The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Carpathian]

I'm 49 and value this forum and thread greatly. One should never be too old (or arrogant) to learn from people more experienced in this area of life, even if they are much younger than me - and most of you are. The principles of this thread - namely, never chase after being dumped and stay in NC - are the same no matter what language or culture.

My game was completely sh!t until I came across this thread and forum. I chased and pursued. This thread/forum has helped me immeasurably and I have learned a lot and I continue to learn. This stuff should be taught in school. I am with a 9/10 woman now and have been since June and it is going great. Long may that continue. She says things like "your just so different from other guys" and "you've really got it together" and things like that; things I have learned here. I have much to be grateful for to the Senior and Master Don Juan's and even "beginners" here who make incitement commentary and thus further reinforcing the fact that I [we] am on the right path.

Brothers, let's be careful not to flame each other and get the thread closed down by the moderators.

 

[RatedR]

2 MONTHS 2 DAYS NC...and counting

Been feeling down lately, thinking of her. But I always remember why I left her. Even though it does hurt, I try to accept the sadness and give myself a few days/hours to completely think of all the sadness and move on....

I wished I could have just "turnoff" any feelings for that particular woman. It ain't as easy...unfortunately.

But I am happy with my strict NC!

I know it will get better, I AM 100% sure it will...temporary stuff..

 

[PumpFake]

DAY 1:
I have been a longtime lurker of this forum and my number has finally been called. I will admit it, particularly because this is an online forum, that yes I was in fact dumped. During the break up I begged and pleaded, lost my cool, screamed and yelled. I essentially went against the two years of precedent that I had built up during this mostly good relationship.

I have been in other relationships but I have never been dumped before (I always initiated the dumping), this time is different.

Context: Unfortunately we are going to different schools (she's transferring about 2 hours away for her graduate program), and it was dawning on both of us that long distance was not going to work. I was overcome and distraught at the thought of losing her when we breached this topic so I reverted back into a mewling little beta, which despite having worked extremely hard on my frame and attempting to becoming infallible Alpha still happened. I had cheated on her in the past, and despite making amends and building back up trust it was ultimately one of the major factors in why she did not want to do long distance (in retrospect neither did I but my FEAR of losing her completely outweighed my rational brain telling me that long distance doesn't work). It probably didn't help that I was extremely drunk. I am under the impression that depending on the circumstances it can happen to anyone! I have to keep the mentality that it only goes up from here.

Thoughts: I think one of the most important things that I have to deal with is the no contact rule. She called me today and I am happy to say I did not pickup. I still have the mentality of thinking that this girl was my special snowflake, the one for me ect. While I hope that the sadness goes away I am starting to realize that it is okay to be sad, and pretending like you don't miss her is the wrong move because it will inevitably lead to repressed sadness. I have removed her from all social media in an effort to give myself some mental space. My biggest problem is the jealousy factor of imagining her with other guys, partying and having fun. I assume she is hurting just as bad as I am as we were very close during our relationship but honestly who knows.

Goals:
-I have signed a contract with myself that unless it is an emergency and contact is impossible to avoid I must not contact her.
-I am going to go to the gym at least 5 times a week.
-I am going to run at least twice a week
-I am going to write daily in order to be able to look back on this experience and be happy at how much it has improved me as a person
-I am going to be a lot more extroverted at my college
-I am going to talk to every pretty girl that I come across so long as the circumstances permit it

I do not know any of you personally but I just want to say that the community here over the years has helped more people than we can possibly imagine. I know that if I did not have an outlet like this I would certainly be making the mistakes that many guys making post break up.
Love y'all.

 

[BeTheChange]

^ Bro don't be too hard on yourself with regards to the begging and pleading. At least it's day one. Sh*t happens. Just make sure you quit that weak behaviour from here on out.

Google "Sosuave Pook Break Up"

Will do wonders to giving you the right mindset and seeing this breakup for what it is. Opportunity.

 

[PumpFake]

^ Appreciate it dude. I realize that I am on a better trajectory as long distance seldom works out, but it doesn't change how I feel about her currently. Time/Other Women will only help with that. It's just a really bad situation and I know I have to follow the rules (NC) in order to heal as a man. I will be updating as much as possible and I appreciate the space to do so.

