The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[RoKKo]

Day 12

I got used to the fact that we are not together anymore. I realized that i totally see her as an oneitis. It hurts and feels strange that someone who said something so beautiful to me actually act a total different way. Sometimes i with she would write me just to feel the pleasure of not writing back to her anymore. Sometimes i feel miserable about myself thinking about and wasting energy to a woman who toyed and played with my emotions. I am so glad that i began this no-contact challenge. Simply because i realized (and it will burn into my mind the more i read in this page) that this relationship was a total mess. I didnt do anything to keep it interesting for her, i was too available and too needy for her. I swam with the flow i personally paced. Her rejection literally made me drown into a swamp of negativ emotions (like: why i suck so much, why is she still complaining). I began working out a few days ago. I began having more and more social contact with other people. It still iches that i am "free" but this freedom feels a lot easier to live than being into a relationship. No contact to women till the last time i wrote so far.

Cu again in a few days - RoKKo

 

[Carpathian]

Mmm. Thought this was a support group. There are ways to say things upfront without making people feel like ****. And no, i did not give her the coat

Dude, we say things as they are here, what good would our advice be otherwise? Yes, we are a support group. and advice forum. "Support" and "advice" can sometimes mean shocking people out of bad habits and ways of conducting themselves with women and other people generally. We'll all tell you the truth as it is; we're not a buttered up "softly-softly" shoulder to cry on. That does NOTHING to help you, indeed, it'll make you worse.
Good job on not giving her the coat. Now grow a set, man up and see yourself as a person of value who will not be subjected to this sh1t from that woman or any other woman. Do NOT reach out to her on any account, for any reason. She must do ALL the running and chasing from now on.

 

[Roober]

Day 3

every day has highs and lows, definitely more even keeled now. Sleeping a lot better! Kind of wishing she would reach out, but I honestly don't think it's going to happen. I started seeing her snapchat story again somehow, where I hadn't in 2+ weeks... I looked like a dingdong... got reminded why this is a blessing in disguise; a selfie with "So purrrdy"... Also, she didn't look happy in any of her snaps... Going out with my cousin tonight for salsa lessons then whatever, haven't made plans for Saturday, going to a bar on Sunday to watch football...

Bad thoughts come in like..
-email her mom, great to meet her, sucks it didn't work out, and telling her to stop spoiling her kid
-reaching out to her friend
-What if I am alone for forever?
-Will I ever find anyone?

Having a support system is invaluable, my cousin, and two good friends...

 

[BeTheChange]

Happy Birthday b*tch!

Probably been about 3 weeks since I last spoke to the ex. Decided the effort of keeping her round as a fvck buddy wasn't worth the hassle. I think of all the sh*t that girl did to me and I'm infuriated. Not worth the emotional energy even if the s3x is good.

Text me today asking why I hadn't messaged her on her birthday. Then sent me a similar message on Facebook. I simply ignored them and now will continue to do so.

Keep it up lads. Definitely worth it. You won't truly open your mind to the numerous opportunities with other women until you cut your ex off.

 

[Roober]

Day 6
Weekend had highs and lows. Don't feel much better actually. Went out both Friday and Saturday, and hung out with some good friends all weekend, they have been checking in on me. Not getting a lot of sleep seems to make things worse, as we were out till about 4am each night and I woke around 9... I feel like I still give off the "taken" vibe, just realized I am not ready to approach women yet. While out though, been practicing eye contact and smiling, definitely some good interest out there, just cant get my ex out of my head...

It really sucks that she has not even reached out. I was hoping for at least something. I guess it just shows how far gone the relationship was... I have realized that I had a very unhealthy dependence on her attention...

Thought a lot about what we last talked about and I can't get out of my head that she feels this breakup was mutual. I want to just reach out and say something like.. "If you change your mind about us, I would love to hear from you."

My goal this week is take care of the body... sleep, exercise, and rest...

 

[RoKKo]

Day 14

Hi! Today i had some sort of a flashy-moment. I thought to myself, what i didn't do because of my girl. The biggest thing that i wanted to do was to travel through thailand. I planned this tour months ago and found myself finding excuses why i didnt want to go. Some of them were plans with my ex (including a vacation to amsterdam).
Then i realized that it wasn't her fault at all. She did her girl-thing by somehow changing my thoughts about different themes. And suddenly it came:
I HAVE LOST MYSELF AND I DIDNT EVEN NOTICED THAT I HAVE BECOME A PERSON WHICH I WOULDNT WANT TO BECOME!
The guy in which she was interested changed himself to someone significantly dull instead of the shining person he was. I lost sight of my personal dreams, plans and things i desire and changed .... no -> bent myself to a version of myself, which i thought she would like and desire. If i were her, i would have lost interest in him as well because he wasnt fully himself...
Now i am to the point where i ask myself: how can i make sure, that this wont happen again. Hopefully the informations on this page will help me find my answer.

