Opinions on "friends first" in this situation

[DrStranglove]

I normally wouldn't but this situation might be different?

Been hanging out with this girl for about 3-4 months. We click great and have loads of fun together but she resisted getting too physical saying she moves slow, doesn't like to be touched, and hasn't been with someone in a long time. I respected her wishes but still made gentle attempts to escalate. Sometime around Easter she went cold, said I was moving too fast but she mostly wanted to be alone. I was very nonchalant and we left things amicably.

After about two weeks of NC she texts me out of the blue. Long text about wanting to be friends, how much she would value me in her life, etc. I said sure no problem with no expectations.

We text a few days later and she tells me "I've been thinking about you lately, you were really kind to me". So we hang out a few days later and she opens up about getting hurt a long time back and hasn't dated much since then. Uses friends first as a defense mechanism to build trust and get to know who a person really is before getting emotionally attached.

Then a week ago she asked me to be direct about my feelings. Told her I know she moves slow but is worth waiting for, that I thought she was the sweetest girl and it'd break my heart if anything happened to her, that we have chemistry that's hard to find and worth fighting to keep, etc.

She was shocked and elated I felt that way, had thought she meant very little to me, had no idea I cared that much, and now her interest level has seemed to skyrocket. She's has been initiating contact almost everyday and initiated to see me Sunday and Tuesday. A massive leap forward in frequency. Sunday in the car I told her crystal clear I value the friendship, but want to see this grow into more when the time is right. She agreed.

It's seems like things have taken a positive step forward and she clearly came back on her own, but I'm still somewhat skeptical. She's great at dropping lines here and there like I'm special and the only one (ex: I would never do X with guys but I am with you), while at the same time being aloof and somewhat closed off. Very possible it's legit and she needs time to build trust and comfort as she claims, but it's kinda weird and has forced my guard up to a degree.

 

[MrWood]

im getting popcorn for this...

 

[flowtheory]

I normally wouldn't but this situation might be different?

Been hanging out with this girl for about 3-4 months. We click great and have loads of fun together but she resisted getting too physical saying she moves slow, doesn't like to be touched, and hasn't been with someone in a long time. I respected her wishes but still made gentle attempts to escalate. Sometime around Easter she went cold, said I was moving too fast but she mostly wanted to be alone. I was very nonchalant and we left things amicably.

After about two weeks of NC she texts me out of the blue. Long text about wanting to be friends, how much she would value me in her life, etc. I said sure no problem with no expectations.

We text a few days later and she tells me "I've been thinking about you lately, you were really kind to me". So we hang out a few days later and she opens up about getting hurt a long time back and hasn't dated much since then. Uses friends first as a defense mechanism to build trust and get to know who a person really is before getting emotionally attached.

Then a week ago she asked me to be direct about my feelings. Told her I know she moves slow but is worth waiting for, that I thought she was the sweetest girl and it'd break my heart if anything happened to her, that we have chemistry that's hard to find and worth fighting to keep, etc.

She was shocked and elated I felt that way, had thought she meant very little to me, had no idea I cared that much, and now her interest level has seemed to skyrocket. She's has been initiating contact almost everyday and initiated to see me Sunday and Tuesday. A massive leap forward in frequency. Sunday in the car I told her crystal clear I value the friendship, but want to see this grow into more when the time is right. She agreed.

It's seems like things have taken a positive step forward and she clearly came back on her own, but I'm still somewhat skeptical. She's great at dropping lines here and there like I'm special and the only one (ex: I would never do X with guys but I am with you), while at the same time being aloof and somewhat closed off. Very possible it's legit and she needs time to build trust and comfort as she claims, but it's kinda weird and has forced my guard up to a degree.

Friends, dating, or whatever... sounds like she’s got some baggage. And you might be getting yourself in for more than you actually desire.
Don’t forget, she may seem shinier than she really is because you haven’t had sex or fooled around with her yet. Her being elusive and distant makes her more enticing

 

[sosousage]

I normally wouldn't but this situation might be different?

Been hanging out with this girl for about 3-4 months. We click great and have loads of fun together but she resisted getting too physical saying she moves slow, doesn't like to be touched, and hasn't been with someone in a long time. I respected her wishes but still made gentle attempts to escalate. Sometime around Easter she went cold, said I was moving too fast but she mostly wanted to be alone. I was very nonchalant and we left things amicably.

After about two weeks of NC she texts me out of the blue. Long text about wanting to be friends, how much she would value me in her life, etc. I said sure no problem with no expectations.

We text a few days later and she tells me "I've been thinking about you lately, you were really kind to me". So we hang out a few days later and she opens up about getting hurt a long time back and hasn't dated much since then. Uses friends first as a defense mechanism to build trust and get to know who a person really is before getting emotionally attached.

