Opinions: Divorce Husband or no?

[taiyuu_otoko]

But to act on it signifies a major character flaw in the husband.

Notice that the question:

So what’s the answer?

Is different than, "who should I blame?"

 

[BeExcellent]

Notice that the question:



Is different than, "who should I blame?"

I agree. I don't envy this lady. Rock and a hard place IMO.

 

[Billtx49]

I agree. I don't envy this lady. Rock and a hard place IMO.

The only option for her is to take the high road mentally and ethically in how she handles this situation and it will be tough to handle.

 

[CMNILS87]

Can there be a situation where a woman fully fills you in every way such as marriage and happiness and best friend BS, but you also just want to try some strange here and there to see what it's like? I mean I can hang out with my GF for s full day and just goof off, but I walk by a smoking hottie at the store and just wonder, "man I wonder what she's like in the sack, just a little taste".

 

[exhausted]

I agree familiarity can breed contempt. But to act on it signifies a major character flaw in the husband.

Yep.
My ex gained about 18 lbs, has a terrible stomach of stretch marks but i was more attracted to her as time went on due to the increasing connection over time. Love and bond builds a deeper connection.
I can see how people love one another at a deeper level through the course of a lifetime.
If only i could find a good woman.
Jesus im 39 now and will probably be dead by 55 due to the genetic heart my dad and his dad passed down as they both passed early.
Come to think of it i will probably leave this life without a soulmate. That ****ing sucks and this pos has a good wife and mother of.his.kids he cheats on..

Life is fuching bull****

Divorce his dumbass and find a good man.

Tell him he also now allowed another man to raise his son entirely different from what he wanted.

The husband is a pos fool honestly.

I despise cheaters

 

[Desdinova]

Come to think of it i will probably leave this life without a soulmate.

Women are the only ones who have "soulmates" for life. A man's "soulmate" is the women in his current vicinity. Men are the ones who can much more easily move on from a finished relationship. Men can recover from extreme one-itis. Women cannot. The man they develop extreme one-itis for becomes permanently embedded in her brain.

Divorce his dumbass and find a good man.

The problem is, good men are BORING. Women don't take on good men because they like excitement in their lives. Look at the OP's man. He is FAR from boring, and she freely admits it. Even the fact that he's fvcking a 22 year old secretary prevents him from being boring. If women were attracted to "good men", she would have left him a long time ago.

If it were me I would tend to divorce him, get a fair settlement and move on with your life.

Again, I don't believe he should be raked over the coals for falling out of love. Sure it hurts like hell, but he could have done much, much worse things. He's not beating the hell out of her, he's not blowing grocery money on heroine, he's not molesting their child. But because he fell out of love, he should be financially ruined? I'm not buying it.

Even Biblically, sexual infidelity is grounds for divorce.

The bible also promotes having multiple wives.

Will 22 year old admin be there to wipe his drool when he is old as you have signed up to do? Highly unlikely.

Why not? The OP signed up for that when she was 22. You can't judge the secretary based on her age when the OP fell in love with her husband at that exact same age.

. To this day I am amazed that only the prospect of losing me to another man motivated him.

But that's how men function. They will defend what they consider to be their property, and that includes the woman in their life. He still considered you his property, so he's going to become defensive when another man comes stiffing around your vagina.

That's just kicking you when you are down. High Score Theory is just that. I don't subscribe to it, but many men here do. It's convenient & lines up with the beliefs of those who think it has merit.

The OP is the definition of High Score Theory. She met this alpha male at age 22 and married him. 13 years later and she's still with him. She has never experienced a major heartbreak which is why this is such a difficult decision for her. She hasn't gone through a phase of emotional damage resulting from becoming an alpha-widow. If she divorces her husband, you bet your ass she's going to make a trip to the sexual theme park and ride the c0ck carousel.

Sounds like an early midlife crisis for him.

I don't buy the midlife crisis bull5hit. Her husband has done nothing but retain his value over the years, and the opportunities are still coming his way.

Here are the mistakes that were made here...

The OP's biggest mistake was marrying a man who's only 5 years older than her. SHE should have been the one going after the 40 year old man. By the time she reached 35, her husband would have been in his 50s. Who the fvck wants to start over when they're in their 50s? If anything, a 50 year old would cherish his 35 year old wife who still looks somewhat decent and treats him well.

