The woman I am involved with dated this dude on and off in the past. Last time was 6 months ago when he ruined her daughters wedding by going off with some chick and doing drugs rather than being at the wedding. She ended it with him and we have been a couple since then. Relationship with me has been on and off for the past 8 years. The last break was 1.5 years long. This time I would like to make it stick. Anyway, the ex's father died. She was very close with his family, knowing them for the past 30 years. He contacted telling her of the death. She went to the pre funeral family gathering to pay respects. The wake is tomorrow and funeral the next day. She stated she will attend both. I suspect he is not over her in anyway... What say the board regarding this and more importantly how do I respond. Trust has always been an issue with me in regard to her past, with her being in two relationships when we were not a couple. I suspect her total count would be more than I want to know as she is a redhead that has a number of orbiters. My first instinct is to be highly pissed. But then that shows weakness. I asked to attend with her but she said it would be a slap in the ex's face during a time of family crisis. Anyway, what to do? I hate the jealousy that this brings to me. Not cool. Advice please. Oh and I am way past just going out and hooking up with some plate. Thanks in advance.
So what is funeral protocal with an ex?
- Thread starter Spinach
- Start date
Tictac
Banned
Let it go. It's not your place to try and keep her panties on at a family gathering.
If you don't really trust her that much, what the hell are you doing with her anyway?
If you don't really trust her that much, what the hell are you doing with her anyway?
Your words: "I suspect he is not over her in anyway."
The meaning: He's going to hit on her and I'm not quite sure if she still has feelings for him. If she goes she may cheat on me or worse.....get back with him leaving me alone.
Tough spot. Take Tictac's advice.
The meaning: He's going to hit on her and I'm not quite sure if she still has feelings for him. If she goes she may cheat on me or worse.....get back with him leaving me alone.
Tough spot. Take Tictac's advice.
CMNILS87
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I've been in this spot. Don't worry about it and fill your mind with other stuff. I had a GF who got dumped by the guy before me. She bonded well with his family and even after they were broken up 2 years she still went and was a bridesmaid in her ex's sisters wedding. I thought it was weird as hell to be that attached to an ex's family. Anyways, the wedding came and went. I was so busy with my own stuff I totally forgot about it and was out at the lakes partying. She sent me a pic in a dress and I asked what she was all dressed up for? She said the wedding was that day....oops I forgot.
Moral of the story: fill yourself up with other stuff to do besides worry about it
Moral of the story: fill yourself up with other stuff to do besides worry about it
I guess that is exactly what I am going to have to do. Makes no sense grinding my teeth about something I can't change. She had an interesting comment: "Remember I am with you, not him. I have not forgotten what he did....." Still uncomfortable about the emotional overlay that comes with such events and the sympathy card he will most likely play. But she is a big girl and will do what she needs to do. My life will go on no matter the outcome. Thanks for the replies.
Scaramouche
Master Don Juan
Hi Spinach,
Relax,she is not interested in the ex just respecting the passing of an old friend,her ex is a no-hoper she has found a good Man,why wouldn't she she be good?
Relax,she is not interested in the ex just respecting the passing of an old friend,her ex is a no-hoper she has found a good Man,why wouldn't she she be good?
logicallefty
Moderator
If you have no other immediate issues with this woman and everything between you and her has otherwise been good, I wouldn't sweat over this. As others have said, do other things to take your mind off of it. Whatever you do don't call or text her during the service. And I would let her be the first to contact you afterward. If for some reason she does not contact you within a day or so after the service, then you can start to worry.
I guess what ever happens I need to be good. This will be a good indication of what the future will be with her. Things happen for a reason, might as well accept it and see how she handles this. Thanks again for the collective wisdom.
This is unfortunately one of those tests that life throws at us unexpectedly. I say you mentally prepare for things to go south if your gut starts giving you signals.
She already went to the pre-funeral gathering and paid her respects. Does she also need to keep exposing herself for instances of contact with the ex?
Just an alternative way to think of things.
True that something probably wouldn't happen. But it's still a pretty dangerous setup. Emotionally charged girl who got dumped by a dude... dude is there ready to take some initiative...
What you said before is right. "Because she is a woman."
