The Marriage Hamster

[Augustus_McCrae]

After being with my Ex GF for about 2 years, she dropped the marriage bomb. I told her that I believed in commitment, I believed in love, but that I didn't believe in marriage anymore (I'd been married previously and am still paying alimony). With No fault divorce and the way the family courts work in the U.S. I have no interest in potentially being divorce raped again. However, I told her I was committed and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And I meant it.

We discussed having a commitment ceremony which we both agreed to and wanted to do at some point in the future. I even mentioned that I would include her in my will.

Fast forward another couple of years. She changed her stance and realized that what she really wanted was to get married, a commitment ceremony was not going to cut it. It became a make or break for her. Then almost immediately after her change of mind, there were other problems that came into play with our relationship because once she decided that she wanted to get married, her behavior changed. Either consciously or sub consciously, she withdrew and it caused other issues. In essence, she self destructed the relationship. And we eventually split.

What is interesting to note is that she did not have the temperament and the correct mindset to be a wife. She would have continued to be "independent" and would have balked at some of the aspects of what it entails to be a wife. So, while emotionally, she wanted to be married, she wasn't truly prepared to be a wife.

Bear in mind that toward the end of the relationship, I was paying all the rent, buying a goodly portion of the food for her and her kids, providing health care for her kids and other miscellaneous expenses.

She is in her mid-40's now, still has a young child at home and has marriage on her agenda for future relationships. While we all know the odds of an older single Mom getting married aren't great, she is exceptionally good looking so there's a decent chance that she will get a marriage proposal at some point. She has posted a huge amount of selfies (Hundreds of them) online and to my knowledge, is inundated with men contacting her because she is so beautiful. In Rollo's recent Post "Stalling for Time", he discusses the impact of technology and social media on women. I believe the combination of my Ex's exceptional good looks and the nuclear explosion of validation and attention she receives online has ballooned her sense of self-worth and entitlement.

With regard to her reasoning for marriage, I believe she (and many other women) have a mindset like this: "I deserve to be married. I don't want to let go of the Disney dream. I want to wear a wedding dress again (she was previously married). I'm worth it and if a man really loved me (and wanted to prove his love for me), he would put a ring on it. "

That, gentlemen, is just how strong the lure of the marriage hamster is. Combine that with the constant barrage of validation even a decent looking women gets via social media and you've got the perfect storm to produce hamster driven, entitled, "I deserve everything" behavior from women.

I walked away from that relationship with a list of "lessons learned" which I articulated in another post called "Rules to live by". In other words, I'll never do that again (single mom, me paying all the rent, a woman with small children, etc ...)

-Augustus-

 

[ubercat]

Yeah it's amazing in this day and age it still always comes up. My girlfriend loves her little apartment I love my house and she really is quite independent in a practical non-aggressive way. Being an Asian girl she still is feminine and submissive when it counts. I know the marriage talk will come up and that will be the end. At my age I have no intention of letting another woman cross my threshold what they bring to the table just isn't worth the risk.

 

[MatureDJ]

If don't see the point of marriage to a woman who has children that are not of my loins, nor to a woman who is past the age of fertility. I would even have a bit of a problem with a "Brady Bunch" situation as I would want all my finances to pass on to my flesh & blood; I suppose that if most my assets were in an IRA and it were to be understood that my children are to be the beneficiaries, then it's a possibility. Also, I wouldn't necessarily have a problem being like Trump in having a new unencumbered fertile woman, although if a previous wife and children were too much of a financial burden, I would not.

It seems that in your situation, you are were playing the part of the provider already to her spawn, so I could see getting married as making you a common-law stepfather, which would be about a hellish existence as a man could imagine.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

MatureDJ,

Yes, I was already playing the provider role (something which I'll never do again). So her want for marriage was very much an emotional thing. She used to talk about her grandparents amazing marriage. The problem is that she didn't possess the disposition and wifely attitude that it sounded like her grandmother had. So part of the problem today is women want the marriage their parents or grandparents had, yet they have no clue about how to be or act like a woman who was married 50 years and truly knew how to be a wife.

And with regard to the stepfather role, it's like this: I have 2 kids already. They are my pride and joy. And I like kids in general. However, being around someone else's kid a large portion of the time is strange. Sometimes you look at that child and think: WTF? So, very much a lesson learned. I never want to get involved again with another woman who has small children.

