Wife cheated on me....need advice.

[The_Real_Batman]

I want to preface my story by saying I'm 6'4, 260lbs, lean/muscular with a full head of hair and no gray. My wife is 2 years older than me, her hair is white of she doesn't dye it every 2 weeks, and she gained a lot of weight in her midsection the last few years. She has a pretty face and a nice body otheewise, but she's always had self esteem issues, and she recently told me that she's jealous of me.

We never had a very sexual relationship, and we'd sometimes go months without sex, but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. I've purchased countless books on relationships and women, but I was never able to improve things. My effort was always one sided, as she has never met me halfway or put any effort in. I'll admit that I've displayed AFC/beta behavior, as I do things to try and make her life easier, and I'm very giving towards her physically. I'll rub her body for hours whIle we're watching a movie, give her oral during sex, etc but she won't do the same for me. I've even become self conscious and don't want or oral anymore after 10 years of not receiving it (I'm circumcised and have good hygiene).

About 2 years ago I found very explicit texts on her phone, and she was saying things to the guy that she never said to me, like: "I want you once inside of me and once on me", "I want to run my hands all over your body", "I have always been drawn to you", etc. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I confronted her about it a few weeks later, and she was very defensive and angry. She said it was just an old friend, and that she was just sexting because it made her feel better about herself. She said that she would never talk to him again and that it was over. This was all happening at the same I was losing one of my parents to a sudden illness.

About 3 months later I found an email on her computer to the same guy, and she was expressing intimate feelings for the same guy. I confronted about it, and she became defensive and again said that she wouldn't talk to him again. We had continual arguments in front of our kids in the following months, as she never wanted to discuss what happened, so it was never really resolved in my mind.

About 3 months after that I found a picture of my wife's neck with a hickey on it which was on her old cell phone that she had given my daughter, and she had seen it as well, although she didn't know what it was. I knew it wasn't from me, as we were in one of our 3 month slumps at the time. I eventually confronted her about it, and she claimed that she met the same guy in the parking lot of a coffee shop, and that they fooled around in the front seat of her car. She said that her clothes were only partially off, and that he came on her after rubbing up against her leg.

For about a year after that things just simmered, as she never wanted to discuss it any further, and she never seemed to show any remorse despite all the bad fights we had in front of our kids. I did try to contact him a few times, but he would always call my wife right away to warn her that I was reaching out to him, and she would get angry at me for calling him.

I recently found about 50+ pictures of her in different sexy bras and with her hair done and makeup on. She had sent the pictures to the same guy, and the expression on her face was telling, as it was a happy/excited look. She never sent any pictures like that to me, and the only ones she did send me in the past were only after I begged for them, and even then she had a pained expression on her face. I confronted her about the pictures, and once again we got into a series of arguments in front of our kids for several days. Rather than showing remorse, she was angry and said that I hacked into her phone, which I didn't. She swore that was all she sent him, and that she never sent any fully nude pics.

I finally spoke to the guy by phone, and he said that my wife had painted a bad picture of me, and that he thought we were getting divorced. He laughed at the coffee shop story and said that he wasn't a teenager, and that he had sex with my wife at a hotel. He said that my wife initiated with him, and he knew that she wanted sex right from the beginning. He also said that my wife sent the pictures without him even asking for them. He said that she never sent him any fully nuse pics, and he promised that he was "bowing out" and that he wouldn't bother us anymore. He also supposedly told her that he was never getting married again after recently getting divorced. My wife was angry that I talked to him, and she initially denied meeting him in a hotel, even after he told me about it. BTW, the guy wasn't even good looking, as he wasn't in good shape and he looked much older than me.

I also called my wife's ex husband, who she claimed had cheated on her and left her for another woman. He told me the opposite, that she cheated on him, and that she may have been pregnant with another man's baby and had an abortion while they were married. He said that he left her in the midst of her confessing about an affair. He also told me that she had a male "friend" who's been her lover for 20+ years, and that there were allegations of inappropriate behavior between the two of them while they worked for the same employer (she was his boss).

