Work Related--finding the strength to forgive and move on

[reset]

This isn't really about women, but this is a big part of my life. Coming to terms with this stuff is what being a Mature Man means to me, which is why it's not in Anything Else. I'm posting it to get it off my chest so I can move on, any comments are appreciated. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been in this situation.

I've been at my job for almost six years. A few months after I was hired, my manager who hired me quit because he the owner is a huge jerk. So, the owner brought in someone who he was friends with. I was only about 25 at the time so I guess I didn't EXPECT to become the new manager of my department (a department of two people, basically my position and the supervisor). But the new guy who became my "boss" was completely inept, had about three percent of the skill and ability I had. I actually had to train my own manager. And for a few years (yeah, I put up with this for a long time) it was just a constant nightmare of me covering up his mistakes, having to do his work over for him... I basically took on the role of supervisor of my department and everyone came to me and of course this guy started resenting me because he realized he had no chance of finding a job anywhere else and I was a huge threat to him.

So as our department grew, we added new employees. Each time a new person was brought on, my "boss" would go on vacation for two weeks, FORCING me to train these new people (his job). We all became close. Everyone thought it was just a matter of time before I became manager. Anyway, one of these people is a chick, and we've worked together for a few years but my "boss" has decided that she's less of a threat than me, so he's decided to give her all the good assignments, and when she was loyal to me now she's loyal to him, and it hurts a little because no one in this department would even have a job if I hadn't trained them and saved their butts time and time again. So it hurts, I feel like I've been ostracized from the little group I built up here.

I have learned to be very assertive here. I have brought up these concerns to the owner of the company and he's scared to death I'm going to leave now, and has told me he MAY make me the manager of my department. But it's just a bunch of people who are afraid to lose what they have. I've outgrown it. I have to move on and find a better environment. I wonder if men just keep fighting and fighting and fighting... I don't want to "give up" like I "failed" to get my goal of becoming manager, but I've outgrown this job, even this situation.

I'm just upset with how you can't really trust people or count on them. I want to stay positive and upbeat in life, and be a man. I've done all the political moves and speaking up I can. Nothing changes. Part of me wants to tell everyone to go to hell, but I know the best thing is to just move on with my life. But it's hard to move on when you feel victimized, it's like you get caught up in the drama... same thing with chicks. The drama just perpetuates itself and you become addicted to the problem. I deserve much better.

 

[joekerr31]

I'm just upset with how you can't really trust people or count on them. I want to stay positive and upbeat in life, and be a man. I've done all the political moves and speaking up I can. Nothing changes. Part of me wants to tell everyone to go to hell, but I know the best thing is to just move on with my life. But it's hard to move on when you feel victimized, it's like you get caught up in the drama... same thing with chicks. The drama just perpetuates itself and you become addicted to the problem. I deserve much better.

first you have to understand that what you are going through isn't 'unfair'. in the idealistic sense of the word it is. but in reality, this happens to millions of people. so its not unfair in the sense that most peopel don't have to go through this - most do.

you need to change your perspective on the situation. you've been there six years. that's six years of experience that will get you to the next job. and while you may 'think' its unfair that you have to move on because of office politics, you may find that the next job is your dream job. that in your next job you have colleagues that you like way more than the colleagues you presently have.

i've found, and its been a tough lesson to learn, that when life is sabotaging me on one front, often its really just life's way of pushing me in a different direction. and when i embrace that and go with the flow, things work out for the better (sometimes it takes a little time though, hence why patience is a virtue).

and the same thing applies with women. why waste years of your life with a woman that doesn't cut it? because when you are with her, you are subconsciously limiting your options. best to just cut loose and start dating new chics.

now since you have to pay your bills, with a job you should have a different strategy. get your resume in order and start applying for new jobs. stop investing yourself in your current job - do just enough so that you don't get fired or have people getting upset with you, but only give what you have to. spend your energy on finding a new path to head down.

i really don't see your current situation as being a negative - its just life pushing you in a new direction.

and as for the owner not wanting you to leave. well, its great that he 'says' that, but talk is cheap. he continues to employ a 'boss' who plays favourites and makes her decisions based on politics, and as such he will suffer the consequences of that (ie. you leaving).

most people are scared to death of change. but i've found the whole point of life is change. if you can learn to get excited about the unknown life becomes a completely different experience. most peopel are scared to death about what lies around the corner and would rather never turn the corner. whereas i believe the most interesting element to life is not knowing whats around the corner and then going and checking it out - life becomes one big adventure then.

