How would you of handled this?

[AttackFormation]

Let me reframe this.

If you were dating a woman for 2-3 months and she openly lied about herself/something, in front of you, to people you were both talking to, and she also knew that you would know instantly she was lying..... Wouldn't that leave a bad taste in your mouth? Wouldn't you question her character? Straight red flag. Eventually she would be classified as an NPD on these boards.

Personally, I would have a conversation about that moment, the next day/when it was convenient. Specifically call out the situation, the lie, and find out why it happened.

The explanation and or excuses would dictate my response to the relationship.

Any attempt to excuse or justify the behavior would have me moving along.

That's just me tho.

Give her a break, the guy probably gets her feeling butterflies and fvcks her better on his off days than the others do when they try - he didn't lie about that

 

[DreamAgain]

OP, I would've gotten mad like you too. But if this was a guaranteed smash after, I would have waited patiently, and then told her the next day that my time is valuable, and I'm disappointed that she doesn't respect it more.

Or maybe I would just go no contact.

 

[marmel75]

I never said anyone was 100% truthful all the time. That's not my point either.

My surprise is that she openly expressed genuine distaste because this man lied to people in front of her and he did it knowing she would recognize it as a lie as soon as she heard it. She then went on to question if she wants to date a man of that calibur. She and I briefly chatted about that. Now she is calling him her boyfriend.

I guess I assumed she would choose differently. My assumption that she would easily kick a liar to the curb with ease was based on the fact that she always had an abundance of men chasing her (her words). I'm surprised she wouldn't choose someone else. But I'm just surprised, not trying to judge, not trying to bunch anyone's panties.

I, personally, don't find myself in situations where I need to lie. If I am making that decision, it is to spare sometimes feelings. Like I didn't tell @bigneil that his GF looked like a teenager when he pm'ed me a pic of them. I simply stated "she's pretty". He then got mad at me later, accusing me of being a fraud when I came clean on the boards. He wasn't wrong, lol, but he's so fragile, I couldn't be mean....

Other then that, I don't find myself, my ego, needing to lie to people. And I move FAR away from people who feel I am the kind of enabler who wont call them on their dysfunctional $hit.

Again, that's just me and my viewpoint. Don't take what I say as a personal attack.

Great sex is a pretty strong trump card. My bet is he can lay some pipe.

 

[sazc]

It is unfortunate that I was told I had "covert" intentions and, therefore, felt I needed to explain my "why's"

@BeExcellent always presents herself with class, abundance, high value, strict standards, etc. I'm genuinely surprised she would give this type of behavior a pass, esp after the words she and I exchanged, that's all. If u have men chasing you non stop (her impressions to the forum) why settle for one that thinks SO little of you that he will lie in front of you without issue? He's not embarrassed?! He isn't worried about her perception of him? He thinks he can puppet her like that? WTF kind if man is this, really?! And then, what if the other people find out he lied, and ask you why you stood there and said nothing? It's classless behavior. Tacky. Unbecoming. Again, just my opinion. I'd be mortified.

Great sex is a pretty strong trump card. My bet is he can lay some pipe.

For some people a man of means can be a pretty strong trump card as well...

 

[marmel75]

It is unfortunate that I was told I had "covert" intentions and, therefore, felt I needed to explain my "why's"

@BeExcellent always presents herself with class, abundance, high value, strict standards, etc. I'm genuinely surprised she would give this type of behavior a pass, esp after the words she and I exchanged, that's all. If u have men chasing you non stop (her impressions to the forum) why settle for one that thinks SO little of you that he will lie in front of you without issue? He's not embarrassed?! He isn't worried about hey perception of him? WTF mind if man is this, really?!


For some people a man of means can be a pretty strong trump card as well...

Yes that is true but I think good looking women can find a man of means pretty easily, but the man of means who can also lay pipe is much rarer and much harder to let go of..that combination doesnt grow on trees, there is no telling how long it would take to find an equivalent replacement for that...

 

[AttackFormation]

Yes that is true but I think good looking women can find a man of means pretty easily, but the man of means who can also lay pipe is much rarer and much harder to let go of..that combination doesnt grow on trees, there is no telling how long it would take to find an equivalent replacement for that...

Not to mention she's been pining for that very combination ever since breaking up with her ex. The reason why she wrote paragraphs about him and still spent years "giving him a chance" wasn't because the dude helped out around the house, if you know what I mean

Women may have an easier time getting sex, but their higher standards and lack of control over what the guy does after they have sex with him mean that fulfillment is still about as hard to find for them.