Cu in a few days - RoKKo

 

[Raiker]

Day 3

Still feel terrible, got blindsided by this break up. Thinking back, I realize there were warning signs the last two months but I talked with her about it and rationalized it off. I asked myself this morning if I'd really want to be with her again. Gut move is yes, obviously, but I also realize that to really be comfortable with her again, she would have to change so much from what she has been the last couple of months that it's just unrealistic. She stopped being the caring girl I knew, downright disrespectful at times while I ramped up trying to show her I cared. She's changed, it's so clear to me now. I miss the hell outta her, but not really who she is now but what she was before.

I understand the whole no talking no reminiscing no looking at pictures eventually you'll stop thinking about her. Honestly, I know that's what needs to be done but I also hate that idea. I hate the idea that I gave so much to this girl, as she honestly did for me in return, had the best times of our lives together, loved each other genuinely and now I'm literally working to forget her. It just feels dirty in a way. I feel like I'm grieving a ghost of a girl, a person who cared deeply about me, and that to move on, I have to forget the good things about her and all she did for me.

I know that in a couple months I won't remember what it's like to be with her. I just find that sad- you can give your soul to someone and then a few months later forget what that ever felt like. Just some stray thoughts that I've had this last couple days.

I'll stay strong on the NC. I want to talk to her, but I'm certain whatever I say will just be weak in her eyes and she has nothing good to say to me back.

 

[Roober]

Day 3

Still feel terrible, got blindsided by this break up. Thinking back, I realize there were warning signs the last two months but I talked with her about it and rationalized it off. I asked myself this morning if I'd really want to be with her again. Gut move is yes, obviously, but I also realize that to really be comfortable with her again, she would have to change so much from what she has been the last couple of months that it's just unrealistic. She stopped being the caring girl I knew, downright disrespectful at times while I ramped up trying to show her I cared. She's changed, it's so clear to me now. I miss the hell outta her, but not really who she is now but what she was before.

I understand the whole no talking no reminiscing no looking at pictures eventually you'll stop thinking about her. Honestly, I know that's what needs to be done but I also hate that idea. I hate the idea that I gave so much to this girl, as she honestly did for me in return, had the best times of our lives together, loved each other genuinely and now I'm literally working to forget her. It just feels dirty in a way. I feel like I'm grieving a ghost of a girl, a person who cared deeply about me, and that to move on, I have to forget the good things about her and all she did for me.

I know that in a couple months I won't remember what it's like to be with her. I just find that sad- you can give your soul to someone and then a few months later forget what that ever felt like. Just some stray thoughts that I've had this last couple days.

I'll stay strong on the NC. I want to talk to her, but I'm certain whatever I say will just be weak in her eyes and she has nothing good to say to me back.

It's rough dude... NC is the only way to go. I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here, that is probably the most disappointing thing. I wasn't blindsided like you were, so I imagine that is even more difficult. Delete her number from your phone, delete all texts, remove all pics, get rid of everything that reminds you of her, remove her from ALL of your social media. It will get better. The two-week mark seems like the magic spot where you begin to realize that you don't "need" her...

Something I found also helped, make a list of red flags and yellow flags, go for 50!

Red flags are things you will not compromise with a girl. For example, smoking, hanging out with ex, etc...
Yellow flags are things you don't like but are willing to put up with. For example, bad or no credit for me...

It is interesting to see how many red flags your ex has... my ex is conceited, lazy, and has terrible work ethic, but claims she is always busy...

 

[Roober]

Day 7
I know it has only been one day since my last update, but I just had a moment. I realized my ex really had no personality, she didn't have hobbies, she was always on social media, and she is really sort of am empty narcissist. She has relied so heavily on her looks (I would say she's a strong 7 that thinks she is a 9), and really doesn't have much else to offer.

It is kind of sad really, probably makes sense why I struggled to find good conversation with her like I used to have with my ex-wife...

