Possible HPD/BPD ex girlfriend? - Not your usual story.

[searching solace]

Thank you again.

I have read those sites above before and although some behaviour is similar (as I'd imagine it'd be with a lot of attractive women), some of it isn't. She never ever had a fear of abandonment, wasn't insecure or jealous. I think she could just feel that I probably loved her less than vice versa, and she couldn't live with that anymore, which I understand. I am guilty of not appreciating her more when I had her and I could have showed her I cared more - I thought she'd never really leave. Looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't. Although she may have her fair share of issues, she was very young when I met her and just wanted a hollywood romance, which I wasn't able to give her consistently. She acted out to see if I cared. I think I'm looking for you to say that 'yes she was a psycho / yes she was borderline - run!' so that I can feel better about the fact she is actually gone now, and so I can rationalise in my own head that it's for the best.

I will take all your advice regardless, and I won't ever contact her again, I can see that really is for the best now. I do hope she can find what she's looking for elsewhere.

I am having a reassessment of my whole life and I want to get to the bottom of my own issues first and foremost. Not sure if it's narcissism but I'm probably guilty of being 'too nice' and of not knowing when to just f*cking walk away.

Searching.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I will take all your advice regardless, and I won't ever contact her again, I can see that really is for the best now. I do hope she can find what she's looking for elsewhere.

I am having a reassessment of my whole life and I want to get to the bottom of my own issues first and foremost.

If you do those two things consistently, in one year, your world will look remarkably different. You'll look back in amazement at these posts here, so thankful that you choose to move forward in your life and not backwards. I encourage you to do just that. Commit to the two items bolded above, follow through consistently and then come back here in a year and update us on how you have healed and how amazing your life has become as a result. You can do it! Best wishes to you!

 

[searching solace]

@searching solace That email was not from her mom... She must have made a fake account to make you think it was, it is just too unusual. She is playing some kind of manipulation on you and you should get out. She has some degree of ASPD either psychopathy/sociopathy or some degree of such.
She did quite the job on you. Seen stuff like that before.
Let me tell you how it plays out... She is first very charming, likely the most charming girl you have ever met. You think you are entertaining an exciting relationship, but it is not actually real and her loving persona is a complete fabrication.
She does not bond with you but you bond with her. She would saturate you with a false notions of love and adoration but you cannot tell the difference in your daze of infatuation. It makes you vulnerable, love is like a drug and people in it they cannot think straight, they become attached to it. She gaslights and douses you, giving you just enough attention for you to have reason to stay while she ignites you and everyone around you. You become conditioned with this... You accept these small crumbs of love she feeds you, it is behaviorism... She breaks your self esteem, makes you doubt yourself. You become the problem and not her. She gains control, steals from you your self respect and dignity.
But at some point she cannot hold it up, the manipulations become more and more difficult to maintain, and then you are discarded. And you get the sense that she never truly cared at all, and she likely did not.
She is a psychopath.
Believe me, it is far worse than BPD. If you do not believe me just scour through forums of people who lived through a relationship with one.
It is in the mind, a diseases perhaps I am not sure...

It was definitely from her mother. Her mother even called me after and left a voicemail expressing her confusion of how I'd received the email instead of her husband. She'd sent me emails by mistake in the past, too. It was just a (big) mistake which set me back quite a lot.

And yes she was charming at first, but we never ever had a 'honeymoon' period. It was up and down from the start. She never withdrew affection or anything like that, but she was often very unstable. Whether her persona and love was a fabrication or not, I'll never really know that for sure, but she sure did seem to to discard me easily and stop caring quickly, and I've certainly questioned whether she ever really cared. To be honest, I wish I had that ability. The breakup came after a skype call where she was naked. I didn't really react or pay her compliments for some reason. That was the last straw for her. Perhaps she figured she no longer had the desired effect on me.