 

[guru1000]

It is unfortunate that I was told I had "covert" intentions and, therefore, felt I needed to explain my "why's"

@BeExcellent always presents herself with class, abundance, high value, strict standards, etc. I'm genuinely surprised she would give this type of behavior a pass, esp after the words she and I exchanged, that's all. If u have men chasing you non stop (her impressions to the forum) why settle for one that thinks SO little of you that he will lie in front of you without issue? He's not embarrassed?! He isn't worried about her perception of him? He thinks he can puppet her like that? WTF kind if man is this, really?! And then, what if the other people find out he lied, and ask you why you stood there and said nothing? It's classless behavior. Tacky. Unbecoming. Again, just my opinion. I'd be mortified.



For some people a man of means can be a pretty strong trump card as well...

Lying, a socially shamed construct, is broad, and, on it's face, does not designate a person's integrity (or lack of). What's relevant is one's intent.

Very often, those who belligerently shame "liars" are of ill intent themselves guised and thus contrived in the veneer of "truth." Look to the intent, which is demonstrated by one's actions to understand the true story.

 

[sazc]

Yes that is true but I think good looking women can find a man of means pretty easily, but the man of means who can also lay pipe is much rarer and much harder to let go of..that combination doesnt grow on trees, there is no telling how long it would take to find an equivalent replacement for that...

I follow what you are saying but she doesn't need a man of considerable means. By her own admission, she is doing great financially AND she never plans on getting married again. She's not a female that is looking to marry up.

If what you say is true

 

[AttackFormation]

I follow what you are saying but she doesn't need a man of considerable means. By her own admission, she is doing great financially AND she never plans on getting married again. She's not a female that is looking to marry up.

If what you say is true

Rule #1 of deciphering women (actually people): go by what they do, not what they say.

 

[wifehunter]

I would NOT have waited for her.

2 hours of your life... GONE!!!

 

[sazc]

Lying, a socially shamed construct, is broad, and, on it's face, does not designate a person's integrity (or lack of). What's relevant is one's intent.

Very often, those who belligerently shame "liars" are of ill intent themselves guised and thus contrived in the veneer of "truth." Look to the intent, which is demonstrated by one's actions to understand the true story.

You're only touching the surface with your words. Usually those who will choose to lie feel some sort of short coming, or defect, and lie to cover it up, or feel adequate.

How about you @guru1000 ... If the woman you are dating for 2-3 months openly lies about herself in a conversation with others, and she does it in front of you, knowing that you could call her out on it, that wouldn't signal charachter defect to you?

What would you do about it?

Im guessing there is NO way you would tolerate that from a woman. No way. You, yourself, admit you have abundance. Why deal with someone if that calibur when you can move on?

It's very much worth noting that 3 months is about the time the honeymoon period ends....

 

[sazc]

Just to reiterate...I think this is a valid discussion not because I want to pin @BeExcellent , but because I know there are plenty of members that experience some degree of this during the getting to know you phase.

I've experienced it as well, and I chose to stay, twice. Then I learned my lesson. My filtering changed permanently.

 

[guru1000]

How about you @guru1000 ... If the woman you are dating for 2-3 months openly lies about herself in a conversation with others, and she does it in front of you, knowing that you could call her out on it, that wouldn't signal charachter defect to you?

If she does it in front of me, she is not concealing from nor deceiving me, and thus is aware that I am observing and am aware/understand the dynamic fully. Next question would be what is she lying about and why? To harm? Out of decorum? The intent here matters.

 

[sazc]

If she does it in front of me, she is not concealing from nor deceiving me, and thus is aware that I am observing and am aware/understand the dynamic fully. Next question would be what is she lying about and why? To harm? Out of decorum? The intent here matters.

How would you handle it? Is it worth handling? Would you make assumptions about the "why", or would you ask her what prompted the decision to lie?

What if she tries to trivialize it?
What if she gaslights you about it?
What if she says "everyone lies, it's no big deal!"

My friend married someone. They were in line at Disneyland. Her hubby told people behind them he used to be a paramedic. He was NEVER a paramedic. I mean..holy sh1t!!

 

[sosousage]

How would you handle it? Is it worth handling? Would you make assumptions about the "why", or would you ask her what prompted the decision to lie?

What if she tries to trivialize it?
What if she gaslights you about it?
What if she says "everyone lies, it's no big deal!"

My friend married someone. They were in line at Disneyland. Her hubby told people behind them he used to be a paramedic. He was NEVER a paramedic. I mean..holy sh1t!!

LOL. thats sarcasm/irony not lie

also @sazc why you didnt answer my age question

 

[Macaframalama]

With so much infighting going on lately on the boards, I propose @sazc and @BeExcellent just show us your tittz already. We'll settle it that way.

 

[sazc]

also @sazc why you didnt answer my age question

I didn't see your age question. I just looked and still don't see it. What was the question?

