Opinions on "friends first" in this situation

[DrStranglove]

Do you wish to further ur current role as Mr. Kotex ?

Or

Do you wish to progress as a Don Juan ?

Don Juan. I just met up with her for 90 minutes after she reached out wanting to talk. She doesn't lay her emotional problems on me, we don't talk too much between hanging out.

So how would a Don Juan handle this weekend meeting she wants..

1) Flake and not call.
2) Show up and tell her friends won't work because that's not what you want.
3) ...?

 

[The Diver]

Don Juan. I just met up with her for 90 minutes after she reached out wanting to talk. She doesn't lay her emotional problems on me, we don't talk too much between hanging out.

So how would a Don Juan handle this weekend meeting she wants..

1) Flake and not call.
2) Show up and tell her friends won't work because that's not what you want.
3) ...?

FFS man. My 4th option for you:
Just GTFOH.

It's frustrating reading your "update".
(At that point, I really think you have some disability understanding the replies you received here )

 

[NSX-R]

After reading more of your replies, this reminds me of the exact same situation I was in when I was 22.

Her name was Danielle. We used to message, email, talk on phone, all the things which I believed were getting me towards her to be mine. She said things like “I know it in my heart you’re the man I’ll marry.” and “our connection scares me. It’s like nothing I’ve felt before” and “I have to make mistakes first before I can be the woman you truly deserve” and “it’s hard for me to let people in, so I need someone in my corner with patience”. I fell for every line. It was psychological manipulation at its finest, to make her feel desired and boost her sh!tty self esteem.

I was out walking one night with a friend to a bar - the same night she had sent me an email with sweet thoughts poured in to it - and I spotted her as she walked head on right to me and she saw me too. I even said “hey Danielle!” She was holding hands with some guy who looked like he was named Chad and about 30 years old. She later told me he was an a-hole and they were dating.
I wish I would say I stopped all contact right there. But I didn’t. I was so diluted by all the ‘facts’ she said to me through email and phone, that I kept the cycle going for about a total of 2.5 years! I had been brainwashed.
I was that guy who deeply believed in “soul mates” and her words.

She still messages me from time to time, saying something ridiculous like I’ve been on her mind and she wants to meet up. Then when I set a date, she’ll agree, then last minute flake out because ‘she forgot it was friday’ or ‘Has an important meeting’ or ‘has had a crazy week and needs some alone time’. Then when I call her out she says I’m unfair haha. Oh god. But it’s the same thing over and over. She tries to pull me in to her orbit when her life doesn’t feel right. Or she needs a boost of loving thoughts because her guy of the month isn’t paying her the attention her heart really desires.

And the whole b!tch of it all to is... when we’re in person together, we connect amazingly and there is an undeniable energy to what we have.
But ya energy or not.. she was effing guys and using me for my kind and thoughtful words at the end of the day. She disrespected me harshly and I can never forget that.

People here have stories like this, and your story is screaming of a lot of same instances. When you’re both eating ice cream
And looking at one another she could be thinking about how you’re weak or about chad. Just because you’re feeling and thinking one thing doesn’t mean she’s thinking the same. It’s a romantic picture to have in your head of eating ice cream and holding each other’s gaze. But you’re not sleeping with her so the facts behind that gaze are different. If you saw that part in a movie you’d tell the protagonist (you) to gtfo and drop this girl because she’s eating your heart just like she’s eating that scoop of ice cream.

You’re not going to heed a lot of the advice here, because I can tell you still believe in that true ‘movie type love’ and destined connection. And hey, a part of me still does too. It takes time to scrub your brain which has been indoctrinated for so long of this blue pill way. You’ll have to get slapped by reality a bunch more times. But you’ll see soon enough. It will all click. It’s not an overnight thing. But as long as you can see a sliver of the truth, you’ll uncover more as time goes on.

Been in the same situation but for not so long. 2-3 months . Chick was telling me the same shyt all the time . We would do anything except of fck . Every time i was trying to initiate for fck she would back away and tell me she wants to know me better first or that she can't trust me because of my player status and shyt or that she had some bad experiences from an older bf blah blah One day we went out together she said she had to leave early because she was going to sleep at her female co worker and they had to wake up early . We went together , picked her co worker at her home and let them there . Meanwhile i went to fck another plate since i wasn't fcking that one that night .
I went to a place where i went once with her . Guess what . She was there with her co worker ( it was 3 o'clock at night and she told me she had to sleep at least 11) and another 3 dudes . I was devastated. Stayed in a corner where neither her or her co worker could see me or my plate . Later that night i couldn't have a full hard on to fck my plate .

