Who was your girlfriend AFTER your BPD girlfriend?

[christoff522]

Even a BPD women is not exempt to the laws and rules of attraction. Built in resistance on your part is a desirable trait for any man to have...it means you have the tendency to stand your ground and do what's right for you. Nobody ever respects a pushover.

I suspect that your BPD-ex's relationships probably died when the relationship became "too easy" and the guys became predictable and lacked a backbone whenever her behavior became erratic.

Using this logic, your ex probably values you over all of her previous exes.

This is true, I still occasionally communicate with mine after two years, and I can tell that she wants to keep in communication. But because I don't worship her, and am not all over her, she views it as rejection straight off the bat, so conversation quickly dries up.

I still can't articulate how much the who thing has fvcked me up though, its like PTSD.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I still can't articulate how much the who thing has fvcked me up though, its like PTSD.

PTSD is actually not an uncommon diagnosis of those left in the destructive wake of a true BPD.

True BPD's are destructive beyond words! The mindfvck is astounding to put it mildly. Unless someone has had the unfortunate and traumatizing experience themselves, they will never come close to understanding it.

It's far from the casual and light use of the term often thrown around here, by those who have read some posts and assume a bit of drama equals BPD. That's like comparing getting wet from a drop of water to being dropped in the middle of an ocean to find your way to shore, if you can. No comparison whatsoever.

If you don't understand BPD, be grateful and hope that you never do! Seriously!

 

[christoff522]

PTSD is actually not an uncommon diagnosis of those left in the destructive wake of a true BPD.

True BPD's are destructive beyond words! The mindfvck is astounding to put it mildly. Unless someone has had the unfortunate and traumatizing experience themselves, they will never come close to understanding it.

It's far from the casual and light use of the term often thrown around here, by those who have read some posts and assume a bit of drama equals BPD. That's like comparing getting wet from a drop of water to being dropped in the middle of an ocean to find your way to shore, if you can. No comparison whatsoever.

If you don't understand BPD, be grateful and hope that you never do! Seriously!

Yeah its like they spend all their time working towards destroying your sense of self. They weaken you until you are depressed, traumatised and feel completely alone, then, they leave - or kill you.

If you do survive what you are left as is a husk. You have to rediscover who you are. But you will never ever be the same again.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Yeah its like they spend all their time working towards destroying your sense of self. They weaken you until you are depressed, traumatised and feel completely alone, then, they leave - or kill you.

If you do survive what you are left as is a husk. You have to rediscover who you are. But you will never ever be the same again.

As I was just waking up to and getting free from all that had unfolded in my BPD experience, I was in unbelievable shock and disorientation. I tried to put words on it and explain what I was feeling to someone else. The best (but still not even close) description I could come up with was:

I felt like someone had reached into who I had known myself to be and what I thought reality was AND turned it all completely inside out. (If that was not disorienting enough) Then they put it all in a blender and liquified it completely. I and my life is what had been liquified.

Looking at trying to regain my sense of myself and my life, felt like asking someone to watch you put something solid in a blender until it is completely liquified, then pour it in a glass and hand it back to you. Then they sit back and laugh, while watching you contemplate how, and then attempt to make it into something solid again.

 

[Serenity]

Never had a BPD girlfriend, but my mother is a BPD. That's actually worse than having a BPD girlfriend, mothers aren't as easy to shut out and detach from. I was under constant fear and stress around her, she treated me like a doormat. At some point I told her to fvck off, that was a year ago and I haven't seen her since and blocked all contact.

I found a good way to use my experience with her, she's an example of what not to do and how not to be. I analyzed her behavior and remember it, she's all the red flags in a single person. This helped out greatly when I met another BPD from OLD, I quickly and effectively recognized the early warning signs. The entire interaction with her lasted 2 weeks, because if the trauma I didn't have a shred of desperation left as I knew the stakes. I shut her out without feeling the slightest regret, I rather felt like I dodged a bullet.

I put a lot of effort into learning how to read liars, BPD's, psychos and their deceptive games. I can't avoid if I don't know what to avoid, I learned to screen not only women but people very effectively.

My current girlfriend is very different from my mother. She pays attention to what I'm saying, never guilt trips me, doesn't become agitated starting arguments, is positive to try new things, follows my lead even though I offer her to choose and she helps out with stuff on her own motivation. No instability, no violent mood swings, she doesn't even change when she's around her period and she very rarely makes excuses and when she does they're legit. She loves me and her actions go far in showing it, she deserves my love. Ungrateful, complaining, manipulating and generally unkind women doesn't deserve sh!t, regardless of their excuse for their behavior.

