Got into my first real "fight" with girlfriend.

[narcissist]

Perhaps you wouldn't call it a fight. But heres what happened.

She was supposed to come over today to set up the christmas tree with me and my family, and we had it planned out for 2 weeks, and I specifically told her to take work off, which she said okay. She left it to last minute today to tell me she had to cancel to go to work, and I told her straight up "I am disappointed in you big time, this is not girlfriend behaviour. You should have let me know sooner." I wouldn't even had minded if she told me a couple days ago. But she didn't.

And she starts apologizing like crazy, but then treats it like no big deal. Then she goes on to ask me to do her a favour and help her with school work, which I said "Absolutely not. You can do it yourself" And she was like "WTF why?" like I am somehow obligated to help her even after her bullsh1t flaking. And then I straight up said "Okay you are actually cheesing me today. You are going to leave me alone for a few days, I don't want to talk anymore." ("cheesing me" means essentially bothering me) Which she then tried calling me, and was sending me messages apologizing and what not, but I am starting to think that her apologies are empty.

When I see her how should I address this? How would you men address a situation like this? Am I in the wrong? Let me know your thoughts on this situation, and specifically how I should address her about it when I see her, without being too much, because I don't want to make a huge deal out of it, I just want to let her know that I don't accept this behaviour. This is the first time something like this has happened and so I want to nip it in the butt.

 

[narcissist]

I know it seems petty, but I mean me and my girlfriend never get into fights, so this is literally the extent of our fights. However, I still need to nip this behaviour in the butt, no matter how petty you guys think this fight might be.

 

[Paul_FR]

Well, first of all, it all depends on how long you have been together...and how much this kind of fight will affect your next few days.

It seems that putting the tree up with your family was important and you really wanted your gf to be there. She probably didn't get the importance but has She actually met your family before?

Was She asked to go to work and cancel her time she specially took off?

I can't judge as long as We don't have all info...

 

[narcissist]

Well, first of all, it all depends on how long you have been together...and how much this kind of fight will affect your next few days.

It seems that putting the tree up with your family was important and you really wanted your gf to be there. She probably didn't get the importance but has She actually met your family before?

Was She asked to go to work and cancel her time she specially took off?

I can't judge as long as We don't have all info...

10 months exclusive. I specifically told her that Christmas is really important for my family and I ask her specially to join us and that i don't normally ask girls to do this.

She found out on Sunday that she'd be working but didn't tell me until today

 

[Paul_FR]

10 months exclusive. I specifically told her that Christmas is really important for my family and I ask her specially to join us and that i don't normally ask girls to do this.

She found out on Sunday that she'd be working but didn't tell me until today

I see. 10 Months isn't nothing - You have become a couple, so keeping that information from you until the last minute was perhaps the wrong thing to do. If it's something that you have kept reminding her over and over again during the week and she still didnt tell you, either She forgot (doubt) was afraid to do so or didn't think it mattered that much to you?

You need to discuss this with her calmly, explain your feelings, because if She is apologizing over and over, She does feel that She is in the wrong and doesn't want to lose you.

I think that it would be a big upset if you left this kind of "issue" bust up your last 10 months together because trust me there will be many more....and I've been in the same relationship for 10 years....

 

[bigneil]

OP, you sound like you were having a bad day.

Per the never explain rule, when she cancelled, you should have shrugged it off, not sulked like Charlie Brown. Then, when she asked a favor, you should have not replied, not scolded her. You need to go NC until she reaches out - twice.

The first fight I had with my last real girlfriend (in our 16th of 18 months together) was over something as stupid as her getting mad when I joked that she brought a piece of pizza into the hotel bathroom and put it on the sink as she took a shower. That was the beginning of the end 2. Beginning of the end 1 was when she adjusted my bow tie with a frown one day (a year earlier). We were long distance and suddenly had our longest absence. Don't overlook the significance of the first fight.

Relationships are like balloons. They are all light and colorful and float around and then BANG! Then you're here asking how to put the plastic pieces back together to reinflate it.

 

[Bokanovsky]

This is the first time something like this has happened and so I want to nip it in the butt.

I believe the expression you're looking for is "nip it in the bud". Nipping "in the butt" would mean something entirely different...

 

[narcissist]

Thanks for the replies..

So far these are the options

1. let it go, and move on, no explanation or anything.

2. no contact until she reaches out twice.

3. explain my feelings (which I am not doing.)

So really the options are 1 or 2.

Before I do anything I am going to wait for more replies, and see what is unanimous and popular vote. I realized I may have overreacted a tad bit, but I heavily dont fvck with flaking, or if the flake is reasonable, at the very least tell me when you find out.

 

[sazc]

I don't think you over reacted at all. This was important to you and you expressed your wishes up front, and with plenty of warning. She gave you all indications that she would accommodate.

I'm wondering if maybe she held back on telling you about work because she knew it would not go over well. Some people purposefully wait to disclose uncomfortable stuff in order to reduce the duration of the fight. Then, her asking you to help with her homework when you were upset....wow.