-Augustus-

 

[SkrooU]

This subject is very interesting to me. Which questions did you ask her as to what her reasons were for getting married?
My idea is that women want the legally enforceable option to be compensated for giving up her other male prospects by committing to a man after so many years. If you could give them the whole marriage ceremony and tell people you're married (after all this is commonly believed to be something sacred that was created for religious and spiritual purposes so no legal paperwork should actually be needed), then what difference does it make whether you sign the papers or not? This is the question that women never seem to be able to answer. They just say "it's about the commitment", yet the commitment isn't good enough unless you sign the papers that she can use to access your resources.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

9juanjuan,

Yes, it's so strange. It's like there's some gut level, knee jerk reaction regarding marriage. To them, anything short of marriage isn't commitment. My ex GF finally admitted that no, she didn't believe I was truly committed. And here I was, paying all the rent, putting food on the table, providing health coverage for her and her kids, etc. And she thinks I'm not committed? WTF? And that attitude was one of the things that led to our breakup. I was insulted that she could think that I wasn't committed after everything I was doing for her and her kids. But I guess it's like rollo says, a woman will never truly appreciate the things you do.

Skroou,

She never could give a concrete, solid reason for wanting to get married. And when we initially spoke about a commitment ceremony, she seemed pleased with that. But then, she changed her mind and that was it. She wanted marriage and it eventually destroyed the relationship.

What's strange too is that at least for the interim, it's altered the quality of her and her kids lives. They are scraping by now. The absence of my support has has a large impact on them. Very strange.

-Augustus-

 

[ubercat]

That s where the self entitlement plays out. They are encouraged to believe they should get everything they want. Given her looks long-term she will ensnare some beta.

 

[grayclif]

That s where the self entitlement plays out. They are encouraged to believe they should get everything they want. Given her looks long-term she will ensnare some beta.

Hopefully

 

[grayclif]

9juanjuan,

Yes, it's so strange. It's like there's some gut level, knee jerk reaction regarding marriage. To them, anything short of marriage isn't commitment. My ex GF finally admitted that no, she didn't believe I was truly committed. And here I was, paying all the rent, putting food on the table, providing health coverage for her and her kids, etc. And she thinks I'm not committed? WTF? And that attitude was one of the things that led to our breakup. I was insulted that she could think that I wasn't committed after everything I was doing for her and her kids. But I guess it's like rollo says, a woman will never truly appreciate the things you do.

Skroou,

She never could give a concrete, solid reason for wanting to get married. And when we initially spoke about a commitment ceremony, she seemed pleased with that. But then, she changed her mind and that was it. She wanted marriage and it eventually destroyed the relationship.

What's strange too is that at least for the interim, it's altered the quality of her and her kids lives. They are scraping by now. The absence of my support has has a large impact on them. Very strange.

-Augustus-

So she gave up a nice lifestyle, put her kids health and her health at risk in the hopes of attracting a better deal in her 40's. I don't understand women.

 

[zekko]

I believe she (and many other women) have a mindset like this: "I deserve to be married. I don't want to let go of the Disney dream. I want to wear a wedding dress again (she was previously married). I'm worth it and if a man really loved me (and wanted to prove his love for me), he would put a ring on it. "

You're going to have this sometimes. Women don't have the downsides to marriage that we have, they don't face the risks that we do. They don't face the possibility of their lives being ruined that we do. If the marriage fails, they just pick up another income stream. So it's no wonder they hold onto that dream.

Good for you for standing your ground. I'm sure you won't regret it. I wonder if some of her friends got to her and were giving her some sh!t about you not making her legit or whatever.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Zekko,

Yes, one of her friends wanted to know when I was going to "put a ring on it". And her friend is exactly the type that would divorce rape a man. Her and her husband have a small child and he is sooooo fvcked because I think he knows she would go nuclear in a divorce.

However, Some of her other friends and her own mother thought she was crazy to drive away a man like me.

And yes, I'm positive I won't regret it. She showed her true colors. I thought she was a better woman and person than she turned out to be.

-Augustus-

 

[The Duke]

I just got out of a 5yr relationship that ended because I wasn’t willing to marry her. She never gave me a reason as to why she wanted to be married so badly that made sense to me.

Here are the factors that amped her desire for marriage:
-There was outside pressure from her friend who recently got married, as well as her dad.

-She was an HB8 nearing 40(looked 10yrs younger than she was), however she still understood the concept of women having an expiration date.

-She had never been married.

-She never admitted it, but she wanted financial security and knew she could obtain it thru me, even if she agreed to a prenup, she would still have an easy life living under my roof.

On the flipside, I do have a sister who does well financially, has her life in order, has one kid, and isn’t easily influenced by outside pressure. She has never been married, and has no desire. She doesn’t want to risk what she has and see’s no point in marriage. She has a very rational mind compared to the rest.

I have no doubt that the vast majority of women want to be married because of societal pressure and financial gain. They are experts at trying to convince you otherwise.

With a 55% chance of failure, and a previous divorce on my record I don’t want to take the risk. You would never enter into a business deal with a 55% chance of failure, why the hell would you sign up for marriage? The guy isn’t gaining a damn thing other than a bunch of unnecessary risks.

