Looking for advice

[Stagger Lee]

Well he should've walked away before this perhaps. But I still stand by that I wouldn't have said 'have fun'. I would've objected, the beans likely would've got spilled, and still could walk away. She very easily could've took the 'have fun' but never told him what she was really doing.

 

[Stagger Lee]

Well he should've walked away before this perhaps. But I still stand by that I wouldn't have said 'have fun'. I would've objected, the beans likely would've got spilled, and still could walk away. She very easily could've took the 'have fun' as she did but never told him what she was really doing. He'd still be wondering and maybe believing she had just got him some nice presents. You have to lead and set boundaries and not let a woman rationalize you're a gullible fool or have no backbone. You can't count on acting non-jealous is going to make her feel guilty and more attracted so she changes her plans. Just tell the b!tch no and if in response she doesn't respect and submit to that, then walk away. That's worked for me.

 

[grayclif]

That's kind of my point, I'd only tell a girl in a relationship "have fun" if I was planning on walking away. But if I was planning on walking away then why not call it out and tell it like I see it? If you plan on walking away every time a GF test you or suggest something suspect or you don't like, you're going to be walking away a lot. One doesn't have to fly off the handle and appear jealous or accusatory, but I think cooly and calmly setting boundaries is good. It worked for me.

So what do you do... present her with an ultimatum? The next thing you know you're considered a control freak.

 

[Stagger Lee]

So what do you do... present her with an ultimatum? The next thing you know your considered a control freak.

You're just being argumentative. Like I said, if a woman I'm dating runs something by me I don't like or suspect, I tell her I'm not cool with it. If she doesn't respect that and submit, then I know it's time to walk away. Pretty simple and it's nipped in the bud.

 

[grayclif]

You're just being argumentative. Like I said, if a woman I'm dating runs something by me I don't like or suspect, I tell her I'm not cool with it. If she doesn't respect that and submit, then I know it's time to walk away. Pretty simple and it's nipped in the bud.

Stagger Lee it is not my intention to argue. But In the end you still must be prepared to walk.

 

[Stagger Lee]

Stagger Lee it is not my intention to argue. But In the end you still must be prepared to walk.

True, I agree. If I cooly, calmly call something out I don't like, I've called her hand and if I don't get a positive response and if it doesn't rarely or never happen again, it's time to walk.

The OP was in a no win situation really, and perhaps he should've walked previously.

 

[hithard]

Well he should've walked away before this perhaps. But I still stand by that I wouldn't have said 'have fun'. I would've objected, the beans likely would've got spilled, and still could walk away. She very easily could've took the 'have fun' but never told him what she was really doing.

The problem is that you are masking over the girls true nature and major character flaw. Yes, women can be changed in my opinion. But there are certain things that are just hidden from you. Situations like this expose sooner rather than later what they are really like. A lot of planning and deception went into this on her part.
Yes you can dominate her, but sooner or later she will do you in.

 

[Stagger Lee]

The problem is that you are masking over the girls true nature and major character flaw. Yes, women can be changed in my opinion. But there are certain things that are just hidden from you. Situations like this expose sooner rather than later what they are really like. A lot of planning and deception went into this on her part.
Yes you can dominate her, but sooner or later she will do you in.

I think this situation was unusual that she made up a lie about what she was doing. Often the girl will tell you at least part of the truth, such as, she's going to see a 'friend' and not attempt to totally deceive you. So I can see the argument for playing along with her lie with telling her to 'have fun'. But the OP was suspicious and I would've probed the matter and wouldn't have hid my suspicions completely by telling her to have fun. If she didn't cancel her plans or at respond in a satisfactory way, then walk away.

 

[G_Govan]

That's kind of my point, I'd only tell a girl in a relationship "have fun" if I was planning on walking away. But if I was planning on walking away then why not call it out and tell it like I see it? If you plan on walking away every time a GF test you or suggest something suspect or you don't like, you're going to be walking away a lot. One doesn't have to fly off the handle and appear jealous or accusatory, but I think cooly and calmly setting boundaries is good. It worked for me.

If you plan on walking away it doesn't matter what you say, which defeats the whole purpose. Women "expect" you to have a problem and act in a jealous manner. Falling in line and behaving like most men doesn't make much sense. Giving ultimatums in matters like this, even in a "cooly and calm" fashion, doesn't change the fact that you're attempting to negotiate desire. You may "believe" it worked in the short term but you've done nothing but drive the behavior you detest underground.

If a woman wants to cheat, she's going to cheat regardless of any verbal boundaries. You aren't actually in control of any of this. Women make jealousy plays to gauge your interest level and where they stand. They're better at this than we are by default.

 

[Stagger Lee]

If you plan on walking away it doesn't matter what you say, which defeats the whole purpose. Women "expect" you to have a problem and act in a jealous manner. Falling in line and behaving like most men doesn't make much sense. Giving ultimatums in matters like this, even in a "cooly and calm" fashion, doesn't change the fact that you're attempting to negotiate desire. You may "believe" it worked in the short term but you've done nothing but drive the behavior you detest underground.