Then a week ago she asked me to be direct about my feelings. Told her I know she moves slow but is worth waiting for, that I thought she was the sweetest girl and it'd break my heart if anything happened to her, that we have chemistry that's hard to find and worth fighting to keep, etc.

She was shocked and elated I felt that way, had thought she meant very little to me, had no idea I cared that much, and now her interest level has seemed to skyrocket. She's has been initiating contact almost everyday and initiated to see me Sunday and Tuesday. A massive leap forward in frequency. Sunday in the car I told her crystal clear I value the friendship, but want to see this grow into more when the time is right. She agreed.

It's seems like things have taken a positive step forward and she clearly came back on her own, but I'm still somewhat skeptical. She's great at dropping lines here and there like I'm special and the only one (ex: I would never do X with guys but I am with you), while at the same time being aloof and somewhat closed off. Very possible it's legit and she needs time to build trust and comfort as she claims, but it's kinda weird and has forced my guard up to a degree.

yeah she asked what you feel towards her to increase her low ego. she probably knew u r into her and doesnt care about you really. she just want orbiter friend. and all that stuff she said is bs to keep you wasting your life trying to get her attention

 

[sph21]

I normally wouldn't but this situation might be different?

No. It's not any different. She frienzoned you from the start. Why would now be any different? Women can destroy your life if you let them.

she resisted getting too physical saying she moves slow, doesn't like to be touched, and hasn't been with someone in a long time.

Those are just BS. She just told you that she's not interested in you as a lover. If her IL is high, then she won't put that barrier in front of you. When she's so into you, it will flow with ease. And this is not one of it.

"friends first" is like saying to her, "hi girl, I'm not interested in you sexually and I'm stripping any sexuality from myself because I just want to play it safe with you". When suddenly you want more than friends with her, she will never be able to see you as a sexual being.

im getting popcorn for this...

LOL

 

[DrStranglove]

yeah she asked what you feel towards her to increase her low ego. she probably knew u r into her and doesnt care about you really. she just want orbiter friend. and all that stuff she said is bs to keep you wasting your life trying to get her attention

This is basically what I'm worried about. When we're together she's super sweet, motivates me on life goals I'm trying to accomplish, makes me feel good. But at the same time she's reserved with her feelings. I have no idea how she really feels. Seems somewhat secretive, very small part of me says she might even be hiding something. Lots of even basic things are still "oh I have to get to know you better", but it's like she doesn't fully put herself out there to get to know (yet). She says the same about me though, that she doesn't really know me. Last week we joked I'm a mystery to her and she's a mystery to me.

My best friend took an interest early on and always asks for updates. He think she's just weird, maybe even has a mood disorder, but funny enough he called some of this stuff about building friendship trust before she spilled it and thinks she'll catch feelings if I just play it cool and don't pressure. Sunday we stopped for ice cream. She was on the other side of the room, I glanced over and she was already looking at me. We held deep eye contact for about 4 seconds. Man the way she looked at me, the way she smiled, nothing felt friends about it, all butterflies. Sounds crazy but it's little moments like that you notice.

Guess I'll just keep dating other women so I don't get obsessed over her and if things haven't progressed after a few months I'll have my answer.

Those are just BS. She just told you that she's not interested in you as a lover. If her IL is high, then she won't put that barrier in front of you. When she's so into you, it will flow with ease. And this is not one of it.

For what it's worth -- I worked with a girl briefly who was one of her college roommates. She remembered that when guys would talk about sex or cuddling too soon she would instantly shut them down and seemed prude. I didn't tell her much about our situation either. But you still could be right.

 

[sosousage]

This is basically what I'm worried about. When we're together she's super sweet, motivates me on life goals I'm trying to accomplish, makes me feel good. But at the same time she's reserved with her feelings. I have no idea how she really feels. Seems somewhat secretive, very small part of me says she might even be hiding something. Lots of even basic things are still "oh I have to get to know you better", but it's like she doesn't fully put herself out there to get to know (yet). She says the same about me though, that she doesn't really know me. Last week we joked I'm a mystery to her and she's a mystery to me.

My best friend took an interest early on and always asks for updates. He think she's just weird, maybe even has a mood disorder, but funny enough he called some of this stuff about building friendship trust before she spilled it and thinks she'll catch feelings if I just play it cool and don't pressure. Sunday we stopped for ice cream. She was on the other side of the room, I glanced over and she was already looking at me. We held deep eye contact for about 4 seconds. Man the way she looked at me, the way she smiled, nothing felt friends about it, all butterflies. Sounds crazy but it's little moments like that you notice.

Guess I'll just keep dating other women so I don't get obsessed over her and if things haven't progressed after a few months I'll have my answer.



