Projection or am I at fault

[Fruitbat]

Just to preface this, this is purely an argument with the GF so nothing revolutionary here, just want a 2nd opinion:

The GF bestie friend stayed last night, she is leaving so semi-celebration. My GF cannot handle alcohol. We have a drink. GF friend is fine but my GF rapidly turns into a howling mess as usual, literally crying, grabbing me. It was seriously embarrassing. Had to put her to bed.

Her friend was v upset about this so I said -right, WE are having a leaving party so me and her friend drink the night away. We talk about a lot of stuff, including my GF and a range of stuff.

I talk highly of my GF but I mentioned her ex (she was fresh from a heartbreaking episode when I met her), well, he wasn't an ex, more aDJ whostrung her for a bit. We were on the general topic of heartbreak so thats how it came up.

SO, my GF was eavesdropping our enitre conversation all night from the next room. I knew the door was open, I didn't care. Last night she blanked me and went crazy (still drunk). This AM she is still mad as hell because "I talk about personal stuff".

She was the one who basically ruined a night by acting appallingly yet I am in the doghouse.

Tell me, I am not mad. Your partners ex coming up with a friend of hers for about 2 mins is not a gravous betrayal is it!? I'm pretty sure she feels like shyt about her own behaviour and is deflecting. I've made the point I can't know what she's told others and what she wants to keep secret, but she's basically said not to discuss her at all! Well, most of it was misty eyed reverence of her and us both saying how great she is. Her friend also told me some stuff I didn't know about her childhood and we both said how she was such a good soul etc.

I don't know her friend too well so she is known to us both and therefore likely we will talk about her.

Everything I said about her to her friend was kind and positive so Im a bit pissed I'm now the bad guy.

 

[ubercat]

Hmm idk bro. It's a bit of a buffet of blame here. She had a meltdown no bueno. So of course she's going to be looking for someone to blame for that. Talking about somebody s ex never goes anywhere good. The other problem is because you stayed up drinking all night and she doesn't like that there's another stick to beat you with.

 

[Fruitbat]

Hmm idk bro. It's a bit of a buffet of blame here. She had a meltdown no bueno. So of course she's going to be looking for someone to blame for that. Talking about somebody s ex never goes anywhere good. The other problem is because you stayed up drinking all night and she doesn't like that there's another stick to beat you with.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't have brought it up but her mate has an unrequited love she was tearful about. I just said it happened to me, it happens to everyone and said look, when I met your mate she was cut up over "guys name" and now we are happy, it can change quickly. I had no idea she didn't know and it is pretty hard to second guess that in advance.

It went no further than that, from talking now I sense it was a very close and emotional chat with her mate she didn't like....but to be fair, she was ripping my jumper off and actually whacked me a couple times when drunk.....no provocation, so I am pretty sure this is abit of a smokescreen.

What I don'tget is if Igot drunk and acted as she had, I'd apologise.

Is it my terrible game but I have always found women never do this, they never say "I was out of line".

 

[ubercat]

That's when a bit of martial arts comes in handy. Anytime a girl gets fisty with me I just spin her round wrap her up and give her a big smooch on the neck.

But yeah I think you're spot on your basically being accused of emotional unfaithfulness

I d brush it off like any other s*** test. All chicks love a bit of drama this is well within the normal range.

 

[Fruitbat]

That's when a bit of martial arts comes in handy. Anytime a girl gets fisty with me I just spin her round wrap her up and give her a big smooch on the neck.

But yeah I think you're spot on your basically being accused of emotional unfaithfulness

I d brush it off like any other s*** test. All chicks love a bit of drama this is well within the normal range.

Yeah, I initiated a truce so handed my balls basically but I didn't admit fault.

I was pinningher to the bed yesterday....she is incredibly bad when drunk.

 

[AJ84]

Yeah, I probably wouldn't have brought it up but her mate has an unrequited love she was tearful about. I just said it happened to me, it happens to everyone and said look, when I met your mate she was cut up over "guys name" and now we are happy, it can change quickly. I had no idea she didn't know and it is pretty hard to second guess that in advance.

It went no further than that, from talking now I sense it was a very close and emotional chat with her mate she didn't like....but to be fair, she was ripping my jumper off and actually whacked me a couple times when drunk.....no provocation, so I am pretty sure this is abit of a smokescreen.

What I don'tget is if Igot drunk and acted as she had, I'd apologise.

Is it my terrible game but I have always found women never do this, they never say "I was out of line".

I think you're right, it was the close and emotional chat you had with her friend, but I don't think you did anything wrong. Some women are threatened by stuff like that, making an emotional connection with another girl.

