Your input on how this went

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Hey guys. I just got out of an LTR, and I will be first to admit, in the course of all this I forgot many things I already knew and went AFC for a bit. Here's the story. She considers our LTR to have lasted 5 years, I say 3. Her math is a little fuzzy because I was living with another girl 2 of those years. She was an old friends' girl, dumped him, and slowly but surely started coming after me towards the end of 2003. That's when we ended up having sex, but I got back with my other LTR and lived together until we broke up at the end of 2004. When we broke up, she was all about seeing me through it, and the summer of 2005 I ended up moving back home, where she was.
We pursued a relationship from then on, but it was always 95% her and 5% me. I unknowingly enacted DJ principles with her by not giving a fvck, but giving her enough to make her go crazy for me.
Anyway, at the end of 2007 her job closed down but she got transfered to a city roughly 40 mins. from home. We got into the long distance thing and it went pretty well for the beginning of 08. Last summer hit and my job had me working 60 grueling hours a week and I did not have the time or the energy to go be with her every weekend. I was distracted and took her for granted.

By the end of the year, her IL had finally died off and she broke up with me. A month later, at the beginning of January 09, she starts texting and calling. When I called her back, she was hysterical with "there's no one like you","I love you" and I should have paid more attention to the recurring "Do you still love me?" I didn't cave immediately, but two days later I admitted that I still loved her. She was ecstatic and we were getting back together.
As I am a passionate man, I had been dealing with alot of pain from our breakup, but I was doing much better, until the night she called me. From then on, I drifted into AFCness. I had so many unanswered questions, blah blah. The way she had broke it off, I did not expect to hear from her a month later. I became needy, desperate, supplicating...completely unexcusable behavior for a man of my caliber.
Slowly but surely, she got weirder and weirder. I did not talk to her the week before valentines. But in this week was when I started putting aside rampant emotions and realized that my true source of conflict was that I was not listening to my gut. I knew something was off. At this same time, I am starting a new career, and decided I didn't need this sh!t. So the thursday before v-day I call her to break it off. No answer. She calls me friday night and LBJFs me. I tell her "That's the best thing you could've said, I called you last night to break it off." That threw her. Stupidly we made plans to have dinner on valentines anyway. V-Day I was working in the library and thought "Am I going to reward her for LBJFing me by taking her out on valentines day? Hell no!"
Being that we were such casual friends now, I texted her to tell her I wasn't going to come down. She texts back "go fvck yourself" then "I would never have broken a date on a text. U r not a gentleman, u r a coward. You don't deserve me." Does this mean I did something right? I don't know if I'd want her back or not, but I'd love to start hitting it again this summer. Point me in the right direction boys

 

[GuanYu]

Well things obviously didn't go well. It was kind of sh*tty for you to break of your get together via text, but if you all text a lot then it isn't too bad.

My advice will be based on the fact that you said you'd like to still fvck her.

Call her up and apologize for not being able to see her. Say some dumb sh*t like you were looking forward to it but something came up. Then say you'll make it up to her and set something up for some other time. If she's down then there's still potential for you to hit it.

If she does accept you immediately have to come off as extremely sexual only. Don't profess your love for her or any of that dumb sh*t, just let her know from the get go that you want to fvck. Whether or not you tell her directly or let her know indirectly is up to you, but I'm sure you know which one would be smoother.

Make sure to keep your emotions in check. If you think you'll fall in love with her all over again if you hit it, then you just have to be a man and leave her alone. Do you trust her? Is she a good woman? If your gut questions her at all then you can't get involved in a relationship with her for your own good.

Good luck

 

[vitor]

Just find a new woman. This is a vicous cycle and you can not control yourself around her.

You call her to break up, she dumps you first, == OK great
You make plans with her after she dumps you == WTF
Now you want to get her back or **** her again == WTF

Go get something new, she is gonna keep playing with you as you let her

 

[Mr. Me]

>> I unknowingly enacted DJ principles with her by not giving a fvck, but giving her enough to make her go crazy for me.>>

Just a thought: I think the way it works is that you didn't give her enough - and that's why she was crazy for more.

