your thoughts - did i overreact?

[DJArlington]

DJs - I dated a girl on and off for a few years and our relationship was rocky due to a number of factors including the fact that I found a sex video, she wouldn't stop talking to her ex's, nonetheless I fell in love with this chick and we dated on and off. My family didn't like her which caused some problems. She treated me like a king and was very much in love with me. I know sometimes the actions speak louder than words but I gave her the benefit of the doubt on everything.

well we stop seeing each other in Jan 08 and by the summertime this year I thought I would give it a chance so we started talking again. A number of things happened and it's been a rocky road but I thought by this Fall we could be together. well we've talking on and off and she always says she's in love with me and now I find out that she's been dating someone for three months and has been banging the guy, while she's been saying she's still in live me. i feel like my heart just got ripped out. well, i sent her some mean but not nasty text messages saying i can't stand the fact she didn't tell she moving on and led me to believe i was still in the picture.

i know i should move on from the situation - why can't I ? what is wrong with me?

 

[STR8UP]

This why:

1) You can't listen to what a woman says

2) You should never battle a woman with words

First of all, get that "love" bullsh!t out of your head.

Secondly, stop sending nasty text messages. When a chick cuts you, no matter what she does or says you will always have some dignity intact. YOU are the only one who can give this away. All you are doing by showing her you are upset is handing over the last shred you have left.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Any time I've ever heard a guy say, "It's a rocky road right now, but I think we'll stick together" they're broken up within a year.

The reason you're hung up on this ONEitis is because you lack any real options and you think she's your "sure thing". Spin more plates my friend.

 

[Vulpine]

Ooooooh... I was about to bust your chops hard-core, but I looked again. At first, I just assumed you were retarded, then I assumed "troll", but a few things jumped out.

DJs - I dated a girl on and off for a few years and our relationship was rocky due to a number of factors including the fact that I found a sex video, she wouldn't stop talking to her ex's, nonetheless I fell in love with this chick and we dated on and off. My family didn't like her which caused some problems. She treated me like a king and was very much in love with me. I know sometimes the actions speak louder than words but I gave her the benefit of the doubt on everything.well we stop seeing each other in Jan 08 and by the summertime this year I thought I would give it a chance so we started talking again. A number of things happened and it's been a rocky road but I thought by this Fall we could be together. well we've talking on and off and she always says she's in love with me and now I find out that she's been dating someone for three months and has been banging the guy, while she's been saying she's still in live me. i feel like my heart just got ripped out. well, i sent her some mean but not nasty text messages saying i can't stand the fact she didn't tell she moving on and led me to believe i was still in the picture.i know i should move on from the situation - why can't I ? what is wrong with me?

I tried to put myself in your shoes, and it made my stomach twist. I don't know all the details, but maybe you should read this thread and see if you can't find some insights and avoid this sort of snow job in the future: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=134717

Meanwhile, put that worthless wench in your trebuchet and launch her out of your kingdom.:trouble:

 

[DJArlington]

I dumped her a while ago and she kept coming back. In fact I dumped her eight months into our relationship, then she left the country, and then i still let her back into my life. heck she even moved to my city where i live and i told her not to.

so here's the kicker, her roommates call me up last night and ***** me out for screwing with her. this is nuts - she's the who slept with the guy yet is telling me that she wants me back in her life. i know i'm not a prince either but man i'm such an idiot for hanging on this long, and for it to all end and blow up in my face the way it did is quite painful.

 

[DonGorgon]

well, i sent her some mean but not nasty text messages saying i can't stand the fact she didn't tell she moving on and led me to believe i was still in the picture.

^^^ that what a woman would do ... you as the man must never give a Fcku enough to do that..

 

[Vulpine]

Yep, you are EASY prey for a cluster B.

....guys i dated this girl for three years on and off. we finally broke it off for good in December 2007.
....

and by the way the sex was mind blowing - honestly it'll never get better than this.

and i have dated around during our on / off break up periods. the girls were cool but not like her.