The OP's husband's mistake was marrying too young. He should have waited until he was in his late 30s or early 40s to settle down. Myself being on the verge of turning 40, I can tell you that I have no desire to chase after women anymore. I've had a good share of them pass through my life, and most of them are garbage. I have no desire to put up with any of that crap anymore. I'd rather be alone than deal with women who are loaded with orbiters, are busy riding the c0ck carousel, and will be constantly desiring that magnificent man at the top of her high score list who ditched her for someone younger and hotter.

Does your gf have a sister or cousin or friend or cat for fuchsakes ..

Sorry dude. Her female friends are pretty decent, but they're all getting snapped up fairly quickly.

This is why I buy into the whole 23 and under age group. I've seen them, I've met them, and I've dated a couple. Not every woman in the 18-23 age group is a party wh0re. There are some decent women, but you have to dig. They value the concept of having a good man because they aren't jaded from being alpha-widowed. They are 100% invested in that "prince charming" 5hit they've been fed by Disney. A woman's definition of "prince charming" is a guy who comes along and makes her feel intense emotions about him. If you can be that guy, she'll stick with you.

The OP's husband has one major problem. He has no fvcking clue how difficult it is to find a woman who will stick by you. He's been with one for the last 13 years, so he doesn't know any better. This is why he should have settled down in his 40s so he could gain perspective on what traits are valuable and desirable in a woman. I wish to fvck that someone would have told me that when I was in my 20s so I wouldn't have wasted it on two lengthy LTRs instead of building up my finances, my career, and my stability.

 

[ImJustaGirl]

Near the tail end of my marriage, I took on a 22 year old mistress myself. Everyone seems to think that a man takes on a mistress solely because of a lack of sex in his marriage. This is not true. Every man does it for different reasons. I took on a mistress because my wife was never home. I was extremely lonely, and my mistress did a great job filling that void in my life. My now ex-wife never found out about my mistress, and I have no regrets taking one on.



As for your situation, it's unfortunate that your husband fvcked around on you. I'm always advising the men on this site to take on a woman who is under age 23 because she's low-mileage and has likely never been alpha-widowed. Judging from your age, you fall into that category. With little doubt, I'd say your husband is at the top of your high score list. Other women want him, he's probably charming as fvck, and he's probably the definition of what you want in a man. No other guy can or ever will compare to him. He is the one who will define the success (or lack of success) of any relationship you have after the two of you have parted ways. I guarantee you will NEVER feel the same way for another man the way you do for your husband.

When it comes to the subject of "love" and "soulmates", your husband has the upper hand. He is the only one you will be thinking about after you end up fvcking Allan the AFC or Bill the Beta. You will be forever screwed in the department of love if you divorce the guy.



Even though your husband fvcked around on you, I'm not going to put all the blame on him, and here's why... Let me tell you a bit about the LTR I'm currently in.

I'm damn near 40, and my GF is 24. I've been with her for 1 1/2 years, and she pursued the hell out of me for two years prior. After I finally agreed to date her, I've been treated like a king. She cooks supper every night, she makes my lunch every day, she took on my kid as if she was his mother, she pays for stuff, she buys me fantastic gifts, and I could probably go on even more about how damn awesome she is. The fact that she's made herself extremely valuable is something that causes me to think twice before chasing other pvssy (and I'm really good at getting women interested in me). Would I cheat on her? Well, if it was something like a one-time experience where I was out of town, I'd consider it, but that's because I'm male. I would NOT consider having a mistress when I have this great woman around who fvck, cooks, cleans, and takes that extra step to keep me satisfied.

So what's my point here? Well, the problem I've seen with so many women is they DON'T take those extra steps to keep their men happy. Looks are one thing, but looks go down the toilet, and at age 35 your looks are NOTHING in comparison to a 22 year old. When you reach age 35, you've got nothing but personality, respectfulness, kindness, and sex to keep him interested. If he feels the need to fvck around on you, there is a good possibility that you've been failing in one or more of those categories.

Many women seem to think that sex is what keeps a man around. The problem is, sex is available anywhere. Attractive, 5hitty women are also available anywhere. What makes YOU stand out from that 22 year old he's fvcking? The wedding ring and the marriage license don't mean a damn thing. Time spent with him doesn't mean a damn thing. What is it that makes YOU irreplaceable?