Anyways, she's still friends with this other guy, and I'm addition to the affair she had with male #1, I also found recent emails on her computer asking male #2 to meet her while she's away on business. She took a job with very frequent travel about a year ago, and she was away for 16 weeks last year, with her most recent trip to Vegas with a huge room and a king sized bed. She also met male #2 at a get together with old friends recently, and she got all dressed and made up before she left. I know that male #2 is in the area again, so I tried to reach out to him, and he responded by emailing that he's her friend and not mine, that I have no evidence on him, that he doesn't care if she had an affair or if we stay married, and that he was going to call my employer and get me fired. I was shocked that he'd react in this way if he was truly her friend.

Since all of this has happened my wife has gone to see a counselor to help her with her "problems". I told her that I wanted to know why she did what she did, and whether or not this would happen again. She told me that she was sorry and that she loved me and wanted to stay together, but he actions haven't matched her words. We had sex a few times since then, but it was always at my initiation, and she was reluctant at first, and it was mostly me pleasing her and her allowing me to use her to get off. I've purchased even more books about post affair recovery, and I find articles on the Internet which I send to her everyday, but she never responds. Ive also sent her many lengthy texts explaining some of the issues, but again she never really responds or even acknowledges them.

I would leave if it weren't for my kids, as one of my children is disabled, and a psychologist recently told us that they would be destroyed of we got divorced. My wife also makes 2.5x more money than me, and she has already threatened that I won't get a dime and I won't see my kids if we get divorced. I understand that I partly ended up in this situation because of beta behavior over the years, as I recently started reading The Rational Male, but what I want to know is if there's any chance of resurrecting a marriage after a woman has cheated and repeatedly lied to her husband. Our marriage was in trouble before she decided to have this affair, but now it's even more fragile after the devastation she's caused. I also recently found a charge for a local hotel on our CC (from a year ago), and she blamed it on me and said she had to get a room after we argued, but that she decided not to stay and came home the same night. When I asked her about it she said "**** you" and threw the bank statement in my face right in front of a marriage counselor. Anyways, I know most people will tell me to leave her ASAP, but I also want to hear if there is any way to salvage things. Thanks in advance for your advice.

 

[btownbuck2012]

I'll be looking forward to hearing the replies from the older posters here, but my 2 cents:

1. Definitely the supplicating, weaker type of behavior on your part
and
2. This woman sounds like a total scumbag. I mean that story about her pictures on your daughters cell phone? What kind of an awful human being would expose her children to that?

 

[BlueAlpha1]

Your relationship is not only dead, it was dead years ago. There is a 0% chance of fixing it. You will never trust this demoness again, and she will never respect you again. The only solution is to leave immediately.

You may get some empathy as we've all been with a deviant woman (though most wouldn't have gotten to this level), however you'll get no sympathy. Everything after the first revelation of cheating you brought upon yourself. You probably should have left before the revelation, as soon as she started denying you sex more than 25% of the time. That was enough to know she was cheating.

You don't need her money and it's pitiful that you would consider staying because of that. Your kids? Well, the good news is even though the courts are biased, you have enough documentation to prove your worthiness as a parent to at least get a shared custody. Save everything including any admissions of guilt on her end, emails from the other man, and receipts showing hotel fees, etc. Start viewing her as the enemy and get ready to fight her because a divorce is coming. There is nothing to compromise, she will be ruthless and you best be ready.

Good luck.

 

[sazc]

There is always the chance that you can save your marriage, always BUT it takes BOTH parties willing to do the work. I'm not sure you have that.

My best advice to you is to document EVERYTHING to cover your A$$ in the event you divorce. If she is found unfit, you can get the kids, child support, maybe alimony, etc.

Good luck

 

[BlueAlpha1]

There is always the chance that you can save your marriage, always BUT it takes BOTH parties willing to do the work. I'm not sure you have that.

