BPD haunting me from the grave – now my career is at stake. What to do?

[BeTheChange]

TLDR Summary

Break up with 3 year LTR BPD ex took its toll. Performance slipped at work considerably. Now I’m being called up on it and potentially being let go.

Main story

As some of you may know, I learnt the hard way the necessity of never giving a woman the power to have a significant impact on your peace of mind, wellbeing and emotional state, but BPDs can be incredibly enticing and at the time I didn’t even know what “BPD” meant. We were together 3 years, which is a long time, when it’s your first serious adult relationship.

When we finally broke up she went nuclear, trying to destroy my life in any way she could and she almost succeeded by exaggerating some domestic violence claims – I did get physical, I won’t deny that and yes I was stupid, but these are the mistakes we make. I deserved it. All we can do is learn. I ended up getting a formal police caution, technically a criminal record, albeit not a conviction due to it being a first offence. Fortunately, police cautions are “spent” immediately so it won’t come up in any checks and I didn’t need to declare it in my current role. Bullet dodged. Or so I thought.

Now something else has come up. The last three months before we finally broke up in July were horrendous. CONSTANT recycles, which had me in a perpetual state of heroin like withdrawal. I couldn’t function at work at all. Then when I ended things for good it was pretty tough. Another month or two of mental anguish. I’m fine now, but I won’t deny it. April through to July/August were probably the worst months of my life. I was a zombie during my job and it was clear in my performance – making mistakes, slow delivery, poor quality of output, missing meetings, turning up late, unexplained absences, loss of focus. On top of that I had some projects from my side business that I had to deliver so my time was split even more. The higher ups noticed the slump and have basically called me in for a disciplinary meeting on Monday where I could be fired for gross misconduct. The allegations are legitimate. My performance was substandard.

I had a frank chat with the Partner who informed me. He seems like a good guy and I framed the conversation in a way that would allow him to give me off the record permission to start attending interviews elsewhere. He’ll also be in the meeting on Monday with HR. He says that it’s unlikely to be an instant dismissal and basically it’s for them to have a written record. He claims I’ll be given a genuine opportunity to improve.

I also spent the first two to three months at this company interviewing for other roles since this was never really my ideal role (just one I prefered to what I was previously doing) so basically from February - April I was sidetracked as well.

So frustrating thing is I’ve only been with this company nine month and because of all the stuff that has gone on they’ve never really seen the best side of me. Truth is I know I could smash this role or one just like it. I just don’t want to be in a position where finding something else will be difficult because of the black mark on my record from dismissal. Thoughts?

 

[The Duke]

I'd walk in there and say "hey, I've gone thru some personal schitt that was very difficult, my performance sucked. I have it all behind me now and I'd like the opportunity to show you what I am capable of."

Obviously if they are willing to sit down and talk with you they see something in you.

 

[oOh Nasty]

What Howiestern said.

Not sure how the structure of your corporation is or how lenient they are, but I've been on the other side plenty of times; having to fire employees because of sub-standard performance. I can recall two cases where I had been given the task of "letting go" of employees that I liked. The similarity of these two instances is that they both pleaded to me with relationship problems. One guy had a wife who he was suspecting was cheating on him and the other one was dealing with a custody battle with his kids plus on and off hookups with ex-wife. Both of them were cool guys out of work, but you can tell that they were just not in the right frame of mind to be working.

Even if the person you're talking to wants to save you, the company probably doesn't care. Depends on how strict they are. I wanted to find a way to not have to fire these two men, but it eventually happened regardless. I can kind of understand it also. I've had slumps in life in which my work performance suffered and I should have been fired, but I guess I was lucky. I can say however, that one of these guys worked directly with me and was always taking breaks to go outside and be on his cellphone. It did get annoying after awhile. I mentioned it to him, before other managers even brought up firing him, and that's when I found out he was having baby mama drama. No matter how good of a worker he was when he was on his "good side," the people at my workplace wanted consistency.

Try to get in touch with HR to see if there's anything you can do, and at the same time, go ahead and have interviews whenever you can.

Best of luck.