 

[searching solace]

I'm having a really low couple of days and seem to have slipped into a depression. I have many regrets about the way I acted and treated her when I was with her. There were times when she'd tell me she wasn't happy with things, asking me if I wasn't worried that I might lose her if I didn't change things and how I was acting. I often responded nonchalantly and I'm absolutely kicking myself at how fvcking complacent I was... how I let things get to this stage.

I am so tempted to reach out to her right now. It's pathetic. I haven't heard from her in almost 5 weeks, been broken up 2.5 months. I thought no contact was meant to make things easier, not give you a chance to dwell on things and realise and form regrets. She's likely seeing someone new now too.

Apart from those first 6 months or so when she was unstable and young, she wasn't too problematic, until this breakup and how she handled it.

Why am I having such a hard time accepting she's gone for good this time?

 

[Asmodeus]

Don't reach out. You will only start this all over again. Wounds take time to heal. If you reach out you are just opening it and it may grow worse, or fester.
You need to get a bit of pvssy, go find some other girl or something to get your mind off her. You put way too much emotions in this one girl. Love must be tempered, you must control your compassion just the same as you control your anger and hate. If you fall too deep into it, you become like this.
Let me be honest with you, love is a drug. It is! And it affects the same parts of the brain which cocaine do. Thee are dozens of studies which show this:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/205973.php
Thus, you have become addicted to her and the feeling of love she gave you. This is because you did not control it, you did not temper it. You are always looking for that hit, that high that she provided. But you will never get it from her again. So you need to kick the habit, you need to get rid of her and forget about her.
You are right now in withdrawal, the same as any addict. But over time you will begin to feel numb to this feeling, soon enough you will get better.
But if she comes back, then it starts all over again. You will be reminded of her, you will get the cravings for her love again.
Take control...

 

[salinechow]

Don't reach out. You will only start this all over again. Wounds take time to heal. If you reach out you are just opening it and it may grow worse, or fester.
You need to get a bit of pvssy, go find some other girl or something to get your mind off her. You put way too much emotions in this one girl. Love must be tempered, you must control your compassion just the same as you control your anger and hate. If you fall too deep into it, you become like this.
Let me be honest with you, love is a drug. It is! And it affects the same parts of the brain which cocaine do. Thee are dozens of studies which show this:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/205973.php
Thus, you have become addicted to her and the feeling of love she gave you. This is because you did not control it, you did not temper it. You are always looking for that hit, that high that she provided. But you will never get it from her again. So you need to kick the habit, you need to get rid of her and forget about her.
You are right now in withdrawal, the same as any addict. But over time you will begin to feel numb to this feeling, soon enough you will get better.
But if she comes back, then it starts all over again. You will be reminded of her, you will get the cravings for her love again.
Take control...

I dont have a lot of time tonight, yet, I remember being there, were you are. @Asmodeus Is right though. And so was I "Henry" I didnt type that from only a clinician's point of view but from a comrades. You must man up and face facts. She is gone. She belongs gone. Everything you are experiencing, is normal and we all have. My main oneitis is still there. Almost 2 years later. It is a natural design of the human mind and soul. Yet, it doesn't mean its right, the end all be all, or insurmountable. Your self doubts and rose colored glasses are normal, yes, even this far in, maybe longer. Yet, its part of being a man, and why you came here in the first place to SS... to endure it and not fold. There is no way out of true pain, accept diligent acceptance and time. NOONE said it would be easy to take the advice that is given, or understanding knowledge, and truth, in fact its hard. However, because its hard, or challenges the depths of your understanding does not change the TRUTH.

