“I know my husbauld never do it again because I’m mean to him...”

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

I recall an older woman at work telling me this. She was saying that her husband would probably never get married if he could do it over again. She said that it was because she is very mean to him. The thing that kinda shocked me a little bit though is that she said that she still would because she loves her husband. So why be mean to someone if you love them? She’s an older lady in her 60s or 70s.

 

[marmel75]

Because he allows her to be. People tend to go as far as you let them.

 

[highSpeed]

Because he allows her to be. People tend to go as far as you let them.

not that simple my friend, not that simple. if my wife and I were not married, didn't have kids? sh*t, I'd put my foot down, behave like this or forget it. and if she didn't comply? right out she'd go. now tie my finances and my relationship with my kids to that same situation? now I'm much more willing to put up with a bunch of crap that I normally would never ever consider. money and kids, they change the game big time in their favor. hell yes she loves being married, she has a built in punching bag who takes all their crap, who wouldn't love that?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

not that simple my friend, not that simple. if my wife and I were not married, didn't have kids? sh*t, I'd put my foot down, behave like this or forget it. and if she didn't comply? right out she'd go. now tie my finances and my relationship with my kids to that same situation? now I'm much more willing to put up with a bunch of crap that I normally would never ever consider. money and kids, they change the game big time in their favor. hell yes she loves being married, she has a built in punching bag who takes all their crap, who wouldn't love that?

marmel75 is very narrow-minded so I take most of his words with a grain of salt. Yeah I see what you mean, SHE probably loves it. But he doesn't. That's the weird thing though, men will take care of something they love, and even if they dislike something or someone, they can still show respect and be magnanimous towards it/them. Women are the opposite it seems. I just realized this several days ago actually...

 

[marmel75]

not that simple my friend, not that simple. if my wife and I were not married, didn't have kids? sh*t, I'd put my foot down, behave like this or forget it. and if she didn't comply? right out she'd go. now tie my finances and my relationship with my kids to that same situation? now I'm much more willing to put up with a bunch of crap that I normally would never ever consider. money and kids, they change the game big time in their favor. hell yes she loves being married, she has a built in punching bag who takes all their crap, who wouldn't love that?

It is that simple. If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, you will be treated like a doormat. It has nothing to do with kids or no kids or throwing someone out or not.

This starts early in the relationship, once you allow yourself to be a doormat its hard to get that dynamic to change.

 

[Trump]

So why be mean to someone if you love them?

Why do countries invade other counties when they have no evidence of weapons of mass destruction?

Come on bro, what kind of question is that? You can love someone and be mean to them, just like to can be nice to someone and hate them. In fact, I'm guessing most women who have boyfriends actually don't really like them, they are with them for image and sex and free stuff.

You should be close to your enemies and be very careful of you me friends, they can backstab easier.

 

[highSpeed]

It is that simple. If you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, you will be treated like a doormat. It has nothing to do with kids or no kids or throwing someone out or not.

This starts early in the relationship, once you allow yourself to be a doormat its hard to get that dynamic to change.

it's not like that man, take it from me, I know. I pedastalized my wife early on but she reflected that back to me. Sex was great, she deferred but was time went on after we got married, that reflection stopped. So I was still expected to continue to give 100% to the relationship but she gave less and less. Now, she don't do sh*t for me and you know what, I stopped doing sh*t for her. It took me a few years to figure this out but once I did, it was a no brainer to stop. No more flowers. No more opening doors. No more back rubs. No more of the nice **** she had come to expect. You don't do sh*t for me, I don't do sh*t for you. But now I'm stuck in a sexless marriage where she has all of the benefit and I have all of the responsibility. If you had approached me with this situation before I met my wife and asked me if I wanted to do it. F*ck no!!!! But it's like a frog in a pot of cold water. Slowly turn it up until it's boiling, the frog will never move. Throw him into a boiling pot of water and he'll try to get out. Women do this sh*t in stages man. You think this guy started out there? I guarantee you he didn't. He probably had the perfect wife when they were dating and shortly thereafter but once he was in the spider's web? Nope, time to stop doing what got him there because she don't need to anymore.

 

[highSpeed]

marmel75 is very narrow-minded so I take most of his words with a grain of salt. Yeah I see what you mean, SHE probably loves it. But he doesn't. That's the weird thing though, men will take care of something they love, and even if they dislike something or someone, they can still show respect and be magnanimous towards it/them. Women are the opposite it seems. I just realized this several days ago actually...