So how is the girlfriend after being subjected to a BPD woman? Like the contrast between night and day, I regained faith in the existence of good women.

 

[LiveYourDream]

Never had a BPD girlfriend, but my mother is a BPD. That's actually worse than having a BPD girlfriend, mothers aren't as easy to shut out and detach from. I was under constant fear and stress around her, she treated me like a doormat. At some point I told her to fvck off, that was a year ago and I haven't seen her since and blocked all contact.

I found a good way to use my experience with her, she's an example of what not to do and how not to be. I analyzed her behavior and remember it, she's all the red flags in a single person. This helped out greatly when I met another BPD from OLD, I quickly and effectively recognized the early warning signs. The entire interaction with her lasted 2 weeks, because if the trauma I didn't have a shred of desperation left as I knew the stakes. I shut her out without feeling the slightest regret, I rather felt like I dodged a bullet.

I put a lot of effort into learning how to read liars, BPD's, psychos and their deceptive games. I can't avoid if I don't know what to avoid, I learned to screen not only women but people very effectively.

My current girlfriend is very different from my mother. She pays attention to what I'm saying, never guilt trips me, doesn't become agitated starting arguments, is positive to try new things, follows my lead even though I offer her to choose and she helps out with stuff on her own motivation. No instability, no violent mood swings, she doesn't even change when she's around her period and she very rarely makes excuses and when she does they're legit. She loves me and her actions go far in showing it, she deserves my love. Ungrateful, complaining, manipulating and generally unkind women doesn't deserve sh!t, regardless of their excuse for their behavior.

So how is the girlfriend after being subjected to a BPD woman? Like the contrast between night and day, I regained faith in the existence of good women.

I can't even fathom the trauma from a BPD parent. Wow!!!!!!

It's great to hear how you moved forward and used it as a reference of what you do not want in your life. It's fantastic to hear a success story that you did so well and are enjoying the benefits of a healthy relationship now. I am still figuring out how to navigate trust moving forward. I know I'll figure it out somehow. Any suggestions? Once through that, I am excited for a healthy partnership too! Congratulations on all you have come through and living your reward!

 

[Serenity]

I can't even fathom the trauma from a BPD parent. Wow!!!!!!

It's great to hear how you moved forward and used it as a reference of what you do not want in your life. It's fantastic to hear a success story that you did so well and are enjoying the benefits of a healthy relationship now. I am still figuring out how to navigate trust moving forward. I know I'll figure it out somehow. Any suggestions? Once through that, I am excited for a healthy partnership too! Congratulations on all you have come through and living your reward!

If this is about trust I might help, I've done a huge amount of work on myself to regain and gain others trust. That's what BPD's attack and abuse, people's trust.

I base myself around the principle that anyone can be trusted until proven otherwise, I must have the balls to risk losses to have a chance at gaining. The rest is just about being present, observant and aware of as many things you can keep yourself aware of. Confidence aka. trusting yourself is absolute key to defeat the illusions. With your own observations know what happened and what is real, to a scientific level if you can. If you can know with a very high degree of certainty what you observed there's no way you'll easily fall for deception, your senses don't lie but your mind might if influenced by what others want you to see.

The main enemy of a deceptive b!tch is a man who pays attention and knows his sh!t. Armed with this, finding trustworthy people is just a matter of sorting out people. People who like you, respect you and value you won't lie to you. The one's who do lie you can just shut down whatever way is effective to discourage them from bothering you.

It was a long road to recover from my mother, it was an ingrained part of how I was raised. I've gone through some unimaginably deep pain and I suffered for years as I slowly unraveled it all. My own mother doing that to me, I had been lied to my entire life. I did grow a whole fvckload off of it though, so I'm not really bitter about it.

 

[LiveYourDream]

If this is about trust I might help, I've done a huge amount of work on myself to regain and gain others trust. That's what BPD's attack and abuse, people's trust.

I base myself around the principle that anyone can be trusted until proven otherwise, I must have the balls to risk losses to have a chance at gaining. The rest is just about being present, observant and aware of as many things you can keep yourself aware of. Confidence aka. trusting yourself is absolute key to defeat the illusions. With your own observations know what happened and what is real, to a scientific level if you can. If you can know with a very high degree of certainty what you observed there's no way you'll easily fall for deception, your senses don't lie but your mind might if influenced by what others want you to see.

The main enemy of a deceptive b!tch is a man who pays attention and knows his sh!t. Armed with this, finding trustworthy people is just a matter of sorting out people. People who like you, respect you and value you won't lie to you. The one's who do lie you can just shut down whatever way is effective to discourage them from bothering you.

