Help with ex-wife?

[marmel75]

Let me start by saying we have two kids together, so completely removing myself is not an option.

Background
-Dated 5 years, married 9 years
-Split in January 2016
-Two boys, 4 and 6
-223 schedule and 50% custody
-I walked out and she still holds resentment
-In final stages of divorce, but she is incredibly petty. For example, she wants to talk with them on the phone every single night I have them. Often times, she had seen them that morning or a couple hours prior.

What I have discovered since the separation
-wildly vindictive
-keeps score like a mofo... still brings up "you broke up this family" etc etc
-control freak to the max. For example, she was upset cause I sent her money on 8/6 instead of 8/5. She makes over 120k a year and has a very modest mortgage...

Where could I improve?
-I am forgetful and often forget to communicate things

Why do I need help?
1. She won't ever accept her own mistakes, but consistently points out mine. Is this something I just have to deal with?
2. When we actually talk, there is a constant barrage of passive aggressive verbal attacks. How to best deal with this?
3. Will bring up old issues over and over and over.
4. She brings up an issue and I have legitimate questions, then get the "your being a d1ck schpeal..." It is sort of a "how dare you question me?" How do I tell her... "Listen bish, I am just asking a simple fvcking question, there is no harm in asking questions..." probably one of our biggest points of contention is when I question her on things... best approach here?
5. Drags on about stupid little things like paying her a day late. I mean, do I really just have to be perfect to make her happy? I feel like even if I match her expectations, she will change the rules...

Any help would be greatly appreciated... my current lady is very transparent and I feel like I get her womane5e. I really can't understand my ex and figure out an angle to approach her. Maybe it's impossible?

When you say walked out, you just left the house one day and bounced never talking to her before hand or requesting a divorce?

 

[Roober]

This is a bit long… so here goes

How come you are paying her if you have joint custody if you don't mind me asking?
As above it does sound like she thinks you are still hers (but without having to **** you) I definitely wouldn't have her calling you every night.

Does she want you back?

She will actually be paying me. However, if you have joint custody, but one ex makes more, they will pay. Not sure if she wants me back. She says “God no”, but her actions of creating conflict seem to suggest otherwise.

She feels you betrayed her and is going to punish you the rest of your life for it.
Why did u walk?
Did u cheat on her?

It certainly feels like she wants to punish me for the rest of my life. No cheating, just imagine being with someone that tries to control everything. I don’t really know how to explain it without giving examples, but she basically made me feel pretty worthless. Stuff like being at a grocery store and striking up random conversation, then her saying “they don’t want to talk to you, just be quiet”, when they are obviously actively engaged. She refused to kiss me if I didn’t shave all the time. She would offer to do something for the boys, then say, “well, you were too lazy to do this…” I mean, I could go on and on…

When you say walked out, you just left the house one day and bounced never talking to her before hand or requesting a divorce?

No, what I meant here was that it was my choice to end the marriage. We tried counseling for a year, I told her she makes me miserable several years prior, etc. In January 2016, I said I wanted a divorce and I gradually spent less and less time at the house over the course of two months

@dude99 great info. Initially, I was trying to be cordial and good, but it always just became mudslinging. It was like all the previous crap I dealt with, but no more filters. We are supposed to meet this week to hash out some of the divorce issues. And you gave me some good ideas on how to handle it if it gets off track.

I have noticed I have a difficult time when she brings up the boys. Constant plugs like “Well, I always have to think about the boys first and what is good for them. My life is all about them…” This often comes after something I mention like keeping them out late (ie. 930pm) one night.

@BeExcellent Agreed! Since the divorce, she has said numerous times… “I have zero respect for you and no reason to respect you.” I only realized recently that she has never really respected me. One on one, she won’t even attempt to stand up to me. She waits until she has an audience.

She says she doesn’t respect me cause I wanted the divorce. She feels 1 year of therapy and 3 years me telling her I am unhappy are insufficient. I remember the first time in 2012, I told her “I am just not that happy”… she started crying and asked me, “Why are you so mean to me? What did I ever do to you?” Which is not what I was saying….

