BPD's can control their behavior…they choose not to

[Polysix]

I found that in another Thread but think it is worth to repost in here.
The whole thread is a good read.
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/help-possible-cluster-b-feeling-totally-lost.183173/page-8
---------------------
49au
---------------------------

Secondly, forgive her. It is not anyone's fault that they have BPD. That does not mean that her actions are appropriate, healthy, or should be condoned. It also does not mean that they are fit for relationships. I am not saying any of that. I'm saying that you have experienced someone whose self-loathing, pain, fear, and despair is unfathomable, and she will be this way FOREVER. Honestly? I pity my ex. I'm not going to be her tampon, her therapist, her friend, or anything else, but I pity her. I hope she gets help. I hope yours gets help. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these women are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting, and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger men with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy woman. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life.


[...]


I think the proper attitude is to recognize that a) these women are severely disordered b) they really did love you (in their way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win c) they had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future woman d) the relationship was NOT all bad e) there WERE moments of sincerity and humanity in the relationship f) you will come out of this a stronger man.

Thanks for quoting 49au MrAddiction.
49au´s posts on the topic helped me alot to understand my Ex and BPD in general when I came to this forum in order to find answers and to heal from my experience last year.
Another member with some more compassion and empathy towards BPD-sufferers is @AlexDP
This thread has also some helpful and salutary insights from 'the other side':
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/thread...pd-please-help-if-you-have-experience.185333/

As it´s obvious by the progression with the last pages of this thread here it seems that some of the posters/ members here just can´t seem to let go. I.m.o. that is the whole secret, letting go and forgivingness.
But some of you guys just can´t do it, which is somehow sad, it seems you cannot see the wood for the trees.
You don´t realise that all that resentment, grief, hate, anger, bitterness is working against you, you´re intoxicating yourself with that.
Sure, you got hurt deeply, but by ranting and complainig about your exes over and over again you keep the beast alive, but the beast ain´t her.
There is a nice saying by Jack Kornfield:
'People hurt other people only because of their own (inner) pain, fear, anger and confusion.'
I.m.o. that´s so fvcking true, at least it helped me so much to let go and to forgive. Imagine the inner pain of someone with BPD.
What you´ve felt during or rather after your relationship with your BPD-Ex is only a fraction of the inner pain they must endure day to day projected into you.
Not saying your ex was not mean or evil or whatever...A good friend of mine says at least 50% of the world´s population are azzholes.
They could be men, they could be women, black or white or green or blue, they could have a personallity disorder or NOT. Just azzholes, it´s your choice. I´m a 8=O
Whatever. I can only recommand to meditate in order to practise letting go and forgivingness.

 

[exhausted]

Thanks for quoting 49au MrAddiction.
49au´s posts on the topic helped me alot to understand my Ex and BPD in general when I came to this forum in order to find answers and to heal from my experience last year.
Another member with some more compassion and empathy towards BPD-sufferers is @AlexDP
This thread has also some helpful and salutary insights from 'the other side':
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/thread...pd-please-help-if-you-have-experience.185333/

As it´s obvious by the progression with the last pages of this thread here it seems that some of the posters/ members here just can´t seem to let go. I.m.o. that is the whole secret, letting go and forgivingness.
But some of you guys just can´t do it, which is somehow sad, it seems you cannot see the wood for the trees.
You don´t realise that all that resentment, grief, hate, anger, bitterness is working against you, you´re intoxicating yourself with that.
Sure, you got hurt deeply, but by ranting and complainig about your exes over and over again you keep the beast alive, but the beast ain´t her.
There is a nice saying by Jack Kornfield:
'People hurt other people only because of their own (inner) pain, fear, anger and confusion.'
I.m.o. that´s so fvcking true, at least it helped me so much to let go and to forgive. Imagine the inner pain of someone with BPD.
What you´ve felt during or rather after your relationship with your BPD-Ex is only a fraction of the inner pain they must endure day to day projected into you.
Not saying your ex was not mean or evil or whatever...A good friend of mine says at least 50% of the world´s population are azzholes.
They could be men, they could be women, black or white or green or blue, they could have a personallity disorder or NOT. Just azzholes, it´s your choice. I´m a 8=O
Whatever. I can only recommand to meditate in order to practise letting go and forgivingness.

Good points.
But some of these bpds are so damaged they don't care how truly horrible they are to you and that's rough.
They are so selfish And damaged it doesn't dawn on them to even think about how their actions and words hurt people.

