The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[BeTheChange]

Day 4

Quite chilled actually. They say for men the pain from a breakup is experienced more acutely as time increases because men slowly "realise what they've lost". I don't buy this at all. Because as time goes on I'm realising that my ex was in fact NOT that special. The ONLY thing she had going for her that you couldn't get from another attractive woman was that she was a virgin and therefore showed a lot of loyalty and dedication. HOWEVER her recent actions have shown that she is in fact loyal and dedicated UNTIL IT SUITS HER. The very qualities in her that I found to be "unique" are actually NOW non-existent or have been severely damaged. Whether this is a result of my abuse is irrelevant because it is STILL who she is NOW. I will atone for my sins when the time comes and become a better person after 60 day NC (I don't believe it is productive to focus on what you did wrong during the first two months of NC as I think it will disrupt the healing process) but that doesn't change her present character.

This is why perhaps I am finding it so easy to move on. Unlike my previous NC's there hasn't been any loss of sleep or appetite, anxiety, sadness, pain or sense of loss (except briefly on day 1). Although I am only 4 days NC I believe that due to the on and off nature of our relationship over the last few months I mentally accepted the breakup a while ago so I am technically further along the path than the number of NC days would suggest. Furthermore over the past few weeks I have seen her at her worst - hooking up with other guys immediately after the breakup, lying to me, stealing from me, jeopardising my career (which she knows is incredibly important to me) and livelihood by calling the police, etc.

Everything is going to be alright.

 

[BeTheChange]

Timeline of misery.

I wrote this out on day 1. I have deliberately not contextualised it by discussing what I did to trigger her behaviour because if I did it would tempt me into the belief that some of her actions were justified (perhaps they were) and that isn't something that serves me in a positive way right now. I may contextualise it after 60 day NC because it's then that I can truly learn from the experience. Here it is guys. It isn't pretty...

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Started hooking up in September 2013

April 2014 – texting another guy in France, who had previously been into her. No explicit flirtation so dismissed it

September 2014 – Moved in with housemate and I

November 2014 – dumped me 3 days before my final exams and moved out leaving me with more rent to pay. Initially refused to pay back any of the money she owed me in respect of rent and bills I HAD PAID FOR HER because she couldn’t afford it at the time

April 2015

Went out with her friends and let another guy take her number WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER. They got a taxi back together and he kissed her goodnight (by her account – in reality could have been worse). Got into an unrelated (as I was unaware of her ventures) argument the next day on Sunday and I dumped her. Radio silence for next three days. I contact her to apologise. She tells me she doesn’t’ want to be with me and that she met someone else – “a great guy”. They’ve been speaking since Sunday. It’s now Wednesday.

Hear nothing from her until the following Saturday (11 days) where she sends me a WhatsApp to say

“Hey. Glad to see you look happy” (I changed my WhatsApp picture to one with a friend and I smiling driving round)

“I’m happy too with the guy I’m seeing”

I bite and ask what happened. She tells me she has slept with him and then has the AUDACITY to come back and BLAME ME. Tries to act like she made an effort to contact me (she didn’t).

Gets angry at the fact I have since slept with someone else too EVEN THOUGH SHE DID THE SAME THING AND WAS THE DUMPER. This is Saturday afternoon. She begs to take me back and I refuse telling her I need time. I phone her the next day and she is WITH THIS GUY. I tell her we should talk. She refuses and puts the phone down on me despite several of my attempts to contact her. That same night SHE ****S THE GUY AGAIN (something I only find out later), saying she was angry because I slept with someone else – EVEN THOUGH SHE DID TOO!

She phones me later that evening saying she went round to his place but nothing happened and she misses me. We sleep together – remember this is mere HOURS AFTER ANOTHER DUDE WAS BALLS DEEP IN HER AND SHE LIED ABOUT IT


May 2015

Find out she has still been speaking and meeting this other guy, keeping him around as security in case things go south with me

October 2015 – moves back in with me

Late 2015 / Early 2016 – storms out after an argument. Gets the police involved. I’m arrested and later released. I'm not charged because she refuses to make a statement and begs them to release me in the morning

Early 2016 – storms out after an argument and stays at a “male friends” house. “Nothing happened” between them as he was “just a friend”

June 2016

Storms out after another argument so I dump her and inform her father we are no longer together in order to make it final. She responds by CALLING THE POLICE and ATTEMPTING TO DESTROY MY CAREER AND LIFE. She does not relent despite days of my family and friends attempt to convince her. She even informs the police that she is willing to go to court to make sure I get sent down. I am forced to accept a caution, a stain on my record that will show up for the next 6 years in enhanced criminal checks

