Your thoughts please

[KontrollerX]

"yesterday a friend said that she had asked about me stating "did he die or just his phone?"

now i dont get why she can't just call if she's at all curious?"

Oh its just a bullsh!t power game on her part.

She knows you have stopped talking to her but she is wondering why but doesn't want to seem too direct about it which could give you ideas such as she wants you, etc.

Basically you could've stopped communication for any reason in her mind from purposefully distancing yourself, to simply having technical difficulties.

Talking to your friend who will relay back her concerns to you is an indirect way she can inquire as to your whereabouts and why you are not speaking to her anymore without her having to put herself out there and do it herself.

If your friend is playing the go between and wants to relay a message from you back to her tell him to tell her that if she wants to know whats going on she'll have to call and when she calls then you tell her the speech about you both wasting your time as not being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Edit: Oh and sorry I didn't get this in sooner but the reason its a power game is she is hoping by talking to your friend you will contact her. The book 48 Laws of Power says that its always better to have your target come to you than the other way around.

 

[Tazman]

I think "telling" her is the wrong way to go about this. It pretty much makes cutting contact a complete waste of time. Don't pass messages through anyone either, that's what chicks do. If you ever speak to her and she asks why you haven't talked to her you should simply say you've been "busy". Don't turn around and start telling her "Well, I've been wasting my time with you because you won't be with me", etc....

The whole point of this is to keep her in doubt. Toss a few nuggets out there for her to nibble on, but that's it. If she asks details you can be vague about it because it's your prerogative. During all of this you can still be friendly and cordial but you have to give her the impression that you've been busy with other things and this has nothing to do with her. Your "actions" are what will change the tide, not your words. She has to "want" to change her behavior on her own because you can't negotiate attraction.

The reason words don't work is because, coming from a man, the communication is direct and OVERT, while actions can be COVERT and inspire doubt.

 

[cNfny]

Nice. Well I actually told him to say that he didn't know but that I havn't been on aim when I'm out lately.

So I have to be vague and let my business create interest in her? I'm lost should I be acting distant to get her to pull a move on me? Or should I ask to hang out sometime this week and try for a kiss?

 

[Tazman]

Basically, she shouldn't think that all of this is an "act" to get a reaction out of her. You should genuinely make yourself busy with other things (other girls would be great). Don't just pretend to be busy. You have to do this knowing you may not talk to her again, because as it stands you've already wasted a lot of time and effort on her.

She knows you like her, asking her out and trying to kiss her is like moving backwards. She's not waiting on some admission from you about how much you like her. What's done is done, there's no sense in trying to wind back time because you can't. My point is you need to stop "trying" to pursue anything with this chick. If something happens by "chance", fine, but you need to change your focus.

When you have to start playing these sorts of games the outcome is never worth it.

 

[reset]

My point is you need to stop "trying" to pursue anything with this chick. If something happens by "chance", fine, but you need to change your focus.

I agree. You like the chick, fine. But there's more to you than that. And even if you don't have other girls you are currently seeing, there is more to your life, your passions, hobbies, other friends, things you want to learn more about, whatever it is, that are ALWAYS going to be there for you, no matter what person may or may not be in your life at the time. It's a difficult to do, but that's the key: learn to put women in their proper perspective. They are fun thing to have in your life, but they are not the PURPOSE of your life. You have to get to the point where it's at least acceptable to you that you may not be with her. That is YOUR power.

At this point I'd say, try to do something to get her off your mind. It can only be good for you.

My thing is music. I can get so stressed out, and worry and analyze, but as soon as I sit at the keyboard, start playing or writing a song, all the other stuff tends to move to the background, and when I'm done, I realize that it's not such a big deal.

A lesson I could learn too, is to not let this place be so important to you. Sometimes when you keep focusing on the thing you're trying to overcome (insecurities with women) just focusing on that so much tends to keep it a problem for you.

Which means I'm logging out for awhile.

 

[cNfny]

I understand. My only issue is if she happens to call, should I answer? Or call back and if she wants to hang out, should I? I'm talkin in the sense that her call isn't so straight forward as "I want to be with you" but more realistic as "let's hang out"

 

[reset]

Do what you want to do because you want to do it.

No matter what happens that's just a good rule of thumb. Do your best to avoid these games. It's always better when distancing yourself is for a real purpose, not becuase you're trying to create the illusion that you have other things to distract you.

 

[KontrollerX]

Reset is right do what you want to do and if that means hanging out with her when she calls you go and do that but go for what you want which is clearly her being your girlfriend.

Do the kino, move in for a kiss and if she rejects your advances you say oh well and leave her presence immediately.

That will send the ultimate message to her of what she has to do to get and keep you in her life.

Good luck.

 

[cNfny]

Update:

so she calls me yesterday and asks if my phone had died because i haven't been online. (only thing she asks about my random disappearance) so i tell her i stopped goin on AIM via my phone because it was too distracting for when i'm out.

so small talk she begins to tell me how she's been so exhausted from work etc. i cut it short and say "hey i have to get goin but lets get together sometime soon"

so today she texts askin what im doin, i call her and we meet up with a friend and his gf. basically just us hanging out, at one point i made a comment about another friend and she reacts with "i'm starting to see that you're a real jerk"

is this a good sign? ha

 

[KontrollerX]

What comment did you make about the other friend?

Also bad idea hanging out with her and other people.

