Very interesting man. You are right. That qoute made me realize why i liked her so much. Inside of me there is a clingy little boy. I guess i entered the clinger phase because that was inside of me all along. Maybe guys who are susceptible to BPDs are guys who find solace in codependency (with hot chicks).
This qoute made realize something. It should end the debate of whether women like alpha or beta traits. BPDs are along a female spectrum. The farther along you down that spectrum the more attractive the girl will find beta traits ( like clinginess). The more emotionally healthy ones dont find codependant traits very attractive. This is what i have been saying for a while. Emotionally unhealthy women go for men they can manipulate aka betas.
Exactly. And codependency's especially insidious, since a lot of the qualities--self-sacrifice, unconditional loyalty, making sure others know you care about them, putting other's needs before your own, etc., etc.--are socially-conditioned as 'honorable' qualities. In our society (maybe in most societies) a codependent person is a 'good person;' in a lot of family units a codependent person is a 'good person'--
not like all those 'selfish azzholes!' And people who aren't codependent are shamed--
Get back in your place; be a good boy; you OFFENDED ME--unless shame is 100% ineffective, in which case you can expect grudging respect, at worst, and possibly even admiration. But why is that the case?
Well, a codependent person is
useful; they're
easily controlled. You'll probably find that, especially in your relationships, especially with mom and dad and possibly with your friends, there are still actively codependent dynamics. And you'll probably find that as you attempt to eliminate codependent thought-patterns and behaviors, these same people won't let you escape that paradigm without a fight. And since you've been codependent from the day you reach cognizance, this will feel like a personal attack on the very essence of
who you are--but it's not, since codependence is the denial of self; it's just that you've built an ego around these qualities.
Narcissism, BPD, Codependency are all just different expressions of the same core disorder. For a codependent or a narcissist whose had a spin with a BPD this is a kick in the gut, but hear me out. In a childhood environment where the needs of the kid--and not just the 'needs'--aren't properly attended to, the child makes assumptions about what kind of behavior gets their needs met (or at least acknowledged): the reaction to those assumptions becomes the ego, that acknowledgement becomes supply. For a borderline the assumption is that
nobody loves me, I can't trust anyone, I'm a bad person, if I can get someone to stay with me despite my fvcked up behavior then that means I'm loveable, but they're going to abandon me anyway. Their supply--what validates their initial assumptions--is Idealization, Caretaking, & Abandonment (in that order). A narcissist makes the same assumptions, but their ego develops in the converse:
I'm a remarkable person, Other people are just too stupid to understand, I can take care of myself, Everyone should admire me, I can save other people. Their supply is Admiration, Validation, To feel Needed, To feel Special, To reassert their independence. A codependent make the same assumptions, but their ego develops outwardly. So it's more of a matter of,
If I'm a nice person people will love me, If I do the right thing people won't attack me, If I show how much I care, she'll never leave me, If I'm perfect no one will see how unlovable I am.
One's not better than the other--it's still manipulation. If I do this, I'll get that--that will make me feel good about myself--
Why won't you acknowledge meeeee. Depending on whether you get your supply of choice, you feel All Good or All Bad and feel that the source of supply, whether they're putting out, is All Good or All Bad. That's why it's futile to blame your BPDex. They're a lot more like you than you'd like to admit--and blame is a codependent thought that negates your own agency and sense of responsibility. It's also why it's so, so hard to reconcile the Perfect version of your ex with the Evil version of your ex--you still have to fight through that paradigm.
The good news is that it isn't your fault--it's just some dumb assumption you made as a kid since you didn't know any better and you grew up in an invalidating environment where Love = Performance and you didn't know how to love yourself or to fully accept all aspects of your flawed, natural self. First you need to dig deep to reach that initial assumption and to change it. Then you need to take steps to reassert your natural self, which your ego won't like at all--and to eventually accept yourself as a flawed individual, just like any other individual, who sometimes thinks or wants 'fvcked up' things & to prioritize your own needs first and then to give others only the excess. It's an extremely painful undertaking, but it's worth it on the other side. I can promise you unconditional self-love & self-acceptance is way better than any supply your ex (or anyone else) ever provided you--and once you reach that point, you won't really care how much of it was 'real to her' or how 'she wronged you' or how other girls compare to her.