That's what you need to keep your man around. You need to stand above all the other women in some way, shape or form. If you don't go that extra mile to make yourself more valuable than a hot 22 year old, then you're going to lose out to her.



I would also suggest NOT fvcking him over if you decide to divorce him. Sure, he may have ultimately ruined the marriage, but I don't believe that anybody should get raked over the coals for the sin of falling out of love. If he beat the piss out of you or molested your children, then yeah, give him what he deserves. There should be no penalty for falling out of love. Instead, the goal should be progression after regression.

The way I see it, you have a decision to make...

1) Try to make your marriage work
2) End your marriage and face the consequence of never replicating the feelings you had for your ex-husband.

Thanks, a lot of good points on both of your posts (my posts as a new member here are limited evidently, and so is my time, so I’ll try to jam everything in as concisely as I can)...
My husband seems like he’s still in love and wants to keep me around (or he’s a very convincing liar), it’s mostly me that’s the problem. I can’t find a way to be into him anymore... and I would really like to be into him for the sake of our son. He’s too young to understand why I’d be leaving and our arrangement really has everything set up for me to look like the villain. On social media my husband is the perfect dad and perfect husband so if I leave and start banging one of his laborghini-driving friends, we all know what that’s going to look like.
Part of the reason I can’t be into him anymore is that when I went through their messages he sounded like a loser, (One was something like, “I’m not coming in today, pay me ”)... maybe he saved it to be able to fire her, I don’t know?, but seeing messages like that made me lose all respect for him.
I’d wipe the drool off his chin when he’s old because I know he’d do it for me also, but I can’t cook him dinner and beg him for sex anymore... my brain just won’t do it. Which sucks because I’ve been raised to believe that’s what a good wife does and I don’t like not being good at what I do.
Your scenario would be my best case scenario. If my son ended up with a great stepmother who loved him and acted like a wife should, I’d be happy... this girl was an illiterate high school dropout with no dad, thousands of Instagram followers and 500 selfies... I can’t help but worry that a divorce from one of those might cost the equivalent of a university degree at a good school for my son LOL
If my son has to take out student loans in 10-12 years because I allowed that to happen, I won’t be very happy with myself.

 

[The Duke]

ImJustAGirl- why do you think he cheated? what was your part in this? why are you so worried about money? You sure haven't shed much light on what you did wrong?

 

[ImJustaGirl]

ImJustAGirl- why do you think he cheated? what was your part in this? why are you so worried about money? You sure haven't shed much light on what you did wrong?

I’ve asked what I did wrong as well... never really got a straight answer. I was a stay at home mom for a year and a half, he insisted that his son go to school because kids who don’t go to school are “socially weird”, so I went back to work because I got tired of hearing “what did you do all day?” (Everything was always taken care of so he never really noticed what I “did” all day lol), so I guess since I still had to do all of the stuff that needed to be done after my regular day job, I had less time to follow him around the house. He told me he wanted to have more kids and I should stay home from work permanently, and that was the plan... then 4 months into that plan and precisely 19 days after I unloaded a business, I find out what he’s doing. I think he may have been trying to unload HER at the time and she got pissed off.
Sometimes I tell myself that I fvcked things up by going back to work but when I didn’t work he would be stressed that all of the responsibility was on him...
As for why I’m worried about the money, I’m not really worried but I know I would be annoyed if my son had to take on student loans because if left unsupervised, his dad would go full Dan Bilzerian.

 

[FwoGiZ]

The feminine imperative is kicking strong in this thread lolol
Please ladies (and white knights), tell me more about how "real men" acts.

PS: I do not support lying. Nor suppressing your masculinity.

 

[AJ84]

I'd personally rather live alone in an apt then stay with a liar and cheater and feel like I had to become a Stepford Wife just to keep him around. No one (man or woman) should become a slave to someone else's ego and lose themselves in the process. You only get one life.

 

[Desdinova]

@ImJustaGirl
I've been thinking about your situation today. It's not an easy situation to be in with all the givens. However, I came up with a plan that I would execute if I were in your shoes...

Send your husband to live with her for a minimum of one month. If she still lives with her parents, then he'll have to find a place to stay. This will not only give him time to miss his home, his son and you, but it will also give him the opportunity to see his mistress for what kind of a woman she really is.