 

[Polysix]

Co-sign what Howiestern said.
After the breakup with my BPD-Ex everything went downward in my job too, not only there. The worst time was the beginning of this year, I study extra occupational and wasn´t able to do anything for my studies for quite a long time not being able to concentrate, focus or even enjoy life just a bit at all. I think it had a lot to do with the projections (shame, guilt, loathing,etc.) from my Ex.
So I talked/ wrote to my university lecturers honestly about having a really difficult time because of a hard breakup, they understood and gave me sympathy and some time to get my sh!t together. Of course I didn´t tell about the BPD-thing though, because it just makes no sense to explain to somebody who was never in this dilemma of dealing with ones pesonal kryptonite.
So to sum it up be honest to yourself and other trustworthy people at your company and say something like Howiestern suggested. If they can´t sympathise or relate to your circumstances it´s their loss and you could see it as a chance to grow further.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

@BeTheChange

Hey buddy, sorry to see this is getting to you again. I've been in your shoes before. It was in 2012-2013 that this was literally drowning me in every aspect of my life, including my career. It prompted my parents, who hated each other, to speak on the phone about what was happening to me. I thought about it 24/7.

What I can tell you has helped me is if you can hammer home the point to yourself that there is a "time and a place to grieve." You have to be able to separate yourself into different version of yourself - live two lives so to speak. The professional one and the personal one. It shouldn't be that hard to envision, because they are different people entirely. You don't talk to your coworkers the way you talk to your boys right? I am a salesman who doesn't curse and tows the company line at work, especially because it's lucrative to do so in my line of work. When I get home, I curse the company and read about how stupid corporate culture is on reddit, and watch parodies of it on youtube, lol.

So when my ex pops into my head in the middle of the day, and she still does frequently, I immediately say to myself "there is time for this later. I need to focus for now" There is a time and place where it is appropriate to be depressed - just not at work. That's crossing the line to where now it's a serious problem. But if you want to get up at 7 am, being a hard-nosed and productive SOB from 9-5, and then lay in bed and stew on your lost love from 6 til you fall asleep, you can do so. In fact, a lot of very successful people are miserable at home. Knowing that if I choose to lay in bed later and get drunk I can do it, helps me push through the day. When I think about sex she comes to mind, and when I doze off at night I often wonder who she's laying with these days. BUT, I no longer think of her at work. Time and place.

Not saying "Get over her." I don't think you ever will, and that's ok. Everyone has the one that got away. So what you can do is dedicate 2 hours every single night to quiet reflection and searching solace. But you have to be disciplined into not letting it spiral out of control like Hurricane Matthew.

Good luck.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange

Hey buddy, sorry to see this is getting to you again. I've been in your shoes before. It was in 2012-2013 that this was literally drowning me in every aspect of my life, including my career. It prompted my parents, who hated each other, to speak on the phone about what was happening to me. I thought about it 24/7.

What I can tell you has helped me is if you can hammer home the point to yourself that there is a "time and a place to grieve." You have to be able to separate yourself into different version of yourself - live two lives so to speak. The professional one and the personal one. It shouldn't be that hard to envision, because they are different people entirely. You don't talk to your coworkers the way you talk to your boys right? I am a salesman who doesn't curse and tows the company line at work, especially because it's lucrative to do so in my line of work. When I get home, I curse the company and read about how stupid corporate culture is on reddit, and watch parodies of it on youtube, lol.

So when my ex pops into my head in the middle of the day, and she still does frequently, I immediately say to myself "there is time for this later. I need to focus for now" There is a time and place where it is appropriate to be depressed - just not at work. That's crossing the line to where now it's a serious problem. But if you want to get up at 7 am, being a hard-nosed and productive SOB from 9-5, and then lay in bed and stew on your lost love from 6 til you fall asleep, you can do so. In fact, a lot of very successful people are miserable at home. Knowing that if I choose to lay in bed later and get drunk I can do it, helps me push through the day. When I think about sex she comes to mind, and when I doze off at night I often wonder who she's laying with these days. BUT, I no longer think of her at work. Time and place.

Not saying "Get over her." I don't think you ever will, and that's ok. Everyone has the one that got away. So what you can do is dedicate 2 hours every single night to quiet reflection and searching solace. But you have to be disciplined into not letting it spiral out of control like Hurricane Matthew.

Good luck.

Useful advice that could come in handy for the next break up. However I am over her. Very much so. She is anything but the one that got away! I am thankful I dumped her and she's out of my life. Spinning plates, NC, introspection and reading this site did the trick. Took me about 2 months to flush her out and I'm happy with that. Quite a small recovery period given what i was dealing with.

