Married Sex Life

[Maniac Magee]

New here looking for some thoughts on the topic of married sex life.

Wife and I have been married for 5 years, together 10. Throughout the courtship, I possessed what I think was an alpha mentality. High status job, unintentional amused mastery, etc.

To make a long story short, the sex was always enthusiastic and plenty. But even though we have 2 kids today, the sex today is more less obligatory duty sex, not to mention I no longer have the high status job. That would be bad in and of itself, but what makes it even worse is that she got into the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy one day out of the blue just to "see what the craze was all about," and as "something to do."

She devoured all 3 books within a week and a half, and even bought one of the books on her birthday (I know this because we share an Amazon account). I also noticed that she has the music from the movie downloaded on her iPod.

When I asked her about it, she claimed it was just the "story" she was following, and that she simply liked the music. She even claimed to have "skipped over the sex scences" because to her, they were "unrealistic."

I have a hard time believing this since she seems so uninterested in sex, or even discussing the topic, with me. Yet she'll blaze through thousands of pages about salacious sex acts. I'd be remiss if I didn't add that she watched the movie Magic Mike one day when I wasn't home as well.

Now I know some might say it's no big deal, or that I should use it to my benefit, but I argue that even if I do that, it doesn't change the fact that she's not into sex with me, and even if she were, is she not thinking about another man?

I know this sounds incredibly beta, and maybe it is. It's just something that's really been bothering me.

 

[Maniac Magee]

Not been married (knock on wood ) , so take what i say in that vein.

If you stopped "dating" her though for whatever reason, start over. Give her a reason to get dressed up sexy, and focus on being lovers rather than just parents.

I personally believe upping your game needs to involve other women. A little dread and jealousy adds spice. Just flirting and banter perhaps in your case, but it's just good energy to have none the less. Will force you into being objective about attraction again.

Don't know what you have established in the bedroom, but she obviously craves dominance. Doesn't need to be ott s+m, maybe some trash talk and aggression.

It's a different challenge. Good luck to you, Sir.

Thanks for the response. The thing is, she "claims" she's not into that type of stuff at all. My thinking is it's a lie. After all, don't listen to what they say, watch what they do.

 

[Fireballs]

Thanks for the response. The thing is, she "claims" she's not into that type of stuff at all. My thinking is it's a lie. After all, don't listen to what they say, watch what they do.

Read Sex God Method .. There's a pretty good summary of it here:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/how-to-become-amazing-in-bed-moved-to-ae-per-site-rules.162412/

Don't believe what she says about not being into that stuff until you have tried it with her and seen her reactions.

 

[Spaz]

Not been married (knock on wood ) , so take what i say in that vein.

If you stopped "dating" her though for whatever reason, start over. Give her a reason to get dressed up sexy, and focus on being lovers rather than just parents.

I personally believe upping your game needs to involve other women. A little dread and jealousy adds spice. Just flirting and banter perhaps in your case, but it's just good energy to have none the less. Will force you into being objective about attraction again.

Don't know what you have established in the bedroom, but she obviously craves dominance. Doesn't need to be ott s+m, maybe some trash talk and aggression.

It's a different challenge. Good luck to you, Sir.

@deesade has said it all.

 

[wifehunter]

SPACE

Let off the gas a bit. Let her chase you.

You can't start a fire with fuel and spark alone....you need oxygen too.

 

[BeExcellent]

I concur with @deesade entirely. She devoured those books and the movies because they turn her on. For the robust sex life to come back YOU have to become (or re-become) what turns her on. I was married for 15 years and always enjoyed a great married sex life. Some of the reasons things stayed hot were the following:

1. I kept myself in great (thin & fit) shape, despite having 3 children.

Is she still keeping in shape? Are you? This massively effects desire and self esteem. If she has gotten out of shape she may not feel desirable. That's a problem. If you have developed a beer gut or gained 50 pounds she may not find you desirable. That too is a problem. Be extremely honest with yourself about your physical shape. If you are in shape but she isn't? That is more delicate but can have a deep affect on how she feels sexually. These are things you have to look at, consider, and work together to resolve. Go together to work out...make healthier eating choices etc., if this is part of the issue. Fat and happy is rarely sexy.