She already went to the pre-funeral gathering and paid her respects. Does she also need to keep exposing herself for instances of contact with the ex?
Just an alternative way to think of things.
True that something probably wouldn't happen. But it's still a pretty dangerous setup. Emotionally charged girl who got dumped by a dude... dude is there ready to take some initiative...
What you said before is right. "Because she is a woman."
Well, today is the day of the wake. She will attend but not attend the funeral tomorrow as she works. He did contact her and ask if she was interested in coming over to the house after the funeral service. She said no as she was not attending. As I said, not a bloody thing I can do about this. If she will cheat, it won't be just a funeral, there will be other signs which I will surely note. As one of the posters mentioned, if I don't trust her in this situation, why would I want to spend my life wondering about other possibilities. I guess I need to believe her when she says that he "is a friend" but she has no interest in re establishing a relationship with him. Seems I have heard that sh*t before... So I will wait till she calls after the viewing. Am I happy about it? Hell no. But I guess this is one of those situations where you swallow hard and see what the future brings. Time for a Scotch or three...Thanks for the replies.
Bring out the scotch.
I'm sure she's enjoying all of this emotion right now. And...it also seems that you don't really trust her. Maybe you rationalize in your mind that she can be trusted. How can she even put a label on him as a "friend?" General rule is that exes aren't even friends. They don't exist. That's how serious a girl should be if she wants my companionship. But that's just me.
Also, judging by your age, I'm guessing your GF and her ex aren't that young. I apologize if I'm wrong, but I assume that the father should have been really old by now. If anything, it should only be a short-lived crisis for the family, as they should have already been expecting his passing (my grandfather died only 2 weeks ago).
My point is, she might be playing the emotional crisis card on you. For me, she should pay her respects to the old man, away from the ex. That's good enough. That would have been my boundary. Would she be understanding enough to see your point of view? Is it a sign of weakness to bring it up? Regardless, it would be my way of calling bullsh*t when I see it.
I'm sure she's enjoying all of this emotion right now. And...it also seems that you don't really trust her. Maybe you rationalize in your mind that she can be trusted. How can she even put a label on him as a "friend?" General rule is that exes aren't even friends. They don't exist. That's how serious a girl should be if she wants my companionship. But that's just me.
Also, judging by your age, I'm guessing your GF and her ex aren't that young. I apologize if I'm wrong, but I assume that the father should have been really old by now. If anything, it should only be a short-lived crisis for the family, as they should have already been expecting his passing (my grandfather died only 2 weeks ago).
My point is, she might be playing the emotional crisis card on you. For me, she should pay her respects to the old man, away from the ex. That's good enough. That would have been my boundary. Would she be understanding enough to see your point of view? Is it a sign of weakness to bring it up? Regardless, it would be my way of calling bullsh*t when I see it.
CMNILS87
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i sure as **** guarantee if he was dating someone else right now, he wouldn't be inviting his ex to the funeral.
The deceased was 81. Passed unexpectedly post surgery. She is 47. Ex is 48. She has articulated that she understands and respects my feelings but will attend the visitation. As she said it is in a church full of people, go through the line and contact me when she returns. A very good point about if ex had a current woman he would not have contacted. Frankly I grow weary worrying about it and will deal with any indication of further contact or interest on her part as it occurs. Way I figure worse case scenario is that she goes back to him and I move on. It would suck but happened before and I am still standing. I am seriously way to old for this crap. Thanks guys for your perspectives.
CMNILS87
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woah chill dude. your mind is going worst case scenario. go workout
MatureDJ
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BINGO!
Also, she's a 47 year old woman, and therefore not much of a loss. Finding a new woman of that vintage - even one in decent shape - is like shooting fish in a barrel.
speed dawg
Master Don Juan
Spinach, you already know what to do so I won't comment there.
The thing I would caution you about, is WHY you are worried about this. You are exhibiting every telltale sign of one-itis. You need to back off and stop the neediness or she WILL leave you, whether it's this guy or the next one who comes along.
The thing I would caution you about, is WHY you are worried about this. You are exhibiting every telltale sign of one-itis. You need to back off and stop the neediness or she WILL leave you, whether it's this guy or the next one who comes along.
