Help me get over my extreme negativity/defeatism with women

[bigdave17]

Anytime I go out to bars/clubs or I go to the gym/mall and see a cute girl my age, I automatically assume that she will want absolutely nothing to do with me UNLESS she approaches me first or gives me unmistakable signs of interest that lets me know she wants me. After that point, I feel very comfortable and become my normal charismatic self


If I don't get overwhelming signs of interest (which only happens from 33-36+ women and ugly fat pigs), I can't get myself to approach attractive women at bars/gyms without an extremely negative and defeated mindset. I automatically feel like they will not want to go out with me because I'm not insanely, impossibly perfect. In my head, any attractive 26 year old girl only wants a guy who is impossibly unbelievably perfect

I thought that success in other areas of my life would fix this problem because I've had it since I was 16 and no matter what the hell I do, I can't get over my extreme anxiety/defeatism with women. I've obsessively improved my looks, fashion sense, body, social skills, income level and lifestyle to unbelievable levels and I still can't make myself feel like I deserve a cute and quality 25 year old girl because I don't feel like I'm impossibly perfect.


pic of how I look when I go out to bars/clubs

 

[Murk]

yawn

 

[Catfish]

In my head, any attractive 26 year old girl only wants a guy who is impossibly unbelievably perfect

And why don't you just go out to the beach (park, whatever) and take a look yourself at what kind of loser boyfriends many hot 26yr old bombshells have? It unfolds right before your eyes every day, you just have to focus!

 

[Trainwreck]

You might just be straight out ***** op. I’m kind of in the same boat op. I literally have zero confidence because I was in a frat at a sec college and the women around me were racist af. No, “race doesn’t matter” pep talk is never going to make up for that bs I had to deal with in college and the bs I have to deal with now, but oh well. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m hideous.

 

[bigdave17]

And why don't you just go out to the beach (park, whatever) and take a look yourself at what kind of loser boyfriends many hot 26yr old bombshells have? It unfolds right before your eyes every day, you just have to focus!

I listened to this notion that's pounded in our heads constantly that women will only date you if you are a 6'3 white male model billionaire and believed it so hard that now I'm struggling to unwind it


I pushed myself obsessively hard to become extremely successful at all facets of life, accomplished it and still struggle to convince myself that I'm good enough

 

[sosousage]

I listened to this notion that's pounded in our heads constantly that women will only date you if you are a 6'3 white male model billionaire and believed it so hard that now I'm struggling to unwind it


I pushed myself obsessively hard to become extremely successful at all facets of life, accomplished it and still struggle to convince myself that I'm good enough

send me your pics on pm and I will tell you whats wrong

 

[bigdave17]

send me your pics on pm and I will tell you whats wrong

 

[Catfish]

Nice body, nice style, masculine jaw line, awesome symmetric face - there is nothing wrong with you. You could get some kickass belt and put the skirt in your pants or get a tight polo in a flashy color ... but that's just optional.
Don't forget to smile and get rid of that mindset and I guarantee you can take girls home easily.

You look like Vin Diesel! Seriously, try smiling and just say hi - it will be a no brainer!

 

[bigdave17]

Nice body, nice style, masculine jaw line, there is nothing wrong with you. You could get some kickass belt and put the skirt in your pants or get a tight polo in a flashy color ... but that's just optional.
Don't forget to smile and get rid of that mindset and I guarantee you can take girls home easily.

That picture does my jawline zero justice there. I have a very VERY masculine/squared off face with just enough pretty boy features (the eyes/lips)

I wear a nice belt but that kind of shirt needs to be worn over the top of the jeans. Tucked in would look really silly.

I smile all the time...actually have a great smile with perfect white teeth

 

[sosousage]

what about haircut?
clothes and muscles look very well

 

[bigdave17]

what about haircut?
clothes and muscles look very well

jet black wavy hair, blowdried and styled perfectly


I get compliments on all facets of how I look

 

[bigdave17]

Hey there bigdave,

I'm afraid it's all about the mindset - you look good man. Nothing to worry about in that area.

Best,
mark

lol you guys thought I was lying when I told you my traits?

 

[Murk]

Yes you look good, but not as good as you think, and you look quite short maybe that's an issue?

 

[sosousage]

Yes you look good, but not as good as you think, and you look quite short maybe that's an issue?

i think young girls might not like his face or maybe his haircut doesnt fit his face

 

[derby1]

it has nothing to do with his looks or his clothes!

OP you are insecure and hide this behind a "Vein" facade,

OP women have radars for this Sht!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wear a 5 pound T shirt and the women love it they dont G.A.F

bigdave it is clear you are not practicing anything you should be out now chatting to the cashier behind the till at a shop, even if shes a frumpy 60 year old make her feel good, quick 2 minute convo in out, this makes you also feel good and your confidence will grow ready for the 9s

 

[corrector]

Try wearing gold chains, a ring with a skull on it, a tattoo on the neck, or something that would make you look like a dangerous mf-er that you wouldn't want to mess with. Have you beaten anyone up before in a fight or gone up to a girl that is with someone else and started talking to her and not caring if you get into a fight because you know you would totally beat him up? You just have to develop more presence with that look. It's like you can just be a few degrees off and it could make all the difference in the world.