Oh my god...

This is twice today that I've read well-intended women spouting PREPOSTEROUS fem-centric cliches that prove my point. Women never betray the tribe or the feminine imperative. All this OP is looking for is a shred of false hope for a marriage that has been dead a couple years already, and you unwittingly gave it to him with the first half of your sentence.

She cheated on him AND was without remorse. There is NO CHANCE to save this marriage with this predatory female, even if SHE wakes up tomorrow and BEGS him to work it all out.

For the record, marriage counselors represent the most useless and misandric profession on the face of the earth. I don't recall if the OP has been to one, but if you haven't, don't go.

 

[sazc]

Lol, ohhhhhhh the drama!

 

[Once Bitten]

Dump her. A cheater cannot ever be counted on as faithful if you let her off the hook.

From a man with two cheating ex wives, both given second chances.

Make sure when dating, you just happen to throw in a comment around the third or fourth date that little fact. Will separate the Hoes from the Winners.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Because she will put her value above any man she's with if she is forgiven. TRUTH.

men need to see this.

 

[The_Real_Batman]

Thanks for all the sincere advice. I have a little more to say about my situation before I make a final decision.....

 

[Prime_Beef]

You cannot win at this. If your kids are nearing 18 then maybe a reason to attempt to buy time if nothing else.

Have a friend going thru this now. My question for you is: will this person be there for you taking care of things for you if you are deathly ill or injured? Why would you count on her to do the right thing then if she can't be counted on now? Thats what marriage is about.

 

[sodbuster]

SHE doesn't make th f%cking Divorce rules, the court DOES.... talk to a lawyer, I bet you get alimony and child support..... Drop her ass and find one willing to screw you silly. Don't marry that one with out a prenup and make sure it won't affect your alimony....

Therapists are usually worthless. I had ONE address a problem with my son, in a single appointment. HE was good, the rest? you could use their diploma to wipe your azz and get more value out of it

 

[Desdinova]

I'm absolutely surprised you've put up with that much and still haven't left. When I found proof that my wife was fvcking around, I immediately started planning on how I was going to end the marriage. There was no way in hell I was going to live with a fvcking cheating wh0re, regardless of us having a child.

I would leave if it weren't for my kids, as one of my children is disabled, and a psychologist recently told us that they would be destroyed of we got divorced.

Here's something that I've learned in life... YOU are the #1 priority in your life. YOU need to take care of yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself, then you're going to have difficulty taking care of a dependent.

The divorce is the worst part because your emotions are going to be all fvcked up. Try and have it go as quickly as possible while retaining as much as you can. Once the divorce is done, things calm down and you figure out how to work your life. As long as you have a routine, the kids will fall into it comfortably.

My wife also makes 2.5x more money than me, and she has already threatened that I won't get a dime and I won't see my kids if we get divorced.

It's better that she makes more money. You can make the call of whether you want to get child support from her or not. As far as getting to see your kids, that's for the courts to decide if she's not going to co-operate with you on custody.

I want to know is if there's any chance of resurrecting a marriage after a woman has cheated and repeatedly lied to her husband.

No. Not only that, even if you did resurrect the marriage, you've got a very detailed history of her cheating and you'll have to carry that with you for the rest of your life. There IS life after marriage, and from the sounds of it, you've got a better life waiting for you.

I'm still in disbelief that you've put up with as much as you have. I would have booted the bytch out a long time ago.

 

[The_Real_Batman]

There's another part of the story.....I was looking into her past recently, and I found out that she had a child while she was in college which she gave it up for adoption. We've been together over 16 years and she never said a word about it. The affair in addition to her lying about the child makes it impossible to trust her again. I've already moved my things to a separate room so it's clear to her that I'm serious. I told her I'm done unless she works a miracle to save the relationship. I feel like there's no harm in staying for a little while in order to get myself ready. I know I've had one-itis and that I've stayed too long, but her making more money as well as us having a disabled child has made it difficult to leave.