DEPSITE ALL THIS she still tries to JUSTIFY her actions

She moves out but eventually returns to the relationship. However, it is later revealed that she is trying to lay the groundwork to leave with some security – speaking to guys in the gym, collecting numbers, etc. I catch on and dump her on Saturday. SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT SHE HAS BEEN SHIFTY BUT RATHER THAN ACKNOWLEDGE THIS AND APOLOGISES SHE:

- Goes out clubbing with two of the guys from the gym (drug dealers)

On the Wednesday I see her with one of the drug dealers. She and him attempt to start a fight with me in the streets. She shows NO REMOSE FOR WHAT SHE’S DONE. It’s later revealed that, that SAME NIGHT she SUCKS HIS **** and would have ****ed him if not for the fact she was on her period

She comes over 4 days later (Saturday) begging to get back, claiming she only went on dates with them and kissed. It’s only after some serious pushing and intellectually trapping her in a corner that I find out the above so it could very well be worse

She steals money from me after just having LIED about everything. She later returns it.


July 2016

We have an argument and she blocks me. I don’t hear anything from her for the entire SUNDAY EVENING. She later claims that nothing happened and she just stayed in drinking wine and ignoring my calls but then later refuses to text any of the 4 guys I know she was seeing while we were broken up so I can confirm she wasn’t in fact with them that night

AND DESPITE ALL OF THIS when I phone her later this week after another argument and walk out she is the one blocking my calls, HANGING UP ON ME, and talking to me as if I’m a beggar – but why would she think differently…. Who stays with a chick after ALL of THIS?

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[LiveYourDream]

Everything is going to be alright.

Whether we know/see it or not, it actually already is. Even still, the best is yet come. Be open. Welcome it. Appreciate it. Enjoy it.

 

[BeTheChange]

Ah man. Just got hit by sudden pang of sadness. Not particularly severe but I'm aware of it.

I miss her. First time since NC started. Like everything else it will pass.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Whether this is a result of my abuse is irrelevant.... I will atone for my sins when the time comes and become a better person after 60 day NC (I don't believe it is productive to focus on what you did wrong during the first two months of NC as I think it will disrupt the healing process)

@BeTheChange--The abuse you inflicted weighs you down inside. Your self judgement and shame about it are heavy in your heart. Understand it was a stepping stone in your journey, to living as a better version of yourself. The abuse you inflicted doesn't define you, unless you let it. It does not represent who you are being now. This applies to all of us, in countless ways, along our journeys.

Shaming and judging oneself (perpetually, or for 60 more days) does not serve one's highest potential or the highest good for all. Doing so holds one to who they were in those moments.

Are you still that person? Have you grown beyond that? Are you demonstrating it? Were the experiences sufficient enough for you, to learn what you needed, as to never repeat that behavior? Change of behavior indicates new understanding. It's the key. Do you actually demonstrate new understanding with new behavior? That is what truly serves you, your life, and all.

I recommend journaling the following statement, completing it with whatever comes up inside. Let yourself feel whatever you feel, in the process. Repeat, filling it in with whatever comes up next, until you feel clear or complete for the moment.

I forgive myself, for judging myself, for....

The process sounds simple. In some ways it is. Don't underestimate the power of it. It may surprise you. It's a gift to yourself, if you choose. Allow yourself this healing. Freedom awaits.

Free yourself from your judgements. Give yourself permission to let them go. Actually, let them go. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to be free again. Demonstrate your new understanding. Embrace each new moment, as a greater version of yourself.

You have soooooo much to offer this world. Allow yourself to move forward and fully focus, all you are, on that.

Wishing you the best always.

 

[john1234]

Timeline of misery.

I wrote this out on day 1. I have deliberately not contextualised it by discussing what I did to trigger her behaviour because if I did it would tempt me into the belief that some of her actions were justified (perhaps they were) and that isn't something that serves me in a positive way right now. I may contextualise it after 60 day NC because it's then that I can truly learn from the experience. Here it is guys. It isn't pretty...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Started hooking up in September 2013

April 2014 – texting another guy in France, who had previously been into her. No explicit flirtation so dismissed it

September 2014 – Moved in with housemate and I

November 2014 – dumped me 3 days before my final exams and moved out leaving me with more rent to pay. Initially refused to pay back any of the money she owed me in respect of rent and bills I HAD PAID FOR HER because she couldn’t afford it at the time

April 2015

Went out with her friends and let another guy take her number WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER. They got a taxi back together and he kissed her goodnight (by her account – in reality could have been worse). Got into an unrelated (as I was unaware of her ventures) argument the next day on Sunday and I dumped her. Radio silence for next three days. I contact her to apologise. She tells me she doesn’t’ want to be with me and that she met someone else – “a great guy”. They’ve been speaking since Sunday. It’s now Wednesday.

