Are boundaries best communicated covertly or overtly?

[wifehunter]

isn't that clearly a sign of a bad quality woman.. you are making her aware of something that may not be acceptable..

and she clearly dismisses you... staying quiet may also project to her, that you are not willing stand up for yourself.. or you are not serious about your boundaries.

If it comes to that, I walk.

 

[mikey2012]

Silence, speaks loudly, in this case.

She's testing. Don't react, by going into it.

Say, and do, nothing.

Nada

Agree with this. It may seem Alpha to give her a good ticking off (which you can use sparingly) but usually go silent go ghost. Always be in control of the situation. If its a bad quality woman, just walk away.

 

[mikey2012]

yes I agree... but what if the other person becomes defensive, or dismissive and does not feel there behaviour is inappropriate..

or feels like a victim, because you called them out

Dont call them out then. Just walk.

 

[Masculinity]

what if she reacts in a dismissive manner, if you verbally communicate your boundaries..

Some woman are defensive, will not accept responsibility or they feel they are above setting boundaries.

many have a complete victim mentality, no matter what

If it's a boundary that's very important to you, I would stick to it or she misses out on your company. I've had women try to violate my boundaries. Dogs, babies, and grown people do the same thing to see how much they can get away with--its human nature.

Depending on the severity of what they did I would give them up to two warnings, the third one would be not hanging out with her again. I had a girl who would interrupt me, talk back when I was speaking to her, and be overall rude (think of a 15 year told talking back to her parents). And when called out on her B.S., she would say "this is just the way I am." I told her "I'm not going to tolerate that kind of behavior." I withdrew attention the first time and she complied, coming back to me. She did it a second time, to which I said "I'm not going to tolerate disrespect from anybody, including you. If you do that one more time, you need to find yourself a new place a new guy who puts up with your bullish!t." She looked at me and hasn't done it since.

You have to show them who's the leader in the relationship. If it's not you, you're probably going to end up being her b!tch.

 

[sazc]

This is a GREAT book on the subject (yes, I have read it)

Bondaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life
By Cloud and Townsend

It's on Amazon

Contrary to popular belief, I don't pull random wisdom out of my a$$ (or my cvunt, yea, I knew you were going there )

I've done a lot of reading on many subjects.

I will also take a sec to refer back to the offers that the man is supposed to LEAD in the relationship. He sets the tone, tempo, communication style. Truth should be the norm, unless it's cool for both of you to keep secrets.

 

[resilient]

I've read the book by Cloud and Townsend "Boundaries in Marriage". I liked it and learned of few things about communication styles, values, etc. The problem I had with my ex-wife is that she just used manipulative tactics with boundaries to distort, twist, or leverage power over me instead of using them to establish a healthy environment that came from balance and mutual respect. Boundaries can be finicky and warp attraction if not handled correctly.

 

[sazc]

@resilient
I saw the marriage boundary book when I was just looking for this one. I didn't know they had it.

The boundaries book I suggested revealed to me the ways I was being a martyr, etc with my boundaries, helped me identify when people were trying to abuse/not be respectful of/manipulate my boundaries (eg by using guilt, etc) AND helped me understand that it was okay to be firm on my own boundaries & of the other person threw a tantrum, that was their issue/baggage.

Did the marriage book help you identify the manipulation tactics with your wife? Or did she read the book and attempt to twist the info to manipulate you?

 

[resilient]

Yes, yet the problem I encountered with calling her out on her behavior is that she quickly invalidated my reproach to shift the blame on me for her present behavior, so she never had to own up or accept any responsibility for the conflict. Never apologized. Rarely if ever compromised (which came at a heavy cost: resentment, lower IL, stonewalling, withdrawing, less affection and/or sex). For example, "you knew I always had guy friends and still plan to, you're just insecure who I spend and talk with when I'm not with you." She was a skilled master at deflecting being called out for her behavior.

 

[EmotionalGeek]

yes I agree... but what if the other person becomes defensive, or dismissive and does not feel there behaviour is inappropriate..

or feels like a victim, because you called them out

If this is recurring patter then she is crazy assuming you really called her out on something wrong not something you just imagine wrong.

I can tell you from my own experience because whenever I tried to tell something that I do not like to my mother she yelled at me, played victim and accused that I always attack her. So when I was in high school I started to avoid her and not talk to her (I could not discuss this with her because at the time I did not understand her behavior and even if I tried she would play victim and attack me). After I moved out she started to change her self -- probably because she felt lonely. After many years I still don't to her to much even though I visit her regularly. I also feel bad when looking her in the eyes.

So if you like me you won't stand this kind of behavior for long and your relationship will fall apart anyway. So it may be better to clarify things as early as possible (if you want relationship).

 

[bigneil]

Boundaries are best communicated with barbed wire.

 

[bigneil]

The weaker person attempts to set the boundaries for the stronger person, fearing that person will stray otherwise. This has the opposite effect, communicating your fears, whining, expressing inferiority, and admitting you know she can find better. She will simply resent you and often do the exact opposite of what you ask.

 

[sazc]

@bigneil you need to think "bigger"

You commentary seems to be coming from a scarcity mindset.