You are better off each day you do not contact.
You may never fully see its rewards, but they are no less valid.
Embrace the pain instead of fighting it, but, do not deviate from the path of truth.
SPIN PLATES! This is not some DJ tactic as it is, finding a blinding light of a girl who will speed your process and point you back at yourself in a positive way.
Explore mental health growth. Use the energies you once spent on others, including her, to grow. Use the pain as a motivator to distract and grow in knowledge.
Acceptance, mourning, is part of the process. Timeline is not important. Truth is important. Ultimately.
Even if you must carry a torch for an old flame, DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD ACT ON IT.
Read read read. Drill Drill Drill. Find new habit and new truths. Yours are not sound. I have been there. It is not to be trusted. GROW out of it.
We are the voices calling you back towards the real you. Hear them. Research it if you must to PROVE we are right. We give you truth and knowledge. Your self doubt is part of a real process, but it is not the TRUTH.
Pursue truth, not one person who kicked your heart around. RE-READ this thread until you can recite it.
I am a broken man from my oneitis for sure. I will never forget her. I dont even want to. IN THAT though. I am a better man. 10 fold.
Accept, embrace, grow, earn, prove, yourself. If anything you had was indeed real love( it wasn't dude) the best way to experience that now, is to love yourself, and move on. Let her do the same. Separately. If it was anything, you seem to think, it will be even past our physical beings. But in this timeline, in this space, in this existence. True love, is moving on forever.
If you really want to love her, love her for what she taught you to no longer be, and how she was the breaking point of you realizing your own true self and value. In this case, love is IN-action forever. Its solidarity. Now, keep moving on, and forward. Loving her, is now loving yourself. Listen and you'll see.

 

[LiveYourDream]

If you really want to love her, love her for what she taught you to no longer be, and how she was the breaking point of you realizing your own true self and value. In this case, love is IN-action forever. Its solidarity. Now, keep moving on, and forward. Loving her, is now loving yourself. Listen and you'll see.

The whole post was spot on salinechow. This part above is especially golden in my eyes and often missed by many. I appreciate your deep and authentic sharing and all the wisdom within it.

 

[searching solace]

Let her do the same. Separately. If it was anything, you seem to think, it will be even past our physical beings. But in this timeline, in this space, in this existence. True love, is moving on forever.
If you really want to love her, love her for what she taught you to no longer be, and how she was the breaking point of you realizing your own true self and value. In this case, love is IN-action forever. Its solidarity. Now, keep moving on, and forward. Loving her, is now loving yourself. Listen and you'll see.

Damn, those posts were hard to read. I know that what you are saying makes sense and is the right thing to do. I just hate losing people, especially when it's due to my own stupid complacency. I can never seem to appreciate something when I have it. I can't seem to see past my current feeling and consider how bad things might get if I don't act. Only realising how much I love her when she's gone. These regrets of letting her go so easily are eating me up. Why did I not act when it could still have been saved? I only acted and realised my feelings when it was too late and no longer mattered to her. I gave her every reason to move on and she did.

I have been in love and had my heart broken before so this is not new to me. The last time, I did everything I could and had no regrets so it was easier to move forward.

I just have to keep telling myself that even though during those first 6 months with her, she was young and immature, the warning signs were there that the relationship was always going to be difficult with her. And that I am better off without in the long-run. That's the only way I'm gonna stay sane and not contact her. After 3 years, she moved on very quickly, probably with multiple guys, and last I saw, she is more than fine and probably happier without me.

Thanks again, guys, your sentiment is very helpful and appreciated.

 

[Glumix]

I am in pretty much the same process than you.

It's useless to try to explain what SHE is. There is 1'000 different lists of xPD traits.

You only want to know what YOU are and solve your own flaws. You know the truth about what she DID and that is the only thing that is actually important for you. Build from there. Because this is the truth. And basically it is only about not letting anybody to fvck up your life anymore like she did.

You do not have to understand the reasons WHY she did that. There are 1'000 theories about that. Just know that you allowed her and you were unwilling to protect yourself because of your weaknesses, your fears. Here you have to discover the truth about yourself.

Most of the guys here (including me) try to understand H/N/BPD only to be sure that they will never change and never be happy in their life. This is narcissistic. The only goal of this is trying to sooth our pain. Our pain come from that very narcissism and what we call loss of the object. The object is the other.

There is nobody here who can actually tell us for sure that our crazy-exes will not one day change for the good or even that the only fact that we dumped them or went NC didn't induce enough suffering in them that WE actually triggered their own reconstruction.

The truth is what she did to you. Don't forget that and focus on yourself.
You did your best, thanks her because now you will become better.