Hear nothing from her until the following Saturday (11 days) where she sends me a WhatsApp to say

“Hey. Glad to see you look happy” (I changed my WhatsApp picture to one with a friend and I smiling driving round)

“I’m happy too with the guy I’m seeing”

Stay NC, that Bvitch deserves to get dumped , women are actually immature and spoilt and they complain about men all the time whilst they are actually worse in many areas! My Ex used to complain about men weekly and she is just as bad!

I too had a virgin years ago. She was very shy, but you know what? She initiated the date and she did it very well. She showed no signs of attraction but she was strongly attracted . She did not put out for sex on the first date but gave me a BJ . She said she has never had sex before, she was scared to.

The next day she came up and I fvcked her. We fvucked once.

She was far too clingy for me then! She used to trun up every day, she wanted to go every where with me, she was extremely clingy and I just could not hack her clingyness, the sex was not great either, she was quiet!

I eventually ended it, I was very sad on the day, I broke the girls heart badly I saw it in her eyes ..... I lived with myself because I know I gave her an awesome experience which she will remember moving forward.

She changed numbers months after, she is gone.

I moved on so easily , I hope she did.

I have realised that the healing process is strongly based on the memories we have of our partners. If these memories are strong it will cause more emotion and sadness. I can see that time and moving on in life will definitely heal us.

Problem with NC in this day is Social Media. Our partners lives are all over social media posts making it too difficult to forget!


PS: Why did she call the cops? Did you beat her up?

 

[Firestar786]

1.5 weeks so far

Another 6.5 weeks to go

 

[BeTheChange]

You know what's funny.

My ex logged into my Facebook recently and messaged a bunch of girls pretending to be me and basically told them all the stuff I had done and that I was no longer interested in seeing any of them. I spoke to the police out of curiosity an hour ago over the phone and they said that they could charge her for malicious behaviour.

Despite the fact that I now have a police caution which for the next 6 years could hinder my opportunities I really have no interest in pursuing this. What benefit do I derive from fvcking up her life also? A part of me wants her to know that I could have pursued this but chose not to. Be the better person and all that.

 

[Gaysha]

DAY 29

So hahaha, my ex and her new girlfriend are totally all over each other, posting pics on social media, writing 'I miss you's because my ex is back in her town, not the one where she goes to college and her gf lives.
Maybe it wasn't so smart of me to do, but last night I re-read our messages around breakup and until I started NC. I cried but it helped me give emotional closure. I once again realized I was full of love, supportive, honest etc. towards her. I did nothing wrong.
So anyway, I made a bet with my best friend. My decision is to do NC for 90 days, which will be around September 20, and he said that they will most definitely break up until then, and my bet is that they won't (because my ex will do everything in her power to make this work because she is insecure and this is a good chance - a girl in her city, unlike me - long distance). Oh, and who loses the bet, pays the other person a menu at McDonalds.
This has all the classic signs of a rebound - new gf is completely opposite of me, rushing into relationship (less than 2 weeks), over-the-top 'I miss you' and pictures and all that ****.
But you know what the best part is? The girl probably isn't even gay! Hahaha. Sorry, I may sound mean but this **** is hilarious.

Would I take her back? If you asked me that 2 days ago I'd probably say 'yes' but I'm a 'no' now.
I love the girl but I don't need her. She's a mess. I was helping that mess for 10 months and lost myself.

 

[BeTheChange]

@Gaysha

You are massively disrupting your healing process by following her on social media and viewing her pictures. I would recommend not deleting your pictures as it's nice to look back on certain things once the emotions have faded. Especially the naughty pics

What I've done is store all of the photos into a specific folder. Obviously deleted and blocked her on social media. The only thing I haven't done is block her on whatsapp or phone number (although she currently has me blocked). I've avoided this as I personally have no problem ignoring calls or texts. And secondly because I want to signal that the door won't be completely closed.

I want to believe that once the emotions have cleared and I have fixed myself (and she herself too) then we would honestly be great for each other. We did click on so many levels. Now I know this is not Hollywood and I know that due to the massive amount of personal development needed on my part I don't think I'll be ready for a serious relationship for at least 6 months. Then there are so many other variables. If we do meet again, whether its three months, six months a year or 3 years she might be even worse than she is now or (more than likely) not want anything to do with me.

 

[Asmodeus]

You know what's funny.

