Over the years I've observed many relationships. I've seen some constantly argue and others trying to break records for how many times they can have sex (one couple broke 1000 within 6 months, btw). But never have I seen a relationship like the one my friend Justin and Jessica had. It was perfect. Almost too perfect. There was only one time I had seen these two actually argue over something, but it didn't last long. I don't even remember what it was about. All I remember was that they were back to cute little snuggles and big smiles in no time. The forgiveness, the trust, the fun they had together... it was just amazing as far as relationships go. It was so good it was eerie; weird. Just odd.
For a long time I racked my brain trying to figure out what their secret was, and when it finally hit me it was so simple. This little secret is almost fail proof, and when you apply it, I dare say it's almost a guarantee that you can have the same type of relationship with every girl you will ever find attractive for the rest of your life. So what is this earth shattering, revolutionary secret? Justin and Jessica weren't having sex. They were platonic friends.
Looking back on every relationship I've had, I realized that they all had one thing in common: They were dynamic and in many ways unpredictable. There were always arguments, warm moments and moments of suspicion. There was fun, heartbreak, on going jokes and annoying habits. There was hot sex and cold stares. I've heard everything from "I love you" to "You need fvcking therapy".
I was curious to know if there was anything else I've always thought could be flawless and wonderful, but realistically will probably never be perfect. I began to revisit many of the approaches I've done, and I realized here too were signs of a dynamic, imperfect, symphony of fun, suspicion, jokes, cold stares and warm moments. Here too I've heard everything from "You're sexy" to "Leave me the fvck alone".
What it all boiled down to was that every approach is just like a mini-relationship. It's not supposed to be perfect...that is, if sex is to eventually be included in the deal. Oh sure, I've had approaches that seemed perfect to me at the time. I was kind, caring, chivalrous, sweet and cute enough to get a warm smile. I said the nicest things and was able to make a woman feel very comfortable and free of suspicion. And what happened? They all turned into platonic friendships, if I was even that lucky. Believe it or not, some of the hottest and passionate sexual experiences I've had with women actually started off with some type of bastard mix of attraction and rejection, seduction and suspicion and even the occasional insult. I've seen self-demeaning humor work. I've seen so many things work that shouldn't work that it's almost an anomaly.
So what's the point to all of this? Many of the reasons guys have a problem with approaching women, problems with thinking of something to say and problems with fear in general is because of the ideology of perfection. They often freeze up and shut down because they have horrid visions of a pick up falling apart, perhaps because he said the wrong thing. It should be no surprise at all that these same guys often find themselves in platonic-land with women far too often. Coincidence?
What many of these guys have yet to experience is that imperfection is the catalyst to dynamic interaction and not just failure, and it is this dynamic quality that eventually leads to sex. Take the concept of a "neg hit" for example. This wasn't some theory a bunch of geeky psychologists in lab coats cooked up in a lecture hall. It more than likely started off with one poor guy who just said the wrong thing to a woman...and it worked! So he tried it again and it usually got him good results. He tells a friend who tells another friend and next thing you know it it's in every introductory seduction 101 article. Imagine how many other "techniques" would never have been discovered if every man always managed to say and do the right thing, never making a mistake and never traveling off of the beaten path. Imagine how many women would be bored to tears by men.
What many of these fearful, blank minded men only need to understand is that it is NOT their own mistakes and imperfections in their approach that are the reason they are striking out with women. It is that they are revealing these imperfections in uncomfortably pathetic, needy and/or goofy ways. That's it. That's usually the difference between an approach that turns out to be an utterly humiliating and embarrassing failure that scares us into standing in the corner like a shy chump and one that is at best productive and at worst simply doesn't work out.
So how do we avoid being pathetic, needy and goofy? The best way to do this is to completely pull the plug on the importance of the approach itself. After all, if we don't hinge so much hope and happiness on one act, we're more likely to treat it as just another usual, casual thing we do. We'll be cooler and calmer in doing it. Few of us go clubbing or to the pubs thinking, "I''m going to find me a wife", right? We don't go out with such high stakes in mind. We just go to hopefully get some ass. Being bachelors, we already understand that relationships don't always work out. In fact, every relationship we've been is hasn't worked out, which is precisely why we are still bachelors. Forget for a second all about the approach. That super-hottie at the end of the bar is single for the very same reason you're single: both of you have been in relationships that didn't work out. Our weakness is that we fail to see the obvious: that she's single because she has failed with men just as much as you may have with women. So instead of realizing that all we're doing when we approach a woman is opening up ourselves up as someone who is interested in discovering the reasons why she is still single, we instead think we have to win her approval so that our very own reasons for still being single are invalid. Not true. Just a bad dream. So we get nervous waiting on the verdict. We sweat over what the jury is thinking because our own validation, our worth hinges on it. We never realize the playing field is always even. That she needs the same type of validation.
