The *No Contact* Challenge! ( Read this if you just got dumped)

[Spinach]

Thanks I feel like a fool. Know who and what she is and continue to give her every benefit of the doubt which she surly does not deserve. And if she did come back once again how long would she stay this time? Not long I fear. Just emotionally a mess. Need to get real with my self and move on with my potential.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Did you post about her, your relationship and the break-up somewhere on SS already? Link? If not, when you are ready and inclined, details in this thread would help us understand your situation and support you better.

Why do you feel like a fool? Are you judging something you have already done? What? Or something you expect to do? What? Are you expecting that you will get back together? Is this a cycle or scenario you have played out with her before?

 

[Spinach]

About a half dozen times..last time she was gone for 15 months...and one guy later. The fool part is that I keep coming back for more...forgive..swallow hard.. And wait for the next time. And I know she will not change. And she knows that my one weakness is the thought of her being with another. This the first time she did the dating site thing as she usually has a number of orbiters she can chose from...sigh...Details would best be in a pm format I think.

 

[Spinach]

Made it through a very long, sleepless night...One day at a time....

 

[LiveYourDream]

Don't try to hold onto someone who doesn't care about losing you.

 

[LiveYourDream]

No Contact

Will it be easy? Nope.
Will it be worth it? Absolutely.

 

[LiveYourDream]

"The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new." Socrates

 

[Asmodeus]

And I know she will not change. And she knows that my one weakness is the thought of her being with another.

There are billions of women out there... You are hanging on to one. One who has hurt you, who from the sounds of it has done so intentionally. You even realize all this. Yet you are in misery that you have lost her a woman who has brought you exponentially more pain and sorrow than happiness?

Here is what I have observed here... The truth is that breakups always follow the same chain of events, and then life goes on. If you keep focusing on it, and keep thinking about how you were hurt then you shall continue to hurt.

Another observation I have made here... Being dumped can be an incredible motivator. There are very positive elements of this seemingly negative experience that promote growth and personal prosperity. It seems like all of the men who have the most DJ qualities have experienced such in their past. That experience seems to have helped them come to a realization... That they loved another at the expense of themselves... And that the most important thing in their life is themselves, and it is the one person they should love above all. Take all the efforts and sacrifices you have made for her and redirect it toward yourself... Take all the love you shown for her, and give it to yourself... Then instead of coming out of this breakup a broken person you will instead come out more complete and stronger than you have ever been.

 

[Spinach]

Thanks for the advice. She was on line again today according to brother. And I am having trouble breathing. The thought of her even communicating with another man makes me ill. I have it bad. And I know better. She has no compassion for me and never looked back when she left this time...less than 2 weeks...And now I find out from bro that he say her profile on POF 2 months ago...while we were still a couple. I want to puke. All the platitudes and wisdom still doesn't heal the hole I have in my chest. I was doing ok until this POF stuff was revealed and I saw her profile picture. Like an electric fence you know you will get hurt if you touch it, but touch it anyway...I am suffering and I am the cause and solution. Thanks for the replies.

 

[LiveYourDream]

"One of the hardest things to do in life, is to let go of what you thought was real and to see it for what it really was."

 

[Spinach]

true that...

 

[Asmodeus]

Thanks for the advice. She was on line again today according to brother. And I am having trouble breathing. The thought of her even communicating with another man makes me ill. I have it bad. And I know better. She has no compassion for me and never looked back when she left this time...less than 2 weeks...And now I find out from bro that he say her profile on POF 2 months ago...while we were still a couple. I want to puke. All the platitudes and wisdom still doesn't heal the hole I have in my chest. I was doing ok until this POF stuff was revealed and I saw her profile picture. Like an electric fence you know you will get hurt if you touch it, but touch it anyway...I am suffering and I am the cause and solution. Thanks for the replies.

As I said, she did it intentionally... She knew how you felt, but she did all she did anyway.
Screw wisdom then, it seems to not work here... But perhaps something else may.
Divert your sorrow into something else... Anger... It is a very simple proto-emotion.
But not destructive anger... Make it constructive anger. I am filled with anger, an emotion that is primary to me, but I have found that it can be directed for the good.