When I was younger I had game (I'm 28 now). Then I quit smoking (this happened about 4 years ago) and proceeded to gain 40 pounds. I'm trying hard to lose the weight but I need to get better. I'm about 5 11' 1/2" and currently weigh 227 pounds. I was 180 before I quit smoking and I used to have girls approach (happened a few times) me.

Since I've quit smoking I have had a few girlfriends, but I feel like I've lost my edge and confidence. ITs weird when I smoked I thought I was such a rebel, even had a few girls tell me I was a bad ass. Now I'm a fat non-smoker whose a nice guy.

This totally sucks. How do I get my edge back w/o going back to the smokes? Has anyone had a similar experience with quitting smoking? I also feel like its harder to meet women. Before I would give them a light, or they would bum a cigarette off of me. It was so easy back in the day.

when i confronted her about it she refused to delete it saying that i was a snoop. then she called the guy in the video and said that her new boyfriend (me) found out about it. she was very defensive over the whole thing, obviously being called out about it. eventually she began to change course and she herself wanted to delete it. it was astonishing how much resistance she put up. it changed the course of our relationship and i began to look at her differently. to be honest it still hurts a little that she kept the thing. would you like the future mother of your children to have been in a sex tape, even though it was before you and no one knew about it? i'm so freaking confused.

Dude I saw the whole thing, it was her giving him a BJ and the dude nudding in her mouth, then her licking the rest up afterwards. I got upset because you would think that someone would delete something of that nature. And obviously after that I looked at her as a *****. I know every woman has a past but man that is totally ridiculous. I just couldn't take it, it still spooks me. I am young, I can find another girl. Obviously, much harder said than done.

If you aren't going to take any of the advice that was given, then, why do you bother to post?

Your lack of capital letters alone landed you a cozy spot on my ignore list.

In this game, there is no helping those who refuse to help themselves.

 

[Colossus]

DJs - I dated a girl on and off for a few years and our relationship was rocky due to a number of factors including the fact that I found a sex video, she wouldn't stop talking to her ex's, nonetheless I fell in love with this chick and we dated on and off. My family didn't like her which caused some problems. She treated me like a king and was very much in love with me. I know sometimes the actions speak louder than words but I gave her the benefit of the doubt on everything.

well we stop seeing each other in Jan 08 and by the summertime this year I thought I would give it a chance so we started talking again. A number of things happened and it's been a rocky road but I thought by this Fall we could be together. well we've talking on and off and she always says she's in love with me and now I find out that she's been dating someone for three months and has been banging the guy, while she's been saying she's still in live me. i feel like my heart just got ripped out. well, i sent her some mean but not nasty text messages saying i can't stand the fact she didn't tell she moving on and led me to believe i was still in the picture.

i know i should move on from the situation - why can't I ? what is wrong with me?

Considering the level of emotional investment you let yourself get to over a woman who presented red flags from the beginning (still talking to ex's, sex tape??, parents dislike her), you did not necessarily 'overreact'. You acted accordingly with the magnitude of your investment in her.

Dude, I used to be you. When I read your post for a second there I thought it was one of my early sosuave posts. You can go back and read them if you want, it's pathetic. I fell in love with a girl who was a bad apple from day fvcking one. I know your story--good times, rough times, the intensity of your feelings for her, the lingering affections after it's over, and the smoldering jealousy and betrayal you felt when you find out she has been with someone else---this is a sea I have sailed, my friend.

You don't need some lengthy analysis. One day, unexpectedly, you will realize what you have lost by continually pursuing her. You will also realize that you have (hopefully) learned some profound lessons for life that could only have come through that experience.

Do not speak to this woman again. She is dead to you.

If you ever have an inkling of an urge to call or contact her, remind yourself this: you are pursuing a woman who told you she loved you while sleeping with another man! Is this what you deserve? Hells no.

 

[Sinistar]

Cool I get to post in the same thread as Rollo and Vulpine and Colosuss again - feels like old times. Now on to work:

i know i should move on from the situation - why can't I ? what is wrong with me?

...this is so easy and obvious it would be silly if it weren't so common and sad. The answer is because you still think at some level (even if it's small and you don't want to acknowledge publicly with us) that IT ISN'T OVER YET.