 

[reset]

Thanks joekerr. I'll keep refering to your post when my mind gets cloudy.

i really don't see your current situation as being a negative - its just life pushing you in a new direction.

Yeah, it is. For a long time I've felt like a kid in school being held back a grade. I've put almost too much of myself in this job, but I have to learn to walk away. When I started here I was shy and reserved, having been through all this stuff has made me much more assertive, wise, shrewd... and it looks like the end result is that I've "moved up a level" and all this crap is saying "dude--next level. Next level." I could fight to "take what's mine" but would end up getting something not so great.

most people are scared to death of change. but i've found the whole point of life is change.

Exactly why I've been here for so long. Fear. I have everyone in my life telling me how good I am at the job, how I should be in a better position where I can move forward, but maybe I didn't believe them. But if I don't change and face some fear then I will just stagnate.

People do say a lot of things and it's not the first time I've gotten pissed off and had the owner try to calm me down and promise me stuff. I've already updated my resumé and portfolio, have given a copy to my college placement department, and will be sending resumes out on my own after the new year. I've already made the decision to leave. I have to accept that this situation is what it is and that instead of letting my pride be wounded over and over, to actually draw things in my life that make me feel GOOD.

We do all these things to ourselves.

 

[KontrollerX]

Yeah you can't really expect fair play in a work environment dude.

You have to consider workplace people as your competition and just laugh and joke with them when you're on break but never stop looking for the knife coming towards your back from one or all of them.

The only people you should count on to be able to rest and let down your guard with are friends and family.

It sucks but thats the way it is.

Also people who don't apologize sincerely are not worthy of forgiveness so don't concentrate on the forgiving part so much as the forgetting part reset.

These people and this job simply aren't worth your time.

Talk is cheap and if your boss knows whats good for him you will be made manager ASAP or you will be manager at someother job that appreciates your talents.

 

[joekerr31]

Yeah you can't really expect fair play in a work environment dude.

i dont know if this is true. i've been in plenty of situations where not only were things fair, i was being overly praised and rewarded.

i think a lot of the really 'dirty' players in the corporate world are actually the ones who have risen above their competence. its call the peter principle - the notion that peopel rise to their level of incompetence.

personally i think a better rule of thumb is trust those who are good at their jobs and do not trust those who are not good at their jobs. the ones who aren't good will become very political to compensate for their inabilities.

but those who are good at their jobs, at least i've found, are great allies. they tend to be kind, trust worthy, apolitical, etc.

 

[reset]

These people and this job simply aren't worth your time.

Talk is cheap and if your boss knows whats good for him you will be made manager ASAP or you will be manager at someother job that appreciates your talents.

Yeah. His voice quivers around me, he knows he's got some tough decisions to make, but he's afraid of conflict. I told him I wanted a higher position... but all I felt afterwards was "wait--no I don't. What I want is to leave. I should have gotten the promotion a long time ago."

 

[reset]

personally i think a better rule of thumb is trust those who are good at their jobs and do not trust those who are not good at their jobs. the ones who aren't good will become very political to compensate for their inabilities.

but those who are good at their jobs, at least i've found, are great allies. they tend to be kind, trust worthy, apolitical, etc.

It's the power thing. People who know they aren't good at what they do and are always worried about "being found out" will do whatever they can to hold onto what they have. I've experienced this time and time again here. I've had to learn ways to combat it but it's pointless. I don't feel that same desperation. I know I can do better. I see myself as kind and trustworthy. I don't try to screw people over. I DO make sure I get what's mine, but I have no desire to take something away from someone else.

But it's true. I've made this job the focal point of my life and it's kind of become my family which is why it hurts. Right now I'm just working on taking that plunge, "reseting" my life so I can have friends and other things outside of work so I don't have to emotionally invest in it so much. The job has been a big burden and has made it so I don't have much energy to live my life.... just trying to stay sane here has sucked away my energy. I can't have more friends and learn to have great relationships with women if I walk around all day hating my job. I'm glad I'm realizing this now, like joekker mentioned it's that fear of looking around the corner. I think I'm stronger now that I can just turn the damn corner.