 

[Cosmos15]

It's so hard to trust a person who cheated on you. You can forgive her but you can never forget.

 

[Glassguy]

"I would leave if it wasnt for my kids".

Listen OP, your wife is a sociopath who lives 2 or more lives. She is a cheating wh0re and a liar and you put up with it.

You have 2 options:

1.) Leave. Now. Fvcking go. Enough is enough.

2.) Stay and be miserable. Dont b!tch about this again if you stay, because you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.

Blackmail the b!tch, do whatever. Get your kids and get the fvck out of there. Or stop talking about it and accept this lifestyle that you have allowed to own you.

Either way, the choice is yours. Nobody is putting a gun to your head to stay.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Your marriage is dead.

Find a good lawyer and get a consultation. You need to divorce this woman. The question Is when. And only you can decide that.

Expect the fight of your life. She does not care for you at all and does not respect you. Without a doubt, she is evil.

As much as you can, think logically, not emotionally as you go through this process. It will be the best thing for you and your children.

Remember that this is your life. You have a right to be happy and to live life on your own terms. Your only concern is your happiness and your children's well being. And remember, you can't help your kids unless you help yourself first.

-Augustus-

 

[Spinach]

Guess you really have only a couple choices. First, you can rationalize away the fact that your wife is a cheating slut, swallow hard and live with it. Or you can say f^ck you and start being a man. Kids will survive. You will survive. The money thing will work its self out one way or the other. Quit giving excuses for her behavior, grow a pair and get the hell out of dodge. Do your lawyer thing and don't look back. Or stay and put up with her crap as she will not change. Your decision on what kind of life you want to live. Good luck.

 

[The_Real_Batman]

I just wanted to see if there was anyone who saved their marriage after killing their beta and making some changes. There are other options aside from staying and putting up with her crap or leaving asap. I already moved to another room, and I could stay and just do my own thing until I'm ready to leave. I obviously can't continue with the way things were, and she knows that. I even offered her an open marriage just to see what she'd say, and she told me that she wants to stay married and she doesn't want anyone else. The troubling thing is that her actions don't match her words, and she doesn't seem to be trying. When I spoke about one of my kids being disabled, I should have said that it's of a nature that a divorce would exacerbate her behavioral problems. I have up my mind and I did talk to a divorce attorney, but I need some time to get organized before I leave, and I also don't want to just give her the house by default. In the meantime there is a slim chance for her to pull off a miracle if she did a 180 and put on 200% effort.

 

[jimjam]

Man, I thought I was bad. Read some of the responses I got here

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/ex-girlfrien-reemergence-blues.236727/

Sounds like your marriage is over. Best bet is to cut your losses, move on and rebuild. As painful as it is

Good luck

 

[Milano]

There is zero chance of her changing OP.

You have been abused for so many years that you are now addicted to pain. Read what you have posted here and try to imagine a friend or a brother going through what you have done. What would you have told him? You are afraid of the unknown, it is ok!

Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. She has zero morale in life and only cares for herself. Would you have done this to her? Probably not because you love her but she has no respect for you and a woman can not love someone she does not respect, therefore you must respect yourself first no matter what a woman does or says or she WILL cheat or leave you anyway.

Good news is you are tall and muscular so you should be able to find a hot one soon enough. Perhaps you never had to learn game because you were blessed from a young age but then this happens. A new chapter in your life has started, embrace it.

The kids want a happy dad. You cant change your soon to be ex wife but you can be a strong masculine role model for your children, thats a great gift.

 

[Bible_Belt]

A good lawyer would tell her to bait you into a domestic violence arrest, so she could get a restraining order, which gets an order of protection and you out of the house and establishes her as caregiver to the children. My mom did that to my dad - at the advice of the best attorney in town.

Oh, and you don't by any means have to actually hit her. The legal standard is that she merely has to have a reasonable feeling of being threatened. I think big scary guy yelling at her is probably enough. I don't know where you are, but yelling is actually illegal in California.