It was a long road to recover from my mother, it was an ingrained part of how I was raised. I've gone through some unimaginably deep pain and I suffered for years as I slowly unraveled it all. My own mother doing that to me, I had been lied to my entire life. I did grow a whole fvckload off of it though, so I'm not really bitter about it.

Thank you! This matches my experience as well. I am still raw and finding my way. This helps me know my compass is well aligned. Still feel nervous. Little by little.
Good for you moving beyond bitterness and finding the wisdom. In the end I am grateful as the wisdom gained will forever change how I experience love. Inside-out vs outside-in. Full cup vs Empty cup seeking. Price paid was unbelievable. Wisdom gained is priceless.

 

[BeExcellent]

Never had a BPD girlfriend, but my mother is a BPD. That's actually worse than having a BPD girlfriend, mothers aren't as easy to shut out and detach from. I was under constant fear and stress around her, she treated me like a doormat. At some point I told her to fvck off, that was a year ago and I haven't seen her since and blocked all contact.

I found a good way to use my experience with her, she's an example of what not to do and how not to be. I analyzed her behavior and remember it, she's all the red flags in a single person. This helped out greatly when I met another BPD from OLD, I quickly and effectively recognized the early warning signs. The entire interaction with her lasted 2 weeks, because if the trauma I didn't have a shred of desperation left as I knew the stakes. I shut her out without feeling the slightest regret, I rather felt like I dodged a bullet.

I put a lot of effort into learning how to read liars, BPD's, psychos and their deceptive games. I can't avoid if I don't know what to avoid, I learned to screen not only women but people very effectively.

My current girlfriend is very different from my mother. She pays attention to what I'm saying, never guilt trips me, doesn't become agitated starting arguments, is positive to try new things, follows my lead even though I offer her to choose and she helps out with stuff on her own motivation. No instability, no violent mood swings, she doesn't even change when she's around her period and she very rarely makes excuses and when she does they're legit. She loves me and her actions go far in showing it, she deserves my love. Ungrateful, complaining, manipulating and generally unkind women doesn't deserve sh!t, regardless of their excuse for their behavior.

So how is the girlfriend after being subjected to a BPD woman? Like the contrast between night and day, I regained faith in the existence of good women.

My mother is BPD/NPD and somewhere on the schizoaffective spectrum...not that she will every acknowledge her crazy. I work in psych at times and when I first began looking over the assessment scales for Cluster B, I was like, OMG. This is my mom. That's how I found this site. I see a man who was 20 years married to a BPD nut case very like my mom. He has a teenage daughter and he picks my brain on how best to interact in a positive way with his daughter since the daughter now gets the full on brunt of the crazy from his ex-wife. So doing some research found some threads on SS and here I am.

A parent with BPD is a rather special variety of hell. You can't escape it is as a young person and nobody believes what you say because the parent's lies are SO smooth that everyone thinks YOU are the crazy one when you point something out. Masterful manipulator...and trained as a lawyer to boot! My mom actually enjoys (as in takes pleasure - giggles even) from causing discord and rifts within the family. I went no contact with my mom about 6 years ago. She went off one morning on my then husband over something idiotic and that was it. I was done. I monitor my behavior constantly and strive to be a patient, kind and empathetic person (which I am) and to be gracious to others. My mom is still a nut job. Her latest thing is sending letters to my children at school in an attempt to reach them & influence them, and trying to manipulate my kids at any given opportunity.

The strangest thing she did was drive 1000 miles a few years ago to show up in church unannounced on Father's Day. This was a couple years after I went no contact. She sat in the back on the opposite side of the church (we go to a very small church when we go so the pastor saw her come in and thought it odd...) and then expected me to drop my plans with my husband and family to suddenly spend time with her on Father's Day...crazy!! The answer was no of course. She another time drove up and got my kids to let her in my home (where she had never been) very early one Saturday morning. I had to threaten to call the cops to get her to leave. Then I had to sit my kids down and explain why they must never go along with what she wants them to do. She thought I was "difficult" as a teen and she relishes the idea of getting me back by somehow turning my children against me.

My kids are adolescents and teens now and they understand that "Crazy Granny" as they call her is not to be trusted no matter how sugary sweet she is. She is mad that I chose not to engage the crazy any more and still tries to draw me in. Because I won't engage she works constantly on my sisters to influence them about me in a negative way. Its ridiculous. The man I am seeing now is still relatively newly divorced and is a great guy, but his ex still does the whole push-pull thing and creates drama for him and his kids wherever she can. To be honest I am stunned that there is so much of this out there.