I feel like the balance has shifted in recent months as I have begun to ignore her more and more. However, I still have a hard time when the boys get brought up. She will say I am a great father, but in the same breath say that all I care about is myself... I am very actively involved with my boys. When I disagree with her, she uses this as ammunition against me.

We did t-ball with my youngest, and it was expensive and the coaches were absolute crap. I told her this and gave her specific examples about how they started late, were so disorganized the kids were often just sitting around. I did not want to continue using that program. She tells my son "Daddy doesn't want you to do tball any more..." It's subtle, but for a 4-year old, he sees this as a bad thing...

For example, in co-parenting counseling, the counselor asked, “what does he do well as a father?” She just laughed, paused for about a minute and mentioned something insignificant. I didn’t react, but that did not feel good…

Over the years, she said many times.. “you think you are just so perfect. You are so quick to tell me what I am doing wrong, but look at you, you act like your perfect.” This is when I would mention something so minor, like not paying attention to her oil change indicator on her car…

@Howiestern what you described is identical to what I have experienced. Mom left dad when my ex was very young because he was a raging alcoholic. He died when she was 6 or so, and only visited on holidays, often showing up drunk or not at all. During the 13 years we were married, she never wanted to visit grave site or do anything revolved around him or his family. My ex has 3 sisters, two are from two different dads (ie. 4 girls, 3 dads). I always felt like since her stepdad was in the picture for 20+ years, he filled that role.

Conflict resolution just feels absolutely impossible at times. If we don’t agree, I am not negotiating or being a "d1ck"… It has become comical…


TLDR: Do not date, let alone marry a woman that has 3 sisters from 2 different dads

 

[exhausted]

This is a bit long… so here goes




She will actually be paying me. However, if you have joint custody, but one ex makes more, they will pay. Not sure if she wants me back. She says “God no”, but her actions of creating conflict seem to suggest otherwise.



It certainly feels like she wants to punish me for the rest of my life. No cheating, just imagine being with someone that tries to control everything. I don’t really know how to explain it without giving examples, but she basically made me feel pretty worthless. Stuff like being at a grocery store and striking up random conversation, then her saying “they don’t want to talk to you, just be quiet”, when they are obviously actively engaged. She refused to kiss me if I didn’t shave all the time. She would offer to do something for the boys, then say, “well, you were too lazy to do this…” I mean, I could go on and on…



No, what I meant here was that it was my choice to end the marriage. We tried counseling for a year, I told her she makes me miserable several years prior, etc. In January 2016, I said I wanted a divorce and I gradually spent less and less time at the house over the course of two months

@dude99 great info. Initially, I was trying to be cordial and good, but it always just became mudslinging. It was like all the previous crap I dealt with, but no more filters. We are supposed to meet this week to hash out some of the divorce issues. And you gave me some good ideas on how to handle it if it gets off track.

I have noticed I have a difficult time when she brings up the boys. Constant plugs like “Well, I always have to think about the boys first and what is good for them. My life is all about them…” This often comes after something I mention like keeping them out late (ie. 930pm) one night.

@BeExcellent Agreed! Since the divorce, she has said numerous times… “I have zero respect for you and no reason to respect you.” I only realized recently that she has never really respected me. One on one, she won’t even attempt to stand up to me. She waits until she has an audience.

She says she doesn’t respect me cause I wanted the divorce. She feels 1 year of therapy and 3 years me telling her I am unhappy are insufficient. I remember the first time in 2012, I told her “I am just not that happy”… she started crying and asked me, “Why are you so mean to me? What did I ever do to you?” Which is not what I was saying….

I feel like the balance has shifted in recent months as I have begun to ignore her more and more. However, I still have a hard time when the boys get brought up. She will say I am a great father, but in the same breath say that all I care about is myself... I am very actively involved with my boys. When I disagree with her, she uses this as ammunition against me.

We did t-ball with my youngest, and it was expensive and the coaches were absolute crap. I told her this and gave her specific examples about how they started late, were so disorganized the kids were often just sitting around. I did not want to continue using that program. She tells my son "Daddy doesn't want you to do tball any more..." It's subtle, but for a 4-year old, he sees this as a bad thing...