 

[GS750]

My experience with a BPD...she turned my world upside down. The articles a gettinbetter.com and some advice from the guys here helped me get through it. I finally went 100% no contact and it has been close to a year. But as Saline stated above, I'm thankful to her. I have zero interest in speaking to her or seeing her ever again. But I'm thankful because no unstable woman will ever fool me again. Not ever. It's like walking through hell with gasoline boots on and then poof...your eyes are opened. Now I'm in a healthy relationship with a stable, giving, supportive, non-selfish woman. The opposite of the BPD psycho. listen to the advice here and then move forward without giving her a second thought. She doesn't deserve it.

 

[salinechow]

In reply to your last post OP....

"I just hate losing people, especially when it's due to my own stupid complacency."

Classic self blame as described above. Classic NPD trait. Easy to spot because I am too. Classic reason YOU draw in and are drawn to, woman that behave like this. Its not your fault. Grow. You can do that with the acceptance of who you are and learn, tiny step, by tiny step to modify you expectations about love, life, and relationship culture. Gotta read the material out there? Did you even look at the websites provided and reinforced by those you are turning to for help? You are a product of conditioning. The "Henry" story. I wrote that so accurately @searching solace because I wrote it from my own perspective. The reward centers in your brain are BROKEN dude. Not beyond repair of course, but it takes acceptance and work to repair. Do it with me! Join the journey of authentic and manly growth. STOP living in the past of this girl. Stop allowing any misguided feeling being the rudder of your future. Hijack the wheel back.

" I can never seem to appreciate something when I have it. "

Same as above. And....NOOOOOO. You absolutely can and do. Yet, your narcissistic, super ego, thats mostly a facade to cover insecurities, thinks you can fix ANYTHING. Cause you are smart enough, strong enough, man enough. Oh yeah? You think so huh? You think you are smarter or more equipped than countless thousands of hrs of personal experiences, doctorate training, medical journals, and human counseling. You know what? With NPD traits. You might actually think so. OK smart boy, tough guy. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, man. You think your tough enough to fix her? Or something you would have done differently would have been the key to her heart and soul? THAN FIX YOUR G)D DAMN self first!!!!!! JUst like I have too!!!!!!!! Get with the reality of this MAN. You are being so self absorbed you cant see the blessing of all the riches of wisdom that have fallen onto your head. THE GREATNESS of your repaired and INCREDIBILE life starts this instant. You ungrateful moron. Its not YOU its HER. And what wasn't HER....is you! Accept its over without regret from this day forward. I PROMISE, WE are RIGHT. You WILL see it, one day. Expedite the journey and love yourself enough to know you did the best you could. You did not lose her. You did not get rejected. Nothing you could have done WOULD have ever worked. Its not real or meant to be. Hear the voices Henry.

"I can't seem to see past my current feeling and consider how bad things might get if I don't act."

I could have written this myself. Mine threatened so many times that when I would go dark because of some disrespectful thing she said, that she would one day never return to chase me, that she was convinced she didn't love me.Thats sick dude. She was trying to take away the only reprecussion for her bad behavior to totally control me, emasculate me, and secure me for her blood sucking. Whats worse, the more I loved, the more I was respectful of her, flex my boundaries for her, or even convinced her I was right....the more torture I was in for the next time. For the tiniest infraction. You and I both becasme conditioned to think there was just one more enduring step to take before we reached gold. The carrot of ,engagement, commitment, loving words, sex, all just a tiny bit more out of reach. THATS WHY YOU STILL FEEL THAT WAY!!!!!! It was NOTHING about love. It was manipulation that you and I both allowed! Or, couldn't even see. But.....It finally over. And, it over on our terms. We lost all the battles, for her, but we win the war for ourselves. We know we were in fact wonderful, and gold. These girls just didnt see it. They are broken, and all that love you will ever have, and mine too, WILL not fix it. These girls must one day figure it out for themselves. We hope. Yet, thank God we dont have to endure the days till they do.