It's more than that. I take care of my kids too. I don't think I could stomach them calling someone else daddy. I might actually have a full on melt down. Sure my wife would love that but I couldn't handle that. When it's just me? Yea, I'd kick her *ss out. But when it's me, my kids and my money? You have to be willing to swallow some crap. Now I know others on here will say that's not worth it but believe me, when you've spent 20+ years working towards a high end career, taking care of your kids, it's not that easy to walk away from all of that.

 

[marmel75]

it's not like that man, take it from me, I know. I pedastalized my wife early on but she reflected that back to me. Sex was great, she deferred but was time went on after we got married, that reflection stopped. So I was still expected to continue to give 100% to the relationship but she gave less and less. Now, she don't do sh*t for me and you know what, I stopped doing sh*t for her. It took me a few years to figure this out but once I did, it was a no brainer to stop. No more flowers. No more opening doors. No more back rubs. No more of the nice **** she had come to expect. You don't do sh*t for me, I don't do sh*t for you. But now I'm stuck in a sexless marriage where she has all of the benefit and I have all of the responsibility. If you had approached me with this situation before I met my wife and asked me if I wanted to do it. F*ck no!!!! But it's like a frog in a pot of cold water. Slowly turn it up until it's boiling, the frog will never move. Throw him into a boiling pot of water and he'll try to get out. Women do this sh*t in stages man. You think this guy started out there? I guarantee you he didn't. He probably had the perfect wife when they were dating and shortly thereafter but once he was in the spider's web? Nope, time to stop doing what got him there because she don't need to anymore.

You already said yourself what the problem was and actually reinforced exactly what I said.

You pedastalized her. Meaning by default you thought she had more value than you did. And that message was heard loud and clear by her whether you realized it or not.

When a person feels they are above someone, they tend to treat them worse than they do when they feel they are beneath them or are their equal. Why? Because they can and the other person allows it because they feel they are "lucky" to be with them. Just because it took a while to realize it makes no difference. It was set up by the start of your relationship.

Its exactly what I said. You dug your own hole at the beginning of your relationship and its really hard to get out of it once you are down there.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

You already said yourself what the problem was and actually reinforced exactly what I said.

You pedastalized her. Meaning by default you thought she had more value than you did. And that message was heard loud and clear by her whether you realized it or not.

When a person feels they are above someone, they tend to treat them worse than they do when they feel they are beneath them or are their equal. Why? Because they can and the other person allows it because they feel they are "lucky" to be with them. Just because it took a while to realize it makes no difference. It was set up by the start of your relationship.

Its exactly what I said. You dug your own hole at the beginning of your relationship and its really hard to get out of it once you are down there.

What can be done?

 

[marmel75]

What can be done?

Honestly not much. After a relationship has being going on for that long of a time everyone already has all their cards on the table.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Honestly not much. After a relationship has being going on for that long of a time everyone already has all their cards on the table.

What if you were in that position a d your only choice was to do something about it? Could you get it to flip?

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

Why do countries invade other counties when they have no evidence of weapons of mass destruction?

Come on bro, what kind of question is that? You can love someone and be mean to them, just like to can be nice to someone and hate them. In fact, I'm guessing most women who have boyfriends actually don't really like them, they are with them for image and sex and free stuff.

You should be close to your enemies and be very careful of you me friends, they can backstab easier.

That’s a horrible analogy. First off, HOW THE **** CAN YOU POSSIBLY BELIEVE WHAT THE GOVERNMENT TELLS US??? It’s called Operation Mockingbird. Yes, it is propaganda and the CIA admit to it, and still do. There much more behind the scenes and anyone who thinks for themselves understands that.

Secondly, just because you are physically able to doesn’t mean you do. There is a knife on the kitchen table right now. I see it. I can take it and slit my own throat. But I won’t. Why? Well that’s a stupid question, I don’t want to fvcking die lmao. In other words, there is a reason for it. Same goes for when you are nice to someone you hate. They have something you want, or can screw you over somehow. That’s the ONLY reason you are nice to them. No one is actually nice to someone they hate when they don’t hold power over them, that’s rediculous.