My ex logged into my Facebook recently and messaged a bunch of girls pretending to be me and basically told them all the stuff I had done and that I was no longer interested in seeing any of them. I spoke to the police out of curiosity an hour ago over the phone and they said that they could charge her for malicious behaviour.

Despite the fact that I now have a police caution which for the next 6 years could hinder my opportunities I really have no interest in pursuing this. What benefit do I derive from fvcking up her life also? A part of me wants her to know that I could have pursued this but chose not to. Be the better person and all that.

Wow... Your ex is insane... Believe me you are better off without that nutjob. What she did was a very vindictive and low thing to.
I suggest you do not charge her either, simply because if she is that vindictive to do what she did then by you reacting back she will likely get even more sour and this whole thing will keep going on. Keep on no contact and pretending that she does not matter and what she does is meaningless. Soon enough she will just give up. Hopefully this incident does not repeat itself. However, if she does this a second time then you should do it and report her to the cops...
But yeah, crazy b!tch is crazy.

 

[Gaysha]

@BeTheChange
Oh no, she is blocked everywhere but I wanted to found out who the new girl was and too easily found her instagram, blog and whatnot. She has like 10 pages and posts on them all the time.
She has a sad selfie with a comment 'when you miss your boo so much', that cracked me up man!

Yeah, and I agree with @Asmodeus, it should be better not to fuel your ex. Don't do a thing, she wants your reactions, that's why she's doing that ****.

 

[Asmodeus]

This has all the classic signs of a rebound - new gf is completely opposite of me, rushing into relationship (less than 2 weeks), over-the-top 'I miss you' and pictures and all that ****.

It is not going to last between them. They are in the honeymoon stage. In a rebound this phase is even more pronounced, however it is often shorter. After that all of it will crumble...

Or in other words, can I have in on that bet you made? I am thinking I can get get a few free Chicken McNuggets and a McFlurry off of you.

You say that you were helping her, but you did it at the cost of yourself. That is not a stable relationship. A stable relatinonship is one where both people make each other better, where both people grow together. It is not one person sacrificing themselves for the other, it is not one person's happiness at the expense of the other.

 

[BeTheChange]

@BeTheChange
Oh no, she is blocked everywhere but I wanted to found out who the new girl was and too easily found her instagram, blog and whatnot. She has like 10 pages and posts on them all the time.
She has a sad selfie with a comment 'when you miss your boo so much', that cracked me up man!

Yeah, and I agree with @Asmodeus, it should be better not to fuel your ex. Don't do a thing, she wants your reactions, that's why she's doing that ****.

Still though...looking through pictures of your ex with another person is just masochism.

I can take the idea of never seeing my ex again, even though she was my best friend but the idea of another guy balls deep in there...nah not for me. That's what hurts more than anything. Avoid at all costs until you're completely emotionally detached IMO.

 

[Asmodeus]

Storms out after another argument so I dump her and inform her father we are no longer together in order to make it final. She responds by CALLING THE POLICE and ATTEMPTING TO DESTROY MY CAREER AND LIFE. She does not relent despite days of my family and friends attempt to convince her. She even informs the police that she is willing to go to court to make sure I get sent down. I am forced to accept a caution, a stain on my record that will show up for the next 6 years in enhanced criminal checks

DEPSITE ALL THIS she still tries to JUSTIFY her actions

Classic cluster B case. She cannot take responsibility for her actions and she never will. This is the hallmark of Cluster B. These are the people I talk to every day on the psych forums... They are disconnected from any harm they cause, and from the damage they do. As if they do not even understand it, and cannot comprehend how it could be them. They find any other reason even if it is absurd to explain it away when faced with it. Never, ever accepting that the problem lies in them. This is the main problem with the disorder... I am not sure I can help you understand this. I do not understand it myself... To even realize my own past it took about the most monumental effort you can ever imagine. Quitting hard drugs, easy. Controlling impulses, simple. Withstanding immense physical pain, piece of cake. Actually trying to comprehend how I have hurt and abused someone in my distant past, that was the hardest and most incredibly arduous thing I have ever had to do and it took me YEARS to even begin to understand (and at this point the psychiatrist is almost ready to remove my original diagnosis I got when I was 21 and has seems to be writing pages of notes about my case considering it "miraculous" as if it is the psychological equivalent of finding a cure for cancer). I know it makes no sense to you... But that is what insanity is, it makes no rational sense.

She will never change... She will never have a stable relationship. She will likely never come to terms with what she did and how she hurt you. She does not understand, and you cannot fix her any attempt by you to do such will only feed into her pathology.