 

[Carpathian]

It's rough dude... NC is the only way to go. I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here, that is probably the most disappointing thing. I wasn't blindsided like you were, so I imagine that is even more difficult. Delete her number from your phone, delete all texts, remove all pics, get rid of everything that reminds you of her, remove her from ALL of your social media. It will get better. The two-week mark seems like the magic spot where you begin to realize that you don't "need" her...

Something I found also helped, make a list of red flags and yellow flags, go for 50!

Red flags are things you will not compromise with a girl. For example, smoking, hanging out with ex, etc...
Yellow flags are things you don't like but are willing to put up with. For example, bad or no credit for me...

It is interesting to see how many red flags your ex has... my ex is conceited, lazy, and has terrible work ethic, but claims she is always busy...

Hang in there.
Also, you say "I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here". Dude, one week is no time at all. She won't start to miss you on a deep, emotional level until after about eight weeks. It varies person to person but two months plus is what is really needed. Total silence from you. She is almost 100% certain to reach out. It's what you do THEN that this thread is really all about.....

 

[Roober]

Hang in there.
Also, you say "I am on one week now and haven't heard a peep unlike a lot of guys here". Dude, one week is no time at all. She won't start to miss you on a deep, emotional level until after about eight weeks. It varies person to person but two months plus is what is really needed. Total silence from you. She is almost 100% certain to reach out. It's what you do THEN that this thread is really all about.....

IF that happens, can I smash it a couple times at least? I would love to give her hope, and then say.. "how do you ever expect me to trust you?"

I imagine she's already getting laid this weekend...

 

[Carpathian]

IF that happens, can I smash it a couple times at least? I would love to give her hope, and then say.. "how do you ever expect me to trust you?"

I imagine she's already getting laid this weekend...

Only you can answer that question dude. Some guys can smash her again when she reaches out and then dump her back. But most guys will get emotionally invested again and she will detect that and do the same all over again. This happened to me. As soon as you have broken up it is nearly impossible to ever have a normal relationship again with that person again.

 

[Roober]

Only you can answer that question dude. Some guys can smash her again when she reaches out and then dump her back. But most guys will get emotionally invested again and she will detect that and do the same all over again. This happened to me. As soon as you have broken up it is nearly impossible to ever have a normal relationship again with that person again.

Ya. I supposed it really depends on where I am at, at that point. If I still feel those tendencies, it would be better not to respond at all. If I feel I am detached and am spinning other plates, it may be easier...

 

[Roober]

Day 10
Well. not sure if I broke it cause I did look at her snapchat story yesterday. Again got reminded of how conceited she is... Also noticed she looked at mine, which is odd, but probably more of just... "what is he up to?", so no more snapchat. Still feel like I miss her terribly and thinking many things

-if I would have had the knowledge I have now, I could have made it so much better
-I made a list of things I like and don't like about our relationship. I then took the likes and looked at which are unique or uncommon to her. Other than being beautiful, not much else there...
-Definitely beginning to feel connections with other women, meaning look at them with interest. I dont "feel" taken
-Getting angry and keep thinking "fvck her, stupid bish"
-Linkin Park and Eminem have been music of choice.
-Struggle at work because the low socialization of my job and start thinking about her
-Still highs and lows, don't seem to be any less...
-Been going out quite a bit, asked for a number, got rejected... need to approach more...
-I want her to come back, so I can dump her.... but I think she is totally gone...
-Seeing her every two weeks was never going to work...

Still nothing from her, which is the most disappointing. It really sucks that you have something so great, and she just disappears. I understand the reason though... I was a needy little bish...

My ex has been on a rampage the last couple days, so that is certainly not helping....

 

[Carpathian]

Dude, stop looking at social media - you are tormenting yourself. It is the number one rule and the title of this thread - The No Contact Challenge.....

 

[Roober]

Dude, stop looking at social media - you are tormenting yourself. It is the number one rule and the title of this thread - The No Contact Challenge.....

I know I know.... no more looking, nothing really useful on there anyways...

 

[Burntheoneswhoburnyou]

Been looking at this forum to help quell any doubts I ever had about what the hell I was going through.

I am going through a similar situation to all of you. 4 months ago me and the ex parted ways. She knew I was miserable and being in a relationship with me made her miserable, but here's the thing.. I didn't do anything to make her feel miserable. We were together for over 3 years and for the last year I was emotionally checked out due to all of the shlt I had to deal with on a day to day basis.

My ex is clinically diagnosed with depression and has a family history of mental illness. After reading some of the clinical signs of BPD I am 100% convinced that she is one of these people. Throughout the entirety of our relationship, I was fundamentally and mentally the same person, all of the time. I am very comfortable with who I am and couldn't give a fvck what anyone thinks of me, positive or negative.