 

[MrAddiction]

Good points.
But some of these bpds are so damaged they don't care how truly horrible they are to you and that's rough.
They are so selfish And damaged it doesn't dawn on them to even think about how their actions and words hurt people.

I think the Point why it is hard to let go are not the bad actions or words but the good things you remember. And your Brain/emotions tricks you, and you always miss the good emotions and you have to actively remind you of the Bad things. It is a permanent struggle between heart and brain.

 

[exhausted]

I think the Point why it is hard to let go are not the bad actions or words but the good things you remember. And your Brain/emotions tricks you, and you always miss the good emotions and you have to actively remind you of the Bad things. It is a permanent struggle between heart and brain.

This is exactly what i am dealing with now.

I wonder what she is thinking?

I was the positive in the relationship and she was the trouble maker tho she thought opposite.

I'm curious if she is suffering or doesnt care and out on dates?

**** she suffered when things were good.

 

[MrAddiction]

This is exactly what i am dealing with now.

I wonder what she is thinking?

I'm curious if she is suffering or doesnt care and out on dates?

.

That is the wrong mindset.
You must come to a place where your mindset is: "she is not my problem any more"

 

[stovepipe]

This is exactly what i am dealing with now.

I wonder what she is thinking?

I was the positive in the relationship and she was the trouble maker tho she thought opposite.

I'm curious if she is suffering or doesnt care and out on dates?

**** she suffered when things were good.

I was the same, the glue that held the relationship together.

She doesn't care about you or the situation. Lets be real here, if she did, you would have heard from her within a day or two. In her mind, she is punishing you for not giving in to her BS. Even if she makes contact with you its all fake. She will love bomb you back in, then return to her evil self within days or weeks. Or contact you as if nothing happened with you thinking to yourself "wtf she can't be serious".

 

[MrAddiction]

contact you as if nothing happened with you thinking to yourself "wtf she can't be serious".

It is exactly that. But After knowing all this stuff about BPD and NPD i was not like what the fcuk- it was more like, ok exactly what I expected. Regarding her After the breakup and till today I feel more like a fortuneteller who knows exactly what will happen. Feels even more weird.

 

[stovepipe]

It is exactly that. But After knowing all this stuff about BPD and NPD i was not like what the fcuk- it was more like, ok exactly what I expected. Regarding her After the breakup and till today I feel more like a fortuneteller who knows exactly what will happen. Feels even more weird.

Once you educate yourself, nothing they do comes as a surprise.

They become predictable in almost everything they do. It took me months after she moved to understand. Her friend was my saving grace in telling me about her past, her behavior and some lies which lead me to find the truth in it all and what my ex was.

But in the beginning her friend kept telling me "are you surprised" when I was confused why she went silent, why she played me, why she did half the crap she did. I kept telling her "yes, I am surprised" cause I never knew someone could be so evil, selfish, manipulative and down right a heartless women, or ask me to marry her for the 100th time days before she left only for it to be BS.

Then, months later after the fog cleared and I read 1000's of hrs of materiel, I finally was able to see EVERYTHING for what it really was. I'm still blown away to say the least about what happened between us, but not the slightest bit surprised anymore. My life now without her feels boring, like a part of me is missing. I spend my days helping people from all over the world understand, heal, educate and hopefully recover from the trauma. Its like my life now is meant to help rather than enjoy.

 

[exhausted]

I was the same, the glue that held the relationship together.

She doesn't care about you or the situation. Lets be real here, if she did, you would have heard from her within a day or two. In her mind, she is punishing you for not giving in to her BS. Even if she makes contact with you its all fake. She will love bomb you back in, then return to her evil self within days or weeks. Or contact you as if nothing happened with you thinking to yourself "wtf she can't be serious".