 

[guru1000]

How would you handle it? Is it worth handling? Would you make assumptions about the "why", or would you ask her what prompted the decision to lie?
What if she tries to trivialize it?
What if she gaslights you about it?
What if she says "everyone lies, it's no big deal!"

Again, I look at the intent.

On the flip side, those who live a life under the illusion of always telling the truth, are in fact lying. I'd be more wary of this type as they are neither honest with me nor themselves.

My friend married someone. They were in line at Disneyland. Her hubby told people behind them he used to be a paramedic. He was NEVER a paramedic. I mean..holy sh1t!!

What was the intent of professing to be a former paramedic? Insecurity? Humor?

 

[sazc]

Again, I look at the intent.

On the flip side, those who live a life under the illusion of always telling the truth, are in fact lying. I'd be more wary of this type as they are neither honest with me nor themselves.

What was the intent of professing to be a former paramedic? Insecurity? Humor?

YOU can't assume the intent of someone else. That has the potential effect of *you* becoming an enabler. Surely you know that?

It was casual conversation in the line. I'm pretty sure he said it out if insecurity, responding to past employment Apparently he fabricated a fair amount of things and expected she would never call him on any of it. He made up stuff about being in the Navy seals, etc.

They married way to quickly.

 

[BeExcellent]

Oh good Lord. So much for not sidetracking the whole thread . And thank you @sazc about the profile pic. The man we are discussing took that picture and gave me that flower. So it's me a few weeks ago.

There have been enough times that folks have baited me here with the intent to then say "SEE, SEE, Look at XYZ" and lampoon me about this that or the other thing that I have come to understand that sometimes that happens here. And that's OK. It's sidetracked a few threads along the way and that's OK too.

I am the one in the relation. I am good at reading people. It is part of why I have gotten where I am in life. I represent myself consistently and I am quite transparent here because it might benefit someone else. Tenacity was similarly transparent, which I always respected about him for all his ranting.

The things that I have observed my boyfriend doing are things that I consider white lies of no consequence, and lies of omission to avoid disclosure of other women he may or may not be seeing. I DO THE SAME THING. I'm not going to tell him things that are on a need-to-know basis for example. Neither will he. That is the "game." We both understand the game thoroughly, in fact we actually discuss it in a straightforward way, which we both find amusing. Both as it relates to ourselves and as it relates to people who we observe in dating situations around us. It's fascinating. Meanwhile we both play high level game with one another.

A few weeks ago he passed a comment to the effect of being the best in bed etc., and said something smug along those lines insinuating that I had never had such wonderful sex and then he asked "I am the best, aren't I?" and he grinned...I simply replied "Do not ask questions you don't want the answer to...I've had incredible sex and incredible intimacy before...and no, we aren't there yet, but we can get there." And I smiled. His jaw dropped but he shut up on the bragging. Perhaps I should have lied ?

I can walk at any time. I am that solid in who I am. So is he. We both understand and respect that about each other.

You see I am the one in the relation. Therefore I am the one who knows the nuances, the dynamics, the intent and the character of the other person. The relation is dynamic (as all relations between two people are.) I am confident that I behave in a way that is calibrated to what I intend to express. As I have gotten to know him better I have been more impressed with him than I thought I would be at first. He has a depth and an openness that reveals his humanity, both his strengths and his weaknesses, his flaws and his regrets and his core. He is a good man and both intellectually and emotionally intelligent. So the concerns about the white lies I noted earlier on in the relation has been assuaged by his actions, which I can observe. He knows I am wary of him in some ways (and he is likewise wary of me in similar ways.) He thinks I have more options in the SMP than he does...which may or may not be true...but we enjoy each other and engage each other and life is good so far.

It's easy to sit somewhere else and say "Well I'd call him out/I'd drop him/I'd do differently, etc." It's easy to sit somewhere else and pass judgements and make inferences about me based on incomplete information/assumptions/perceptions/etc.

Have I asked for advice on how to handle him? Nope. Only a very few here have enough inner game and experience to advise me on how to handle him...and if I have a question along those lines, I'll PM those individuals...just as some here occasionally PM me with specific questions for which they think my perspective might be helpful.

I always say that people who ask for advice must consider that they are the ones who know the people/situations they are dealing with and take that into account. They have knowledge the board is not able to have. I also always say that if you give people the opportunity they will always show you who they are, given enough time. I practice what I preach on those two counts. Sometimes people who ask questions here are simply needing validation that their observations are accurate...sometimes people don't want to face the facts that their observations point toward. I am observing his actions as we go along and I am calibrating accordingly. So too is he.

That others are going to sit in judgement of my choices based on such limited information and given the fact that I've not asked for feedback (I've got it well in hand, Thank you), is honestly rather arrogant. And if somebody thinks my attitude about the matter is arrogant? Well fine, we are all entitled to our own opinions, no matter how well or poorly informed they may be.