Get mad at her, for hurting you... Say that you hate her for it, I know you do. You hate her as much if not more than you love her...

You will never again get her love, but you can get her envy and you can be her regret. The last thing she wants is to see you succeed. The worst fear a woman has is that she missed out on the "one that got away". Make that fear into reality. Imagine a future with you as a success, imagine a future where you are dating an incredible woman, imagine a future where you achieve greatness. Now imagine the two of you running into each other in that future, as she asks you how you have been and you glance at her overweight husband and their pathetic existence... Then you just smile as she realizes it. A realization that will put her in your shoes, and will fill her with regret and sorrow at what she lost. Imagine that future and make it a reality, seek to fulfill the vengeance. Go out and use that negativity to create something positive from it.

 

[LiveYourDream]

"Just because the past didn't turn out like you wanted it to, doesn't mean your future can't be better than you ever imagined."

 

[LiveYourDream]

All the platitudes and wisdom still doesn't heal the hole I have in my chest.

@Spinach -- Of course not. You are in shock right now. You feel blindsided. You are just trying to catch your breath. It's raw. Hang in there. Take it a moment at a time.

Be assured, you will get through this.

Don't focus on all to come or even all that has occurred. Just do this moment now, and then the next, and the one after that....until you catch your breath. Once you catch your breath, focus on that moment, and then the one after that. You will get your bearings again.

Take it one moment, one step, at a time.

 

[Spinach]

She is a different kind of woman. She is truly "alpha" completely independent, no ****s to give. Only really cares about her kids. Great mother. She is not a material girl in anyway. And she rode the **** carousal for most of her life. Her education level is way below mine. I can give her a life style she could never achieve. And she could care less. I am pretty busted up inside right now. Anger? Hard to do when she was not only your lover but companion and best friend. But then best friends don't do this to each other. She is gone. Our lives are such that we most likely will never see each other for the rest of our existence. Last time she left she was gone 15 months and we had absolutely no contact. She only came back because her ex screwed up her daughters wedding by doing drugs...and I was waiting for her. That was 8 months ago..and she started leaving about a month or so...you know the routine...limiting access to her kids, excuses of why she didn't want to go out, blah blah blah...and then she was gone...I was doing ok until this POF thing kicked me in the balls. And I am not handling this in a mature manner. Obviously.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I am not handling this in a mature manner. Obviously.

Not handling it in a mature manner would be reaching out to her, especially in desperation, via texting, calling, stalking, showing up at her door. You are handling in a mature manner. Emotions go with loss. It doesn't serve you to judge them. You are coming terms with reality. It's hard. It's raw. You are getting through it one step at a time. This journey and No Contact is not for the weak. Give yourself credit. Be steadfast in telling yourself the truth. You will get through this.

Here is a refresher on The Five Stages of Grief. Remember they are not always linear. They can cycle backwards and forwards, as you heal different layers.

[/USER]

 

[Gaysha]

Day 21.

I know couple of you posted how some of us use NC to get our ex back after my post (on page 471)... but the thing is I really don't want her back. I realized that would be a huge mistake, I'm really better off, I'm happier, I do thing I enjoy (didn't have time for them when I was with her) etc.
But all I want is her grief after the realization what she lost. I want her to feel what I felt.
Does that make me bad? I don't know. I'm ok and will continue to be, without her in my life. I love her but can't forgive her what she did to me.

She visited my profile on the forum where we both are (you can see who visits you). I don't know why she did it but I was like 'wtf you want now' (in my mind ofc).

 

[Asmodeus]

Just the initial shock... It all shall pass, and with each passing day you will find more clarity. Time heals all wounds.

. And she rode the **** carousal for most of her life. Her education level is way below mine

Yeah, and I would say that you deserve much better than her.

She only came back because her ex screwed up her daughters wedding by doing drugs...and I was waiting for her

You deserve so much better than her... She was just using you out of convenience there.

She has nothing to offer you. She is toxic. Theoretically, if you ended up marrying her you will end up miserable and she will simply use you out of convenience (as she has done to you in the past already). She will NEVER change... The fact that she is gone and out of your life is a blessing.

 

[Asmodeus]

but the thing is I really don't want her back. I realized that would be a huge mistake, I'm really better off, I'm happier, I do thing I enjoy (didn't have time for them when I was with her) etc.