>> she got transfered to a city roughly 40 mins. from home. We got into the long distance thing >>

I wouldn't consider a 40 minute ride a long distance kind of thing.

>> I was distracted and took her for granted.

By the end of the year, her IL had finally died off and she broke up with me. A month later, at the beginning of January 09, she starts texting and calling. >>

If you did take her for granted, that's one of the big three or so reasons women will exit a relationship. My hunch is that she felt that neglect, found another guy and that's why she broke up with you by the end of the year. But it didn't work out with the other guy. Sometimes that happens when the guy in the wings realizes the girl is now free and all his, and he doesn't really want her, he just wanted to "borrow" her. Or sometimes the guy, now knowing the girl is all his, lets his guard down and he neglects her or does things that turn her off.

So by January, that fling was over, and so, she's calling you to find out if you're still in love with her aka "can I get him back?"

>> I became needy, desperate, supplicating...completely inexcusable behavior for a man of my caliber.>>

For a man of your potential, perhaps. If it were your caliber, doubtful that you would've acted any other way but that of your caliber.

But the thing is, when a girl dumps you because she has a bad taste in her mouth over the way she was treated in the relationship, like this one might've, that stays with them. It's forged in their memory. Her getting back with you wasn't because she realized you were wonderful despite her recent dynamics with you that made her want out, no, it was because she was without a boyfriend, and looking for someone to validate her until such time that she finds the next guy. You're the easy, comfort zone available guy for the time being. It would hardly ever become a permanent relationship. The second things go wrong between you, you would hear: "I knew it! I knew you hadn't changed! I knew I was soooooo stupid for getting back with you!"

Plus, when you go back to someone who dumped you, you're signaling to them that they can dump you, and you're willing to go back to them if and when they want you back, like a puppy dog. She can't respect a man like that, and love is based on respect.

Maybe that sense you had that things were "off", was your instinct picking up that perhaps she was with yet another guy, or getting back with the past guy, or her disrespect or disinterest or who knows what, but she wasn't fully there for you. But you did the smart thing and honored your instincts.

I'm sure she got your Thursday night call about breaking up, which is why she took the frame to LJBF you the next day. Women hate to be dumped and will even plead with you not to breakup with them, just so they can then dump you and have the satisfaction of having the last word.

So, your break up call didn't "throw her", she just acted that way to play out her game.

That breakup you did should've been done when you could do it face-to-face. You'd also have the satisfaction of seeing her reaction live without giving her wiggle room like your text did.

As to keeping the V-Day date, I don't know at who's urging it was, I suspect it was hers, but I'll bet the real inner reason behind it was that no one wanted to feel "alone" on that day, so you both agreed to keep the date.

But that steamed you ("Am I going to reward her... hell, no!"), and good for you, though maybe you ought to have thought "Why am I agreeing to keep a V-Day date with someone I decided to break up with?"

It would've been better to call her to cancel the date rather then text. Using text to cancel is more of what women do, then men. It is the coward's way, she's right!

Be that as it may, her hostility and vulgarity toward you belies her claim of loving you, doesn't it? Oh, how quickly they turn! LOL. What it is, is that she didn't get what she wanted. And that's the WHOLE point of her trying to get you back. It wasn't because of you. It was all about HER.

And she's got a little foul streak in her. Not my idea of a class act. If you are a man of better caliber, you can do better then her.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

You're all right. The problem here was I allowed my ego to factor far too much in the equation. Getting respect from her would have fixed it, right? Wrong. The ego is a hungry beast, and left unchecked, it will destroy you to ensure its continued gluttony. The correct foundation of self respect and confidence negates the ego by ensuring Unattachment to Outcome. I am guilty of allowing myself to forget these things.