 

[BeTheChange]

Classic cluster B case. She cannot take responsibility for her actions and she never will. This is the hallmark of Cluster B. These are the people I talk to every day on the psych forums... They are disconnected from any harm they cause, and from the damage they do. As if they do not even understand it, and cannot comprehend how it could be them. They find any other reason even if it is absurd to explain it away when faced with it. Never, ever accepting that the problem lies in them. This is the main problem with the disorder... I am not sure I can help you understand this. I do not understand it myself... To even realize my own past it took about the most monumental effort you can ever imagine. Quitting hard drugs, easy. Controlling impulses, simple. Withstanding immense physical pain, piece of cake. Actually trying to comprehend how I have hurt and abused someone in my distant past, that was the hardest and most incredibly arduous thing I have ever had to do and it took me YEARS to even begin to understand (and at this point the psychiatrist is almost ready to remove my original diagnosis I got when I was 21 and has seems to be writing pages of notes about my case considering it "miraculous" as if it is the psychological equivalent of finding a cure for cancer). I know it makes no sense to you... But that is what insanity is, it makes no rational sense.

She will never change... She will never have a stable relationship. She will likely never come to terms with what she did and how she hurt you. She does not understand, and you cannot fix her any attempt by you to do such will only feed into her pathology.

Interesting. I wanted to avoid contextualising it for fear of making me feel bad enough to break Nc but I'm interested in your analysis.

Do you think your diagnosis changes in the context that:

• I was physically and emotionally abusive for an extended period of time (over a year)
• She was reasonably confident I had cheated
• She sacrificed everything to be with me - left her friends and family in another country, incurred massive financial costs to be with me in MY country

I actually asked her later why she reacted the way she did and even thinking back to it right now makes me feel incredibly ashamed of my behaviour. She basically said "she took the abuse, even the punches, because she loved me, that regardless of all this she could see the good in me. BUT in spite of all this sacrifice that she had shown me, all this pain she was willing to absorb I WAS THE ONE WHO DUMPED HER" That was something she just couldn't tolerate and she acted with the scorn that women are famous for.

God, I was such a scumbag. I feel so bad now.

 

[Asmodeus]

Who stays with a chick after ALL of THIS?

You would be surprised... I have been studying Cluster B myself in attempt to better understand everything. I know more about it than most psychologists as I frequently talk to people with it, and was given a Cluster B disorder diagnosis myself, thus I have a very special insight into these cases.

One thing that is very fascinating, and I see this in both your girlfriend, myself, and other cluster B cases is that the person who we are with seems to form a very strong bond. Of course that bond is not fully reciprocated. However, it is very frequent that the partner of a person with Cluster B is very strongly in love with this person. So strongly in love that they will even withstand abuses. You are actually very normal, I have ex girlfriends that needed to recover from me and felt lost and alone as you did when I left. Heck, one of them even posts on a forum dedicated to helping people recover from relationships with those with ASPD and other Cluster B disorders. Apparently I did a lot of damage to her... Also, if you need any more proof just look at all the BPD threads here of men who are recovering from Cluster B women, I think the evidence speaks for itself.

Anyway, it seems that ASPD/BPD/NPD and even HPD to a certain degree have a certain method when it comes to "love" and relationshps. It seems to be something that is innate, part of the condition. I have literally wrote pages and pages about this...

 

[BeTheChange]

However, it is very frequent that the partner of a person with Cluster B is very strongly in love with this person. So strongly in love that they will even withstand abuses. .

Based on this analysis it looks like I might have been the Cluster B pyscho and her the victim haha!

 

[Asmodeus]

God, I was such a scumbag. I feel so bad now.

Hmm...
Also another thing common with the condition is that we tend to make the partner think as if it is their fault. You are blaming yourself, I wonder if she got you to think this way. Her making you think she was the victim is a common tactic.

BPD has abandonment issues along with what I already mentioned. If she has cluster B then this would be the most logical diagnosis. (though I am not sure as I have not talked with her or assessed her outside of your descriptions).

I am not sure about her... But you are not cluster B. You freely admit you were wrong. You take responsibility. You have a temper perhaps, maybe you can find more reasonable ways to outlet your frustration. But I am sure the abuse was reciprocated, she did fool around lie to you and manipulate you so it is not as if she was a perfect angel either.

Either way, you and her had a pathologic relationship. She brought you down and it sounds that you were miserable. That is not healthy, that is not what you want in life.

 

[BeTheChange]

I feel deep sorrow for the pain I inflicted on my ex during the relationship.

Now I'm trying not to look at things with rose coloured specs because she wasn't perfect and as LYD has said a more stable girl with high self esteem would have left a long time ago (although I believe the fact she was a virgin does make this more difficult on her part).

I feel like sending her an apology. Can you guys convince me why this would be a bad idea.