And that's the frustrating thing. They are pulling me up on my performance between April and July/August when things went nuclear (constant recycles, insane Breakups, police involvement and other attempts to destroy my life because "how dare I dump HER"). That's why it feels like she's back from the grave. Put this behind me, feel great about life, lesson learnt and then now this. Hopefully this will be the final hurdle. I won't let her win.

 

[BeTheChange]

Not particularly worriied about being fired. More the reason. It's very hard to fire someone in here so HR basically have to go back and collect as much info as they can to build a case on you.

I'm not sure if they are trying to push for gross misconduct but the four "allegations" include things like "incorrect filling in of timesheets" which is bullsh*t and entirely due to my general loss of focus and not really worthy of being labelled so aggressively.

They can push for an exit or some kind of monitoring plan based on my performance during the Summer but if they try and fire me for gross misconduct I will fight them tooth and nail since that's a black mark on your record. Agree?

I'm thinking of saying something like:

"A lot of the issues you've mentioned are things that were a direct result of a very traumatic period that led to a significant loss of focus and motivation. I accept responsibility for this and I accept I should have handled this better and not allowed domestic events to impact on my work. I believe this period is now fully behind me and I am willing to allow my performance to be formally monitored to demonstrate this".

And then interview on the side. Sounds exhausting but doable since I'd really have to overwork to leave no wriggle room for them to fire me. Of course I'd have to cut off all my plates during the week but that's a minor inconvenience in the grander scheme of things.

 

[BeTheChange]

Interviewing while working is one of the most stressful things in life. Id do it since you kind of have to though.

Not looking forward to it too much just because it's so time consuming. It's why if they actually did fire me on the spot I would half be relieved for the reason you just mentioned. But short term pain long term gain.

Fortunately, I spoke to a HR consultant and it would be difficult for them to justify immediate dismissal as this is my first written warning. I also have enough savings now to keep me afloat for the next few years and the job market is reasonably buoyant in my field so things could be much worse. Got to see the bright side.

Funny, but when you've experienced the hurricane which is a BPD and you have the strength and self-respect to break away from it, everything else in life seems easy in comparison.

 

[Vantagepoint34]

2012 was the end of the world. You have to review your High School and College notes. Find something new. This happened to DJ Fingz after he got wierd alse there was a meltdown Haha. TTYL

 

[englishman]

Useful advice that could come in handy for the next break up. However I am over her. Very much so. She is anything but the one that got away! I am thankful I dumped her and she's out of my life. Spinning plates, NC, introspection and reading this site did the trick. Took me about 2 months to flush her out and I'm happy with that. Quite a small recovery period given what i was dealing with.

And that's the frustrating thing. They are pulling me up on my performance between April and July/August when things went nuclear (constant recycles, insane Breakups, police involvement and other attempts to destroy my life because "how dare I dump HER"). That's why it feels like she's back from the grave. Put this behind me, feel great about life, lesson learnt and then now this. Hopefully this will be the final hurdle. I won't let her win.

Let her win and who gives a fvckk... could be that your still into her?

 

[BeTheChange]

Let her win and who gives a fvckk... could be that your still into her?

Let her win, in the sense that she specifically sought to destroy what I valued more than her. My career and financial freedom.

 

[SteR]

This may be a daft suggestion, but what's to stop you just admitting you had gone through a rough break-up in your meeting? I'm sure people would be sympathetic to the stress it can cause. As long as you assure them it's dealt with and you'll be performing at the right level then I can't see how it would work against you?

It's better than keeping quiet or lying imo, as both of these would give them cause for genuine concern.

 

[BeTheChange]

So had the talk today. Business hasn't been doing great overall and the rainmaker jumped ship to another firm so we haven't been getting good deal flow. All this, alongside my performance drop has given them the reason they needed to cut me. They wanted me to move to one of their regional offices (dead end), effective immediately and begin working over there straight away in a paid for hotel, as part of the transition, which would have made it impossible for me to apply for jobs and attend interviews in my current city.

With that in mind I handed in my resignation. Not the end of the world. More in savings than most people make in a year and they still expect me to serve my three month notice. Luckily I'll be able to work 3 -4 days of that from home, which will provide ample time for interviews.

I walked out with absolute relief. Not going to lie. Finally have the freedom and flexibility to work on my business and give it a fair chance alongside actually having the time to find a job I can see myself in for the next ten or twenty years. I am even strongly considering moving abroad on a permanent basis.