 

[Glassguy]

I am baaaaaccccckkkkkk!!!!!!

October 6th- the 1 yr anniversary of "the proposal". I was past the point of realizing it, been broke up since February.

Got a text bright and early from the ex that said "Regardless what our status is, today will always be our anniversary and the day you bought me the ring of my dreams".

I gave her a very civil response of "Nice you hear from you, glad we have remained civil, hope everything is well with your family". I responded 5 hours after she texted me.

Then she texts me saying she mailed me a letter because she felt there were things she needed to say and I needed to hear. I didnt respond. She then texted me several more times later Thursday and Friday. I responded, but didnt acknowledge this letter or "anniversary" talk. One word responses that led to me saying "I have to go, busy weekend lined up".

Anyways, got the letter today (She mailed it to my business).

Several glaring points she made:

1.) How she always felt so secure with me and how she didnt grasp it at the time, even though she still cant pinpoint why she called off the wedding. How she still loves me, yada yada. How she realizes that the connection we had doesnt come around very often (Grass isnt always greener on the other side, is it? lol)

2.) How she felt inadequate as a role model for my daughter (she has no kids and was never married) and even says she felt as if my daughter was "the other woman" and didnt know how to fit in.

3.) How she thinks about me every day (even though she has been dating another dude since April).

4.) Thanking me for all of the things I did for her (that I dont do for any of the women I am dating, thus things are great with them with me being aloof and scarce with them most of the time).

5.) She finishes with " I am not writing this to ask you back or tell you that walking away was a mistake. I just want you to know that I appreciate you and still love you and part of me will always love you. I hope this doesnt make you more upset or confused. I hope it makes you happy. I hope you arent angy or bitter. I felt like you deserved something from me and I'm sorry it has taken this long. I am sorry I broke your heart. Oct 6th will always be a special day for me".

To me, it sounds like she has a touch of BPD. When we broke up she was hot and cold, mixed signals, would reach out when I went ghost and would stop communicating was soon as I took the bait.

Her letter was somewhat more of the same. Some reaching out, yet voicing her thoughts to make HER feel better about the break up.

I have been spinning plates since the break up in February. Banged 9 chick since then, some once or twice others countless times. I moved on and yet for some reason, 8 months later, she feels the need to start texting me and sends me this letter.

I am very indifferent as I have moved on, which is a good feeling. We had a great 2.5 yr relationship yet she walked away from it. I'll be honest, if her letter was one where she was really reaching out hard "I made an awful mistake.....blah blah" I would be lying to say it wouldnt spark just a tiny bit of interest.

I might respond in a few days when she asks me if I got the letter (and she will after she doesnt hear from me). Then again I might not.

If I do, it will be something very civil and just let her know that I left the relationship at her door when she gave me the ring back and I am at the point where I am just "indifferent" about the entire situation because I dont have emotions either way anymore. I'll let her know that I found someone soon after the breakup that was looking at me feeling sorry for myself, in the mirror, and I got myself back.

She has realized that the grass isnt greener on the others side and friendship and connections like we had arent waiting around every corner.

To me that's a compliment and a win. It satisfies me to know that she feels that way and thats closure enough for me.

 

[Tony197]

Exactly that, Im addicted to f*cked up stuck up trouble woman.
Yeah I can, even at University, I'm listening to all sorts and have gotten sick of my new playlist after a week lol, have you got any more reccomendations song wise?

Adz--

Maybe I'm just fortunate, but I play my iPod on shuffle and the right song always seems to play eventually.

 

[Herb]

I assume this "no contact" rule works mostly or best when its with an actual ex or someone you've gotten to know well and built up some kind of connection or relationship with, and not with girls you're just trying to get or only have been with once. Also it doesn't really apply much to me since all my exes are girls who I really don't want anything to do with anymore. I have noticed some do try to talk to me randomly after a few months, but it's usually just bad news if you try to restart something and you know it's not meant to be.