Now, while I was the same person all along who she 'fell in love' with, she was not. Sure, she had the same personality, voice, physical features, you name it, but what changed was her mentality. Everything that we had set the foundation on for our relationship to succeed had suddenly been torn down and for reasons that were beyond my control. One big example was a loss in trust. I had never thought about, or acted on any urge I had to sleep with someone else. In the beginning she understood this, and had all of the faith in the world that I would make the right decision when put in a situation like that, and I always did.. We were in college so these situations happened frequently.. But eventually that changed, and for no reason what so ever. Did I make other mistakes? Sure... No one is perfect, but when someone with BPD acts on their raw emotion, there is no merit to their thought processes, and therefore my credibility with her slowly declined, for very very trivial reasons.

Soon enough everything became a game. The 'say one thing but want another' game is another hallmark symptom of this illness due to their uncanny need for validation. And she took it to extremes with me at some points in time. Soon after that, her thoughts became delusional, to a point where I wasn't allowed to do things on my own without her. She would cry and always tell me that she never thought we'd make it together, and tell me not to fvck other women even though she should have had absolutely no reason not to trust me. She would have anxiety attacks and cry all day when she had too many things due in school. I stayed up until 5 am one morning writing the 2nd half of her 50 page paper for her, just so she could sleep and not worry. Which leads me to my last, and final step in a BPD relationship. This is, you can do no right.

Yeah, that night I spent up, never mattered in the end. It truly was a waste of my time. Was she grateful at first? Sure.. but it lasted a whole 24 hours before it was thrown to the wayside. For BPD's it's a 'what more can you do to prove your love to me' type thing, all of the time. Any mistake I ever made was always brought to the forefront, no matter how minor. I got better at the end with not dealing with her shlt and just walking away, but I my phone would always blow up minutes later with calls about how she was sooooo sorry and that she's fvcked up. Don't fall for it guys, because the next thing you do wrong, no matter how minuscule, will be your undoing, over and over again.

It's been 4 months. I was the happiest man alive for the first 2 months of our breakup.. She was never on my mind. About 3 months in, her mental grasp began to reel me in and it has been a bit troublesome ever since. Best thing you can do, find someone else, someone who is capable of conducting a normal relationship. I have been seeing another woman for 3 months now and every time I am with her, she makes me feel like a king, the way I should have been treated, and it makes me that much more willing to treat her like a queen. It may not be as emotionally deep as the bond with your ex but remember that doing you and not being afraid to show off how happy and satisfied you are is another step to making your ex regret anything she ever did to you. Karma will come around, just be patient and have faith that things will work out. I am running 12 days NC and will keep counting with everyone.

 

[BeTheChange]

Soon enough everything became a game. The 'say one thing but want another' game is another hallmark symptom of this illness due to their uncanny need for validation. And she took it to extremes with me at some points in time. Soon after that, her thoughts became delusional, to a point where I wasn't allowed to do things on my own without her. She would cry and always tell me that she never thought we'd make it together, and tell me not to fvck other women even though she should have had absolutely no reason not to trust me. She would have anxiety attacks and cry all day when she had too many things due in school. I stayed up until 5 am one morning writing the 2nd half of her 50 page paper for her, just so she could sleep and not worry. Which leads me to my last, and final step in a BPD relationship. This is, you can do no right.

Yeah, that night I spent up, never mattered in the end. It truly was a waste of my time. Was she grateful at first? Sure.. but it lasted a whole 24 hours before it was thrown to the wayside. For BPD's it's a 'what more can you do to prove your love to me' type thing, all of the time. Any mistake I ever made was always brought to the forefront, no matter how minor. I got better at the end with not dealing with her shlt and just walking away, but I my phone would always blow up minutes later with calls about how she was sooooo sorry and that she's fvcked up. Don't fall for it guys, because the next thing you do wrong, no matter how minuscule, will be your undoing, over and over again.

Good post and you seem to have been handling it very well. She sounds like a textbook BPD. We only lasted as long as we did because I was selfish enough to rarely give into her ridiculous demands. Helping her write a 50 page paper definitely falls into that category. Always respect yourself and be aware:

Briffault's Laws


1. Past benefit provided by the male does not provide for continued or future association.

2. Any agreement where the male provides a current benefit in return for a promise of future association is null and void as soon as the male has provided the benefit.