Success!

But all I want is her grief after the realization what she lost. I want her to feel what I felt.
Does that make me bad?

No that makes you normal... Anger is a common reaction to loss, hurt, and pain... But make sure you direct it properly. The best revenge is to be the "one" that got away. Your ex may say that she wishes you the best, but it is just a lie. If you fail than it justifies her leaving you, if you succeed then she will have the regret that she left you.

So this can motivate you to improve, to get better. Use this anger to transform yourself. Once you do and you attain all that success then you will come to a new realization, that all the success that you brought upon yourself made you stronger and wiser to the point where she will no longer even mean anything as you would likely find yourself in much better circumstances and not even care to waste any thought on her.

 

[BeTheChange]

Ten days is actually quite fortunate. Some men lose themselves into another cycle with the woman. Some lose years of their life, because they thought/hoped that she and he are both different now, so this time getting back together will be the special one where it will/can finally work out for the two of them. I understand the draw and the temptation. Be VERY, VERY careful with your choices, when opening the door to reengage on any level.

Day 1

Golden advice. Don't reopen the door. Ex chased and chased and I relented. She got stuck on the fact "I fvcked" and she didn't (still sucked d1ck though!) She recently found a facebook conversation of me making vague arrangements to see another woman (ex and i are on and off so much its hard to keep track was my excuse) We got into an argument about another woman I had slept with while we were broken up among a few other things. She blocks me. I try and call her. Doesn't get through. I sense what is going on. She is going to use this indignation to meet and fvck some guy. I could just feel it. Something similar happened last year. Last year she told me she'd slept with someone during our break and I replied with a naked photo of a girl i slept with (not proud of this just telling the facts). In that time I tried phoning her to apologise but she didn't care. It was only after the act that she came back. Of course I didn't find out till later what she had done and by then she already had her claws deep back in me.

This time i could see the signs and knew how it was all going to play out. I tried my best to contact her but she hangs up each time before I can speak. She doesn't want to be convinced out of the decision she has made for herself. It killed me. I just thought to myself. Let's be honest here. She's had an argument with you and her response is to "get even" by ****ing another guy. No two ways about it. Ii knew in my mind that i had not done anything to justify this in a sense of her response being way out of proportion to the original offense. In that moment I decided no matter how painful, no matter how much time has been wasted (3 good years of my life) I had to leave this woman. Best friend, first love, perfect for each other on paper. It didn't matter. Like heroine, staying in this relationship would destroy me. I mean, what more does she have to do for me to leave her? She either doesn't respect me at all or is so emotionally impulsive to make a long term relationship and emotional investment an unsummountable risk.

When it comes to ignoring texts and calls I'm quite good. It's only when she is banging on my door, crying, begging for me. I hear her voice and it's hard to resist. This sh*t is a drug. And it will destroy me if I allow it. I've taken drastic measures. I know she goes on holiday on Friday and it works out that she comes back just as I leave so I won't in fact be back till mid August. That means provided I can get through this week they'll be at least a 30 day period where I can avoid her completely. I'm hoping this will be sufficient to make ongoing NC easier since I anticipate the first 2 weeks is where I'll be the most vulnerable.

As I write this now she is probably in bed with another man. I sent her a long "thinking out loud message" on Skype telling her I knew what was happening and that I was leaving and that she probably wouldn't hear from me again, possibly forever and that was that.

I've blocked her from every possible method of communication. Ive also (and this is crucial) booked a hotel from Monday evening till Friday close to work in order to avoid coming home (as she lives very close to me) because knowing her she will reach out (probably Wednesday or Thursday after another h0eish binge) to reconcile and right now my emotions are too fvcked up to fight.

Not going to lie guys. It's 3 am. I'm dying inside and know once the numbness subsides I'm going to miss her so damn much. It's going to be hard but I know it will be worth it. And I honestly believe the confidence you get from leaving a sub standard woman ESPECIALLY when you know she will be chasing you and still "loves you", not to mention the massive emotional investment, it will stay with you for life. Half the battle is doing it. And my problem is I have never done NC before with someone I actually loved. The way I see it. If I can walk away from this without relenting, then I can walk away from anything.