"I have been in love and had my heart broken before so this is not new to me. The last time, I did everything I could and had no regrets so it was easier to move forward."

Because,....That was probably a hell of a lot more healthy relationship. And for people like us, until we realize, accept and try to repair ourselves, move on from healthy relationships much faster. Why? Because they are not as stimulating as the ELECTRIC shock we were conditioned to feel. All consuming puzzle to solve. Fictitious rewards at the end. We are designed by our nature and upbringing to crave the stimulation of the unachievable. It distracts us from facing ourselves. You know Im right. You know you can see it in yourself too. If you get honest. Dont believe me, again, read the literature and apply it honestly to yourself. Your brokenness is not your fault. Unless you do nothing about it.


"After 3 years, she moved on very quickly, probably with multiple guys, and last I saw, she is more than fine and probably happier without me."

Classic, textbook Cluster B. She is probably wonderful to him too. FOR NOW. Love bombing and behaving and telling herself things are going to be different this time. %99 percent chance, its only a matter of time till she abuses that guy too. He might even endure it with a smile. A balless beta buck, unknowingly dying everyday. My ex showed very little indication of the wrath of confusion and abuse for quite some time. Treats, treats, treats, shock. Thats how it starts. If she hauled off and hit, screamed, cursed, spit, freak out, overcalled,acted jealous, needy, crazy all in the first few weeks, me and you would have moved on without a second thought right away. "That b!tch was crazy.Peace." Anyone would. Thats why they turn up the heat slow, to secure your conditioning and victimization. No male abuser starts roughing up a chick on the first few dates. Nope, he usually waits till he know shes invested. First a verbal belittling, then grabbing and shoving, till later on in the relationship shes got 2 black eyes, a swollen lip and is afraid of him, while she tells her best friends in sobbs how much she knows he loves her, and she just loves him. He swears its the last time. He cant live with out her. These chicks do the same thing to us man, its just that woman are usually not as physically combative because they are typically weaker. Although, not always.

Come on man. Please.....

Yesterday is not your fault. Tomorrow is.

In solidarity and hopefulness,
-Saline

 

[Glumix]

What happen to the trigger happy admins that at one point were closing threads left and right or banning people for stupid stuff, cough cough. Let the OP learn the hard way, don't waste your time on him.

Stop being a ****. What Saline and others wrote in this thread is useful for many.

 

[searching solace]

In reply to your last post OP....

"I just hate losing people, especially when it's due to my own stupid complacency."

Classic self blame as described above. Classic NPD trait. Easy to spot because I am too. Classic reason YOU draw in and are drawn to, woman that behave like this. Its not your fault. Grow. You can do that with the acceptance of who you are and learn, tiny step, by tiny step to modify you expectations about love, life, and relationship culture. Gotta read the material out there? Did you even look at the websites provided and reinforced by those you are turning to for help? You are a product of conditioning. The "Henry" story. I wrote that so accurately @searching solace because I wrote it from my own perspective. The reward centers in your brain are BROKEN dude. Not beyond repair of course, but it takes acceptance and work to repair. Do it with me! Join the journey of authentic and manly growth. STOP living in the past of this girl. Stop allowing any misguided feeling being the rudder of your future. Hijack the wheel back.

" I can never seem to appreciate something when I have it. "

Same as above. And....NOOOOOO. You absolutely can and do. Yet, your narcissistic, super ego, thats mostly a facade to cover insecurities, thinks you can fix ANYTHING. Cause you are smart enough, strong enough, man enough. Oh yeah? You think so huh? You think you are smarter or more equipped than countless thousands of hrs of personal experiences, doctorate training, medical journals, and human counseling. You know what? With NPD traits. You might actually think so. OK smart boy, tough guy. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, man. You think your tough enough to fix her? Or something you would have done differently would have been the key to her heart and soul? THAN FIX YOUR G)D DAMN self first!!!!!! JUst like I have too!!!!!!!! Get with the reality of this MAN. You are being so self absorbed you cant see the blessing of all the riches of wisdom that have fallen onto your head. THE GREATNESS of your repaired and INCREDIBILE life starts this instant. You ungrateful moron. Its not YOU its HER. And what wasn't HER....is you! Accept its over without regret from this day forward. I PROMISE, WE are RIGHT. You WILL see it, one day. Expedite the journey and love yourself enough to know you did the best you could. You did not lose her. You did not get rejected. Nothing you could have done WOULD have ever worked. Its not real or meant to be. Hear the voices Henry.