3. A promise of future benefit has limited influence on current/future association, with the influence inversely proportionate to the length of time until the benefit will be given and directly proportionate to the degree to which the female trusts the male.


IMO BPDs are simply the most extreme version of the feminine.

It's been 4 months. I was the happiest man alive for the first 2 months of our breakup.. She was never on my mind. About 3 months in, her mental grasp began to reel me in and it has been a bit troublesome ever since. Best thing you can do, find someone else, someone who is capable of conducting a normal relationship. I have been seeing another woman for 3 months now and every time I am with her, she makes me feel like a king, the way I should have been treated, and it makes me that much more willing to treat her like a queen. It may not be as emotionally deep as the bond with your ex but remember that doing you and not being afraid to show off how happy and satisfied you are is another step to making your ex regret anything she ever did to you. Karma will come around, just be patient and have faith that things will work out. I am running 12 days NC and will keep counting with everyone.

Definitely agree here. BPDs can make you crazy and really distort your perspective on women. Finding a fun, decent woman can help for a number of reasons. Post breakup men are generally at their most vulnerable. Having a solid distraction avoids you getting sucked back in - BPDs are experts at making you believe things will be different, or worse transferring guilt on to you.

I saw my ex recently after a month or so of not speaking. She sent me speech after speech about how she had changed and understood all the things she'd done wrong (I had blocked her on whatsapp but forgotten to block her actual number) We spoke on the phone and I was thrown off by the fact she was saying quite perceptive things about herself to the point where she was either legitimately seeing the light or expertly parroting her therapist. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, let her come over, fvcked her and then she made me pancakes in the morning so I couldn't really complain.

"Truth" is a fluid concept for such women but I got as much out of her as I could. Seems she had ended things with another guy, him being the dumper, because she had continuously taken out her crazy on him, something I didn't really experience until 2 years into our relationship. Details were hazy as expected. I didn't think much about adding her into rotation as I was seeing other women. But it didn't take more than a few days for the the old signs to creep back up. I immediately called her up on it and told her I was done. I've blocked her number and whatsapp now so short of turning up to my house (a pointless endeavour) I won't be hearing from her again.

Point of the story is people rarely change and if they do it's only if and when they experience the significant loss necessary to prompt introspection. The problem with BPDs is that they never really attach themselves to people in the way that psychologically healthy individuals do and so cannot fully experience such loss when they view people as nothing more than interchangeable tools for their own happiness.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Day 12

I got used to the fact that we are not together anymore. I realized that i totally see her as an oneitis. It hurts and feels strange that someone who said something so beautiful to me actually act a total different way. Sometimes i with she would write me just to feel the pleasure of not writing back to her anymore. Sometimes i feel miserable about myself thinking about and wasting energy to a woman who toyed and played with my emotions. I am so glad that i began this no-contact challenge. Simply because i realized (and it will burn into my mind the more i read in this page) that this relationship was a total mess. I didnt do anything to keep it interesting for her, i was too available and too needy for her. I swam with the flow i personally paced. Her rejection literally made me drown into a swamp of negativ emotions (like: why i suck so much, why is she still complaining). I began working out a few days ago. I began having more and more social contact with other people. It still iches that i am "free" but this freedom feels a lot easier to live than being into a relationship. No contact to women till the last time i wrote so far.

Cu again in a few days - RoKKo

Dude, when a female is INTO you, you cannot be too available for her. And the neediness she will probably like. It's these fickle hot girls that's trying to catch a half dozen guys attention is the problem here. Not you.

 

[Roober]

Day 14
Well, I think I have begin to subconsciously accept that she is never coming back and being okay with it. I would still be really surprised if she ever contacts me again. I uninstalled snapchat because that was a bit of a hindrance and I have never used it before her. Kind of sucks cause my dad died today 5 years ago and she had agreed to go visit him with me. I have also begun to realize that I was building that relationship, not buying it. We didn't have much in common at all.

The thing I struggle with the most now is knowing everything I have picked up in the last month. While I am still new to everything, it bothers me to know that had I known this in the beginning, I wouldn't be in this situation. I would be in the driver's seat and dictating the relationship. Life lessons are brutal and I hate the fact that I am on the losing end. I don't like the feeling that she had all the power at the end and the willingness to walk away, while I sat there in pieces...

And missing her now has more of turned into missing having someone to talk to, confide in, talk about my day, or just BS with, not the emotional dependence I can feel slipping away... It is like I miss the companionship... I think dating other women will put the nail in our relationship coffin...