If a female is going to"do the exact opposite" of the boundary you communicated, that female is not only immature, but is already resentful, and definitely does NOT have your, or the relationships, best interest at heart. She needs to be dropped hard, and quickly.

Setting boundaries in a relationship, while inclusive of behavior around the opposite sex, has MUCH more to do than simply trying to " keep someone from straying"....

It has to do with how you treat the other person as a whole, how you treat the relationship, how much value you show for the relationship, addressing the other person's needs, not being disrespectful, etc.

If you are solely working your boundaries from a place of keeping her from cheating, you've already lost, in a big way.

 

[ubercat]

Mostly covertly. Withdraw attention, ignore or NEXT. Confrontation can be used but only sparingly for maximum effect.

Mike touches on an important Point here. I remember I study looking at maintaining any relationship and basically the ratio of positive to negative experiences had to be 4 to 1. The occasional fight is good but it needs to be very occasional. Women are like horses they need to be treated with a light hand.

 

[ubercat]

@soulforge your ex does sound like a pain in the ass. And I certainly wouldn't take any of my exes back they always turned out to be wrong for me in some fundamental respect.

However I also recognise my faults in the relationship. It takes two to Tangle. I'm curious what issues do you think you caused in the relationship? Remember you can't outrun yourself.

 

[darksprezzatura]

I've discovered in an indirect overt way to communicate boundaries which worked for me so far.

Instead of directly confronting her and give her an ultimatum, use the story-telling way.

Make up a past situation when your boundaries were pushed the way she's pushing yours now and tell her how you responded calmly with a tinge of CnF.

 

[EmotionalGeek]

tinge of CnF

What does it mean?

 

[soulforge]

@soulforge your ex does sound like a pain in the ass. And I certainly wouldn't take any of my exes back they always turned out to be wrong for me in some fundamental respect.

However I also recognise my faults in the relationship. It takes two to Tangle. I'm curious what issues do you think you caused in the relationship? Remember you can't outrun yourself.

Off course it certainly takes two to tango.. and I am sure on some occasions i may have said or done something that may have pizzed her off.. in what relationship does that not happen..

We are all prone to make the odd mistake..

Pretty much all relationships have the odd disagreement or even the odd fight.. I believe its all about how you over come these issues, with good communication skills..

I have also been guilty of not communicating correctly on occasion with her... but I recognised this, and made a real effort to work on myself.

But one thing I can clearly say.. I never disrespected her in public, in front of people.. and generally did my very best not to disrespect her at all..

I personally believe my biggest mistake was, not dealing with incidents of disrespect from her correctly..

Instead of pointing it out to her.. or calling her out.. I should have walked and let my actions do all the talking..

I let her off too easily.. not walking away sooner was my biggest mistake..

My realisation is.. that she believed she was better than me.. and she didn't need to treat with with value.. she had plenty of options, so why bother making an effort.

 

[bigneil]

@bigneil you need to think "bigger"

You commentary seems to be coming from a scarcity mindset.

If a female is going to"do the exact opposite" of the boundary you communicated,

Needle off record - why should I communicate boundaries? There is only one reason: out of fear of not being good enough.

If I don't like her behavior, I stop responding to her pursuing me. I never tell her she can't do something. However, if she is chasing me, she will volunteer to improve.

It is someone with a scarcity mindset that communicates boundaries. Someone with abundance wants no commitments. Why are you trying to push the exact opposite of the truth lately? I'll tell you why. YOU THINK WE ARE WOMEN TOO.

Women set the boundaries, so sazc is only right in that context. Men do not set boundaries with women.

 

[bigneil]

@bigneil If you are solely working your boundaries from a place of keeping her from cheating, you've already lost, in a big way.

This is true, but you're the one who talked about boundaries.

BTW - I had my best ever month with my girlfriend after you wrote "good luck with that" when I talked about believing in her. Where is all this "lay down the law with your b!tch crap coming from with you?"

 

[sazc]

Needle off record - why should I communicate boundaries? There is only one reason: out of fear of not being good enough.

If I don't like her behavior, I stop responding to her pursuing me. I never tell her she can't do something. However, if she is chasing me, she will volunteer to improve.

It is someone with a scarcity mindset that communicates boundaries. Someone with abundance wants no commitments. Why are you trying to push the exact opposite of the truth lately? I'll tell you why. YOU THINK WE ARE WOMEN TOO.

Women set the boundaries, so sazc is only right in that context. Men do not set boundaries with women.

Someone who lives in the mind frame of abundance has the strength, intelligence and presence to communicate boundaries. I'm not talking simplistic @bigneil "boo hoo don't cheat on me" boundaries, I'm taking bigger picture "this is how you will treat me" boundaries. It's a LARGER topic than you originally commented on.

I don't expect you to be able to fully process what I am saying as you get triggered easily and, when that happens, you go off the rails and pull as many personal attacks out if your arsenal as you can. You're NEVER someone that is able to have a mutual give and take discussion with, ever.

I'm tired of taking about your "awesome stripper girlfriend with the filthy rich daddy who gives you the best ever month of dating every single month" ill refrain from being mean about someone I don't know. please find something else to shove ad nauseum down everyone's throats.

Toats done with you, for now