After that month, give him a maximum of one year to come back. That will give him time to get it out of his system and see the dating landscape for what it really is. This will also put his mistress in an awkward position. He may tell her that he misses his home, misses his son, and even miss you. If he's living in a hotel room or at a friend/relative's place, he'll have to take care of his own laundry, clean up his own mess, cook for himself, etc.

One year would be the deadline. This gives him some time to gain perspective, and it gives you some time to miss him. Women can go back to the man they truly love, but they need some time for distance for that to happen. If he decides to come back, you're going to have to give him your trust. However, you MUST let him know that if he fvcks around on you again, he will be permanently removed from your life. Also, if he discovers he's happier without you, then you've waited your year of separation and can file for divorce.

Best case scenario: He realizes that the 22 year old (or whatever he's fvcking) is an annoying cvnt (just like most women out there) and realizes he had things better at home with you and your son and returns within a year.

Worst case scenario: The 22 is just a re-incarnation of you, and he decides to build a new life with her. You have to realize that this is entirely possible. Because of her age, she may be inexperienced and could potentially become just as devoted as you were.

I honestly believe that the only reason he's screwing around with a new woman is because he doesn't have a good perspective, not only on how lousy most women out there are, but also how good he's got it at home. Kicking him out temporarily may give him enough of a shake-up to gain some of that much-needed perspective.

 

[exhausted]

Go to counseling to see if you can overcome the betrayal and have a genuine marriage..
if you can not at least you tried your best.

 

[BeExcellent]

I think @Desdinova's suggestion is a good one. Now getting him to actually move out is something else entirely.

Have a lawyer draw up the separation documents and serve him at work. He will know you are serious. On the day of service change the locks on your house. This man is unlikely to move out of the family home on a volunteer basis in my opinion. I'm an ask forgiveness rather than permission girl on this issue.

And it's not something your son will understand. You see, your husband knows what a good mother you are. In fact he's betting on it. He's betting you'll put up with his behavior out of fear of hurting your son. That you'll sacrifice yourself in the marriage no matter how rotten his behavior. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for. Don't let your fears suppress you.

Des is correct. This husband has no idea how good he's got it. Really good women are hard to find, even for wealthy men (who have to deal constantly with gold diggers) who may not realize how vacuous women can be.

A few weeks ago I met a man who is 35, rich, successful, hot, witty, and smart. Type of man most any woman would find very desirable. The man resides on the water. In Maui. He is never married and was lamenting the market. Pretty, hot sexy women are EASY to find, he said. Sex is EASY to get, he said. He can't find a good girl with a good head on her shoulders. He wants a woman who "can make me a better man" as he put it. A man like that would treasure a woman like the OP.

Des is right. Let him depend fully on the mistress for a while. That will help him see with new eyes.

 

[exhausted]

I think @Desdinova's suggestion is a good one. Now getting him to actually move out is something else entirely.

Have a lawyer draw up the separation documents and serve him at work. He will know you are serious. On the day of service change the locks on your house. This man is unlikely to move out of the family home on a volunteer basis in my opinion. I'm an ask forgiveness rather than permission girl on this issue.

And it's not something your son will understand. You see, your husband knows what a good mother you are. In fact he's betting on it. He's betting you'll put up with his behavior out of fear of hurting your son. That you'll sacrifice yourself in the marriage no matter how rotten his behavior. Children are much more resilient than we give them credit for. Don't let your fears suppress you.

Des is correct. This husband has no idea how good he's got it. Really good women are hard to find, even for wealthy men (who have to deal constantly with gold diggers) who may not realize how vacuous women can be.

A few weeks ago I met a man who is 35, rich, successful, hot, witty, and smart. Type of man most any woman would find very desirable. The man resides on the water. In Maui. He is never married and was lamenting the market. Pretty, hot sexy women are EASY to find, he said. Sex is EASY to get, he said. He can't find a good girl with a good head on her shoulders. He wants a woman who "can make me a better man" as he put it. A man like that would treasure a woman like the OP.

Des is right. Let him depend fully on the mistress for a while. That will help him see with new eyes.

Terrible idea, gross as well.
Have her husband go live with another woman and with permission to be inside another woman's vagina daily, pissing all over his wedding vows?
Have him leave his wife and son, his family and go live with another woman to see how he likes it and maybe come back? wtf
That is disturbingly wrong.

If he doesn't know already what he did was wrong then he is an idiot anyways and will cheat again. The hurt he put his wife through already should be enough for him to wake up.

If not he has no empathy and is a pos and should be kicked out.