True and i know that pattern.
2 months ago, a month before this no contact right now, which is exactly 1 month today, she called me after work as we had plans i missed the call as i was w a patient called her back unsuccessfully as she was out of service to her home, called the home and she was there i told her i tried calling back but she was out of service and asked her what time she was coming over and she flipped out on me that she was not coming back out this way, i said well u always go home after work (for the bathroom ha) so i figured u would come over after, she flipped out saying something about driving then screamed at me "i dont want this i dont want this i dont want this" and hung up on me, im sure her mom was around as she was screaming at me. Anyways that was a monday and i didnt hear from her all week as i figured she was done and she called me sat left me a message that she was in disbelief that i had not tried to get a hold of her. Jesus Lord my God. I called her back and said are u insane? I told her she was crazy i said you know u are crazy right? You are seriously insane. I said why would i call anyone who treats me like that?
Anyways my dumbass started seeing her again until this last time when she got mad at me and ignored me for days then discarded me on the phone as we had a talk and she was a no go on the relationship anymore and i said ok sorry for every thing and good luck not being hostile, then she called the very next day to be back together. She tried for 4 days and i shot her down with hate , hostility and just attacked the **** out of her constantly so i litetally think i shamed and rejected her to the point of no return in her eyes. I mean i was harsh she has never seen me like that as im always the good composed person in everthing. I was furious and i out her down for 4 days straight i went on rants one entire evening. She said i wont get back tog w her and just want to play games so good luck to me and i said i will never bother u again andd hung up. She text me twice 30 mins later about how i dont show i care. and i never responded. No contact 4 weeks today.

Sorry to rant but thatis how it ended.

So my point is im just really curious what her thinking is right now.

 

[Billtx49]

So my point is im just really curious what her thinking is right now.

You already know.
Whatever it is, it's not rational and doesnt make sense. Your experience with her tells you that.

 

[MrAddiction]

So my point is im just really curious what her thinking is right now.

First of: they don't think - they just feel. Hence the fast turnarounds. Swinging emotions.
Second: you do not care what somebody thinks that is not existant in your life.

You can not go back, you will not go back. Willpower is the only thing that protects you. Your emotions and your mind will play tricks on you and there will always be some doubt in the back of your head coming up from Time to time, wether she really is/was that bad.
It is like getting clean from a heroin addiction. Stay alway, no matter how much the urge becomes to take the next Shot.

 

[exhausted]

First of: they don't think - they just feel. Hence the fast turnarounds. Swinging emotions.
Second: you do not care what somebody things that is not existant in your life.

You can not to back, you will not go back. Willpower is the only thing that protects you. Your emotions and your mind will play tricks on you and there will always be some doubt in the back of your head coming up from Time to time, wether she really is/was that bad.
It is like getting clean from a heroin addiction. Stay alway, no matter how much the urge becomes to take the next Shot.

Well said all about how they feel and she can not dicern the difference of a fact.

Thanks for the support it's been a rough week.

 

[noBSgames]

You were allowed to speak? When mine or aged I couldn't get a word in nor did I even try as she went ballistic Furious yelling and screaming ice just acted calmly to make her feel more stupid. She yelled at me 3 times in one week so I refuse to see her for an entire month. So she punished me for that and that the mass of the ship relationship

lol I would do the same and she would get mad when I dont speak as well.. so again she mirrors what I do and she does a no contact for however long I did it for.. now she pretty much mirrors what I say in text kind of creepy because it's like a echo.

 

[noBSgames]

these chicks are CRAZY lol. I literally had to laugh at the absurdity of the chit my ex would flip out about. then she'd get even more pissed off because I would laugh. I remember we were watching some dumbazz movie and there was a sex scene and she was trying to cover my eyes, like LEGIT fighting to block my view because there was tits on screen. She was THAT jealous...I was like wow this sh1t just got to the next level of fked up reality lol.

Mine would get pissed off because she thought I was making fun of her.. OMG it was crazy she was going around saying I was making fun of her accent (she's spanish) I guess your never allowed to show emotions.. but they are allowed to fake it

 

[exhausted]

Mine would get pissed off because she thought I was making fun of her.. OMG it was crazy she was going around saying I was making fun of her accent (she's spanish) I guess your never allowed to show emotions.. but they are allowed to fake it

Absolutely.

They are allowed to do anything under the sun consequence free but if u do anything you will be PUNISHED

 

[noBSgames]

Absolutely.

They are allowed to do anything under the sun consequence free but if u do anything you will be PUNISHED

She sent me a long text two days ago.. but before the text and after she had sex with that guy she wanted to get back together she said the sex with the guy happened when we weren't together.. IMHO you were planning that for awhile.. why change your phone number.. then say you have to earn my phone number back.. so I took her off snapchat.. boy she called so quick with her number it was funny. She tried to be nice and blah blah.. and I was telling my friend at work because I was curious what she would say.. I was like how can I know you're not going to do the same thing over again? Her response was: Marry me.. LOL and knowing how she can't go more then a week without a paragraph text I got it yesterday with her rambling on about herself and me..