For example, in co-parenting counseling, the counselor asked, “what does he do well as a father?” She just laughed, paused for about a minute and mentioned something insignificant. I didn’t react, but that did not feel good…

Over the years, she said many times.. “you think you are just so perfect. You are so quick to tell me what I am doing wrong, but look at you, you act like your perfect.” This is when I would mention something so minor, like not paying attention to her oil change indicator on her car…

@Howiestern what you described is identical to what I have experienced. Mom left dad when my ex was very young because he was a raging alcoholic. He died when she was 6 or so, and only visited on holidays, often showing up drunk or not at all. During the 13 years we were married, she never wanted to visit grave site or do anything revolved around him or his family. My ex has 3 sisters, two are from two different dads (ie. 4 girls, 3 dads). I always felt like since her stepdad was in the picture for 20+ years, he filled that role.

Conflict resolution just feels absolutely impossible at times. If we don’t agree, I am not negotiating or being a "d1ck"… It has become comical…


TLDR: Do not date, let alone marry a woman that has 3 sisters from 2 different dads

Oh I get it!
3 years w a cluster b CONTROL freak even admitted it to me.
The clostes person I have ever bonded with then became the cruelest I've ever known.
I'm a tough guy and she literally killed my heart thro punishment and cruelty

 

[MrAddiction]

TLDR: Do not date, let alone marry a woman that has 3 sisters from 2 different dads

And to add: nor has daddy issues of any kind

 

[speed dawg]

I will go ahead and give another recommendation for the journal part of it - write everything down, keep in some sort of file. You should do this in any explosive situation, whether it's professional or personal.

As far as your whole relationship - it sounds as if she had low IL, but refused to leave you for whatever reason. Is she attractive? Has she gained weight? Is there any reason why, assuming she wanted to branch swing, that she wouldn't have done it? I'm not trying to be hard on you here, but some type of need in this relationship wasn't being met. If it wasn't low IL for you, and she's still attracted to you, you must have failed to meet some other need, to have her acting this insecure. Did you act as if you didn't give a f*ck about her?

I think that might be your problem right there, from my POV. You need to start giving a f*ck about things.

 

[Roober]

I will go ahead and give another recommendation for the journal part of it - write everything down, keep in some sort of file. You should do this in any explosive situation, whether it's professional or personal.

As far as your whole relationship - it sounds as if she had low IL, but refused to leave you for whatever reason. Is she attractive? Has she gained weight? Is there any reason why, assuming she wanted to branch swing, that she wouldn't have done it? I'm not trying to be hard on you here, but some type of need in this relationship wasn't being met. If it wasn't low IL for you, and she's still attracted to you, you must have failed to meet some other need, to have her acting this insecure. Did you act as if you didn't give a f*ck about her?

I think that might be your problem right there, from my POV. You need to start giving a f*ck about things.

Agreed! I keep lots of notes. Things have cooled quite a bit, but that is mostly because we communicate very little nowadays. She takes care of herself, eats clean, and is very slender, but I would say a 5 in looks. Looking at her now, I keep wondering why I stuck it out through marriage. I always questioned the attraction as we used lube all the time. Always thought that was weird... definitely wasn't pushing the right buttons.... It is funny that when I started to distance myself, this changed completely...

She often said "you act like you don't care about me", but this would be after going out with the guys for the first time in 3 months or refusing to sit next to her while she watched Law and Order.

 

[dude99]

This is a bit long… so here goes




She will actually be paying me. However, if you have joint custody, but one ex makes more, they will pay. Not sure if she wants me back. She says “God no”, but her actions of creating conflict seem to suggest otherwise.



It certainly feels like she wants to punish me for the rest of my life. No cheating, just imagine being with someone that tries to control everything. I don’t really know how to explain it without giving examples, but she basically made me feel pretty worthless. Stuff like being at a grocery store and striking up random conversation, then her saying “they don’t want to talk to you, just be quiet”, when they are obviously actively engaged. She refused to kiss me if I didn’t shave all the time. She would offer to do something for the boys, then say, “well, you were too lazy to do this…” I mean, I could go on and on…



No, what I meant here was that it was my choice to end the marriage. We tried counseling for a year, I told her she makes me miserable several years prior, etc. In January 2016, I said I wanted a divorce and I gradually spent less and less time at the house over the course of two months

@dude99 great info. Initially, I was trying to be cordial and good, but it always just became mudslinging. It was like all the previous crap I dealt with, but no more filters. We are supposed to meet this week to hash out some of the divorce issues. And you gave me some good ideas on how to handle it if it gets off track.