 

[BeExcellent]

Terrible idea, gross as well.
Have her husband go live with another woman and with permission to be inside another woman's vagina daily, pissing all over his wedding vows?
Have him leave his wife and son, his family and go live with another woman to see how he likes it and maybe come back? wtf
That is disturbingly wrong.

If he doesn't know already what he did was wrong then he is an idiot anyways and will cheat again. The hurt he put his wife through already should be enough for him to wake up.

If not he has no empathy and is a pos and should be kicked out.

It's a pragmatic solution Des has suggested. Right now the husband is still enjoying the secretary AND coming home to his wife. He's lying and doing it without reservation.

He's a POS obviously but he does not believe his wife has the guts to do anything about it.

The suggestion Des makes forces the husband to make the choice. It sends the message that she will not tolerate his sexual infidelity but isn't going to start off making the final choice for the husband (which would be the case if she just left.)

In other words it gives OP the opportunity to observe what her husband values, his family or his mistress. He's already screwing the other girl. Right now he has his cake & eat it too.

Just depends how strong the OP is. Her husband doesn't think she'll pull the trigger on anything. He sees her as weak.

 

[exhausted]

It's a pragmatic solution Des has suggested. Right now the husband is still enjoying the secretary AND coming home to his wife. He's lying and doing it without reservation.

He's a POS obviously but he does not believe his wife has the guts to do anything about it.

The suggestion Des makes forces the husband to make the choice. It sends the message that she will not tolerate his sexual infidelity but isn't going to start off making the final choice for the husband (which would be the case if she just left.)

In other words it gives OP the opportunity to observe what her husband values, his family or his mistress. He's already screwing the other girl. Right now he has his cake & eat it too.

Just depends how strong the OP is. Her husband doesn't think she'll pull the trigger on anything. He sees her as weak.

He is still plowing the secretary?!!
If she took a frying pan to him I would have no reservations about it.

That is demeaning for her to endure this.
People are terrible and disgusting.

 

[Macaframalama]

In other words it gives OP the opportunity to observe what her husband values, his family or his mistress.

Isn't it obvious?

 

[Sho-No-Luv]

@ImJustaGirl
I've been thinking about your situation today. It's not an easy situation to be in with all the givens. However, I came up with a plan that I would execute if I were in your shoes...

Send your husband to live with her for a minimum of one month. If she still lives with her parents, then he'll have to find a place to stay. This will not only give him time to miss his home, his son and you, but it will also give him the opportunity to see his mistress for what kind of a woman she really is.

After that month, give him a maximum of one year to come back. That will give him time to get it out of his system and see the dating landscape for what it really is. This will also put his mistress in an awkward position. He may tell her that he misses his home, misses his son, and even miss you. If he's living in a hotel room or at a friend/relative's place, he'll have to take care of his own laundry, clean up his own mess, cook for himself, etc.

One year would be the deadline. This gives him some time to gain perspective, and it gives you some time to miss him. Women can go back to the man they truly love, but they need some time for distance for that to happen. If he decides to come back, you're going to have to give him your trust. However, you MUST let him know that if he fvcks around on you again, he will be permanently removed from your life. Also, if he discovers he's happier without you, then you've waited your year of separation and can file for divorce.

Best case scenario: He realizes that the 22 year old (or whatever he's fvcking) is an annoying cvnt (just like most women out there) and realizes he had things better at home with you and your son and returns within a year.

Worst case scenario: The 22 is just a re-incarnation of you, and he decides to build a new life with her. You have to realize that this is entirely possible. Because of her age, she may be inexperienced and could potentially become just as devoted as you were.

I honestly believe that the only reason he's screwing around with a new woman is because he doesn't have a good perspective, not only on how lousy most women out there are, but also how good he's got it at home. Kicking him out temporarily may give him enough of a shake-up to gain some of that much-needed perspective.

Excellent advice!!

 

[BeExcellent]

Isn't it obvious?

No it isn't. He is obviously feeling entitled to both his wife/family as well as his mistress. He is taking at least his wife/family for granted if not the mistress too.

He hasn't been placed in a position to decide what he values in a binary either/or choice. Right now he has both women so he is operating from a luxurious place in his entitled mind.

If the OP removes this luxury of having access to her, the husband might realize what he stands to lose.

That information is useful to help the OP determine the best course of action in consideration of their child.