Her fav thing to ask me is Do you love me? last time she asked me I said no.. and I'm tired of you always asking me each month.. so she was like the reason I ask you is because last time you said no she says I'm punishing her for whatever when she is like when you know you are the one that messed up... WTF?????? she goes on to say I don't care anymore and she feels I love seeing her beg and cry for me when she says I'm not worth her loving me lol...

she later rambles on to say whatever happens just always know I'll always love you but our ways and behavior didn't always match she says I did not respect her she went on to saying how she always wanted to be a part of my life but I never involved her in it and said I would always rub stuff in her face and she hopes the next women I find will make me happy.

Because of her patterns and she always does it the same way.. for example her above text she pretty much says the same words but she might change a few things around but it feels like I'm just numb to it..

 

[exhausted]

She sent me a long text two days ago.. but before the text and after she had sex with that guy she wanted to get back together she said the sex with the guy happened when we weren't together.. IMHO you were planning that for awhile.. why change your phone number.. then say you have to earn my phone number back.. so I took her off snapchat.. boy she called so quick with her number it was funny. She tried to be nice and blah blah.. and I was telling my friend at work because I was curious what she would say.. I was like how can I know you're not going to do the same thing over again? Her response was: Marry me.. LOL and knowing how she can't go more then a week without a paragraph text I got it yesterday with her rambling on about herself and me..

Her fav thing to ask me is Do you love me? last time she asked me I said no.. and I'm tired of you always asking me each month.. so she was like the reason I ask you is because last time you said no she says I'm punishing her for whatever when she is like when you know you are the one that messed up... WTF?????? she goes on to say I don't care anymore and she feels I love seeing her beg and cry for me when she says I'm not worth her loving me lol...

she later rambles on to say whatever happens just always know I'll always love you but our ways and behavior didn't always match she says I did not respect her she went on to saying how she always wanted to be a part of my life but I never involved her in it and said I would always rub stuff in her face and she hopes the next women I find will make me happy.

Because of her patterns and she always does it the same way.. for example her above text she pretty much says the same words but she might change a few things around but it feels like I'm just numb to it..

I refuse to get back with a girl who has sex with another man whether it be a week a part or a year i have no interest the attraction is gone. Not many examples of that w me as i just would never entertain it is all.

I think to myself is this gonna be my wife, my wife bangs other men when awayfrom me for a week or two or few months after years together....? No thanks.


You need to let her go and move on if she isnt wife material

 

[noBSgames]

I refuse to get back with a girl who has sex with another man whether it be a week a part or a year i have no interest the attraction is gone. Not many examples of that w me as i just would never entertain it is all.

I think to myself is this gonna be my wife, my wife bangs other men when awayfrom me for a week or two or few months after years together....? No thanks.


You need to let her go and move on if she isnt wife material

I was really appalled that she wanted to come back after doing what she said which she said just happened and one thing led to another.. a person says that when they are planning it and they wanted to do it.. then proceeded to ask me if I had any sex with any girls.. get the hell out of here with that..

She's going to blow up when my car is back up shes going to lose major control it feels good not to answer or talk to her it's not like she cares given how she lets her true feelings slip out every once in awhile but then tries to back track on them.

 

[exhausted]

I was really appalled that she wanted to come back after doing what she said which she said just happened and one thing led to another.. a person says that when they are planning it and they wanted to do it.. then proceeded to ask me if I had any sex with any girls.. get the hell out of here with that..

She's going to blow up when my car is back up shes going to lose major control it feels good not to answer or talk to her it's not like she cares given how she lets her true feelings slip out every once in awhile but then tries to back track on them.

That's a bunch of bs of one thing lead to another. Either way it's no excuse for being a hoebag.

She is not a quality woman.

This shows she is levels below you.

 

[playa99]

RANT INCOMING!

This isn't strictly about women. It's about my life over the past 13 years.

I have come to the realization that I have had a lot of toxic people in my life. I've realized that a lot of the people around me have NPD/BPD tendencies.

Predominantly my grandparents, friends & previous relationships. I lost my Mum at age 11 and I've realized in the years after my Mom died I was a vulnerable person. Bad people found me and manipulated me over a long time period. I found that they all did the below:

• Could never be held to account or apologise.
• Distorted reality to suit there own ends.
• When called out never 'meant' what you thought they meant.
• Ripped you off financially.
• Made you feel on top of the world when they wanted something from you.
• Would routinely stab you in the back.
• Made you feel at fault for their deficiencies.

That is just to name a few off the top of my head. I've had a lot of covert manipulation that I've succumbed to over the years. I can't say I've had blazing arguments with people.

Can anyone relate?