"I can't seem to see past my current feeling and consider how bad things might get if I don't act."

I could have written this myself. Mine threatened so many times that when I would go dark because of some disrespectful thing she said, that she would one day never return to chase me, that she was convinced she didn't love me.Thats sick dude. She was trying to take away the only reprecussion for her bad behavior to totally control me, emasculate me, and secure me for her blood sucking. Whats worse, the more I loved, the more I was respectful of her, flex my boundaries for her, or even convinced her I was right....the more torture I was in for the next time. For the tiniest infraction. You and I both becasme conditioned to think there was just one more enduring step to take before we reached gold. The carrot of ,engagement, commitment, loving words, sex, all just a tiny bit more out of reach. THATS WHY YOU STILL FEEL THAT WAY!!!!!! It was NOTHING about love. It was manipulation that you and I both allowed! Or, couldn't even see. But.....It finally over. And, it over on our terms. We lost all the battles, for her, but we win the war for ourselves. We know we were in fact wonderful, and gold. These girls just didnt see it. They are broken, and all that love you will ever have, and mine too, WILL not fix it. These girls must one day figure it out for themselves. We hope. Yet, thank God we dont have to endure the days till they do.

"I have been in love and had my heart broken before so this is not new to me. The last time, I did everything I could and had no regrets so it was easier to move forward."

Because,....That was probably a hell of a lot more healthy relationship. And for people like us, until we realize, accept and try to repair ourselves, move on from healthy relationships much faster. Why? Because they are not as stimulating as the ELECTRIC shock we were conditioned to feel. All consuming puzzle to solve. Fictitious rewards at the end. We are designed by our nature and upbringing to crave the stimulation of the unachievable. It distracts us from facing ourselves. You know Im right. You know you can see it in yourself too. If you get honest. Dont believe me, again, read the literature and apply it honestly to yourself. Your brokenness is not your fault. Unless you do nothing about it.


"After 3 years, she moved on very quickly, probably with multiple guys, and last I saw, she is more than fine and probably happier without me."

Classic, textbook Cluster B. She is probably wonderful to him too. FOR NOW. Love bombing and behaving and telling herself things are going to be different this time. %99 percent chance, its only a matter of time till she abuses that guy too. He might even endure it with a smile. A balless beta buck, unknowingly dying everyday. My ex showed very little indication of the wrath of confusion and abuse for quite some time. Treats, treats, treats, shock. Thats how it starts. If she hauled off and hit, screamed, cursed, spit, freak out, overcalled,acted jealous, needy, crazy all in the first few weeks, me and you would have moved on without a second thought right away. "That b!tch was crazy.Peace." Anyone would. Thats why they turn up the heat slow, to secure your conditioning and victimization. No male abuser starts roughing up a chick on the first few dates. Nope, he usually waits till he know shes invested. First a verbal belittling, then grabbing and shoving, till later on in the relationship shes got 2 black eyes, a swollen lip and is afraid of him, while she tells her best friends in sobbs how much she knows he loves her, and she just loves him. He swears its the last time. He cant live with out her. These chicks do the same thing to us man, its just that woman are usually not as physically combative because they are typically weaker. Although, not always.

Come on man. Please.....

Yesterday is not your fault. Tomorrow is.

In solidarity and hopefulness,
-Saline

Thanks, Saline. I read what you wrote multiple times.

You're right, I do self blame a lot, but I want to take responsibility for where I went wrong. I don't just want to demonise her and play the victim. I only found out about her activity with other guys post-break up by snooping where I shouldn't (which I have since stopped as it was very unhealthy), so in that respect, I inflicted that pain myself.