Later in the morning i texted her a "sweet" message if she slept comfortably and well . Wrote back a very nice reply but i wasn't buying any of this shyt. She got fcked by a dude in his 30s . Told her how much of a slut she was and that i saw her and she told me it was my fault and shyt . We remained friends but once we are alone she would always come and trib on my body or say shyt that turn me on . Lol she even sends me nudes. I'm not buying any of this shyt .

OP your situation seems the same but it might also be legit . I would continue the same way as you do , but have some other plates to play with . If shyt happens your plates will be there for you .

 

[EmotionalGeek]

FFS man. My 4th option for you:
Just GTFOH.

It's frustrating reading your "update".
(At that point, I really think you have some disability understanding the replies you received here )

Guy is hopelessly in love. Let him learn on his own mistakes. Lessons will sink in in some future and it will be better reinforce this way.

 

[Spaz]

Don Juan. I just met up with her for 90 minutes after she reached out wanting to talk. She doesn't lay her emotional problems on me, we don't talk too much between hanging out.

So how would a Don Juan handle this weekend meeting she wants..

1) Flake and not call.
2) Show up and tell her friends won't work because that's not what you want.
3) ...?

@Igetit! took time and effort to comb through past threads and posted it here for ur benefit.

Brother, please do us the courtesy and read it.

 

[marmel75]

Don Juan. I just met up with her for 90 minutes after she reached out wanting to talk. She doesn't lay her emotional problems on me, we don't talk too much between hanging out.

So how would a Don Juan handle this weekend meeting she wants..

1) Flake and not call.
2) Show up and tell her friends won't work because that's not what you want.
3) ...?

Oh wow...she reached out to you...that makes ALL the difference! Now you are going to be banging like rabbits!

NOT!

 

[EmotionalGeek]

No...it's NOT. In fact,it's pretty typical.



Mistake #1.



So when she sent you the long text,saying she wanted to be friends and talking about how much she'd value you in her life,you said "No problem,with no expectations". You messed up there,dude. You agreed to being friends with her,although it's not what you really want.

If she happens to meet another guy and decides to take a liking to him,you have NO GROUNDS to be upset with her. If you're out one day and see her walking hand in hand with another guy,don't get mad or angry. YOU AGREED to be "friends". You LET HER pick for YOU...what you didn't want. So that's what you got.



Another mistake. And this one,has FRIENDZONE written all over it. You shouldn't be setting back listening to her stories of bring "hurt" in the past. What do you want to be....her therapist,or her lover?



Yeah....and apparently this defense mechanism is pretty effective. It got YOU hanging out around her for the past 3 months,waiting for her to finally be "ready" to date. You see any end in sight,or you still sittin' back,twiddling your thumbs,waiting for her to be "ready"???



Now here...this....was a HUGE mistake on your part. There are two things you should have done when she asked you about your feelings for her. One...

You should have expressed SEXUAL INTEREST. Tell her you like the way she looks in a certain outfit,tell her you got "turned on" whenever you see her,tell her you like the way she moves when she walks...whatever,it just should have been sexual....and not mentioned anything about "caring about", "having feelings for",your "heart"....or anything like that.

By expressing sexual interest,she'll know that she AIN'T special. Why? Because you can turn around and see another chick hotter,cuter,or with bigger boobs. The way you did it,by saying she's "worth fighting for" and how it'd "break your heart" if something happened to her,you likely boosted her ego,cause you got all these feelings for her WITHOUT her having to do anything (no dating,no sex,no nada).


And the second thing you should have done.......

You should have thrown the question RIGHT BACK IN HER FACE.

Have you noticed that,there's TWO PEOPLE HERE...you and her,but YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE expressing their feelings? What about HER FEELINGS towards you? When you told her your feelings for her,she didn't say she felt the same way towards you....she just jumped up and down,squeeled,and ran off. That's basically like telling someone you love them,but instead of them saying it back,they say,"Thank you".

I would have thrown that sh!t right back in her face.




So her interest has skyrocketed. So.....what's that mean? You going out on dates now? Having sex? She finally let you "touch" her?

Yeah....I didn't think so.




And yet,another mistake.....

You told her you wanted to see your friendship grow into more quote: "When the time is right". Ok....and when will that be?
And WHO decides when? And of course she agreed.....cause now,she can push off a possible relationship basically INDEFINITELY....and YOU gave her the right to do so.




Dude,listen......

You said she hasn't been in a relationship with anyone since she got hurt.....10 years ago....but here,you say it's possible that she really needs time to build trust and comfort. IF SHE HASN'T GOT PAST THE HURT AND LEARNED TO TRUST AFTER 10 YEARS of being alone (yeah,right),she's too damaged to try to have a relationship with.

wow, you really dissected the situation. Now I see all hidden contracts.