4 out of my last 5 girlfriends have all been married/remarried. My most recent ex gf will likely be married at some point, I have no doubt. Funny how she is in a relationship on faKebook, yet

I do know that know that most regret ending the relationship with me, but their desire for marriage clouds their rational thought. Women never were very good at analyzing situations and making the best selection.

On a side note, I asked a girl that I am currently dating if she ever wanted to get remarried and she definitely does. I ask her why. lol, after a few minutes of bs rambling I said how about you think on that and get back to me. It was all about financial gain, she just didn't want to get the gold digger label by admitting.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Yes, what it comes down to is that she wants legal control of your money/resources. It doesn't matter if you're already providing it within a relationship. She doesn't like the idea of you having total control of your resources. But like Howiestern said, they'll try to sell you some bvll**** about there being other reasons why, and maybe they even try to convince themselves of it.

But it really comes down to them wanting to have their "dream day" and legal access to your resources. Because in their minds if you're really committed to them, you would do that. If not, then you aren't truly committed. So she thinks: "This guy is never going to wife me up, so time to blow up the relationship and bring on a beta provider I can lock in before I get too old to attract one".

-Augustus-

 

[dude99]

So she gave up a nice lifestyle, put her kids health and her health at risk in the hopes of attracting a better deal in her 40's. I don't understand women.

Don't try to. It will only hurt your brain. Her decision is a prime example of a woman using feelings and emotions to make a decision.

I firmly believe that most women are hard wired to sabatoge their own relationship. Thinking with feelings or emotions will do just that and then she will shift blame and refuse to take responsibility for ruining the relationship.

It didn't matter that it hurt her, Agustus and her kids. Her emotions dictated her decision.

You scratching your head.....that is you using rational thought.

 

[dude99]

Zekko,

Yes, one of her friends wanted to know when I was going to "put a ring on it". And her friend is exactly the type that would divorce rape a man. Her and her husband have a small child and he is sooooo fvcked because I think he knows she would go nuclear in a divorce.

However, Some of her other friends and her own mother thought she was crazy to drive away a man like me.

And yes, I'm positive I won't regret it. She showed her true colors. I thought she was a better woman and person than she turned out to be.

-Augustus-

You stood your ground. She only left because she didnt get her way.

Can you imagine how much of a "jerk" men would be if we behaved the same way..

 

[guru1000]

Don't try to. It will only hurt your brain. Her decision is a prime example of a woman using feelings and emotions to make a decision.

I firmly believe that most women are hard wired to sabatoge their own relationship. Thinking with feelings or emotions will do just that and then she will shift blame and refuse to take responsibility for ruining the relationship.

It didn't matter that it hurt her, Agustus and her kids. Her emotions dictated her decision.

You scratching your head.....that is you using rational thought.

On the surface, it may appear that way.

Looking deeper, she knows her time of being physically attractive is limited. She also knows that when that downward departure begins, the OP will have absolutely no incentive to stick around. Hence it's a very logical decision, contrived with the veneer of irrational emotion.

This is how women manipulate men. They throw a temper tantrum and are socially excused because "they are simply emotional creatures who just can't help it," but they know exactly what they are doing as they are socially-adept, cunning and calculated in their machinations. Ask any divorce attorney about the myriad stories of men who were blindsided in surprise divorces with all their bank accounts wiped clean.

Men, don't fall victim to the machinations of an "illogical" woman. They are in fact very logical under their veneer of overt madness.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Something else I've been thinking about: She always ran off at the mouth that she didn't care about money (I made approximately 4x what she did). In retrospect, I have to call bvll**** on that one (yeah, I know, look at what they do not what they say).

I wonder if the tables were turned (she made 4x as much), would she have been jonesing as hard for marriage? But then again, if she made that kind of money, she might not have been with me to begin with...

-Augustus-

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

PairPlusRoyalFlush,

You nailed it. And I had always wondered about this other aspect: Her ex husband was about 6'2". Big, Really good looking, played sports In college, probably makes an average salary. I'm 5'11 on the trim side, more distinguished good looking (John Slattery type) and probably make twice what he does.

-Augustus-

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

In general the same thing, tall and big, dark hair, more Gerard Butler type. That ain't me.

-Augustus-

 

[dude99]

Something else I've been thinking about: She always ran off at the mouth that she didn't care about money (I made approximately 4x what she did). In retrospect, I have to call bvll**** on that one (yeah, I know, look at what they do not what they say).

I wonder if the tables were turned (she made 4x as much), would she have been jonesing as hard for marriage? But then again, if she made that kind of money, she might not have been with me to begin with...

-Augustus-

Probably not. If she made 4 times as much she probably look down her nose at you.