I have noticed I have a difficult time when she brings up the boys. Constant plugs like “Well, I always have to think about the boys first and what is good for them. My life is all about them…” This often comes after something I mention like keeping them out late (ie. 930pm) one night.

@BeExcellent Agreed! Since the divorce, she has said numerous times… “I have zero respect for you and no reason to respect you.” I only realized recently that she has never really respected me. One on one, she won’t even attempt to stand up to me. She waits until she has an audience.

She says she doesn’t respect me cause I wanted the divorce. She feels 1 year of therapy and 3 years me telling her I am unhappy are insufficient. I remember the first time in 2012, I told her “I am just not that happy”… she started crying and asked me, “Why are you so mean to me? What did I ever do to you?” Which is not what I was saying….

I feel like the balance has shifted in recent months as I have begun to ignore her more and more. However, I still have a hard time when the boys get brought up. She will say I am a great father, but in the same breath say that all I care about is myself... I am very actively involved with my boys. When I disagree with her, she uses this as ammunition against me.

We did t-ball with my youngest, and it was expensive and the coaches were absolute crap. I told her this and gave her specific examples about how they started late, were so disorganized the kids were often just sitting around. I did not want to continue using that program. She tells my son "Daddy doesn't want you to do tball any more..." It's subtle, but for a 4-year old, he sees this as a bad thing...

For example, in co-parenting counseling, the counselor asked, “what does he do well as a father?” She just laughed, paused for about a minute and mentioned something insignificant. I didn’t react, but that did not feel good…

Over the years, she said many times.. “you think you are just so perfect. You are so quick to tell me what I am doing wrong, but look at you, you act like your perfect.” This is when I would mention something so minor, like not paying attention to her oil change indicator on her car…

@Howiestern what you described is identical to what I have experienced. Mom left dad when my ex was very young because he was a raging alcoholic. He died when she was 6 or so, and only visited on holidays, often showing up drunk or not at all. During the 13 years we were married, she never wanted to visit grave site or do anything revolved around him or his family. My ex has 3 sisters, two are from two different dads (ie. 4 girls, 3 dads). I always felt like since her stepdad was in the picture for 20+ years, he filled that role.

Conflict resolution just feels absolutely impossible at times. If we don’t agree, I am not negotiating or being a "d1ck"… It has become comical…


TLDR: Do not date, let alone marry a woman that has 3 sisters from 2 different dads

Sounds like i was correct in my assumption, this is why she is single. She had zero respect for you as a human being and she just emotionally and mentally wore you down.

The reason why she is being so combative and picking fights is simple. Your words

"Iwas trying to be cordial and good,"

She didn't respect you. She had no intentions of being cordial herself. She knew you would. So she took advantage of that.

Moving forward treat her exactly how she treats you. I repeat. Treat her exactly how she treats you. Stick to the advicd i gave you and then it will eventually open her eyes.

It may not change the fabric of who she is., but she will realize you refuse to take her shït anymore

 

[dude99]

Agreed! I keep lots of notes. Things have cooled quite a bit, but that is mostly because we communicate very little nowadays. She takes care of herself, eats clean, and is very slender, but I would say a 5 in looks. Looking at her now, I keep wondering why I stuck it out through marriage. I always questioned the attraction as we used lube all the time. Always thought that was weird... definitely wasn't pushing the right buttons.... It is funny that when I started to distance myself, this changed completely...

She often said "you act like you don't care about me", but this would be after going out with the guys for the first time in 3 months or refusing to sit next to her while she watched Law and Order.

Great idea. Document everything.

I have a buddy who was in your shoes avour 3 years ago. He followed the same advice. Just to give you a heads up. She will be a complete cow for a while, but when they realize you wont budge they eventual learn.

My buddy even resorted to recording every conversation with her. Told her he was doing it. She blew up huge (and he recoded that too) but it was amazing how the threats and insults started to taper down when he said "just a sec, i got to start the digital recorder. "

 

[BeExcellent]

Hang in there @Roober and be your own best advocate about how you parent. She is not going to say nice things to you or about you...especially if she feels she is losing the ability to intimidate & control you.