 

[Interceptor]

I believe the most fundamental error you made was too large an emotional investment in these people, whom it seems all they really want is to just move up the ladder, not become good freinds with you or anybody,.

You trusted and invested in people whom it seems like they CANNOT really pay you back what you are owed, what you deserve.

Respect, and honor can only be given by those who recognize it and appreciate in themselves, thus, they can GIVE it to another.
We can only give back , what we have recognized in ourselves.
A sign of immaturity is a lack of respecting, and recognizing value, and quality.
A lack of appreciation of these things, in themselves and in others.


Co Workers, are not to be taken as 'close friends". Generally speaking. There are always exceptions though. IN fact, I do have a few co workers, whom I KNOW are my true "friends".
But what it boils down to is : to what degree of an emotional investment are you making in this person?

This applies to ALL relationships.

As you got more attached, you began expecting loyal 'friend" behavior, rather than "Gimme what's mine, dog! Get out of my way!" behavior.
You also probably liked the 'honoring" they gave you, the respect. But, apparently, it may have been half hearted, or insincere.
Although, remember this, LEADERSHIP responsibilities and OPPORTUNITIES WILL be given to those who demonstrate WISDOM. However, those people who give you more and more decision making power MUST be mature enough to RECOGNIZE your WISDOM.


The bad thing about getting used to honor, and praise is the fall from grace.

Below I wrote down some old Chinese proverbs that might help you:


It would seem that favor and disgrace
are both to be equally feared.
Honor and disaster must be regarded
as personal conditions of the same kind.

What do we mean by speaking thus
of favor and disgrace?
Disgrace is being in a lowly position
after having enjoyed favor.
Receiving favor leads
to apprehension of losing it;
Losing it leads to the fear
of still great disaster.
Therefore, favor and disgrace
are both to be equally feared.

And what do we mean by saying
that honor and disaster
are to be similarly regarded
as personal conditions?
Honor and disaster come
from having a body.
Without a body, how could they occur?

Surrender yourself humbly,
it is then you can care for all things.
Love the world as your Self,
it is then you may be truly entrusted
with all things.


II

The greatest object
of the superior person
is to preserve peace and tranquility.

He takes no pleasure
in winning battles
for if he did so
he would be finding gratification
in the pain of others.

He believes
that he who takes delight
in the defeat of others
does not follow the Tao.

That which is not the way of the Tao
will not endure.

III


Dwell close to the earth.
Meditate deep into the heart.
Deal gently and kindly with others.
Speak the truth.
Work competently.
Time your actions carefully.

Where there is not fight
there is no blame.

IV

Achieve, but do not glory in the results.
Achieve, but do not boast of the results.
Achieve results, but not through violence.
Force is followed by loss of strength.

V

The wise person embraces the One
and sets an example to all.

Not putting on a show,
he shines;
not justifying himself,
he is distinguished
not boasting,
he is acknowledged.

He does not quarrel,
so no one quarrels with him.


Reset,
Sometimes when we focus too closely on one aspect, we lose sight of the wonderful things already around us.
If it's time to move on, the Man moves on.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I'm just upset with how you can't really trust people or count on them. I want to stay positive and upbeat in life, and be a man. I've done all the political moves and speaking up I can. Nothing changes. Part of me wants to tell everyone to go to hell, but I know the best thing is to just move on with my life. But it's hard to move on when you feel victimized, it's like you get caught up in the drama... same thing with chicks. The drama just perpetuates itself and you become addicted to the problem. I deserve much better.

Don't allow what's happening around you to define you as a person or how you feel. Ask yourself who at this very moment is making feel victimized? What happened at work happened at work. Who's making you feel that way right now?

As for what you deserve who says that you are deserved anything from anyone else? Why do you feel that what you do merits anything from anyone else? If you want something you should get it. Why wait on anyone else? All you deserve is what you achieve, not what you feel that someone else "should" do for you.