For what it's worth -- I worked with a girl briefly who was one of her college roommates. She remembered that when guys would talk about sex or cuddling too soon she would instantly shut them down and was very prude. I didn't tell her much about our situation either. But you still could be right.

foolproof way:
- get ripped
- install tinder
- swipe all right
- get their numbers, if they dont give in 4 lines kick them
- reset your tinder account after 3 days and repeat, get more numbers



stop wasting time with her. shes not into you.

 

[DrStranglove]

foolproof way:
- get ripped
- install tinder
- swipe all right
- get their numbers, if they dont give in 4 lines kick them
- reset your tinder account after 3 days and repeat, get more numbers



stop wasting time with her. shes not into you.

Do Tinder and Bumble.

Maybe I downplayed the situation, but after I told her my feelings, she kind of went crazy, telling me how much it meant to her, that she loved how confident and direct I was about it, and has been blowing my phone up waaay more often almost daily. She did a complete 180.

I woke up Sunday to a text asking if I was free later, because she wanted to show me more about her. Took me to some of her favorite places that "defined" her or something. I texted a followup Monday and she immediately wanted to see me that night. I was busy and saw her Tues instead. She was not even close to this eager before.

Agree there's a chance she's not that into me.. but surely there's room for case by case discretion, not just following some generic script of "if she doesn't X by Y then she's not interested". Her first college was an all girls school. Just doesn't read to me like the typical attention wh0re but maybe I'm in denial.

 

[sosousage]

Do Tinder and Bumble.

Maybe I downplayed the situation, but after I told her my feelings, she kind of went crazy, telling me how much it meant to her, that she loved how confident and direct I was about it, and has been blowing my phone up waaay more often almost daily. She did a complete 180.

I woke up Sunday to a text asking if I was free later, because she wanted to show me more about her. Took me to some of her favorite places that "defined" her or something. I texted a followup Monday and she immediately wanted to see me that night. I was busy and saw her Tues instead. She was not even close to this eager before.

Agree there's a chance she's not that into me.. but surely there's room for case by case discretion, not just following some generic script of "if she doesn't X by Y then she's not interested". Her first college was an all girls school. Just doesn't read to me like the typical attention wh0re but maybe I'm in denial.

wtf man XD ignore her. 99% of things they say doesnt matter. if she doesnt want u but gives explanations, it means SHE DOESNT WANT U

 

[Spaz]

im getting popcorn for this...

After reading OP had butterflies just by looking into each other eyes, 4 seconds...

I'll join the popcorn fest

 

[Billtx49]

but maybe I'm in denial.

3-4 months of seeing her, but no sexy for you and you’re already starting to put her on a pedestal, then she’s giving you her best sugar coated ego boosting friend treatment when you start to pull your attention away with NC… Does this sound like a good deal for you?
I agree with your above statement.

 

[nismo-4]

Move on immediately. In that time she's going slow with you, Chad and Tyrone have already slayed her vagina.

 

[ItsFate451]

I normally wouldn't but this situation might be different?

Been hanging out with this girl for about 3-4 months. We click great and have loads of fun together but she resisted getting too physical saying she moves slow, doesn't like to be touched, and hasn't been with someone in a long time. I respected her wishes but still made gentle attempts to escalate. Sometime around Easter she went cold, said I was moving too fast but she mostly wanted to be alone. I was very nonchalant and we left things amicably.

After about two weeks of NC she texts me out of the blue. Long text about wanting to be friends, how much she would value me in her life, etc. I said sure no problem with no expectations.

We text a few days later and she tells me "I've been thinking about you lately, you were really kind to me". So we hang out a few days later and she opens up about getting hurt a long time back and hasn't dated much since then. Uses friends first as a defense mechanism to build trust and get to know who a person really is before getting emotionally attached.

Then a week ago she asked me to be direct about my feelings. Told her I know she moves slow but is worth waiting for, that I thought she was the sweetest girl and it'd break my heart if anything happened to her, that we have chemistry that's hard to find and worth fighting to keep, etc.

She was shocked and elated I felt that way, had thought she meant very little to me, had no idea I cared that much, and now her interest level has seemed to skyrocket. She's has been initiating contact almost everyday and initiated to see me Sunday and Tuesday. A massive leap forward in frequency. Sunday in the car I told her crystal clear I value the friendship, but want to see this grow into more when the time is right. She agreed.

It's seems like things have taken a positive step forward and she clearly came back on her own, but I'm still somewhat skeptical. She's great at dropping lines here and there like I'm special and the only one (ex: I would never do X with guys but I am with you), while at the same time being aloof and somewhat closed off. Very possible it's legit and she needs time to build trust and comfort as she claims, but it's kinda weird and has forced my guard up to a degree.