Tough Medicine coming next - read only if you want to finally be unplugged....

IT IS OVER. In her mind you will never be the guy she desires again. At the very best she'll bounce back to you once now and then when the current guy dumps her or she dump them. And she'll only do that to validate her self - completely at your expense. Internally she was keeping score with you the entire time and that last contact of yours will now make her permanently insecure regarding anything other than a very token (dare I say facade) friendship gesture. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER AGAIN. YOU CAN NOT REVERSE IT. That statement isn't a challenge for you to to try again (although I'm sure you'll see it as one so go ahead, be my guest and give it a shot).

The real question is - can you accept that truth instead of living in denial. Can you turn into what ever pain you are experiencing and move forward with your life. No crime has been committed, you just vented to her as it was ending. It never would have worked any longer than it did. It was meant to have a beginning and a ending. All things do. This one just happened to end sooner than you had expected (expectation train wreck everyone BTW).

You have probably heard the sage advice time after time. Get busy, work out, eat right, get back into your hobbies or try a few that you have always been wanting to experience. Put more time into work to get ahead. Date other women, lots of them. The only way you'll know you've found a better one is to absolutely sure what the worse ones are like.

The guys here say a woman at best is a compliment to a man's life. I totally agree. I'll go a step farther and add that a decent healthy woman will only seek to compliment your life (with many tests along the way). Until you find one of these, just keep dating and experiencing women. If your mindset is to find the one for you (and watch that thinking) you're gonna need to do the work because they're not going to just jump in your lap.

Rollo says it all the time - the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get. I can't think of a single guy I know who has a awesome women at his side that hasn't been through the ringer at least once.

So what are you going to do. Sit here and mope and groan and analyze endlessly? Or are you going to let this pain be transformed into something positive. The pain you are experiencing can become your drug and addiction that keep you stuck on her memory (remember she's not actually with you any more, she's a proxy at best). Or that pain can be the beginning of your new found awareness of how things work, how women behave and how things have beginnings and endings and that we can not control things.

Ball's in your court dude - my wifey is waiting at home with my daughter to make us a nice dinner and start the weekend. They're awesome. The path I took which reached this point with them in my life had many moments much like and possibly worse than you are experiencing. I moved forward with my life and stopped looking back

 

[window]

"well we stop seeing each other in Jan 08 and by the summertime this year I thought I would give it a chance so we started talking again."

I don't know about your case in particular but when you read this from a guy it translates to....she broke up with me but came back some time later looking to hook up again.

To solve all problems, once a girl breaks up with you never go back to her.

 

[DJArlington]

she called me tonight so we could end things on a good note. i kept thinking to myself are you out of your mind, you are banging another guy? i just went along with whatever she said. She's having a girls night to cheer her up. Man I don't get it. She also called the cell phone company to block herself from callingme and block myself from calling her, she told me this so I wouldn't wonder why I couldn't get through to her if I called her. Did I mention last night when I sent those text messages last night that her roommates called me last night to ***** me out. What craziness. This whole thing is nuts. I don't care anymore, but honestly I've said that before and look where it got me.

 

[NewMan]

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=149692

here you go.

 

[jophil28]

she called me tonight so we could end things on a good note. i kept thinking to myself are you out of your mind, you are banging another guy? i just went along with whatever she said. She's having a girls night to cheer her up. Man I don't get it. She also called the cell phone company to block herself from callingme and block myself from calling her, she told me this so I wouldn't wonder why I couldn't get through to her if I called her. Did I mention last night when I sent those text messages last night that her roommates called me last night to ***** me out. What craziness. This whole thing is nuts. I don't care anymore, but honestly I've said that before and look where it got me.

This is a typical BPD's SOP. They "dangle " themselves endlessly in an ambiguous and protracted breakup . This is their version of "twisting the knife" . Remember this - BPD women get pleasure out of inflicting emotional pain in men. They do it to ward off the possiblilty that the guy will hurt them first and it gives her the illusion of power. Evil critters !
I am not sure whether you nutjob is PD or not, but she is showing some similar traits.