The man I see is a really good guy in every way, an amazing person. But he is shell shocked, and still processing the enormity of what he's been through. Not surprisingly he is not ready for any sort of defined relationship. Who can blame him? I think he does miss at times the crazy wild side of his ex, the "high," the sexual intensity...and its a readjustment for him. That and he has to stay laser focused on keeping his children balanced, especially his daughter as she now gets the full rages and instability from his ex.

You can't engage the crazy. Life is too short.

So I feel ya over here Grewd. You are making a choice for your sanity and for your emotional health now and in the future. It is the absolute right choice! Cheers!

 

[Serenity]

My mother is BPD/NPD and somewhere on the schizoaffective spectrum...not that she will every acknowledge her crazy. I work in psych at times and when I first began looking over the assessment scales for Cluster B, I was like, OMG. This is my mom. That's how I found this site. I see a man who was 20 years married to a BPD nut case very like my mom. He has a teenage daughter and he picks my brain on how best to interact in a positive way with his daughter since the daughter now gets the full on brunt of the crazy from his ex-wife. So doing some research found some threads on SS and here I am.

A parent with BPD is a rather special variety of hell. You can't escape it is as a young person and nobody believes what you say because the parent's lies are SO smooth that everyone thinks YOU are the crazy one when you point something out. Masterful manipulator...and trained as a lawyer to boot! My mom actually enjoys (as in takes pleasure - giggles even) from causing discord and rifts within the family. I went no contact with my mom about 6 years ago. She went off one morning on my then husband over something idiotic and that was it. I was done. I monitor my behavior constantly and strive to be a patient, kind and empathetic person (which I am) and to be gracious to others. My mom is still a nut job. Her latest thing is sending letters to my children at school in an attempt to reach them & influence them, and trying to manipulate my kids at any given opportunity.

The strangest thing she did was drive 1000 miles a few years ago to show up in church unannounced on Father's Day. This was a couple years after I went no contact. She sat in the back on the opposite side of the church (we go to a very small church when we go so the pastor saw her come in and thought it odd...) and then expected me to drop my plans with my husband and family to suddenly spend time with her on Father's Day...crazy!! The answer was no of course. She another time drove up and got my kids to let her in my home (where she had never been) very early one Saturday morning. I had to threaten to call the cops to get her to leave. Then I had to sit my kids down and explain why they must never go along with what she wants them to do. She thought I was "difficult" as a teen and she relishes the idea of getting me back by somehow turning my children against me.

My kids are adolescents and teens now and they understand that "Crazy Granny" as they call her is not to be trusted no matter how sugary sweet she is. She is mad that I chose not to engage the crazy any more and still tries to draw me in. Because I won't engage she works constantly on my sisters to influence them about me in a negative way. Its ridiculous. The man I am seeing now is still relatively newly divorced and is a great guy, but his ex still does the whole push-pull thing and creates drama for him and his kids wherever she can. To be honest I am stunned that there is so much of this out there.

The man I see is a really good guy in every way, an amazing person. But he is shell shocked, and still processing the enormity of what he's been through. Not surprisingly he is not ready for any sort of defined relationship. Who can blame him? I think he does miss at times the crazy wild side of his ex, the "high," the sexual intensity...and its a readjustment for him. That and he has to stay laser focused on keeping his children balanced, especially his daughter as she now gets the full rages and instability from his ex.

You can't engage the crazy. Life is too short.

So I feel ya over here Grewd. You are making a choice for your sanity and for your emotional health now and in the future. It is the absolute right choice! Cheers!

Daaaamn, they're the same. I didn't just break it off with my mother out of the blue though, I did a solid piece of work on her before I had enough. In the end I had zero respect for her, when she demanded it I said she gets what she gives. I told her what to do and demanded she do it, when she refused I told her neither do I when she demand sh!t. She threatened suicide, I told her she bears the full responsibility for it, I cannot be blamed for her choices. She threatened to call my boss and ruin my workplace, I told her to go ahead, she never dared.

My entire family has long since abandoned her and blocked her all over the place, they don't have the courage nor the strength to fight her. I do and I refuse to accept her attacking them when they did nothing to provoke it. She lashed out probably 3-4 times after I cut contact, against me and weaker family members. Coming with serious and false accusations, writing a lot of toxic sh!t. When she did I called her up, told her to lay the fvck off the people I love, didn't let her speak her excuses and verbally abused her until she was disillusioned and hung up. She only did that 3 times, she's learned not to fvck with me or people I care about. She knows I will blow up in epic proportions if she tries anything and she knows I'm very well justified in doing so, so her shaming doesn't work.

It's been silent for a long long time now, I think she's starting to get the point because I hammered it into her skull before telling her to fvck off.