 

[AJ84]

Anytime I go out to bars/clubs or I go to the gym/mall and see a cute girl my age, I automatically assume that she will want absolutely nothing to do with me UNLESS she approaches me first or gives me unmistakable signs of interest that lets me know she wants me. After that point, I feel very comfortable and become my normal charismatic self


If I don't get overwhelming signs of interest (which only happens from 33-36+ women and ugly fat pigs), I can't get myself to approach attractive women at bars/gyms without an extremely negative and defeated mindset. I automatically feel like they will not want to go out with me because I'm not insanely, impossibly perfect. In my head, any attractive 26 year old girl only wants a guy who is impossibly unbelievably perfect

I thought that success in other areas of my life would fix this problem because I've had it since I was 16 and no matter what the hell I do, I can't get over my extreme anxiety/defeatism with women. I've obsessively improved my looks, fashion sense, body, social skills, income level and lifestyle to unbelievable levels and I still can't make myself feel like I deserve a cute and quality 25 year old girl because I don't feel like I'm impossibly perfect.


pic of how I look when I go out to bars/clubs

You look good. I think, honestly, your biggest competition is the person you see in the mirror because your main obstacle is you.

Start improving your mindset, because if you don't, it won't matter how good you look, you won't see it and will continue to feel you need to look better.

Also consider some meet up groups based on your interests, just to mingle with no agenda, in addition to the dating stuff. I think it may help to mix it up a bit so you are just chatting with women based on some common interests (meet up groups) and not with the pressure and anxiety of approaching to date. I'm not implying that you can't talk to women and need practice, I just think that you need to mix in platonic interactions to give yourself a bit of a break and start seeing women in a less linear way.

 

[bigdave17]

Yes you look good, but not as good as you think, and you look quite short maybe that's an issue?

im 5'10 bro

 

[bigdave17]

This is going to be my last post to you, at least until you start to report some progress. So here it is:

Although a lot of guys can improve their game with women by undergoing all sorts of improvement in their looks, finances, status, etc., I don't think advice like this really applies to you anymore.

It should be self-evident that if there were a justifiable connection between your looks/money/status and your success with women, that you should gradually see an increase in your success with women as you continuously improve. If you're not seeing that, then this is not your problem. There is no reasonable connection between your success as a person and your success with women. That means it is time to make a clear break, a total disconnect, between these two things.

Your mindset is your only problem now, and it's a fvcking mess. It's the one thing you're grossly neglecting.

You need to reset yourself.

First, you need to blow up the idea that hotties want perfection. This is poisoning your mind and killing your game.

There are too many hot women and too few men who can meet such perfect standards. If women really stuck to their guns with these perfect standards of theirs, they would be the loneliest women on the planet. They would never have sex. They would never know what a relationship is. They would have no fvcking clue what love is all about. They would rarely allow a man far enough to even wine and dine them. They would be so busy rejecting men left and right who don't measure up that they would have absolutely no quality of life as they wait for Mr. Perfect to come along.

Women fold on this bullsh*t at some point. They have to if they don't want to live the life of a lonely cat lady.

Now, that doesn't mean they aren't going to continue trying to find Mr. Perfect. They will still maintain hope and set those standards very high. But you have to smash through that BS. Truth is, if a woman senses you have a few quality traits that show promise, they will bite.

You do not have to be Mr. Perfect. Stop thinking that way. Stop rejecting yourself before they can reject you.

Second, whether it turns into a one night stand, or a 50 year marriage, it all essentially starts the same: a phone number, maybe a few drinks and a good time. It is extremely simple. You are putting a tremendous amount of pressure on yourself, which feeds this anxiety and defeatist behavior, because you're complicating the sh*t out of every first meeting with extremely narrow standards that YOU are setting.

She must be this age, that ethnicity, have this skin quality, have that temperament, be family ready, etc., etc....AND....she has to explicitly send you unmistakable signals that she wants you to approach her. The girl has to be perfect. The circumstances have to be perfect.....

You are becoming the lonely cat lady who stuck to her guns.

You are either rejecting them because they don't meet your standards, or you are rejecting yourself because you don't think you are perfect enough.

You are sabotaging any possibility for success. Stop this.

what's screwed up is even having the belief that hotties want perfection shouldn't stop me from being successful. I am pretty damn close to perfect on paper!

Think about it - 29, no kids, college educated, good looking and buff, making close to 200K, I have no real significant flaws in anything.

great post otherwise

 

[synergy1]

I probably shouldn't be giving advice in this area given I am in a similar situation in regards to women. But a few observations in general:

- You have a good job and you seem to be normal looking enough so that your appearance likely isnt a problem at all. The fact you have a good paying job means you have a lot going for you, so thats certainly not an issue either. Basically the stuff thats outside of your control ( being really short) is already taken care of. You also seemed to put in the effort to position yourself well, which regardless of women is a great thing. Nice work!

- Despite what women say they want, its entirely different story when you look at what they actually want. They like the alpha male type who has a lot of options. Having no options is a catch 22 - the fewer options you have, the more women can tell making it harder in this area.

- Women seem to like guys who are bold, and can make them have a fun time. Women attraction points are mostly mental which is why an ugly-ish guy with some "game" can do okay for themselves. I personally had my best luck when I was sociable, funny, and enjoyed life.

- Social proof can be important depending where you live. If your high in demand, women seem to pick up on this and you barely have to do anything. I would say that being popular is more important than looks, and salary if said salary isn't a large amount.

I'll give you the same advice I am giving myself and that is to be social. Don't force it, just be an amusing person to be around. If a women is luke warm/cold, just cut your losses and go for it when you feel something is there.