Help with ex-wife?

[Roober]

Let me start by saying we have two kids together, so completely removing myself is not an option.

Background
-Dated 5 years, married 9 years
-Split in January 2016
-Two boys, 4 and 6
-223 schedule and 50% custody
-I walked out and she still holds resentment
-In final stages of divorce, but she is incredibly petty. For example, she wants to talk with them on the phone every single night I have them. Often times, she had seen them that morning or a couple hours prior.

What I have discovered since the separation
-wildly vindictive
-keeps score like a mofo... still brings up "you broke up this family" etc etc
-control freak to the max. For example, she was upset cause I sent her money on 8/6 instead of 8/5. She makes over 120k a year and has a very modest mortgage...

Where could I improve?
-I am forgetful and often forget to communicate things

Why do I need help?
1. She won't ever accept her own mistakes, but consistently points out mine. Is this something I just have to deal with?
2. When we actually talk, there is a constant barrage of passive aggressive verbal attacks. How to best deal with this?
3. Will bring up old issues over and over and over.
4. She brings up an issue and I have legitimate questions, then get the "your being a d1ck schpeal..." It is sort of a "how dare you question me?" How do I tell her... "Listen bish, I am just asking a simple fvcking question, there is no harm in asking questions..." probably one of our biggest points of contention is when I question her on things... best approach here?
5. Drags on about stupid little things like paying her a day late. I mean, do I really just have to be perfect to make her happy? I feel like even if I match her expectations, she will change the rules...

Any help would be greatly appreciated... my current lady is very transparent and I feel like I get her womane5e. I really can't understand my ex and figure out an angle to approach her. Maybe it's impossible?

 

[StonesDK]

Best way to deal with all of that is, assume the role of an observer instead of a participant. Validate how she feels without agreeing or counter proving her points. It's the best way to deflect those types of people. They want to draw you into a confrontation.

Read this it may work for you. It's mostly geared towards PD people but I've found it works with other people as well
http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

 

[derby1]

im very interested in this i dealt with a proffessional victim the once and by actually dealing with it awfully like i did arguing etc it just confirmed in her little head that im some monster and she could trot off and cry at work, cry to her mates etc and she still never acknowledged her wrong doings or behaviour....

I believe she still thinks your hers and for instance when she calls to spk to children i presume you ignore the call or reply instantly with can txt cant spK?

im sure people who deal with this problem spk to the person politely but assertive and place them low priority etc

 

[uk41]

How come you are paying her if you have joint custody if you don't mind me asking?

As above it does sound like she thinks you are still hers (but without having to **** you) I definitely wouldn't have her calling you every night.

Does she want you back?

 

[exhausted]

She feels you betrayed her and is going to punish you the rest of your life for it.

Why did u walk?
Did u cheat on her?

 

[logicallefty]

I would move all communication with her to Email, text, FB, etc, etc. Nothing verbal. Then never get emotional with her. Never cuss. Be firm but not confrontational. If she goes on about something, say "Sorry but we will just have to agree to disagree on that". Basically, create a written dialogue with this woman showing her to be the unreasonable one and you trying as hard as you can to make the situation work for the sake of the kids. That way if you ever have to go back to court with this wack job you have lots of evidence in your favor. My ex wife is actually not this way at all but still. I got 14 years of Emails, texts, etc with her and should we ever have to go to court in the next 4 years before my daughter turns 18, believe me, I will look like the Jesus of all Dads in the Court's eyes.

 

[BeExcellent]

I'm with @logicallefty here 100%. Get the communication into email.

I will say that usually when I'm away on business I usually have phone conversations each day with my kids. My ex and I agree this is a good idea. We do those kid chats on the way to school in the morning (notice built in time constraint) and in the evenings between dinner time & bed time. The kids have had this as a regular thing for 4 years (well also we did this during the marriage when I was away on business)...it's a stable routine for the children...but I have seen parents try and exert control in such an arrangement.

If I'm out with friends or even on a date, I excuse myself to have this daily goodnight call. It is not a time for your soon to be ex to inquire about your whereabouts or goings on.

Basically your best bet is refuse to engage drama.