But all the times I've intentionally used the no contact tactic with girls who just kind of make up excuses for not being able to meet, or stop replying, or friendzone me, it's never worked to my advantage. Nine times out of ten they simply stop talking to me as well and I never hear from them again. I guess that means I've just never built up the right amount of rapport and connection with them in the first place and they're just not that interested. I've tried the approach in an argument or situation where I can tell its not going well, where I try to act like the bigger man and stay centered and nonchalant, like its no big deal, and leave the ball in their court, saying it's up to them and well hey if you want to chat or meet up sometime, hit me up, if not then peace. It almost never worked, and they just don't reply. So maybe this isn't the best strategy to just automatically use in any situation; you need to assess where you stand in relation to her. Oddly, sometimes I've honestly gotten further by apologizing to her, which in a few cases gave me a second chance and allowed me to make up for it when meeting up. Although I'll admit, much of the time that just makes you look weak and further lose respect.

I will say that I have noticed some girls who I used to like and tried going for, but messed up with in the process, have looked me up on Facebook randomly like months or a year later. I tried sending them one last text that was interesting, like making up some crazy story or joke and tying it to them (which sometimes works when a girl is losing interest). Even though at the time they didn't reply, it may have planted a seed, so to speak, and piqued their interest, since I keep getting notifications on Facebook asking if I know them, despite us not having talked for up to a year. Or they could just be trying to look me up to show me to their friends and laugh about me haha...

 

[Juan Manuel]

DAY 12
I found a post on Yahoo Answers about a very similar case to mine. As a summary, the guy was in a LDR with the girl, but one day she told him that she felt they drifted too far apart and, though she loved him, they needed to break up. And they did. And the girl also told him that some day they could be back together, and that shes not looking for another guy. This is exactly what happened to me. One of the answer was from a woman saying she was in the same situation (she being the one who wanted to break apart) and her advice was not to lose contact. In the case of the woman, she did meet him, but since they didn't talked for all that break, things were not the same and she felt disappointed. So this is really making me think that I should talk to my girl.

I made the mistake of adding her number back to Whatsapp only to find that she deleted her status (in the past, her status was a heart). This breaks my heart because it is a sign that she is moving forward and it really hurts me. I want to break the no contact and tell her that I miss her. In my mind, I still believed that in one month we would be working together to have a happy relationship. If I am at the library, I cannot do anything from my coursework and if I am at home, I masturbate compulsively to relieve anxiety. These last 10 days are destroying me and I kept thinking that I would like to abandon my studies to chase her. Deep down inside I know she is enjoying her life as if nothing happened, while I am in the opposite state. I also known that eventually we will become two strangers, because she wont care at all. One day, she will chitchat to someone: "I kind of remember a poor guy drowning in the pool" and that is everything my suffering would mean to her.

For the last two weeks I have been forcing myself to eat more and to go to the gym in order to gain weight. I haven't skipped a session but I feel I will fall apart soon. Reading again what I wrote, I realize that I am not at all a man.

 

[resilient]

@Juan... you have oneitis man. I've read your other two posts, you need to move on. It's good that you're consistent with the gym. However, you need other coping mechanisms to relieve anxiety. I googled "9 ways to reduce anxiety..." a 4 minute read worth your time. Focus on your studies and less on the past (her). Don't put yourself down either that's not helping your situation.

Day 31
Reaching the indifference phase. I don't think about her daily anymore. Juggling goals and being more social is helping me not to think about the ex-fwb.

 

[Carpathian]

@Glassguy You are doing great dude . Continue on this path.

 

[PantyWhisperer]

Just checking in to report 123 days of NC and still going strong!

 

[Carpathian]

@Juan Manuel Ask yourself this very simple, basic question.... Why the FUKK do you want to spend time and pine after a woman who does not want to be with you? You seem to be endlessly searching the Internet looking for validation and reasons to hope that you'll be back together someday soon. Why are you doing this to yourself? Have some self respect man! You want to be with someone WHO WANTS TO BE WITH YOU!!!!!!! You want someone who does not play these stupid games with you. If she doesn't see you as the great guy you are then that is her loss. See yourself as the great guy that you are! You will find someone better than her in time. She has done you a great favor. Improve your game. And then, one day, when she comes to your door begging you to take her back in six months, the new, lean, mean, smart Juan Michael with the hot new girlfriend you will laugh at her and you will tell her to get the fukk off your lawn.......