I've heard over and over again that total honesty is THE way to go in relationships, if you want a chance at real longevity. I suggest you (calmly) let her know that you will not allow her to disrespect you like that again. She needs to be honest with you up front so you both can deal with whatever the situation is. Difficult situations build relationships. Secrets and subterfuge tear them apart. Set your standards and stick to them. You don't deserve less.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think I would ignore and not explain. She knew it was important to you. I am in a similar situation myself. This girl I have been seeing exclusively flaked on me last sat. Said she wasn't feeling good. Anyway I just got back from her place. I asked her out for saturday. She said she was going out with a gay friend to gay bars that night. She did say she could go earlier in the day. I thought fu ck that. Anyway I said ok and got up and left. I could tell there was concern on her face. Anyway I'm going nc. I don't think she will be expecting this. I dont really care. I'm moving on.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

It's something new with you every week man?!

I get it, it sucks. She screwed up just make a mental note to self and just move on.

She probably didn't tell you cause she knew it would upset you as much as it did.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I disagree with most of the crowd here. Women MUST be held accountable. The reason women do this sh!t is because there are no consequences.

Punishment of removal of attention is in order, then discuss it briefly with her and then ask her if she can articulate why you are pissed. Once she does, let it go but let her know this sh!t stops now.

Letting this go as many have advised would be a gigantic mistake on many levels. First of all, you can't let it go. You are rightfully pissed that she disrespected you and if you try to let it go as if nothing has happened, it will simmer within you until it expresses in another way in another circumstance. It's best to directly handle these things boldly and without apology.

I would say, after leaving her in the dark for several days, "You know, what you did really pissed me off. This is entirely unacceptable to me and I expect this kind of thing to never happen again."

Then let it go. Most women need the man to set the parameters for the relationship and they actually are attracted to a man who says, "Whoa! This far, and no farther!"

If you take this advice, handle it in a stern but controlled way. Let her see that you are controlling your anger and you mean every word that you say. If she is worth your time, she will apologize profusely and understand that this is something she would not dare do again. If she rebels, or does it again at a later date, you have new, useful knowledge... that she is not worth your time and attention and that it never would have worked out in the long run.

Women's misbehavior needs to be handled with force and conviction, and with absolutely no apology.

 

[sazc]

I disagree with most of the crowd here. Women MUST be held accountable. The reason women do this sh!t is because there are no consequences.

Punishment of removal of attention is in order, then discuss it briefly with her and then ask her if she can articulate why you are pissed. Once she does, let it go but let her know this sh!t stops now.

Letting this go as many have advised would be a gigantic mistake on many levels. First of all, you can't let it go. You are rightfully pissed that she disrespected you and if you try to let it go as if nothing has happened, it will simmer within you until it expresses in another way in another circumstance. It's best to directly handle these things boldly and without apology.

I would say, after leaving her in the dark for several days, "You know, what you did really pissed me off. This is entirely unacceptable to me and I expect this kind of thing to never happen again."

Then let it go. Most women need the man to set the parameters for the relationship and they actually are attracted to a man who says, "Whoa! This far, and no farther!"

If you take this advice, handle it in a stern but controlled way. Let her see that you are controlling your anger and you mean every word that you say. If she is worth your time, she will apologize profusely and understand that this is something she would not dare do again. If she rebels, or does it again at a later date, you have new, useful knowledge... that she is not worth your time and attention and that it never would have worked out in the long run.

Women's misbehavior needs to be handled with force and conviction, and with absolutely no apology.

I agree. Make your standards and requirements known. If you and she are going to work out, she has to know what you need and be willing to be that person.

If she can't be that person, it has NO reflection on your value as a man, and it's better off you know that sooner.

 

[Roober]

I don't think you over reacted at all. This was important to you and you expressed your wishes up front, and with plenty of warning. She gave you all indications that she would accommodate.

I'm wondering if maybe she held back on telling you about work because she knew it would not go over well. Some people purposefully wait to disclose uncomfortable stuff in order to reduce the duration of the fight. Then, her asking you to help with her homework when you were upset....wow.

I've heard over and over again that total honesty is THE way to go in relationships, if you want a chance at real longevity. I suggest you (calmly) let her know that you will not allow her to disrespect you like that again. She needs to be honest with you up front so you both can deal with whatever the situation is. Difficult situations build relationships. Secrets and subterfuge tear them apart. Set your standards and stick to them. You don't deserve less.

I may have to side with her on this. In relationships, people are going to mess up. It is human nature. She probably waited to tell you because she knew how you would react. But still, she needs to communicate that to you... communication is so important and failure to do so ends so many decent relationships.

And what atom smasher said. If she is still into it and respects you, she will understand and apologize. Otherwise, she is not worth your time

 

[Atom Smasher]

The trick is, you don't want to pout or act moody in order to handle it, the way a woman does when she is upset with a man (I'm not saying this is what you are doing).

You want to be cool and collected, telling her factually how it is. Keep emotion out of it except for a bit of anger that you are holding back. Or choose a hint of disappointment, whichever works. The key is to avoid overt emotion, but rather, come off like you are handling business in your kingdom.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Let me further add that in a relationship, it is the woman who is the clay that molds to the shape of the man, not the other way around. A man is called upon to be a sacrificial leader (men will ALWAYS be the most sacrificial although this is invisible to most women). That's ok... that's how it works. But in return for your protection and leadership she must submit to your authority and be happy to do so.