2. My ex husband and I were open about deep desires and fantasies with one another.

This type of intimacy and trust sustains sexual desire. You don't have to ACT on the fantasies (depends on what they are and what each of you is comfortable with) but just the ability to share them has erotic value in the relationship. Consider whether or not you have this sort of intimacy. Her interest in those books suggests fantasies that she isn't sharing with you.

3. Carve out time to be intimate no matter what and not just in bed. You are lovers first, spouses second, parents third.

Go on dates together, do some things together that have an emotional trigger (escape room, sky diving, indoor sky diving, dancing -if you are a good dancer-, etc.). Take her to see the latest 50 shades movie WITH YOU for example. Doing that anchors her emotionally to you for sharing that experience. Go on walks together without the children. Be sure you guys are each other's top priority as far as the hierachy of marriage/kids/work etc. Marriages start to die when the marital relationship takes a back seat to the parental relationship for example. Do not allow that to happen. Be defined as lovers first and foremost.

4. Address issues surrounding respect. Lack of respect for my spouse is what eventually led to our divorce.

Do not allow respect issues to become the elephant in the room. Have a discussion (on one of the walks you are going to take together) about your career and what effect (if any) your change in career or career status might have on the relationship. You should also discuss parenthood and its effects on the relationship in the same way. These issues can be insidious and if you don't face them head on it can be very destructive in a sneak attack sort of way.

Couple of ideas:

Find a burlesque show. Take your wife. Surprise her & ask her to wear heels, a sexy dress and stockings.

Ask her to read a passage to you from 50 Shades of Gray...in bed...while you sit behind her and touch her & kiss her...

 

[Bible_Belt]

50 Shades is a romance novel, which women have been using as porn for decades. I hear the books are good, but the movies are terrible.

Nothing is good about the OP's post in regard to their sexual dynamic. It's not that she might be into kinky stuff, it's that she is convinced you would never be. The disconnect is the problem. She feels like you are going to judge and shame her out of your own insecurities, and honestly that looks like what is going on. She thinks you are a prude, and that kills attraction.

Dom/Sub is a mental dynamic, much larger than sex. The dom side does what they want, when and how they want it. And the sub side enjoys not having to make any decisions. So it's not what you do, so much as it is how you think.

 

[R.U.G.]

You need to dominate your *****. Let me rephrase. You want a woman outside the bedroom, and a ***** in between the sheets. You want to have hot amazing animal sex with her. The female above was right. You and your wife first, then everything else. When that fails, the marriage will soon follow. Can the rug rats stay with a family member for a weekend? If so, take her to a really nice weekend vacation. You need to recreate the sexual tension between you... Right now, there isn't. Do you know what she likes? Women usually get tired of missionary and cowgirl. Try just going behind her and start kissing her neck, shoulders, down her spine, switch over and kiss (and lick) between her thighs (skip the vag for now), back up to her stomach, chest, front shoulders, neck face, lips, and repeat front to back. While you are kissing her, start playing with the vag and caressing her boobs. When you go in for oral, start and stop, start and stop. I.E. build tension. Have some ice cubes, and a feather around as well. Use the ice cubes around her aureolas, down through her stomach, and the circumference of her labia. You can do the same with the feather; though the ice is better. Wax would really be good, but if you do not know what you're doing, you can burn her. Lastly, gt a blindfold. The blindfold will enhance her inhibitions and really spice things up.

Point being, you are boring in bed. Happens to everyone when you're with the same woman for a long time. Do the opposite of everything you've done. If you do not smack her ass, smack it. You need to have mind blowing sex..

 

[Maniac Magee]

I know I sound like an AFC, but the thing is, I've tried a lot of the things mentioned above (if not exact, similar). As far as looks go, I'm in waaaay better shape now than when our sex life was it its peak.