Get this ex woman off her pedestal right now dude. Put your oneitis in the garbage.

 

[James184]

Day 37

Going NC was not that hard.After months of her basically toying with me,keeping me on the hook we eventually had a talk where after confronting her for her intentions she told me that she wants to talk to me every now and then because I am a person she loves and appreciates.Yeah,right...I didn't buy it for one second.I was determined to move on from this ungrateful woman.

The first couple of days were hard.However I had already decided it is time for me to become a real man and stop acting like the biggest sissy on this side of planet earth.What followed was better than expected.I started focusing on me and my goals in life,had sex with another chick,hitting the gym again,making and spending more money for the things I like doing and having a great time overall.Days came that I did not even think about her once.

Then,two days ago it happened.I was out with my mates when suddenly she walked by hand in hand with another dude.Hard to describe what I felt at that moment.I was waiting for my "princess",the holy,golden vag I put so high on that pedestal while she was getting her brains f*cked by someone else.Great,one more reason I felt glad I still had the chance.Even the smallest possibility of me having second thoughts about this was erased.

However I got to be honest with you.Emotionally I feel so empty when I picture this.moment.I clearly have been completely replaced.Everything I once were for her is now someone else.I am now totally insignificant in her life,a thing of the past,something long dead and gone.I know it sucks and I don't want to be the crazy lunatic still longing for something no one cares about.I know mine was the right decision,after all I broke up with her because she was a controlling freak who wanted to lock me up in a cage inside her home so all my life would revolve around her.

I hope I can use this as a hard lesson taught in life and fuel for becoming a true alpha like a man is destined to be.No woman should have the power to control your head like that.But since that event I have a problem concentrating on stuff I want and have to do.I have to develop the right mindset I guess.

 

[Adz--]

Day 37

Going NC was not that hard.After months of her basically toying with me,keeping me on the hook we eventually had a talk where after confronting her for her intentions she told me that she wants to talk to me every now and then because I am a person she loves and appreciates.Yeah,right...I didn't buy it for one second.I was determined to move on from this ungrateful woman.

The first couple of days were hard.However I had already decided it is time for me to become a real man and stop acting like the biggest sissy on this side of planet earth.What followed was better than expected.I started focusing on me and my goals in life,had sex with another chick,hitting the gym again,making and spending more money for the things I like doing and having a great time overall.Days came that I did not even think about her once.

Then,two days ago it happened.I was out with my mates when suddenly she walked by hand in hand with another dude.Hard to describe what I felt at that moment.I was waiting for my "princess",the holy,golden vag I put so high on that pedestal while she was getting her brains f*cked by someone else.Great,one more reason I felt glad I still had the chance.Even the smallest possibility of me having second thoughts about this was erased.

However I got to be honest with you.Emotionally I feel so empty when I picture this.moment.I clearly have been completely replaced.Everything I once were for her is now someone else.I am now totally insignificant in her life,a thing of the past,something long dead and gone.I know it sucks and I don't want to be the crazy lunatic still longing for something no one cares about.I know mine was the right decision,after all I broke up with her because she was a controlling freak who wanted to lock me up in a cage inside her home so all my life would revolve around her.

I hope I can use this as a hard lesson taught in life and fuel for becoming a true alpha like a man is destined to be.No woman should have the power to control your head like that.But since that event I have a problem concentrating on stuff I want and have to do.I have to develop the right mindset I guess.

Give it time and keep on working on yourself my friend, you're putting in work on yourself and keep that up.
It's hard I'm not going to lie, I'm roughly around the same amount of time of NC as you are.
I still get thoughts of her and all that bs, mine was a BPD phsyco who got Physicaly violent on top of that.
By the sounds of it, you got out before it got worse man, consider it a blessing, would you want to live the rest of your life with that?
Work on yourself man, onwards and upwards, she will come back and you will observe, you would have advanced and she wouldn't have.
As dory says in Finding Nemo "just keep swimming" hahaha
P. S I need to start following my advice lol

Adz--

 

[tenocv]

Thanks watching you guys have the strength to keep with this no contact inspires me. I think in the last week, it has struck me how much of a woman it is easy to become in our relationships. At least for me - when you have put more into the relationship than the other side and you barely notice - this makes a breakup inevitable and I had it coming. The only thing is I didn't see it coming.