She never deprived me of anything, didn't dangle a carrot. There was no honeymoon period so I never found myself wanting to return to how it was in the beginning (with all the lies and moods), but she did become infatuated and 'in love' very quickly. I usually felt like I was in control of the situation, until she sought greener pastures.

During one of the last times we talked, when she could see I was T upset, she said something to me that will forever stay seared into my memory - 'you're not the only option anymore.' Ouch.
Something I found very strange was the more upset I got (as I realised I really had lost her and she was never coming back), the more angry and remorseless she became. For someone I'd loved for 3 years, it was quite traumatising.

Anyway, the story ends here. I know for sure that I will never hear from her again this time. She has dealt with this better than me. But I will make sure I create a good life for myself.

Thanks again.

 

[searching solace]

It's been a long ****ing time now. I've seen a psychologist, I've almost obsessively questioned and analysed my own behaviour and worked on myself, I've seen other girls, I have other options (which I just cannot become interested in), I've stuck to NC, I've focused on my job, I've all but convinced myself she was disordered (nearly convinced myself that I was, too). And although I am slowly making progress, she, and what happened still pretty much consumes me. I still feel some of the trauma that it caused. I'm still effected.

She has very much moved on. From what I hear, she is still seeing the guy that she more or less replaced me with, 5 months later, and it's going well for them. He's certainly not run for the hills. I hear she's happy, as if she made the right choice to cut me out, like I was toxic. I know I'm not but maybe I was to her... It's like she really has changed, like she used those ****ty 3 years with me to become honest and stable and iron out the creases and now some scumbag is reaping the benefits with zero work or repercussions.

The pathetic part is I still feel guilty. I still feel the need to express remorse over some of the mean things I said to her in the end. For some reason, I still want her to know how ****ing difficult this has been for me. It's not fair that she gets to talk away thinking I never cared and never appreciated her, that I never did anything for her. It's probably changed me in ways forever and I feel sorry for my brain and my body. If I loved her so much, why did it take me 3 years and her walking away with someone else for me to figure it out? Was I repressing my feelings because deep down I knew it would never really work and that something was wrong? Or is there some massive flaw in how I give and feel love? I still don't understand that.

I'm really trying and I'm not sure what else I can do. I'm so disappointed in myself that it's made me so weak and taking me so long to move on, whilst it took her a few short weeks perhaps. Why the hell am I not yet convinced that I was lucky to get out and that I'm better off without her?

I suppose that is what causes the most pain from being with these sort of women - they can never truly be alone and will therefore always move on and replace you quickly. That and not following your instincts/being too nice.

I'm sorry to rant again with this but I got nowhere else to go.

 

[BlueAlpha1]

It's been a long ****ing time now. I've seen a psychologist, I've almost obsessively questioned and analysed my own behaviour and worked on myself, I've seen other girls, I have other options (which I just cannot become interested in), I've stuck to NC, I've focused on my job, I've all but convinced myself she was disordered (nearly convinced myself that I was, too). And although I am slowly making progress, she, and what happened still pretty much consumes me. I still feel some of the trauma that it caused. I'm still effected.

She has very much moved on. From what I hear, she is still seeing the guy that she more or less replaced me with, 5 months later, and it's going well for them. He's certainly not run for the hills. I hear she's happy, as if she made the right choice to cut me out, like I was toxic. I know I'm not but maybe I was to her... It's like she really has changed, like she used those ****ty 3 years with me to become honest and stable and iron out the creases and now some scumbag is reaping the benefits with zero work or repercussions.

The pathetic part is I still feel guilty. I still feel the need to express remorse over some of the mean things I said to her in the end. For some reason, I still want her to know how ****ing difficult this has been for me. It's not fair that she gets to talk away thinking I never cared and never appreciated her, that I never did anything for her. It's probably changed me in ways forever and I feel sorry for my brain and my body. If I loved her so much, why did it take me 3 years and her walking away with someone else for me to figure it out? Was I repressing my feelings because deep down I knew it would never really work and that something was wrong? Or is there some massive flaw in how I give and feel love? I still don't understand that.