There have been times when I've been irritated with my ex and we have our calls with the kids. I'll call...chat to the kids & then if I try to re-hash some grievance my ex will say "Listen, I've got to go" and he hangs up!!

As much as it might tick me off in the moment it is the correct approach. It lets me chill out, get over whatever I was upset about (sometimes something stupid, sometimes not), and makes me respect him because he is respecting himself.

It also reduces drama & upset which can adversely affect your young children were you to get drawn into a grilling session.

Make no mistake, she wants to roast you. Refuse to engage the drama. Tell her "Listen, I got to go" & hang up.

Communicate via email. Text if not email. Save your texts.

Hang in there. Time will get it better. Trust me.

 

[derby1]

my daughter(9)lives with her mom and comes too me 1 night per week and we spend the next day together this usually can turn into 2 nights as she is happy with me and i get on the with the mother within reason....

However there is absolutely no reason for my daughter to spk to her mom when shes with me unless shes been somewhere special or were on our way to drop/pick up

we must do things differently in the UK? as we would find it weird if the opposite parent was doing what you lot seem to do daily

 

[Glassguy]

I have a 14 yr old daughter and full custody since she was 6.

Document everything, no face to face interaction when it can be avoided, try to communicate with text so you can save it if she gets violent.

In your position, I would counter with "No problem. I expect the same phone call at __pm every night when they are with you".

Hold up on your end of the bargain, document when she doesnt. Do not give her ammo to later shoot back at you.

Never lose your temper. You have to be a dad first and ex husband second. Remember that.

Never let your kids see you get angry with your soon to be ex. You are parents first and exes last.

Be a good dad, support and be there for your kids. Hope like he!! that she utterly screws up at some point and move in for the kill (custody) if you are strong enough and only if you can provide a safer, more dependable living environment for your boys.

 

[The Duke]

I dated a girl that had the same bag of tricks as your exwife. What I learned was these types don't want to resolve anything. Every time you try and make a valid point, they dismiss it and they are onto the next problem they have with you. They want to stay in the attack position. This is their comfort zone. Their ego's can't handle anything else.

When discussing in person, they tend to get more emotionally upset. So I would only communicate thru text as mentioned. Keep it short and sweet. Ignore their attempts to make it personal. Increase your response time when they start acting schitty. Reward acceptable behavior with quicker replies.

My guess is this girl grew up in a home where she never learned conflict resolution skills. Resolving issues in a healthy manner is foreign to them. Constant arguing is in their wheelhouse. That's what they know. That's what they are good at. It really takes some skills to keep arguing! It baffles me how their brains keep coming up with content.

Until they hit their breaking point and see a counselor, you will never get anywhere with them.

 

[dude99]

Let me start by saying we have two kids together, so completely removing myself is not an option.

Background
-Dated 5 years, married 9 years
-Split in January 2016
-Two boys, 4 and 6
-223 schedule and 50% custody
-I walked out and she still holds resentment
-In final stages of divorce, but she is incredibly petty. For example, she wants to talk with them on the phone every single night I have them. Often times, she had seen them that morning or a couple hours prior.

What I have discovered since the separation
-wildly vindictive
-keeps score like a mofo... still brings up "you broke up this family" etc etc
-control freak to the max. For example, she was upset cause I sent her money on 8/6 instead of 8/5. She makes over 120k a year and has a very modest mortgage...

Where could I improve?
-I am forgetful and often forget to communicate things

Why do I need help?
1. She won't ever accept her own mistakes, but consistently points out mine. Is this something I just have to deal with?
2. When we actually talk, there is a constant barrage of passive aggressive verbal attacks. How to best deal with this?
3. Will bring up old issues over and over and over.
4. She brings up an issue and I have legitimate questions, then get the "your being a d1ck schpeal..." It is sort of a "how dare you question me?" How do I tell her... "Listen bish, I am just asking a simple fvcking question, there is no harm in asking questions..." probably one of our biggest points of contention is when I question her on things... best approach here?
5. Drags on about stupid little things like paying her a day late. I mean, do I really just have to be perfect to make her happy? I feel like even if I match her expectations, she will change the rules...

Any help would be greatly appreciated... my current lady is very transparent and I feel like I get her womane5e. I really can't understand my ex and figure out an angle to approach her. Maybe it's impossible?