The bottom line here is that in most cases men who fail with women are often handing over a certain power to a person that never really asked to have it. It's like handing someone your balls as you challenge them to a fight.
For a long time I racked my brain trying to figure out what their secret was, and when it finally hit me it was so simple. This little secret is almost fail proof, and when you apply it, I dare say it's almost a guarantee that you can have the same type of relationship with every girl you will ever find attractive for the rest of your life. So what is this earth shattering, revolutionary secret? Justin and Jessica weren't having sex. They were platonic friends.
Looking back on every relationship I've had, I realized that they all had one thing in common: They were dynamic and in many ways unpredictable. There were always arguments, warm moments and moments of suspicion. There was fun, heartbreak, on going jokes and annoying habits. There was hot sex and cold stares. I've heard everything from "I love you" to "You need fvcking therapy".
I was curious to know if there was anything else I've always thought could be flawless and wonderful, but realistically will probably never be perfect. I began to revisit many of the approaches I've done, and I realized here too were signs of a dynamic, imperfect, symphony of fun, suspicion, jokes, cold stares and warm moments. Here too I've heard everything from "You're sexy" to "Leave me the fvck alone".
What it all boiled down to was that every approach is just like a mini-relationship. It's not supposed to be perfect...that is, if sex is to eventually be included in the deal. Oh sure, I've had approaches that seemed perfect to me at the time. I was kind, caring, chivalrous, sweet and cute enough to get a warm smile. I said the nicest things and was able to make a woman feel very comfortable and free of suspicion. And what happened? They all turned into platonic friendships, if I was even that lucky. Believe it or not, some of the hottest and passionate sexual experiences I've had with women actually started off with some type of bastard mix of attraction and rejection, seduction and suspicion and even the occasional insult. I've seen self-demeaning humor work. I've seen so many things work that shouldn't work that it's almost an anomaly.
So what's the point to all of this? Many of the reasons guys have a problem with approaching women, problems with thinking of something to say and problems with fear in general is because of the ideology of perfection. They often freeze up and shut down because they have horrid visions of a pick up falling apart, perhaps because he said the wrong thing. It should be no surprise at all that these same guys often find themselves in platonic-land with women far too often. Coincidence?
What many of these guys have yet to experience is that imperfection is the catalyst to dynamic interaction and not just failure, and it is this dynamic quality that eventually leads to sex. Take the concept of a "neg hit" for example. This wasn't some theory a bunch of geeky psychologists in lab coats cooked up in a lecture hall. It more than likely started off with one poor guy who just said the wrong thing to a woman...and it worked! So he tried it again and it usually got him good results. He tells a friend who tells another friend and next thing you know it it's in every introductory seduction 101 article. Imagine how many other "techniques" would never have been discovered if every man always managed to say and do the right thing, never making a mistake and never traveling off of the beaten path. Imagine how many women would be bored to tears by men.
What many of these fearful, blank minded men only need to understand is that it is NOT their own mistakes and imperfections in their approach that are the reason they are striking out with women. It is that they are revealing these imperfections in uncomfortably pathetic, needy and/or goofy ways. That's it. That's usually the difference between an approach that turns out to be an utterly humiliating and embarrassing failure that scares us into standing in the corner like a shy chump and one that is at best productive and at worst simply doesn't work out.
So how do we avoid being pathetic, needy and goofy? The best way to do this is to completely pull the plug on the importance of the approach itself. After all, if we don't hinge so much hope and happiness on one act, we're more likely to treat it as just another usual, casual thing we do. We'll be cooler and calmer in doing it. Few of us go clubbing or to the pubs thinking, "I''m going to find me a wife", right? We don't go out with such high stakes in mind. We just go to hopefully get some ass. Being bachelors, we already understand that relationships don't always work out. In fact, every relationship we've been is hasn't worked out, which is precisely why we are still bachelors. Forget for a second all about the approach. That super-hottie at the end of the bar is single for the very same reason you're single: both of you have been in relationships that didn't work out. Our weakness is that we fail to see the obvious: that she's single because she has failed with men just as much as you may have with women. So instead of realizing that all we're doing when we approach a woman is opening up ourselves up as someone who is interested in discovering the reasons why she is still single, we instead think we have to win her approval so that our very own reasons for still being single are invalid. Not true. Just a bad dream. So we get nervous waiting on the verdict. We sweat over what the jury is thinking because our own validation, our worth hinges on it. We never realize the playing field is always even. That she needs the same type of validation.
The bottom line here is that in most cases men who fail with women are often handing over a certain power to a person that never really asked to have it. It's like handing someone your balls as you challenge them to a fight.