I know age and having kids changes things to a degree, but I was just caught off guard by all of that when I first learned about it.

I fell into the trap of getting butthurt, and I'm sure that didn't do me any favors. Anyway, I've been working on a consistent frame. That doesn't change the fact that I'll never see things how I used to, which is both liberating and depressing at the same time.

 

[Von]

I know I sound like an AFC, but the thing is, I've tried a lot of the things mentioned above (if not exact, similar). As far as looks go, I'm in waaaay better shape now than when our sex life was it its peak.

I know age and having kids changes things to a degree, but I was just caught off guard by all of that when I first learned about it.

I fell into the trap of getting butthurt, and I'm sure that didn't do me any favors. Anyway, I've been working on a consistent frame. That doesn't change the fact that I'll never see things how I used to, which is both liberating and depressing at the same time.

Are you afraid of here being butthurt?
Do you act with her feelings in mind?

You have to own your actions.. . She read the books so she crave it.

Be gentle but firm

 

[Dash Riprock]

Why the f*uck did you get married? I'm actually curious from a logical perspective about what sort of benefits you feel it gave you? Kids? What?

 

[highSpeed]

There is honestly not much to be done in this situation. Take it from someone who is in their second sexless marriage. Women kick back once they've got you in a relationship. I'm in shape, make good money, take good care of her, there's always a reason though, not to have sex. It wasn't much different in my first marriage. It's simply the way it is. Sex is a tool, a tool to get the man to commit. Once you've committed, you've given away the carrot you have to keep her giving out good sex in a good amount of quantity.

You become an emotional tampon and she gives not much in return. I say this as someone who would love to love the idea of love, of the disney crap, of someone out there that fits me perfectly. What I've come to realize over the years in reality? There are many someones out there who could fit me perfectly and if you're any kind of man who values sex, it doesn't matter how well she fits you, you're not going to be truly satisfied in a long term, committed relationship unless she's putting out good and regular.

Sex is a very important aspect of an adult relationship for a man and if the woman isn't putting out, shame on her but c'mon, she knows what she's doing. She isn't oblivious to this fact, she knows you want it she simply doesn't care about your needs. I almost hate to say it because I'm in good company with you, you probably appeared to be a good stable provider, that's the part she wanted. Now that she's got it, sex and you are two words that don't go together.

 

[Dash Riprock]

There is honestly not much to be done in this situation. Take it from someone who is in their second sexless marriage. Women kick back once they've got you in a relationship. I'm in shape, make good money, take good care of her, there's always a reason though, not to have sex. It wasn't much different in my first marriage. It's simply the way it is. Sex is a tool, a tool to get the man to commit. Once you've committed, you've given away the carrot you have to keep her giving out good sex in a good amount of quantity.

You become an emotional tampon and she gives not much in return. I say this as someone who would love to love the idea of love, of the disney crap, of someone out there that fits me perfectly. What I've come to realize over the years in reality? There are many someones out there who could fit me perfectly and if you're any kind of man who values sex, it doesn't matter how well she fits you, you're not going to be truly satisfied in a long term, committed relationship unless she's putting out good and regular.

Sex is a very important aspect of an adult relationship for a man and if the woman isn't putting out, shame on her but c'mon, she knows what she's doing. She isn't oblivious to this fact, she knows you want it she simply doesn't care about your needs. I almost hate to say it because I'm in good company with you, you probably appeared to be a good stable provider, that's the part she wanted. Now that she's got it, sex and you are two words that don't go together.

SeekingArrangements.com

 

[ubercat]

I don't have the answers because it's a long time since I was married and my wife always went along with sex. But I think we can still work from the normal principles of woman. Really you're going to have to approach her for sex when there's some kind of emotional spike that' could be surprise aka a sneak attack it could be endorphins from doing something physical and fun it could be closeness it can' even be anger.