Best way to deal with her is to literally not give a fűck. Discuss the kids only and don't even reply to any thing else. She is a spiteful @!#$. It wont matter what you say or do. But point by point this is how i would handle her.

1. She never will. Let her point out your faults. Laugh and then say "aren't you glad im not your problem anymore."

2. Best way to deal with this is to flat out ignore her when she behaves like this. Even standing side by side when she bullies you like this, completly treat her like she isn't there. I had to do this to a gf (who got dumped later on) . Stand your ground
Eventually she will realize she gets NOTHING from you when she behaves this way. Women can NOT handle it when you don't interact. Especial when they are trying to pick a fight. She will get pissed off and give up.

3. Say over and over. "That issue is history and won't be discussed any further. Refuse to discuss historical fights. This is her way of deflecting you to get you on your heels so she will feel she won. She just wants to play a game of mental word salad, so you will eventually forget what she was origionally picking the fight over. Usually they throw this tactic out when you start making sense and they know they are wrong. When they realized they are cornered they deflect. They can't handle it so they flip through the mental rolodex of mistakes you made. Do not allow them to deflect. Just keep saying "that issue is history and will not be discussed ever again." Remind her to stay on topic and do not discuss ANYTHING but the actual topic. She ill make many attempts to change the subject. Don't let her. She will get pissed off and give up.

4. Remind her this is why she is single. This is also her trying to deflect. Just keep stating over and over and over "just answer the question." She will get pissed off and give up

5. She will. She wants to bully you. She will always change the rules. Just ignore and Dont even answer. If you are following the rules of your seperation then she can bark all she wants. Don't even reply.

If you treated her this way everyone would say what a monster you are.

Don't reward bad behaviour with your attention or your time.

 

[derby1]

holy ****ing **** dude99 knows his stuff TROUBLE IS when it actually comes to it you fluff unless your an expert, practice practice

 

[dude99]

holy ****ing **** dude99 knows his stuff TROUBLE IS when it actually comes to it you fluff unless your an expert, practice practice

I put many ex's into mental tail spins using these exact tactics.

The problem is she no longet cares about right and wrong. She just wants to win. She feels wronged because OP walked away. Because of her sense of entitlement she now has an inner burning to even the score and punish him when in fact i bet it was a lot of this behaviour as to he walked away in the first place.

My first rule of dating/relationship/friendships never reward bad behaviour

 

[BeExcellent]

never reward bad behaviour

When men are rewarding bad behavior they are failing to lead. Women respect leadership although they may not always like it. But respect is key. A woman cannot love you if she does not respect you. Respect comes first, love comes after.

Your soon to be ex, @Roober does not respect you for whatever reason. By drawing solid boundaries you are re-establishing respect and eventually respectful behavior should follow on her end. Right now she is resisting respect because she does not think you deserve it. That is her problem and she may or may not get over it, but the likelihood is that eventually she will (and if she doesn't it will become more and more obvious to others that SHE is the problem, not you). You however must respect yourself no matter what she does or how she behaves. That is all you can do. You are in charge only of yourself, but your behavior must communicate that she is not the boss of you in any way. She will come to accept this through your consistent demonstration that you will not tolerate her bad behavior.

I agree with @dude99 in his responses to your specific questions. Those tactical answers are spot on.

 

[derby1]

the power of dude99's tactics and change of attitude is key, i i have now started this behaviour with all women including exes i now leave convos if no one asks how my life or my child are doing after ive had the courtesy to take 5 mins to ask them....its embracing youll either get a text follow up or theyll come over to you to reignite convo after theyve took the hint

 

[Cambridge]

Background
-Dated 5 years, married 9 years
-Split in January 2016
-Two boys, 4 and 6
-223 schedule and 50% custody
-I walked out and she still holds resentment
-In final stages of divorce, but she is incredibly petty. For example, she wants to talk with them on the phone every single night I have them. Often times, she had seen them that morning or a couple hours prior.

Before I answer I just wanted to say that I have nearly identical stats, albeit I'm about 7 years out.

-wildly vindictive
-keeps score like a mofo... still brings up "you broke up this family" etc etc
-control freak to the max. For example, she was upset cause I sent her money on 8/6 instead of 8/5. She makes over 120k a year and has a very modest mortgage...