Take the sage advice from the guys here. Dump here. It is over and she is stretching this ending out for her own sick reasons.

 

[DJArlington]

Here's another question. I basically hung her out to dry this summer because I was supposed to move to her city in early July. I guess based on what I know now she started dating the guy in early June and than after the stuff that happened in early July she started banging the guy.

I disappointed her bigtime but she still sent me cards saying i was her soulmate, called every now and then, etc. - but then boom she tells me last Monday after I tell her I'm going try to and come soon to her city. She says she wants me to but then later on that afternoon I get the phone call that she has been dating someone all summer and is sleeping with him. She also tells me our love story is like Jack and Rose in the Titanic. She tells me that constantly. I always told her that while I'm getting my crap together so I can move please just don't sleep with anyone but fine go date around. I understand she probably didn't have much confidence in me that I would move out there, but then for her to call me and say she has feelings for me tc., isn't this slight betrayal? I know that I can't control what she does.

 

[Mr.Positive]

, but then for her to call me and say she has feelings for me tc., isn't this slight betrayal? I know that I can't control what she does.

It's a huge betrayal for her to tell you that you are "soulmates" while she's out banging another dude. Remember, always judge a woman's ACTIONS, not words. If she is banging someone else, no matter what she says...she has zero respect for you.

She is manipulating you. You are a pawn in her little game. Life is too short, man, only allow quality people to occupy your time and thoughts.

Keep your sanity DJArlingtion. Cut this woman out of your life, completely and for good.

 

[DJArlington]

Here's the thing. We broke up on and off, etc. I manipulated her at times as well. I never slept with anyone else, though I did date around. Can't all the manipulation just cancel out?

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Here's the thing. We broke up on and off, etc. I manipulated her at times as well. I never slept with anyone else, though I did date around. Can't all the manipulation just cancel out?

The only thing that needs canceling out is your feelings for her. Things were not good from the start. You need to start respecting yourself. This is a classic case of dysfunction. You manipulated her. She lied to you. Is this what you want a relationship to be built on?

 

[DJArlington]

Actually I didn't exactly manipulate, i broke it off with her she came back once, and heck she even moved to the same city as me just so she could say that she tried hard in our relationship. so freaking crazy.

 

[Phyzzle]

I'm not even sure why you'd be angry at her. She doesn't really sound that bad to me.

She slept with another guy? So? Was she in some sort of relationship with you? I don't think she was, from your post. And I don't see the problem with making a sex tape, and your family isn't always right.

I think you made the same mistake Newman made in his situation: you got possessive over some fvck buddy that you have no relationship with. Some chick that you already decided you don't even WANT a relationship with. Restrain yourself. You can't be ticked whenever a former girl of yours bangs another guy.

And all these bad feeling will go away if you have another girl somewhere in the works.

 

[DJArlington]

I'm not even sure why you'd be angry at her. She doesn't really sound that bad to me.

She slept with another guy? So? Was she in some sort of relationship with you? I don't think she was, from your post. And I don't see the problem with making a sex tape, and your family isn't always right.

I think you made the same mistake Newman made in his situation: you got possessive over some fvck buddy that you have no relationship with. Some chick that you already decided you don't even WANT a relationship with. Restrain yourself. You can't be ticked whenever a former girl of yours bangs another guy.

And all these bad feeling will go away if you have another girl somewhere in the works.

Once I found the sex tape she refused to delete it, that's what the problem was there - and then she called the guy in the video and then accused me of stirring **** up between them. Eventually she saw things my way but for a month she refused to do anything about it. Yea I stayed with her because I thought I could overcome a lot of things, but at the end of the day I couldn't. I was the one who let her go - I think the big lesson learned is once a decision has been made, you have to stick with it (if it makes logical sense, which in this case it obviously did) and move forward with your life.

I brought this pain onto myself for not listening to my gut instincts. This is what happens when you stay involved in something that's not healthy, and honestly when you are thinking with a certain downstairs body part and not your head.