Never agree to being friends. Now she gets what she wants and you don’t get what you want which is more. If she sent me that text wanting to be friends I would’ve told her straight up “I can’t just be your friend. Friend with benefits but not just friends. Hit me up if you ever change your mind.” And stick with it. Trust me she’s going to keep pressing with the let’s be friends bull.

 

[Billtx49]

Using you

Yep, she’s obviously manipulating the hell out of him for his time and attention without having to give up any poon.
Attention wh0ring or more likely there’s another dog in her yard and OP is a back burner boy…

 

[flowtheory]

After reading more of your replies, this reminds me of the exact same situation I was in when I was 22.

Her name was Danielle. We used to message, email, talk on phone, all the things which I believed were getting me towards her to be mine. She said things like “I know it in my heart you’re the man I’ll marry.” and “our connection scares me. It’s like nothing I’ve felt before” and “I have to make mistakes first before I can be the woman you truly deserve” and “it’s hard for me to let people in, so I need someone in my corner with patience”. I fell for every line. It was psychological manipulation at its finest, to make her feel desired and boost her sh!tty self esteem.

I was out walking one night with a friend to a bar - the same night she had sent me an email with sweet thoughts poured in to it - and I spotted her as she walked head on right to me and she saw me too. I even said “hey Danielle!” She was holding hands with some guy who looked like he was named Chad and about 30 years old. She later told me he was an a-hole and they were dating.
I wish I would say I stopped all contact right there. But I didn’t. I was so diluted by all the ‘facts’ she said to me through email and phone, that I kept the cycle going for about a total of 2.5 years! I had been brainwashed.
I was that guy who deeply believed in “soul mates” and her words.

She still messages me from time to time, saying something ridiculous like I’ve been on her mind and she wants to meet up. Then when I set a date, she’ll agree, then last minute flake out because ‘she forgot it was friday’ or ‘Has an important meeting’ or ‘has had a crazy week and needs some alone time’. Then when I call her out she says I’m unfair haha. Oh god. But it’s the same thing over and over. She tries to pull me in to her orbit when her life doesn’t feel right. Or she needs a boost of loving thoughts because her guy of the month isn’t paying her the attention her heart really desires.

And the whole b!tch of it all to is... when we’re in person together, we connect amazingly and there is an undeniable energy to what we have.
But ya energy or not.. she was effing guys and using me for my kind and thoughtful words at the end of the day. She disrespected me harshly and I can never forget that.

People here have stories like this, and your story is screaming of a lot of same instances. When you’re both eating ice cream
And looking at one another she could be thinking about how you’re weak or about chad. Just because you’re feeling and thinking one thing doesn’t mean she’s thinking the same. It’s a romantic picture to have in your head of eating ice cream and holding each other’s gaze. But you’re not sleeping with her so the facts behind that gaze are different. If you saw that part in a movie you’d tell the protagonist (you) to gtfo and drop this girl because she’s eating your heart just like she’s eating that scoop of ice cream.

You’re not going to heed a lot of the advice here, because I can tell you still believe in that true ‘movie type love’ and destined connection. And hey, a part of me still does too. It takes time to scrub your brain which has been indoctrinated for so long of this blue pill way. You’ll have to get slapped by reality a bunch more times. But you’ll see soon enough. It will all click. It’s not an overnight thing. But as long as you can see a sliver of the truth, you’ll uncover more as time goes on.

 

[Tilex]

Doesn't like to be touched my arse!

You need to get physical with her! Quit all this nonsense about showing your feelings before touching her.
You haven't made it to first base yet, and you're already celebrating as the MVP.

 

[DreamAgain]

OP, I've been in your situation before. There's always another guy in the picture getting what you're not. This girl isn't sweet, it's all an act.

Go no contact and look for other women, save yourself a lot of time and trouble.

 

[sosousage]

funy things girls do. they get banged by alphas who dont give them any other time and then to compensate, these girls seek for orbiters to develop some emotional connection or for attention/ego boost

 

[CMNILS87]

You’re her emotional tampon and she’s going over to bang Bruce after crying her eyes out to you. Only way to try and salvaged is to invite her over to your place, movie and escalate or just guide her to bedroom, but it may be too late already

 

[DrStranglove]

Cool thanks for the replies.

Yeah basically I just posted because I wanted to know if there was any chance this needing to build friendship and trust before relationship and sex could be real, or I'm just getting strung along. Normally I would never entertain "friends first" but she said all the right things to make me reconsider and her story has been consistent. Claims she isn't dating other guys and isn't sexually active, basically hasn't really dated since this guy supposedly broke her heart 10 years ago.

Sounds like it's probably best I start distancing myself from the situation.