And look I'm not a psycho I am in no way advocating rape. But it seems like your lady would like a bit of rough. Pushing her up against the wall holding her arms above her head, spanking, bondage doing it outdoors in semi public places taking a dirty photo shoot using mirrors so she can see what your doing to her, etc. Unfortunately with most chicks if you start treating them like a queen in the bedroom they start behaving like one. Alternate between tenderness and treating her like a dirty w**** in the bedroom.

If you haven't tried all that well then you haven't really tried. Give it a go report back.

 

[highSpeed]

I don't have the answers because it's a long time since I was married and my wife always went along with sex. But I think we can still work from the normal principles of woman. Really you're going to have to approach her for sex when there's some kind of emotional spike that' could be surprise aka a sneak attack it could be endorphins from doing something physical and fun it could be closeness it can' even be anger.

And look I'm not a psycho I am in no way advocating rape. But it seems like your lady would like a bit of rough. Pushing her up against the wall holding her arms above her head, spanking, bondage doing it outdoors in semi public places taking a dirty photo shoot using mirrors so she can see what your doing to her, etc. Unfortunately with most chicks if you start treating them like a queen in the bedroom they start behaving like one. Alternate between tenderness and treating her like a dirty w**** in the bedroom.

If you haven't tried all that well then you haven't really tried. Give it a go report back.

I know this has been talked about on this forum for a long time, but honestly, I've got better things to do than always be the person in control. It's exhausting thinking of always having to lead her around by the nose. So he what, works all day, busts his behind to make a good living and now he has to come home and try and game his wife into bed? I want a woman that's ready and willing to go at a moment's notice, not someone I have to game into being into me. That's too much work and while I agree, it won't be this way all the time but for a good portion of the relationship's duration, it has to be this way most of the time. I read these articles about studies about men and women's relationships, relationship articles, society material in general and it's always about what the guy in the relationship has to do. He has to take the kids more, he has to do more around the house, he has to make more money, he has to be in shape, he has to be good in bed.

Funny how I don't read much about what she has to do. Seems like all is required of the woman in modern day relationships is to bring the vagina. What a sweet gig. Get taken care of. Be pampered and give a bag of crap in return. Don't like how he talks to you? Freeze him out. Don't like his job? Belittle him until he gets something better. Honestly, my suggestion, if you're not financially in a bind to her, throw down an ultimatum and be ready to act on it if she doesn't respond. If you are financially in a bind, work on getting out and then throw down the ultimatum.

 

[Maniac Magee]

Why the f*uck did you get married? I'm actually curious from a logical perspective about what sort of benefits you feel it gave you? Kids? What?

Let's just say I wasn't exactly RP aware. Any likeness I portrayed was just natural behavior.

I also wanted to have kids, too. So yeah, that's why.

 

[capt6729]

I know this has been talked about on this forum for a long time, but honestly, I've got better things to do than always be the person in control. It's exhausting thinking of always having to lead her around by the nose. So he what, works all day, busts his behind to make a good living and now he has to come home and try and game his wife into bed? I want a woman that's ready and willing to go at a moment's notice, not someone I have to game into being into me. That's too much work and while I agree, it won't be this way all the time but for a good portion of the relationship's duration, it has to be this way most of the time. I read these articles about studies about men and women's relationships, relationship articles, society material in general and it's always about what the guy in the relationship has to do. He has to take the kids more, he has to do more around the house, he has to make more money, he has to be in shape, he has to be good in bed.

Funny how I don't read much about what she has to do. Seems like all is required of the woman in modern day relationships is to bring the vagina. What a sweet gig. Get taken care of. Be pampered and give a bag of crap in return. Don't like how he talks to you? Freeze him out. Don't like his job? Belittle him until he gets something better. Honestly, my suggestion, if you're not financially in a bind to her, throw down an ultimatum and be ready to act on it if she doesn't respond. If you are financially in a bind, work on getting out and then throw down the ultimatum.

