Looking for advice

[Bible_Belt]

So you dont think being controlling of your girlfriend is effective in stopping cheating? I split on this. I have seen instances when the girl cheated and then justified it by saying that is was the guys fault for not being controlling enough hahaha wtf

That reminds me of a friend of mine who went to Costa Rica and came back with a beautiful wife. She had a hot body, but after they had a child, she couldn't lose the last 10-15 pounds of belly fat. It drove my friend nuts. He banned all junk food from the house, and bought her a gym membership and made her go. But the weight didn't come off. One day my wife of the time visited his wife at her work. At one point she looked around to make sure no one was watching, and then opened the bottom drawer of her desk to show my wife. It looked like she had cleaned out a gas station's candy rack. She had a doomsday stash of chocolate and sugar in her desk. She said, "my husband doesn't let me eat candy at home, so I just do it at work instead."

And now they are divorced LOL. But I think that's a good example of what can happen when the man tries to "lay down the law" with the woman. She'll let you think you're in charge, and then she'll just do whatever she was going to do anyway when you're not around.

 

[G_Govan]

You are repeating the theory, but if you're just going to tell your GF to 'have fun' whenever she proposes doing something you don't want her to or worse seems suspect then what you have is a fvck buddy relationship. There's times when you have to set boundaries and expectations. You're trying to negotiate desire too by showing you don't care what she does. Don't assume it will increase desire, prevent her from doing what she wants to do, or that is always the 'right' answer and will put an end to her testing. I'll do what satisfies me and I've seen work and work for others in a relationship.

You don't seem to understand what negotiating desire means.
I do have boundaries and expectations that I will make verbally clear, such as no smoking in my house/car, clean up after yourself, speak to me in a respectful manner etc. These are things I will make ultimatums for, however, none of them have anything to do with sex/intimacy.

Attempting to control or shame someone into being with you never has the intended effect. They have to feel it in themselves. They have to believe they'll lose something valuable, that's where "authentic" feelings come from.
Overtly telling a woman how she should treat you in matters such as these is equivalent to a bully of a kid ordering other kids to play with him. Sure, it may work in the short term but eventually these kids are going to find ways to disappear.

Women are the consummate players. They will push boundaries to see how far they can go and you responding with jealousy is a predictable behavior which let's them know how much power they have in the relationship.

 

[Die Hard]

You don't seem to understand what negotiating desire means.
I do have boundaries and expectations that I will make verbally clear, such as no smoking in my house/car, clean up after yourself, speak to me in a respectful manner etc. These are things I will make ultimatums for, however, none of them have anything to do with sex/intimacy.

Attempting to control or shame someone into being with you never has the intended effect. They have to feel it in themselves. They have to believe they'll lose something valuable, that's where "authentic" feelings come from.
Overtly telling a woman how she should treat you in matters such as these is equivalent to a bully of a kid ordering other kids to play with him. Sure, it may work in the short term but eventually these kids are going to find ways to disappear.

Women are the consummate players. They will push boundaries to see how far they can go and you responding with jealousy is a predictable behavior which let's them know how much power they have in the relationship.

Okay, just to be clear on your views...

If your woman tells you she's going to the club (you know, where people drink alcohol, girls grind on guys' c0cks on the dancefloor etc.) with her male colleague, you're just gonna tell her "have fun!" ???

After all, if you would tell her you won't accept her going, you would be putting a boundary/ultimatum on her which has to do with sex/intimacy. And you just told us you won't put that kind of boundary/ultimatum on her, right?

 

[Stagger Lee]

Okay, just to be clear on your views...

If your woman tells you she's going to the club (you know, where people drink alcohol, girls grind on guys' c0cks on the dancefloor etc.) with her male colleague, you're just gonna tell her "have fun!" ???

After all, if you would tell her you won't accept her going, you would be putting a boundary/ultimatum on her which has to do with sex/intimacy. And you just told us you won't put that kind of boundary/ultimatum on her, right?

That's what it looks like to me. The woman could easily see the guy as being passive and a pushover. Where does that end? And he never considered that maybe the woman wants her man to tell her no and maybe would rather not do what she is proposing and wants her man to be a little controlling, protective or 'jealous'. She might just call your 'have fun' bluff and she ends up getting carried away and really having fun whether that was originally her intention.

To some extent, women are like children and need male guidance and people are only as honest as they are forced to be. He argues that a man getting jealous or suspicious is a common thing, as if everything instinctual can't be right or there for a reason. That seems questionable.

 

[Stagger Lee]

And now they are divorced LOL. But I think that's a good example of what can happen when the man tries to "lay down the law" with the woman. She'll let you think you're in charge, and then she'll just do whatever she was going to do anyway when you're not around.

You bring up a good point that hounding a woman over something she clearly isn't willing to do is counter productive.There is a middle ground between telling a woman to have fun "eat all the candy you want" and "lay down the law" though. I think it is most effective to tell a woman once. Ultimately a woman is going to do what she wants. If she doesn't demonstrate she wants to do what I want her to, I can leave. But there won't be an excuse she didn't know what I want. If a woman chooses to be deceptive, it doesn't matter what you say. But I'm not going to pretend like I don't know or suspect or care she's being deceptive.

 

[hithard]

Okay, just to be clear on your views...

If your woman tells you she's going to the club (you know, where people drink alcohol, girls grind on guys' c0cks on the dancefloor etc.) with her male colleague, you're just gonna tell her "have fun!" ???

After all, if you would tell her you won't accept her going, you would be putting a boundary/ultimatum on her which has to do with sex/intimacy. And you just told us you won't put that kind of boundary/ultimatum on her, right?

Depends on the context. You left it wide open.
But probably yes in both cases. Either I trust my gf enough or I don't think she can pass the test and look for an out. No matter how much groundwork you do, some girls just cheat regardless. I'll be stuffed if I can be bothered constantly being her babysitter. Telling her no. She's a grown ass woman for fu.cks sake.
Ultimatums rarely work in the long run. Like I said you are just masking over someone's true character. All the girl will do is take it behind your back. Time is your most precious commodity. Not some biatch with redflags.

Realistically if the above scenario happened you more than likely failed somewhere or chose badly. You lay down the law at the start. You give them merit when they display the correct behavior and solidify what you want in terms of attributes. They need to be anchored to you emotionally.

Just a note: If you are going out with strippers, prostitutes, or damaged goods- then yes you would lay down the lay constantly. But that's the tactic you use. It shouldn't be an emotional response.
But if you are dropping ultimatums in normal relationships:
You are the one that's too invested.
You are doing something wrong with your game.

It's a relationship not a babysitting service.
This isn't theory.