You are an involved dad. Mention to the mediator about the t ball incident and how she took that opportunity to paint you as a bad guy to the boys. THAT is not good for your kids & your attorney & mediators & counselors NEED to be made aware that sort of manipulative damaging behavior is happening. Don't blow it off. That exact type of behavior is what they give parenting classes about.

It's worst right now. It gets better I promise.

 

[speed dawg]

I always questioned the attraction as we used lube all the time. Always thought that was weird... definitely wasn't pushing the right buttons.... It is funny that when I started to distance myself, this changed completely...

She often said "you act like you don't care about me", but this would be after going out with the guys for the first time in 3 months or refusing to sit next to her while she watched Law and Order.

Yeah.....this is a common problem. Have to maintain that attraction, or it all goes downhill. Most married men totally ignore this. It starts with your own masculinity, again, you have to know what you want....can't just drift through life letting the wife make all the plans. After that, you have to do the little things that keep them wanting you. Have to do the seduction game.

Stuff like sitting on the couch watching TV is a damned attraction killer. I try not to do that unless the night is over, I'm tired and I've decided I don't want to get laid.

 

[Roober]

Well.... let's see... there are a couple issues and I just want to put this BS behind me... I have two season tickets accounts, both of which I used some inheritance money to purchase.

Warriors - no license, but transferred inheritance into a mutual account to pay for this. Have used combination of inheritance and mutual funds to pay for these yearly
Niners - 30k license fee which I used my inheritance

Deposits from sales of both tickets went into a separate Paypal account I have. Bills paid from credit card, money transferred from paypal to pay credit card...

I want to keep both, but I am thinking I have to just write this off and split both accounts... The Warriors seat license is coming up and it will be a big one, probably close to 60k.

Should I just let her have half of both accounts? Can the judge resolve this for us? How does this work?

 

[Roober]

Well, let's see....

She wants...
-half ownership of my Niner season tickets
-half ownership of my Warrior season tickets
-zero spousal support
-197 child support
-pay 150k to buy me out of house (total equity is 450k)

I want...
-full ownership of Niner season tickets
-full ownership of Warrior season tickets
-about $200 spousal support
-about $650 child support
-225k for house (half of the equity)

1. I paid for both season tickets with some inheritance money, but I did commingle funds. It literally was like... I paid with my credit card, we transfered money to bank, then paid off credit card. From what I have read, it would be tough sledding to prove it is mine completely. Warriors make me about 10k a year, Niners lose about 3k a year.

2. I don't really need support, but she tried to take the boys from me and I am still a bit bitter about it. Additionally, if I start making more money, support would be negligible. My thought is drop it now because she may come for it later if I make more than her (which I plan to).

3. The house... how the h3ll does this get resolved? She wants to give me less than half of the equity?

Part of me wants to just give her what she wants just to put it behind me. We could probably be done with it in a month or two. The other part of me says "fvck her", I would rather let a judge decide. She is basically not budging or negotiating at all, but "it's my fault" that this is dragging on...

I really don't want this to drag on for another year or two... it just seems ridiculous, but I also don't want to give her what she wants... most "quick" divorces are because one party (usually the guy) just says "fvck it", hence the reason why most men get bent over backwards in divorce...

any insight would be appreciated

 

[Three]

@Roober - Much depends on your jurisdiction, but I would try to go through mediation on all this stuff. My ex and I worked out all the details ahead of time and saved thousands. In fact, I think I only paid $500 for the legal fee plus a couple hundred for mediation. You could try to split the difference on everything other than the house. With that, you should go for half. Anything else is just unreasonable.

Mediation is the best course if you can both agree to it. Most mediators will chuck out anything that's off the wall unreasonable. If there's not a great income disparity, 50/50 will likely be the split on most things unless you brought it into the relationship and can document. You will have to concede on some things (hopefully minor) to wrap this up quickly, but it will be worth it to put it behind you. Just don't accept anything that is grossly unfair or that you won't be able to live with. In the end, be realistic and you will get past this.

Also, I totally agree with the great advice above to not engage in any emotional stuff. No good can come of that.