This is why a marriage is such a dumb, DUMB thing for a man to do. Take it from a married (18+ years) man.

You can practice LTR, monogamy, and co-habitation without putting yourself in a box.

Work hard to have a mediocre marital sex? Or work way LESS and have a hot sex with a fresh pretty young girl?

Hmmmm. Tough choice.

 

[highSpeed]

This is why a marriage is such a dumb, DUMB thing for a man to do. Take it from a married (18+ years) man.

You can practice LTR, monogamy, and co-habitation without putting yourself in a box.

Work hard to have a mediocre marital sex? Or work way LESS and have a hot sex with a fresh pretty young girl?

Hmmmm. Tough choice.

right there with you my friend. tied at the hip through kids and finances, so I'm over a barrel. In the states, the laws are very draconian towards the man, especially if he is the breadwinner. Word hard, have a good career and take care of your family? You're going to get trained if things don't work out for whatever reason. Her? She's going to be alright. Get half of your income, get a side job of her own if she wants and she might very well come out of it making more money than you do. You are on the outside looking in with your kids and less half of your stuff. I'd have honestly either thrown down the ultimatum or walked out if not for the finances and the kids but I'm going to get raked over the coals if things don't work out and she knows it. She's got a license to behave badly, knows it and isn't afraid to use it. Me?

Marriage, unless under very specific and narrow circumstances, isn't worth it, period. With the kind of income I make, shape I stay in? I'd be cleaning up as a single guy right now.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

TS, if you were to diverge into the ****er of fifty shades, diaries of a morbidly obese woman with the writing abilities of a third grader; you come to see what a ****ing joke women are in the west. The fascination with abuse, with demonizing masculinity, with #MeToo, with female victimhood on steroids all the while, wanting to be put back in the ****ing kitchen making sandwiches and chained to the bed post railed rotten.

#MeToo and fifty shades do not coincide unless you want to acknowledge the reality that, women are walking **** tests and contradictions.

If you are ALPHA AS ****, you give zero ****s about a woman's hashtags or her ambitions and motivations if she is not on top form SMV; thin, young, attractive.

If you emulate the behavior in the books or the movie but, you are not rich, attractive, and fit, expect the dogs of the state to be unleashed upon you. If a woman in the west doesn't get the ring, she goes to the state, cries foul, and your life is ruined.


Essentially, you almost need to have a written contract, document all encounters with women (texts, emails, nudes, vids, etc) and if she ever attempts to cry wolf, YOU RAISE ****ING HELL!


For men reading this, its the reason why you refrain from marriage, and spin plates.

 

[DEEZEDBRAH]

right there with you my friend. tied at the hip through kids and finances, so I'm over a barrel. In the states, the laws are very draconian towards the man, especially if he is the breadwinner. Word hard, have a good career and take care of your family? You're going to get trained if things don't work out for whatever reason. Her? She's going to be alright. Get half of your income, get a side job of her own if she wants and she might very well come out of it making more money than you do. You are on the outside looking in with your kids and less half of your stuff. I'd have honestly either thrown down the ultimatum or walked out if not for the finances and the kids but I'm going to get raked over the coals if things don't work out and she knows it. She's got a license to behave badly, knows it and isn't afraid to use it. Me?

Marriage, unless under very specific and narrow circumstances, isn't worth it, period. With the kind of income I make, shape I stay in? I'd be cleaning up as a single guy right now.

This just emphasizes more and more of what I already know. I rather go out on my ****ing shield then kicking and screaming dragged through the streets via the dogs of the state following a divorce allocated resources to a woman who brags about cucking her husband.

How men continue to line up for this ****ery is beyond me.

I simply do not date women with low sex drive. If she is fat, she has over stayed her welcome. No live in gf. I don't date women with kids. I don't commit to women who only have guy friends or are in contact with their ex.

Boundaries go a long way. The problem with marriage is that, you are as you said, over a barrel and unable to set these sorts of standards no matter how gross, toxic or disgusting a woman has become.