At a fork in the road of life. ( LTR Advice Needed )

[Prime_Beef]

When Prime_Beef was dating Mrs. Beef, after a couple, few months, Mr. Beef disappeared for a couple weeks. .. Frantically, Mrs Beef reached me by phone and I simply told her I was busy, call you in a few. Mr Beef had to take a quick time out.. coz. I knew.. I either quit this woman now and get back to my hedonistic (but empty) ways or commit, knowing without a doubt this was headed to marriage, and she was probably "the one" or one of "the ones" I'd encounter in life. Mrs. Beef came very real with her pursuit, was cute, educated, never lied, sh*t tested, had integrity, industriousness, and was very good with kids. In short, her game was tight and I knew it. There's a lot to what Liveyourdream says. If it's there and you feel it but have cold feet, picture yourself and how you imagine living with a woman 5, 10 yrs in the future . Does she fit the bill? Take the sex, sexiness out of the equation .. If you don't feel it move on

 

[jgoodz]

OP, I read your post. I didn't read all the others so this may be redundant.

You did state that last summer you brought up the idea of the two of you living together. If this is true, some of the issues that have arisen can be directly attributed to that singular action.

It's very similar to who says "I love you" first in a relationship.

I've come to notice that in an LTR that a women who dates a man with a strong frame is willing to let him lead and also willing to wait for him to change the dynamic of the relationship (moving in, marrige, I love you, kids etc.), and this is exactly what you did.

By telling her you wanted to move in she believed that you were more emotionally invested (keep in mind that a woman's number one currency is emotion). By taking it away, she now believes that her value in your eye has dropped.

So what does she do?? She panicked. She knows she's a bit older and has spent the last year and a half with you (her time investment which was going to see an R.O.I. with your emotional investment) and now feels devalued.

This whole process makes you feel pressured because she feels she needs validation that you still are emotionally invested.(women never want to go backward in relationships).

Truth be told: once you said you were moving in, she probably told friends and family how excited she was that the relationship was progressing. (A women's second currency, social validation). You pulled back and the the opinions started flying.

I'm posting this to give you perspective from the other side of the issue. It may come in handy some day.

That is extremely insightful and a great point of view. You pretty much nailed it. That is EXACTLY what happened. She let me lead...I said I love you first.... then within 8 months I was head over heels for her... and was considering asking her to marry me... but figured we move in first.... again things fell through. Something happened a long the way an unspoken thing. Which was mainly what you said. She felt as though I was pulling back... which in a sense I was. She even said what you said 'I thought we were moving forward, I don't want to be moving backwards. " And also she did tell family and friends! Now I feel terrible!

 

[jgoodz]

You knew her for six month, then you were going to sell your house & move in with her. Is'nt that a little quick?

It was actually 8 months but yea that was a little quick. Hell! I was even considering on proposing at that time! I said I love you within 3 months. :/

 

[jgoodz]

When Prime_Beef was dating Mrs. Beef, after a couple, few months, Mr. Beef disappeared for a couple weeks. .. Frantically, Mrs Beef reached me by phone and I simply told her I was busy, call you in a few. Mr Beef had to take a quick time out.. coz. I knew.. I either quit this woman now and get back to my hedonistic (but empty) ways or commit, knowing without a doubt this was headed to marriage, and she was probably "the one" or one of "the ones" I'd encounter in life. Mrs. Beef came very real with her pursuit, was cute, educated, never lied, sh*t tested, had integrity, industriousness, and was very good with kids. In short, her game was tight and I knew it. There's a lot to what Liveyourdream says. If it's there and you feel it but have cold feet, picture yourself and how you imagine living with a woman 5, 10 yrs in the future . Does she fit the bill? Take the sex, sexiness out of the equation .. If you don't feel it move on

How old were you? How old was she? I've thought about the 5-10 years down the line part of it. And I was scared that we would have kids but possibly get divorced or be sick of each other. or opposite. or I continued dating until I found someone 'better' and then see what happens . I looked at all scenarios yet I couldn't predict the future. Cold feet got the best of me in the end here. And now I'm stuck with a whole fat load of nothing.

 

[Rainman4707]

It was actually 8 months but yea that was a little quick. Hell! I was even considering on proposing at that time! I said I love you within 3 months. :/

I don't think you're the only one who feel like that. ^^^^^^^ some guys move in after 3 month get married & have kids.

My GF turned 32 in March. I've told her, her clock is ticking (she fuc*ing hates me saying that)
I can understand your concern as your girl is 35. I agree with you, you have to start trying for children .VERY SOON.

Don't know what I can tell you now jgoodz. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders. I think it's a big problem that she dose'nt seem in a rush to have kids.

How about her staying over at yours or visa versa?

Obviously these big life choices are hugely diffficult

 

[Prime_Beef]

There's no way to know the future. Mrs Beef was 31, I was 36,37. She happily signed a prenup and had no qualms about it, I knew she was in it for the right reasons. There's no perfect woman, no perfect man, it's what you make. If your woman is flexible and understanding you may pull it off but she'd be stupid to play about this for too long, and you'd lose respect for her if she did.

 

[ubercat]

@jgoodz about the living arrangements you need to frame the decision as .... having some place for us, somewhere cool.

Then you both sell your places and buy something BETTER. If she moves out of her place and has to accept going down she will become resentful. And it has to be something she cares about, e.g. jacuzzi walk in wardrobe, nicer Neighborhood basically something she can boast to her friends about that give that that going up in the world vibe. Good woman or not most r built that way.