Well the thing I am wondering about is the REASON for being mean to someone you love. It would normally push them away. She even said how here husband doesn’t like her because she is mean. What the heck is that about? It’s a completely valid question.

It's more than that. I take care of my kids too. I don't think I could stomach them calling someone else daddy. I might actually have a full on melt down. Sure my wife would love that but I couldn't handle that. When it's just me? Yea, I'd kick her *ss out. But when it's me, my kids and my money? You have to be willing to swallow some crap. Now I know others on here will say that's not worth it but believe me, when you've spent 20+ years working towards a high end career, taking care of your kids, it's not that easy to walk away from all of that.

Eh, idc. I’ve eaten enough **** for about 4 lifetimes so I don’t feel like eating any more, even if it means throwing away my life for it. I will be sure to always get the last word.

 

[Speculator E]

Well the thing I am wondering about is the REASON for being mean to someone you love. It would normally push them away. She even said how here husband doesn’t like her because she is mean. What the heck is that about? It’s a completely valid question.

Eh, idc. I’ve eaten enough **** for about 4 lifetimes so I don’t feel like eating any more, even if it means throwing away my life for it. I will be sure to always get the last word.

You either haven't dated a BPD woman before or you don't have that much experience with women in general. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. The answer is pretty obvious and one poster already mentioned it. Women like to have a punching bag when they get angry.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

You either haven't dated a BPD woman before or you don't have that much experience with women in general. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking this question. The answer is pretty obvious and one poster already mentioned it. Women like to have a punching bag when they get angry.

Then you’re an idiot. It has nothing to do with being angry or not if she’s like that regardless.

 

[marmel75]

What if you were in that position a d your only choice was to do something about it? Could you get it to flip?

More than likely not. You could make her fear you but that would just lead to deep seated malice after a while...

She would probably end up leaving you and saying something like "I dont know who you are anymore"

 

[highSpeed]

More than likely not. You could make her fear you but that would just lead to deep seated malice after a while...

She would probably end up leaving you and saying something like "I dont know who you are anymore"

I think pedalstalizing is the wrong word, I wanted to treat her good so she knows how important I think she is and expected her to do the same thing. Didn't work out that way.

 

[BeExcellent]

More than likely not. You could make her fear you but that would just lead to deep seated malice after a while...

She would probably end up leaving you and saying something like "I dont know who you are anymore"

It's very hard to change such a well entrenched dynamic without dismantling the whole relationship and obviously dismantling the relationship has serious repercussions.

I know things reached such a toxic point in my marriage that dismantling it was the best choice, risks and all...and while that changed the dynamic and removed all the toxic elements, the fact remains that I think I'm 20 years further down the personal development path in life than my ex...he's seriously unlikely to make up that ground, and so I'm unlikely to ever see him as able to lead me personally.

So while the relationship is vastly improved post divorce, I don't respect my ex the way a woman ought to respect her man...so I am dating someone who I do respect & who I think is capable of leading me.

To flip the dynamic in an established relationship the man would have to begin and continue to think & behave differently. He would have to be willing to go through quite some static to establish a new dynamic, and the risk of dissolution would be quite high because it would introduce stress and change into the dynamic.

It's not impossible, but it's close.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

It's very hard to change such a well entrenched dynamic without dismantling the whole relationship and obviously dismantling the relationship has serious repercussions.

I know things reached such a toxic point in my marriage that dismantling it was the best choice, risks and all...and while that changed the dynamic and removed all the toxic elements, the fact remains that I think I'm 20 years further down the personal development path in life than my ex...he's seriously unlikely to make up that ground, and so I'm unlikely to ever see him as able to lead me personally.

So while the relationship is vastly improved post divorce, I don't respect my ex the way a woman ought to respect her man...so I am dating someone who I do respect & who I think is capable of leading me.

To flip the dynamic in an established relationship the man would have to begin and continue to think & behave differently. He would have to be willing to go through quite some static to establish a new dynamic, and the risk of dissolution would be quite high because it would introduce stress and change into the dynamic.

It's not impossible, but it's close.

In other words, first impressions count. A LOT.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

More than likely not. You could make her fear you but that would just lead to deep seated malice after a while...

She would probably end up leaving you and saying something like "I dont know who you are anymore"

So by her fearing you she's going to "put out" and be feminine? How would you go about reversing a situation that you was doormat because you where too giving to her?