Still working on this ... NC would now be on 4 days. Still hit reset because she got me something on Monday and I was forced to just tell her that I can't accept gifts from her. That brought me out of NC because I feel bad with leaving her hanging. Maybe it shows I am hurt but I feel out of respect for the other side, you gotta tell them. I know these are only breadcrumbs.......

 

[resilient]

Thanks watching you guys have the strength to keep with this no contact inspires me.

Welcome. You're a newcomer and you helped a long time DJ like me stay NC last week.

Still working on this ... NC would now be on 4 days. Still hit reset because she got me something on Monday and I was forced to just tell her that I can't accept gifts from her.

NC is like a muscle, you have to consciously be aware of it and use it to your advantage. Also, no one can force you to do anything. You have free will. If you wanted to ignore the gift, ignore the gift or let her leave it on the doorstep or with a roommate until she gets the clue.

I feel bad with leaving her hanging.

Once you're both broken up, you're not obligated to feel like you're leaving her hanging.

I know these are only breadcrumbs.......

It's good that you realize what they are. Ignore and act accordingly. She'll get the hint and move one when she sees you've successfully moved on without emotional strings attached. Responses to texts, emails or phone calls always keeps you attached. This is where you need to detach if you want to truly move on.

 

[Adz--]

Day 46

Ive messed myself up today. I ended up taking a look through her instagram and twitter.
Felt my heart pumping and all that other bs when I looked at it. That's my own damn fault. I should have known better.
She had a pic up of her and someone's arm holding on to her.

On a side note. Got into some bs with one of my friends who's a girl and need some advice. Long story short, she wanted to come and chill with me at work for the second day but she was ill and I said to her no. You're not coming I don't want to get ill and was being a bit of a d1ck. She got pissy and hung up.
I left it for a week but needed a favour from her, so I called her up. She said I'm annoyed at you bla bla bla, and is still bitter over it cos I made her feel like she's got aids and I'm gonna catch it.
I addressed that to her, and some other things and shes still the same. I dropped her a msg saying "come to my work place so we can sort this"
She replied with "U can come to me if you want to sort things"

Now this p1ssed me the f*ck off, cos shes twisting sh1t. But on the other hand I need some favours from her.

Can someone advice me on how to go about these things.

Adz--

 

[Adz--]

Day 50

So today, I was sitting around with my class mates having a beer when I got a phone call, Now I answered cos I thought it could be my counseling assessment or something (I self referred for some counseling\ therapy)
It was her (I didn't know it was her cos I don't have her number saved)
She starts saying why have you been talking to my family and met my brother.
I told her how it was, they contacted me first and he wanted to meet me.
She didn't buy it, no surprise. And said delete all their contacts they want f*ck all to do with you, and don't piss me off anymore then I already am.
I said what are you going to do, she said don't worry I'll see you soon
I said no you're not.
And hung up.

I've been feeling like crap for the last 49days cos of this shizz, but after today I'm fed up and starting not to give a damn about her or this whole thing.
If she comes to my home or anything like that I'll just get a restraining order on her or something. As for her family members part of things. If they want to talk to me then cool, If they don't then cool. Im not gonna reach out to them though and I have never done so.

That's it for now. Let you guys know what happens, also does this mean I'm back on day 1 again?

Adz--

 

[S. Aureus]

So I've got to thank you guys. I have dated a lot of women(7 in like 8 months after NC if I recall) a lot of my girl friends started to look at me with different eyes, even date one of her. I've got to say that the sparkle with my ex just appeared yesterday, I wanted to be an assistant for a doctor/teacher in my university, after talking to one of her previous assistant, she send me a text (we haven't sent a text for like 8 months) saying that she will visit the doctor and that i should go to.
I did it, talk to her a little and even take her back with my car to the university and went to my class.
It'll be weird to be an assistant with her by my side and give class in the same room but well, I've to endure it keep forward.
She missed me, maybe as a bestfriend that I was, but more than that I don't know.