Should only do the hanging out thing when its just you and her so you can make a move.

 

[cNfny]

there was a conversation about my other friend who keeps breakin up with one girl then gettin back with the other and vice versa. we all agreed it was because one of them is newer so he's confusing it for the "better" one.

i made a comment about how funny it was and that someone should tell him. she suggested i do and i said "nah, i really don't care"

 

[KontrollerX]

Hmmm, did she say this in a serious tone that you are a real jerk or did she kind of laugh about it?

 

[cNfny]

it was more along the border of i'm a real jerk. i think what she meant by it was i'm selfish in a way. i'm usually passive and indifferent about situations that don't have any hard hitting affects on me, and i might show it more around her.

 

[reset]

Depends on what you said. Being called a jerk can be good or bad. It depends on the situation.

What do YOU THINK man?

From your posts, I can say this: you have entered her frame. There is no doubt in my mind that this chick is in charge of this relationship. And the things you are doing, are all based on getting her approval. She said this, she said that. If it were me, I would think this has gone on long enough.

At this time, I would suggest putting this chick out of your mind for just a moment. Who's reality are you dealing with here... yours or hers? She has established the frame. You are dancing to her tune.

Is this what you want for yourself? Having all the right things to say, just because you think they are the right things to say, is not setting the tone.

You have to come to terms with the fact that you may not get her. Is this something you can live with? Are you truly willing to walk away if you don't get what you want?

You are the man. It is your job to take the lead. Sure, she's given you the runaround, and you're doing your best to re-establish your own frame. And good for you for staying in the game.

I would suggest you re-read this thread, several times if you have to, and let the responses sink in.

This is one girl. And she is the "alpha" in this relationship. Right now, that's just the way it is.

It doesn't matter what she wants. It matters what you want. You want a relationship with this girl. Fine. That's your desire. I'm not here to shatter that.

But you are the man. You establish the rules of conduct. Which means, "my way or the highway", and that's that. Period. It's your responsibility to ensure it goes either your way or no way.

Forget about what she said, what you said, etc. I think you're missing the bigger picture: you establish the frame with women. P E R I O D.

 

[cNfny]

thanks reset i understand where you're coming from. here is another update to this that just happened.

after inviting me to her b-day for tomorrow.


her: OH!! i have a girl for you!

me: who is it? maybe by tonight we'll be in love and i'll have an excuse for missing your b-day tomorrow

her: no im saying i'll invite her tomorrow

her: you probably wouldnt like her actually

me: is she anything like you?

me: if not then hell yeas!

she then started sendin me pics of her and after each one i'd respond with a bigger "hmm" then i said "i'll have to see if she's a good kisser"

 

[cNfny]

Bump

 

[reset]

I don't know what else to add. Dude, you can't go through life needing advice on every little thing she says or does. Someday you'll lose internet access and you'll have to think on your toes.

Maybe this chick really does see you as a friend and she genuinely wants to set you up with a girl she think would be good for you.

Maybe she's just trying to make you jealous.

Maybe she wants to see how much you really like her.

Doesn't matter. You already know what you want. That's what counts.

Do whatever it is you're going to do, from that perspective.

 

[KontrollerX]

Law 40

Despise the Free Lunch

What is offered for free is dangerous – it usually involves either a trick or a hidden obligation. What has worth is worth paying for. By paying your own way you stay clear of gratitude, guilt, and deceit. It is also often wise to pay the full price – there is no cutting corners with excellence. Be lavish with your money and keep it circulating, for generosity is a sign and a magnet for power.

The way I see it is she senses you are going to pull the plug on any interactions with her at all soon if she does not give you what you want.

So in true deceptive chick fashion she has come up with a way to ignite your interest keeping you around as her girlfriend and what better way to ignite male interest than offering them female companionship from a friend of hers.

Not her, herself of course.

She can't allow herself to be conquered that easily.

No she will instead regain your friendship and supplication through making herself valuable to you again by subtley offering you female treats.

Then when those fizzle and fail she can gradually move you away from hoping that she will hook you up with other hot chicks to her good little obediant girlfriend again.

So yeah next this chick and do not look back.

At least not until she starts doing and saying what you want to hear.

When and if she tries to contact you again if its not about wanting you and her to hang out alone or something like that you are not interested.

Period.

Don't even go out with the girl she is trying to set you up with.

That is the free lunch you must reject.

 

[Incog]

End the friendship and end contact. You don't need another friend. And she does not want to date you. ! T X E N

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

so she calls me yesterday and asks if my phone had died because i haven't been online.

Translation: "Where's all that attention you were giving me a while back? I've noticed you're under your quota for worship of me and I need affirmation now."

she reacts with "i'm starting to see that you're a real jerk"

Translation: "You better give me some attention like you were or I'm not going to play friends with you."


When a woman, especially one who's LJBFed you, calls you a 'Jerk', wear it as a badge of honor. How many times have you read thread's called "Why do Jerks get all the hottest girls?" Congratulation, you're doing it right.

My only critique would be that you kind of fumbled when she asked why you weren't IMing her. Always make your reason something unavoidably positive and affirming (call it lying if you want), but make it something like "I've just been really busy with this school stuff, my job promotion, helping my sickk aunt, etc." Encourage your own ambivalence with something positively responsible that she'd never attack. Remember, let a woman's imagination work for you.