If a woman wants to cheat, she's going to cheat regardless of any verbal boundaries. You aren't actually in control of any of this. Women make jealousy plays to gauge your interest level and where they stand. They're better at this than we are by default.

You are repeating the theory, but if you're just going to tell your GF to 'have fun' whenever she proposes doing something you don't want her to or worse seems suspect then what you have is a fvck buddy relationship. There's times when you have to set boundaries and expectations. You're trying to negotiate desire too by showing you don't care what she does. Don't assume it will increase desire, prevent her from doing what she wants to do, or that is always the 'right' answer and will put an end to her testing. I'll do what satisfies me and I've seen work and work for others in a relationship.

 

[channingtatum]

@OP - What did you end up doing?

 

[dustmuffin]

@OP - What did you end up doing?

That's what I want to know. All the details and how the b itch tried to weasel out of it.

 

[zekko]

If I had a problem with what she was doing, I would say so. Unless I was just giving her enough rope to hang herself with.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Be smart and use this to your advantage.

This is your wildcard to use whenever you want to go out with your friends or go hunting for another prey.

One must possess the ability to see the underlying value of things.

He's not going out "hunting for another pray." He's whipped (sorry OP), and needs only to get rid of the horrid oneitis that has infected his brain.

 

[Ronaldo7]

He's not going out "hunting for another pray." He's whipped (sorry OP), and needs only to get rid of the horrid oneitis that has infected his brain.

Meeting another woman will eliminate his need to be dominated by the other woman.

It is the best medicine to get rid of her.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

Meeting another woman will eliminate his need to be dominated by the other woman.

It is the best medicine to get rid of her.

I agree 100%. But he cant get out to meet other women because his oneitis is so full on. Its a never ending circle of dispair. It takes monumental guts to ditch the witch and reach the beach...

 

[Pandora]

There's a bigger point here:

Don't even try to figure out or even wonder what she's doing.

In my opinion the manifestation of jealousy and insecurity are almost always attraction-killers--especially in the early phase of courtship. They are like red-flag indicators in the minds of many women.

Even if I were in an exclusive relationship I would be diligent about not expressing such concerns.

This is confusing becuz i have also had many girls tell me that they wanted their boyfriend to control them more. They say that they cheated because their boyfriend was not controlling enough. That he didnt care and should have stopped them from going out clubbing etc. These girls were usually pretty damaged anyway so this might be a factor.

 

[Pandora]

Normally in these situations, I tell the guy he is worried about nothing. But fighters have good instincts. And those instincts have told you that she is up to something. Women don't do anything by themselves; they certainly don't take trips alone, to do stuff alone, especially shop. Your girl doesn't lie to you very often. That's why she's not very good at it. And that's why you can tell when she is.

I'm thinking that someone is in town she wants to meet that she doesn't want to tell you about. That is *not* the same thing as planning to cheat on you, at least sexually. Is there an old flame that she still likes as a person? I'm thinking her desire for that person would be everything but sexual. And she's not telling you that because you're big scary fighter guy who would never understand and would want to beat up the wimpy ex-boyfriend.

She's lying because she thinks you're going to flip out about something that is probably going to end up being completely innocent. If it were me, I would just casually and calmly mention that if her long-lost ex-love happened to be in town while she was shopping, and she wanted to have a drink with him to catch up, then that would be ok with me. Go, have fun, enjoy yourself. Women have this instinct built into them to return like boomerangs to men who treat them that way. If you're angry about her interest in another guy, it re-enforces that decision; it validates it. But if you laugh it off, it makes them stop and reconsider.

I hope this helps, my friend. Good luck.

So you dont think being controlling of your girlfriend is effective in stopping cheating? I split on this. I have seen instances when the girl cheated and then justified it by saying that is was the guys fault for not being controlling enough hahaha wtf

 

[Stagger Lee]

So you dont think being controlling of your girlfriend is effective in stopping cheating? I split on this. I have seen instances when the girl cheated and then justified it by saying that is was the guys fault for not being controlling enough hahaha wtf

That's a good reason why I say telling your GF to 'have fun' when she tells you she's going to do something you don't want her to or is suspect isn't going to benefit you. If you tell her you are not okay with it, and she doesn't respond positively and submit then you know she's a lost cause and is going to cheat no matter what you say or don't say.

Also my experience in relationships showed me that being 'controlling' worked and my observation of other guys who have been in a relationship for a long time with the same girl the guys are controlling.

Bottomline like zekko said if I don't like something I'm going to tell her unless I'm wanting to give her enough rope.

 

[Ronaldo7]

I agree 100%. But he cant get out to meet other women because his oneitis is so full on. Its a never ending circle of dispair. It takes monumental guts to ditch the witch and reach the beach...

There is nothing he can do then. He won't be able to get rid of her through his endless dwelling.

It is slowly sapping away his sanity and affecting vision to be able to pull through.