You are the mold, and she is the clay that conforms. She is pliable, you are not. That's not to say that you're not sometimes flexible when appropriate, and concerned for her well-being and emotional health, but those "softer" sides of the relationship are offered within the framework of her submission to your authority.

Handling things like this properly is the act of setting boundaries. She learns what is acceptable and what is not, while at the same time ADMIRING you for having the balls to stand up like a man and set the rules.

Never forget that women want, need, and crave a man who is her superior. They cannot love an equal. They can be in a relationship with an equal, but they cannot deeply love their equal.

 

[El Payaso]

OP, you sound like you were having a bad day.

Per the never explain rule, when she cancelled, you should have shrugged it off, not sulked like Charlie Brown. Then, when she asked a favor, you should have not replied, not scolded her. You need to go NC until she reaches out - twice.

The first fight I had with my last real girlfriend (in our 16th of 18 months together) was over something as stupid as her getting mad when I joked that she brought a piece of pizza into the hotel bathroom and put it on the sink as she took a shower. That was the beginning of the end 2. Beginning of the end 1 was when she adjusted my bow tie with a frown one day (a year earlier). We were long distance and suddenly had our longest absence. Don't overlook the significance of the first fight.

Relationships are like balloons. They are all light and colorful and float around and then BANG! Then you're here asking how to put the plastic pieces back together to reinflate it.

What @bigneil said is very true. The first fight is mostly usually always the start of many and never underestimate it. The fact that she completely dismissed your invitation and plan for her to come over for the Christmas tree or whatever is a snowball effect.

The first fight is usually over something insignificant. One of my relationships, it was because she threw a piece of candy wrapper on my bedroom floor. I told her point blank "that's the last time you'll ever set foot in my house again".

She threw a fit and left in anger. I didn't call her or text her to come back. Within a few hours, she was calling and apologizing, saying how sorry she was.

From then on, anytime she was leaving my house, she would not only make my bed but clean the house.

It is especially important at the start of the relationship that you make your displeasures heard and you set the ground rules. If not, she will walk all over you.

 

[Desdinova]

She was supposed to come over today to set up the christmas tree with me and my family, and we had it planned out for 2 weeks, and I specifically told her to take work off, which she said okay.

You ordered her to take time off work so she could put shiny objects on a tree. Am I the only one who sees this as absurd, or is it just because I grew up in a house where we didn't have Christmas?

Why is your relationship dependent on putting shiny things on a tree?

Let me ask you what's more important... Making money to pay your bills, or putting shiny objects onto a tree. There is absolutely no comparison here. She did what's in her best interest, and I'd actually stand by her decision. If she's that dedicated to her job, that is a good thing. I wouldn't take time off work to put shiny things on a tree with your family either.

Jobs are important parts of our lives. Perhaps she wants to make a good impression at work with her attendance. Perhaps she has some bills that she really needs to pay. Putting shiny things on a tree is a poor reason to fvck those things up. Now you've put a blemish on your relationship because she wouldn't take time off work to put shiny things on a tree.

Sorry dude, I'm on her side.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

My best advice: let it go.

In my opinion you overreacted. Next time let her do her thing.

Expectations are pre-meditated resentments.

The best way I've discovered to get them to do what I want is for them to want to do it.

Couldn't agree more with this.

Regards the OP, choose your battles wisely. If you start flying off the handle about every little thing, you'll soon have a reputation as a needy brat; tantamount beta. It's a fine line to walk between being strong and dominant and giving zero fcks.

Sure have standards, but as with everything else, your dominance, you ability to walk away, is not overtly communicated. It should be demonstrated.

If someone breaches your standards, don't throw a hissy fit. Just explain the situation once, what you think about it in a calm manner and then move on.

Again, I'm wondering if you are purposefully trying to sabotage this thing you have going on.

 

[narcissist]

You ordered her to take time off work so she could put shiny objects on a tree. Am I the only one who sees this as absurd, or is it just because I grew up in a house where we didn't have Christmas?

Why is your relationship dependent on putting shiny things on a tree?

Let me ask you what's more important... Making money to pay your bills, or putting shiny objects onto a tree. There is absolutely no comparison here. She did what's in her best interest, and I'd actually stand by her decision. If she's that dedicated to her job, that is a good thing. I wouldn't take time off work to put shiny things on a tree with your family either.

Jobs are important parts of our lives. Perhaps she wants to make a good impression at work with her attendance. Perhaps she has some bills that she really needs to pay. Putting shiny things on a tree is a poor reason to fvck those things up. Now you've put a blemish on your relationship because she wouldn't take time off work to put shiny things on a tree.

Sorry dude, I'm on her side.

I am getting a lot of mixed opinions here. Usually I take that as a bad sign, because I should only do things that are unanimous.

However I will say that she's 19 and it's a part time job. It's not like a career or anything. And I asked her if she wanted to come first, which she said yes and that she would make sure she wasn't scheduled.