And you're right, the text was the cowards' way. I would never have done that before. I was so pissed at myself for agreeing to see her that I know I did it as an Act of Sabotage. I shouldn't have done it that way, as I also sabotaged myself.

Yes, 40 minutes is not a real long drive, but it's always the little things. Like the fact that I let my sister drive my car last summer while she was in a tough spot, leaving me with my truck and $4.50 diesel. On top of the never ending work schedule. Yes, I was guilty of taking her for granted. The real world also didn't help much. For her either. She's a hard worker and got promotions in the new location, but they pay her nothing, she's always broke and lives on ramen noodles. Tasting poverty in the big city definitely changed her. Despite her work ethic, she was a complete AW and highly unstable, the "black sheep" among her God-fearing female cousins. It's always right under our nose, isn't it?

I have learned alot from this experience, and I appreciate everyone's input.

 

[Lollita_Luvr]

She seems to like the validation from you.

She broke up with you, calls you later on when she feels lonely and neglected and wants you to validate her, so she asks if you still love her. You say "yes", she gets her validation, suddnely her attention dies down for you, you act AFC and she is pushed back further from you.

I suggest telling her that you want to see her but casually and not in a serious way. She is free to do whatever she wants and so are you but you can occasionally hook up for a bang.

If she declines, be cool about it, say bye and get off. Ignore her until she either decides to be your phuk buddy or ust be friends. You could still use her to meet other women while out together.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Gents, you don't have to worry about me seeing other women...I'm giddyup. And no, I am not pondering calling her. I fvck who I want and I date high quality women from now on.

 

[GuanYu]

So you go from just wanting to fvck her to not wanting her at all due to a few posts? Seems kinda ridiculous to me.

I don't see anything wrong with using her for sex as long as you can keep your emotions in check. If you're not the type to just keep women for sex without getting emotionally attached then disregard this.

 

[Colossus]

I don't see anything wrong with using her for sex as long as you can keep your emotions in check. If you're not the type to just keep women for sex without getting emotionally attached then disregard this.

You cant keep an ex-LTR around 'just for sex'. Because it's never just sex. And it's not something a DJ would do; he would move on with his life.

I think this was a classic case of post break-up nostalgia. Our man here obviously DID have feelings tied up in her, regardless of his irreverence during their relationship. In any case, this was an unhealthy situation for both of them. You cant get a do-over once the relationship has become dysfunctional. You gotta move on.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Colossus hit the nail on the head. Nostalgia is the perfect word for what it was. I've seen guys in that situation where they are now "talking" or FBs or whatever with their ex and they never move on, they're always checking their cell phone as if she's not out fvcking someone else and all their friends talk about what pvssies they are.

I am moving on, like a DJ.

 

[mrRuckus]

It would've been better to call her to cancel the date rather then text. Using text to cancel is more of what women do, then men. It is the coward's way, she's right!

The number of times my emails go unanswered, texts ignored, phone calls ignored, dates canceled through text, and dumped through text (2 or 3 times now) I no longer care. I'm not a coward. I just don't feel like extending a courtesy that no one extends to me. I tried the righteous way, but I'm not going to be a bozo who is nice while being treated like crap.

I highly doubt this girl is so classy she hasn't done any of that stuff above before so she can stfu and stop doing the black kettle bullsh1t.

Oh no, she'll think less of me. Who cares about some female's messed up logic and whose opinion not only is irrelevant but likely based on emotion rather than thinking. If she was thinking, she'd be like "oh, that's what i've done to guys before. My ex and I do the same stuff." Fvck her for trying to hold me to a standard she can't even meet.



OP, what is the point of you being friends with her at all at this point? I don't talk to any of my exes anymore, and it's WONDERFUL. Especially when you come walking into IHOP with a tall, thin, beautiful blonde one Friday morning after she stayed over, and your last ex you broke up with 2 months ago just happens to come walking in with some frumpy ugly dude. And just "accidently" parks her car right next to yours.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

Dude I'm not trying to be friends with her. I just wanted people's thoughts on what happened.