Again, although you were not in the wrong to do that, be mindful of it in the future if you know it will set her off. It's not worth dealing with crap. There are bigger things to address, like how she acts when she's drinking. That's not good and will be an issue that can get bigger. Don't know how you guys communicate stuff but she needs to know that her drunken behaviour is embarrassing, to both of you and makes you feel uncomfortable and her look bad. This is where you could tell her how that behaviour makes you feel emotionally, use phrases like, "when you act like that, it makes you look ...... And makes me feel .....". Just focusing on the behaviour and its effect.

 

[derby1]

What I don'tget is if Igot drunk and acted as she had, I'd apologise.

Women of our generation dont apologise mate for nothing.......why you ask??

They have 100 men at the end of the phone confirming you are the incredible hulk and being her emotional tampon

I grabbed my ex's arm the once quite forcefully, as she was about to drive!! She took pics of her bruised arm and showed the world!! She did not tell the world the reason was because she had knocked down 4 bottles of Black tower and was about to drive

 

[The Duke]

Pretty typical behavior from the modern female. I've been busted for this a few times. Just ignore.

I will bet you a million dollars she does the exact same thing she accused you of!

 

[Fruitbat]

I think you're right, it was the close and emotional chat you had with her friend, but I don't think you did anything wrong. Some women are threatened by stuff like that, making an emotional connection with another girl.

Again, although you were not in the wrong to do that, be mindful of it in the future if you know it will set her off. It's not worth dealing with crap. There are bigger things to address, like how she acts when she's drinking. That's not good and will be an issue that can get bigger. Don't know how you guys communicate stuff but she needs to know that her drunken behaviour is embarrassing, to both of you and makes you feel uncomfortable and her look bad. This is where you could tell her how that behaviour makes you feel emotionally, use phrases like, "when you act like that, it makes you look ...... And makes me feel .....". Just focusing on the behaviour and its effect.

Wise words. Issue is, I drink heavily and also act a fool and I've been told off by her numerous times.

She rarely drinks and it's usually on my encouragement but JESUS"! Howling, crying, literally acting like a toddler!! The last time she told me she was pregnant while I was with my friends. She has no crazy AT ALL sober but goes insane drunk.

You see, I forgive because I lost a LOT of friends due to stuff I've done drunk so I forgive her this and she also doesn't ever want to drink, so it's not like she will do it on the regular.

I made a couple comments today about how I forgive even the most terrible things ;-)

To be honest, I would be pissed off on her being a bit too friendly with my friends....depending on the friend.

 

[Fruitbat]

To conclude, her friend asked me if I have been in love and I said I didn't believe in love and think it's whathappens when people pair bond over years.

English is not her 1st language so she took this to mean I didn't love her, and this was the real reason!

Women!

 

[Fruitbat]

Women of our generation dont apologise mate for nothing.......why you ask??

They have 100 men at the end of the phone confirming you are the incredible hulk and being her emotional tampon

I grabbed my ex's arm the once quite forcefully, as she was about to drive!! She took pics of her bruised arm and showed the world!! She did not tell the world the reason was because she had knocked down 4 bottles of Black tower and was about to drive

Wow that is some *****. They ain't all like that, but I note categorically all women lie frequently. Even when it's easier to tell it straight.

 

[Fruitbat]

Your GF is psychotic

that makes two of us, you always have insight, flying purple banana.

 

[dude99]

Just to preface this, this is purely an argument with the GF so nothing revolutionary here, just want a 2nd opinion:

The GF bestie friend stayed last night, she is leaving so semi-celebration. My GF cannot handle alcohol. We have a drink. GF friend is fine but my GF rapidly turns into a howling mess as usual, literally crying, grabbing me. It was seriously embarrassing. Had to put her to bed.

Her friend was v upset about this so I said -right, WE are having a leaving party so me and her friend drink the night away. We talk about a lot of stuff, including my GF and a range of stuff.

I talk highly of my GF but I mentioned her ex (she was fresh from a heartbreaking episode when I met her), well, he wasn't an ex, more aDJ whostrung her for a bit. We were on the general topic of heartbreak so thats how it came up.

SO, my GF was eavesdropping our enitre conversation all night from the next room. I knew the door was open, I didn't care. Last night she blanked me and went crazy (still drunk). This AM she is still mad as hell because "I talk about personal stuff".

She was the one who basically ruined a night by acting appallingly yet I am in the doghouse.