I'm really trying and I'm not sure what else I can do. I'm so disappointed in myself that it's made me so weak and taking me so long to move on, whilst it took her a few short weeks perhaps. Why the hell am I not yet convinced that I was lucky to get out and that I'm better off without her?

I suppose that is what causes the most pain from being with these sort of women - they can never truly be alone and will therefore always move on and replace you quickly. That and not following your instincts/being too nice.

I'm sorry to rant again with this but I got nowhere else to go.

Am I reading this right? Did this thread actually begin 2.5 years ago, and this was your update yesterday? Unbelievable. You're in the exact same place and you ignored everything people were telling you two years ago. Empathy on this forum dried out for you probably around the one year mark of you doing nothing.

You didn't create this thread for help. You created it with the intention of talking endlessly about her, and you were prepared to sift through hundreds of posts telling you to move on in hopes of finding one that would say "okay, here's how you get her back."

She's mentally ill - you're far worse. You don't want to get over it. So don't. I think about my BPD ex all the time, but I'm not mulling over it and asking for advice for years on end. The pain will always be there. What these girls did to us never goes away. But she's gone and I moved on with my life. You should too. Stop looking for answers. It's over.

 

[searching solace]

Am I reading this right? Did this thread actually begin 2.5 years ago, and this was your update yesterday? Unbelievable. You're in the exact same place and you ignored everything people were telling you two years ago. Empathy on this forum dried out for you probably around the one year mark of you doing nothing.

You didn't create this thread for help. You created it with the intention of talking endlessly about her, and you were prepared to sift through hundreds of posts telling you to move on in hopes of finding one that would say "okay, here's how you get her back."

She's mentally ill - you're far worse. You don't want to get over it. So don't. I think about my BPD ex all the time, but I'm not mulling over it and asking for advice for years on end. The pain will always be there. What these girls did to us never goes away. But she's gone and I moved on with my life. You should too. Stop looking for answers. It's over.

I have listened to every piece of advice I've been given on this forum - I stupidly didn't heed the advice at first and I admit it was a mistake not to - but I have since and I am infinitely grateful to the people on this forum, I really am. It's been extremely helpful for me. I think I just still post here because other people do not understand what it was like.

The relationship only ended 4/5 months ago so it's still pretty fresh. I definitely don't want her back. But I am still dealing with unanswered questions - but you're right, they're not even worth considering anymore. I just hit a slump yesterday. I think I have to realise that it will never fully go away and get on with my life anyway.

Next post I make won't be about this bull****. Thanks!

 

[Speculator E]

SSolace in these 3 years have you even bother to read any books on bod. You seem like a smart guy you figure out she was bpd but a lot of info on the internet on bpd are often shallow or sometime wrong. If you want a relationship with bpd you need to understand bpd. You seem like a decent guy who wants understanding. I dont detect any hurt angry rage in your posts. So that is why I am telling you need to read a book called When Hope Is Not Enough by a guy who had a bpd wife to get a deeper understanding of why your ex does what she did. Then you can decide if you can make it work.

 

[Speculator E]

I read some more post from other members. I want to make sure you got the point when I said a lot of info on the internet is bad it means also this forum. There is a lot of misinformation which is why I told you to read a book.

 

[SuckItUp]

There's no time frame. The key to understanding is self awareness of your issues that allowed you to get into a relationship with a mentally ill woman and better yet why you tolerated that behavior. It has to do with insecurity.

The self reflection is extremely important and I highly recommend getting therapy because you need to protect yourself because you are extremely vulnerable right now and that's when you can find yourself in other one of these relationships.

 

[Polysix]

This is one of best SoSuave threads to help me to get over my bpd-oneitis, so painful I wouldn't wish that on a snake, as many on this board know well what it feels like to go thru hell. Thanks so much to all the contributors an the OP. All the best to you!