Move on. You've just wiped the lipstick off of a pig. Just like you can't turn a wh0re into a housewife, you can't turn a b1tch into a nurturer.

Where could I improve?

I dislike almost all the advice in this thread; it's all tactics. Given that you have 50% time with your kids it seems you care and whether we like it or not, a bad really bad ex can hurt your future prospects.

First, she won't learn anything from you. Not a d4mn thing. She will grow only through the advice of her social support, her next boyfriend, the court or a counselor. Has anyone ever met a b1tch that became a better person because of a guys wit, discourse or logic? I don't think so.

Forcing your ex to only use text or email won't make anything better either, it will just make her angrier. In all truth you need her to grow as a human into a better mother. It probably won't happen anytime soon. How do you help? Start by giving her simple boundaries. One I started with that worked very well was a cutoff time for calls in the evening (i.e. 6pm). You will probably need to block all her calls for it to work.

B1tches are notorious for unending attempts at trying to subjugate/dominate a man, esp in divorce. The only way to regain alpha with a b1tch is sadly through regaining power, i.e. the hard way.

 

[Roober]

Thanks for the great responses guys and gals. I will get back to this soon.

 

[FMCSMT]

3 kids, married 11, dated 6

Do automatic withholding. The late complaint will be forever gone. It's a much better life for you.

I have ex wife extremism. I walked from her but kept the house, stuff and 50/50.

False restraining orders overturned, child protective worker almost lost her job and will if she comes at us again and she knows it.

Cops have been to my house 6 times. Each time to apologize.

The list goes on.

Our Family Wizard is what we use. My attorney is attached and can view all messages.

This still is not enough.

She has turned into a true piece of shvt post separation and the best thing I've done is ignore her completely. They will lure you in with kid related discussions. Do not entertain any communication whatsoever.

Never answer the phone or text. Even if she just wants a kids bag (that was in her car the whole time) but is really wanting to yell at me in front of the kids...again.

It's been over 2 years. She remarried right away and he is a steep downgrade (based on popular opinion and most say I'm being extremely nice in that description).

She is worse today than the day she moved out.

She is labeled "Nope" in my phone.

Go cold. Go ghost. It's the best advice I can give. Or continue the life that you have been.

 

[Dingo]

She sounds crazy....

Communication to a minimum and documented.

Let your attorney do your talking....

 

[btownbuck2012]

Let me start by saying we have two kids together, so completely removing myself is not an option.

Background
-Dated 5 years, married 9 years
-Split in January 2016
-Two boys, 4 and 6
-223 schedule and 50% custody
-I walked out and she still holds resentment
-In final stages of divorce, but she is incredibly petty. For example, she wants to talk with them on the phone every single night I have them. Often times, she had seen them that morning or a couple hours prior.

What I have discovered since the separation
-wildly vindictive
-keeps score like a mofo... still brings up "you broke up this family" etc etc
-control freak to the max. For example, she was upset cause I sent her money on 8/6 instead of 8/5. She makes over 120k a year and has a very modest mortgage...

Where could I improve?
-I am forgetful and often forget to communicate things

Why do I need help?
1. She won't ever accept her own mistakes, but consistently points out mine. Is this something I just have to deal with?
2. When we actually talk, there is a constant barrage of passive aggressive verbal attacks. How to best deal with this?
3. Will bring up old issues over and over and over.
4. She brings up an issue and I have legitimate questions, then get the "your being a d1ck schpeal..." It is sort of a "how dare you question me?" How do I tell her... "Listen bish, I am just asking a simple fvcking question, there is no harm in asking questions..." probably one of our biggest points of contention is when I question her on things... best approach here?
5. Drags on about stupid little things like paying her a day late. I mean, do I really just have to be perfect to make her happy? I feel like even if I match her expectations, she will change the rules...

Any help would be greatly appreciated... my current lady is very transparent and I feel like I get her womane5e. I really can't understand my ex and figure out an angle to approach her. Maybe it's impossible?

What caused you to file for divorce? What was the final straw? I'm sure it's already been touched upon in other threads so I apologize if I'm asking you to rehash anything, but I'd be curious to hear.