Tell me, I am not mad. Your partners ex coming up with a friend of hers for about 2 mins is not a gravous betrayal is it!? I'm pretty sure she feels like shyt about her own behaviour and is deflecting. I've made the point I can't know what she's told others and what she wants to keep secret, but she's basically said not to discuss her at all! Well, most of it was misty eyed reverence of her and us both saying how great she is. Her friend also told me some stuff I didn't know about her childhood and we both said how she was such a good soul etc.

I don't know her friend too well so she is known to us both and therefore likely we will talk about her.

Everything I said about her to her friend was kind and positive so Im a bit pissed I'm now the bad guy.

She was drunk. Something about booze that just triggers the fight gene in people.

Do not have a discussion with her when she is drinking. If she cant behave or handle her booze then tell her to leave when she has been or plans to drink.

 

[The Duke]

On second thought, I would use sex against her! No DIHK for her. Hide her vibrator's too.

 

[ubercat]

Damnit I didn't want to be the one to say it. You're a drinker on the regular and she's a mean drunk. That's a dynamic you don't want to become established. You re a smart guy and obviously there's many ways to address that but that's root cause.

 

[AJ84]

Wise words. Issue is, I drink heavily and also act a fool and I've been told off by her numerous times.

She rarely drinks and it's usually on my encouragement but JESUS"! Howling, crying, literally acting like a toddler!! The last time she told me she was pregnant while I was with my friends. She has no crazy AT ALL sober but goes insane drunk.

You see, I forgive because I lost a LOT of friends due to stuff I've done drunk so I forgive her this and she also doesn't ever want to drink, so it's not like she will do it on the regular.

I made a couple comments today about how I forgive even the most terrible things ;-)

To be honest, I would be pissed off on her being a bit too friendly with my friends....depending on the friend.

You are leading by example. She sees you acting like that regularly so to her, maybe doing the same is not a big deal.

But it is a big deal if it bothers you, and you seem to have the insight into how that behaviour erodes relationships as you mentioned you have lost friends from your own behaviour.

She may be taking your lead here, so perhaps if you drink less and behave more appropriately she will do the same. Otherwise, if you don't mind my saying, it's a bit hypocritical to call her out on her drunken behaviour when you not only do the same when you are drunk, but encourage her to drink as well.

 

[JonnyD123]

There’s a scene in ‘The Hitman’s Bodyguard’ where Ryan Reynolds character tells his woman “he forgives her” and it blows up on him. Samuel L Jackson’s character laughs in his face telling him basically women don’t like to be forgiven because that insinuates that they did something wrong. Pretty spot on point. Women like to think they’re perfect little angels. In almost every situation it will be the man’s fault, even for having sex. Not to say you should be walked over like a doormat however.

 

[The Duke]

Many times the first thing a woman mentions when she is upset isn't what she is most upset about. Perhaps she is upset about how hypocritical it is for you to bust her balls when she is drunk, yet you have been guilty of much worse many times?

 

[Von]

Sounds like you have to stop drinking.

Some people wants to "hide personal stuff" .. Especially in conservative background... no one likes to be reminded of their failures...

The "ex" might have been a guy who played her... so she was cheated... this doesn't reflect good on her at all.

Remember your girl is Asian and from the boat... reputation/image is a major deal for them.

Also, she might have "traditional" partner tendencies... so it means she will expect herself to follow you in YOUR stuff.... So if you drink, she expect herself to DRINK WITH YOU and JUST AS. MUCH.

So when you and her friend outmatch her in drinking, adding you talked about something "bad" for your girlfriend, sharing to a "friend aka stranger" something personal (she could have said to her friend or whatever: you took her virginity to justify living together etc..)

Some countries and especially in the rural areas of the countries... some "traditional behaviour remains".

So you have to lower your alcohol intake, learn not to share " personnal stuff"(my ex was pissed at me for doing similar once: it involved putting on Facebook a picture of US.. When we started dating... it took 3 years before I existed on her Facebook... she didn't want her "home country family and friend" to start talking about us), learn that traditional countries are much intense and violent with gossiping than western girl.

Oh and she has a "hostess" ... it's pretty bad when the host crash down or leave his own party before the party end (that's universal)

 

[Fruitbat]

Many times the first thing a woman mentions when she is upset isn't what she is most upset about. Perhaps she is upset about how hypocritical it is for you to bust her balls when she is drunk, yet you have been guilty of much worse many times?

Where did you get "much worse" from? Is this the oft-seen issue on this forum where people get all fatherly and try to play every issue back on the poster?

perhaps you misread, but there are some utter tools on here who take pride in not actually reading post and get a hard-on for anything which can put OP at fault.