 

[Julian]

how much $ were you getting paid there? oh well time to move onwards an upwards

 

[BeTheChange]

how much $ were you getting paid there? oh well time to move onwards an upwards

$60k base (US equivalent) but it was working in a regional office. Some of the roles i'm looking at now are paying near $100k base. Thus the relief. A part of me would much rather focus my attention on securing one of these roles.

I'm also looking at Hong Kong, USA, Australia. Nothing keeping me here.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

With that in mind I handed in my resignation. Not the end of the world. More in savings than most people make in a year and they still expect me to serve my three month notice.

I walked out with absolute relief. Not going to lie. Finally have the freedom and flexibility to work on my business and give it a fair chance alongside actually having the time to find a job I can see myself in for the next ten or twenty years. I am even strongly considering moving abroad on a permanent basis.

Lulz, sure you were. Is this another schizophrenic back and forth with yourself again? I think "freedom" and "relief" were words you were using when you wrote your daily Edgar Allen Poetry about the ex you were seconds away from beating up calling again, all while being "in control the whole time" and reciting dramatic life coach babble that sounds like it was ripped off a Joel Osteen podcast. You could have won an academy award for that ****.

Might get banned for this post but hey, it's worth it because I just had to respond to you. It's really rich being called a loser, "overweight", and analyzed with armchair psychology about "projection" by a woman beating thug who spends his days posturing on an anonymous internet forum about his savings accounts and "plates". And the woman beating thug just got fired from his job for being a pu$$y underneath it all. Go figure. I've heard of thugs, I've heard of pussies. But a thug who turned out to be a pu$$y? Awesome.

@Tenacity and I brought humility to a self-improvement forum. We laid our cards on the table and areas of needed improvement to strangers, as did many others, all who ended up on this forum because they're going through the same things. Including you, you lying little toad. You're not on this forum because you're some superstar, so drop the gimmick. When Tenacity challenged you to put up and prove its not a gimmick, you refused.

You know, life is often ironic. I just got called a "loser" 4 weeks into a new job with outstanding benefits where I write my own paycheck, by a guy who just got fired from his job because he was so "in control". But hey, I creeped on an ex's FB 4 years ago, you just lost a "six figure" job over one. Its a wash.

Again, nicely done. Clown.

 

[BeTheChange]

Think I'll use this thread to keep track of updates on my job situation and business.

Have a second interview scheduled with a very well known acquisitive record label. Company looks exciting, relaxed atmosphere and salary is great too.

 

[Firestar786]

@BlueAlpha1 if your doing so well as you write, then why do you feel the need to put down @BeTheChange ?

Your words about your success are quite obviously bullsh1t in that case, and/or you have very low self esteem and regard for yourself; as you got offended over what a stranger wrote about you on the internet. LOL

As for @BeTheChange keep it up whatever it may be... f0ck the haters

 

[BeTheChange]

@BlueAlpha1 if your doing so well as you write, then why do you feel the need to put down @BeTheChange ?

Your words about your success are quite obviously bullsh1t in that case, and/or you have very low self esteem and regard for yourself; as you got offended over what a stranger wrote about you on the internet. LOL

As for @BeTheChange keep it up whatever it may be... f0ck the haters

Yeah I find the lies, bravado and put downs quite amusing to be honest.

It's funny because when I talk about all the positives in my life on here such as my career, side business, health, fitness and success with women they say I'm a bare faced liar but then they're quick to bring up the posts where I talk about my negative experiences such as breakups and leaving this job, as if those posts were gospel. Strong logic...Reading their posts is no longer a productive use of my time. Thus the ignore list.

And thanks bro. I appreciate your support. Not sweating the little things in life. Confident I'll get that new job AND a pay rise. Demand for finance professionals isn't going anywhere so should be ok.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

@BlueAlpha1 if your doing so well as you write, then why do you feel the need to put down @BeTheChange ?

Your words about your success are quite obviously bullsh1t in that case, and/or you have very low self esteem and regard for yourself; as you got offended over what a stranger wrote about you on the internet. LOL

As for @BeTheChange keep it up whatever it may be... f0ck the haters

This guy and myself have been going at it for months because he didn't like constructive criticism of his obvious double talk in the NC thread.

I felt he was wrong in his argument with Tenacity, told him so, and he went off like a lunatic. That was a response. So you dont know what you're talking about.

And what "success" am I bragging about? You confuse me with BeTheChange