kick rocks and block her.

 

[HankHill]

I hear you guys but just to be fair (since there are always two sides to a story) she was a good person to me the first three years. She was basically like a wife without a ring or even a future commitment from me. She'd wake up early every morning (she lived with me for a year before we broke up the first time) make us bfast, pack lunch for my kid everyday. When I was traveling abroad for work I came back to my entire inside house repainted, upgraded kitchen faucet, new baseboards etc because I'd mentioned to her once that I'd like to do that at some point when I find the time. She never wanted me to pay a dime for any of it. Deep down I think she cares - she said I didn't appreciate her and that slowly pushed her away, she's probably right, I was too busy enjoying life as a whole than making sure she was emotionally feeling OK, I was never good at this stuff. I also think she doesn't want to stop hanging out with this dude because he does that for her, he's like a male girlfriend to her and I think because she feels indebted to him (she was in a car crash and spoke little English at the time, this guy helped her out and they eventually started dating). I'm just mentioning this because these are the reasons why I become soft when I think about all this and to make sure you guys have a clear pic before condemning her (which I don't have a problem with if you still feel it's deserved, I'm sure it is for her behavior over the last 3yrs).

So was I happy to see her text this morning? Yes, a little, because deep down I want the life we had before. Even when I was dating other women I still missed her. I mean this has been a 3 year roller coaster and as much as I try not to I eventually get sucked back into it.

I have a date tomorrow but I'm not even looking forward to it- dating is such BS, meet someone for coffee, pretend to be my best, she does the same. Feel good for a little bit, then go home alone. Play more games to possibly get laid otherwise you go to the next one the same ole cycle repeats. Whereas, I can stay busy with my hobbies and call my ex, have an amazing sex for sure and go to sleep satisfied in every way.

 

[Billtx49]

I mean this has been a 3 year roller coaster and as much as I try not to I eventually get sucked back into it.

There’s only one person that can put a stop to that. You asked for other men’s thoughts, you got them.

 

[HankHill]

I know, and believe me, I'm appreciative of everyone that's taken the time to respond. It has helped but I wouldn't have been here if this wasn't so hard. I got over my 10yr marriage easier than this, and I dated 3 women (longest about 6 mos) in the last 3 yrs and I don't even think twice about any of them. This one is something else.

 

[Roober]

So 6 f'ing years later I feel like I wasted such a long time trying to make someone mine (like LTR, I hate the dating game and the BS). Why does she keep insisting on wanting to be with me if she's got the other little orbiter she wants.

Your words. Nobody else's. Your going to waste many more years if you continue to rationalize her behavior. You hate dating because your scared, maybe even terrified of possible rejection. It's perfectly normal to feel that way...

You need to decide if you are a man that runs from his fears or faces them head on. If you are the former, you are truly wasting our time.

Time is our most valuable asset, and your throwing yours in the garbage. I ask that you not be so selfish to waste the time of others who have offered guidance to a complete stranger in hope that you wake up! If you wish to stay connected, your better served asking for advice from the neighborhood drunk at your local watering hole.

 

[speed dawg]

I hear you guys but just to be fair (since there are always two sides to a story) she was a good person to me the first three years. She was basically like a wife without a ring or even a future commitment from me. She'd wake up early every morning (she lived with me for a year before we broke up the first time) make us bfast, pack lunch for my kid everyday. When I was traveling abroad for work I came back to my entire inside house repainted, upgraded kitchen faucet, new baseboards etc because I'd mentioned to her once that I'd like to do that at some point when I find the time. She never wanted me to pay a dime for any of it. Deep down I think she cares - she said I didn't appreciate her and that slowly pushed her away, she's probably right, I was too busy enjoying life as a whole than making sure she was emotionally feeling OK, I was never good at this stuff. I also think she doesn't want to stop hanging out with this dude because he does that for her, he's like a male girlfriend to her and I think because she feels indebted to him (she was in a car crash and spoke little English at the time, this guy helped her out and they eventually started dating). I'm just mentioning this because these are the reasons why I become soft when I think about all this and to make sure you guys have a clear pic before condemning her (which I don't have a problem with if you still feel it's deserved, I'm sure it is for her behavior over the last 3yrs).

Stop!

You're going to need to jar your thinking. Look what I bolded up there. You've actually got this opposite. To me, this woman isn't a wh0re, she's just a woman. You and her ex are both AFCs and she's bouncing back and forth between whoever of you is attracting her at the moment. Women's behavior is very consistent if you know what to look for. I mean, she's got you over here wanting to be her emotional tampon, and you're convinced the other guy is her male girlfriend. I've got news for you pal, it's more likely that he's her male dildo. All the stuff you did with her? Yeah, the dirty stuff.....he's doing it too. She's not special, get her off the pedestal.

You did a lot of things wrong, but it's not the things she's told you. She's filled up your brain with a bunch of ******** crap but what you really did was allow her IL in you to drop. She's not attracted to you, she doesn't have desire for you. That's the problem. So, what you need to do, is examine your behavior in the first 2 or so years, and then figure out what you changed, which made her less attracted to you. Women don't leave you overnight, it takes a while for them to reach the low IL point where they actually go let another man go balls deep in her.

So was I happy to see her text this morning? Yes, a little, because deep down I want the life we had before. Even when I was dating other women I still missed her. I mean this has been a 3 year roller coaster and as much as I try not to I eventually get sucked back into it.

I have a date tomorrow but I'm not even looking forward to it- dating is such BS, meet someone for coffee, pretend to be my best, she does the same. Feel good for a little bit, then go home alone. Play more games to possibly get laid otherwise you go to the next one the same ole cycle repeats. Whereas, I can stay busy with my hobbies and call my ex, have an amazing sex for sure and go to sleep satisfied in every way.

We've all been through this. You should read the DJ Bible ASAP.