 

[reset]

Hey Interceptor. I'm not sure how much of it is that I got used to adulation. This department was a little two bit operation when I started here and by circumstance I took what we make here and raised the level of what we produce. It's not just the people, it's walking away from something I have built.

But,

Respect, and honor can only be given by those who recognize it and appreciate in themselves, thus, they can GIVE it to another.
We can only give back , what we have recognized in ourselves.
A sign of immaturity is a lack of respecting, and recognizing value, and quality.
A lack of appreciation of these things, in themselves and in others.

This is so true. No wonder I got so frustrated. I was expecting to get something that couldn't exist to begin with.

However, those people who give you more and more decision making power MUST be mature enough to RECOGNIZE your WISDOM.

Duh! Why didn't I see this? I saw it. I just need to acknowledge it.


The bad thing about getting used to honor, and praise is the fall from grace.

If it's time to move on, the Man moves on.

Yeah. Moving on from a lot of things it looks like. Maybe I didn't feel like a man before, now I do and this is why I'm going through all these changes.

Thanks for the quotes... I do my best to be as true to myself as possible and try NOT to get caught up in power games. I have to do that here--so it is going against my values. That's why it's ticking me off. I'm not in a place that is true to what I want.

 

[reset]

Don't allow what's happening around you to define you as a person or how you feel. Ask yourself who at this very moment is making feel victimized? What happened at work happened at work. Who's making you feel that way right now?

Me. I'm doing it to myself, as a knee jerk reaction to growing up feeling victimized, when I always have the choice how to feel and RESPOND to life... I mean I'm here by choice. The only reason this stuff is happening is because I chose to stay here. That's not what a "victim" likes to hear but it's true.

As for what you deserve who says that you are deserved anything from anyone else? Why do you feel that what you do merits anything from anyone else? If you want something you should get it. Why wait on anyone else? All you deserve is what you achieve, not what you feel that someone else "should" do for you.

I feel I've earned it. I've put in the time, the years, the effort, saved the day a zillion times, and everyone telling me I should be in charge because I should.... but I may have fallen into pearls before swine territory. I'm responsible for all of this.

Damn. My whole life revolves around my workplace. Not good. Now I see.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Reset,

You're are 100% right. You deserve much better.

However, there are a couple more probverbs that come to mind:

"To ensure peace, prepare for war."

"If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup."

What these mean is that you must, and I mean *must*, start looking for another job. For many reasons.

First, having another offer on the table gives you enormous bargaining power.

Second, you may very well find something far better out there (perhaps a higher paying role, or a larger company where you can learn some best practices and get a brand name on your resume).

Additionally, it's a bit like that scene in Total Recall, where Schwarzenegger has to decide to take the red pill or not. If you don't take that red pill, and commit to improving your work situation, and start putting your resume on Monster, etc., nothing will get better.

I'm not saying you need to get another job. But you sure as heck better start looking, if you want this one to get any better. If you're not really and truly ready to leave, don't expect things to improve. If you are, your life is going to get better in a hurry.

Too many people get 'oneitis' for their jobs, the same way that guys do for women.

I guess I'll go on a bit of a tangent. I've learned a huge amount from this board. I can name many posters that have had a truly profound affect on my social life, just from me reading their words of wisdom. But often, I catch glimpses into their professional lives, from the things they post. Time and again, I wonder why it is they don't see the parallels between how they work with women, and how they work their professional lives and careers.

So go ahead and 'spin your plates'. Weigh all your options. And when you're done, you should either have another 'HB' with a high 'IL' in play, or this 'AW BPD' chick should get into line.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Me. I'm doing it to myself, as a knee jerk reaction to growing up feeling victimized, when I always have the choice how to feel and RESPOND to life... I mean I'm here by choice. The only reason this stuff is happening is because I chose to stay here. That's not what a "victim" likes to hear but it's true.

BRAVO!

I feel I've earned it. I've put in the time, the years, the effort, saved the day a zillion times, and everyone telling me I should be in charge because I should.... but I may have fallen into pearls before swine territory. I'm responsible for all of this.

That's the mindset from the days of the "Industrial Age." Back when companies felt obligated to compensate you for any work that is done beyond the duties which you were hired to perform. Back in the day when production was easily measured by how many widgets you could build in eight or twelve hours.

Times have changed my friend. It's the "Information Age" and the widgets on the assembly line is now intellectual capital. It's not easily measured and everyone has some. Nowadays people are just paid to pass along information. Things go well because of the information which is passed; things go into the crapper because of the information (or lack of) which is passed. Things are brought back to normal because of the information that is passed. Talk about a mouse running in a wheel, you just keep running...

Damn. My whole life revolves around my workplace. Not good. Now I see.

Do your legs feel wobbly after getting off the wheel?

 

[reset]

If you're not really and truly ready to leave, don't expect things to improve. If you are, your life is going to get better in a hurry.

Too many people get 'oneitis' for their jobs, the same way that guys do for women.

Yes, that's exactly what it's like. I haven't built a "life" for myself outside of this place. I know nothing "makes" you happy. But I've allowed myself to BE unhappy... all the drama and stress. It's no wonder I fall into oneitis. And I'm not some ogre sitting here behind this keyboard (lol) I'm a fun, cool, down to earth guy who gets along with just about everyone. Yet there's some crappy wiring from my childhood which says I'm not good enough or this or that so i stay miserable, scared and lonely while everyone says, "wow he's such a great guy I wonder why he still works at that job or doesn't have a girlfriend, I don't get it."

FVCK THAT! :box: Damn. All this "be a man stuff" is starting to get to me.

 

[reset]

Do your legs feel wobbly after getting off the wheel?

Yeah. It feels like I awoke one day on the beach to find I was completely covered in sand and couldn't move, and realizing that I was sleep-walking and pouring the sand on myself.

 

[jophil28]

I spend many years in technical middle management and this is what I learned-
"You can 'train' staff to be competent and to perform well but you cannot train people to be loyal "...

Engineering (my profession) is "the manipulation of men, money and materials."
My education taught me about handling materials only ..The manipulation of 'men' is the toughest of all and one for which we are mostly poorly prepared..

Good hunting , Reset

 

[MikeEdward1973]

Yet there's some crappy wiring from my childhood which says I'm not good enough or this or that so i stay miserable, scared and lonely while everyone says, "wow he's such a great guy I wonder why he still works at that job...

Pay attention to that.

I may not know much about women, but damn if I don't know how to choke senior management to the wall for promotions.

Just PM me if you want some more color on that.

 

[joekerr31]

awesome !

PS - curiosity should be one of our biggest allies as we go through life. being curious takes a lot of the fear out of life. but when we are too afraid to be curious - when all we want is to know whats around every corner - we end up going nowhere.

i'll say this - and only time will tell - i believe that one day, when im lying on my death bed, i'll die a happy man. becuase i'll tell you this - i'll be damn curious to see what comes next!

heck, to me, even death is an adventure waiting to happen. and if its not, oh well, i won't exist to regret the philosophy by which i lived

 

[reset]

Thanks for all the insight guys. When I started at this forum it was all about learning to turn a girl's drama against her and to come out on top. Then I started seeing stuff that NO AFC wants to see, "chicks aren't everything, get your life in gear first then WATCH the quality women come" and it's threads like these that show me what really COUNTS in life. And it's not women. It's having body, mind and soul working together CONGRUENTLY so that you can RESPOND to your life's circumstance, not REACT---and by doing that create a fantastic KINGDOM for yourself, with yourself as noble king and ruler of your own life.

I have no shame in saying that I lived 31 years in a self-inflicted fog and with the help of POSITIVE MEN like you I am learning to focus on what truly matters in life (no, it's not just chicks) and am learning ways to be a congruent, healthy Man. My balls drop with a big "thud". Like Mike alluded to--the way you handle yourself with women, and the way you handle the rest of your life--it's all connected. How you handle one is a good indication of how you handle the other.

As for this topic, you guys just helped me to accept what I already knew deep down-- and that is fear and weakness take the forms of complacency and "comfort" (even if it's a deceptive, destructive form of comfort) with the status quo. And that's just not good enough for me anymore. Life really IS pushing me in a new direction. This job is history. The rest of my life is the future. Thanks again. :woo:

 

[romangod]

Good job, Reset. It sounds like you're on the right path to becoming a Mature Man. Keep up the good work.



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