you tolerate games?

[chancer]

The ladies are always playing games with me, and friends say that i'm strict. Guess they mean i don't tolerate them much. If a girl doesn't try to make things work (dates or just hooking up) after the first call, i pretty much just drop the whole thing. And i found myself dealing with some girl i went out with for like a month. Treated her games with the same as all of new ones. They can only put so much on me, then i ****ing say NEXT! lol. Anyway, this is some very vague stuff. You guys tolerate games much?

 

[violator]

Good attitude. I like your style...Show them your no pushover

 

[Zircon]

Ever since my one-itis crush (and subsequent crash ), I take a very hard line with women. I don't tolerate ANY flakiness, and for me in general it is simply a HUGE turnoff. Once it has happened (the GAME) I am not really interested anymore.

Problem is, I'm not sure if I'm being too strict about it. Like chancer they pretty much have one chance and that's it. But like many of of you have experienced, quite often they come running back when they see the "Real deal".

I am not for taking a woman back after games. I had a lot of head bashing re my one-itis. I KNEW that she would not come running back, but I also had to decide whether I would EVER allow her back in my life. I have decided that she will NEVER be part of my life again.

So it is in more subtle terms that I deal with women currently. I don't really see the use of taking her back after her game playing because there is no trust, and ultimately no fun in it. Problem is I think I have nexted some girls for doing something most ppl would let past.

So in essence you are protecting your heart, but you are closing yourself off to possibilities. I suppose I am still overly sensitive regarding this topic because of my experience.

So here is another question - do you take her back after she's CONSCIOUSLY played you? Do you have any pride and honour if you do? Or is this just another moral topipc which means fvck all anyway?

 

[bp1974]

Listen to your gut..

..or in more touchy feely terms, 'respect your feelings'. ie, if you feel like you're being played then chances are you're being played, and pretending that you don't mind just so you can still have sex will only lead you into a miserable relationship, which will make the sex pretty crappy too.

Different people have different tolerances, so what feels like being played to you may be ok to another guy, but WHO CARES? If what the girl you're with is doing is making you feel bad, then you've got to let her know one way or another, or she'll never stop. Why should she? There's no standard list of behaviour that you can point to and say "Well, if she does this then I'll call her on it coz it says here that I'm being played". If it feels bad to you, then it is bad (for you). If taking her back when she's played you makes you feel bad, don't do it. If it makes you feel good, do it. But if you are going to take her back, make sure she's clear that you don't like how she treated you and you won't tolerate it in the future. You might be seen as unreasonable, you might not, it depends on her. Either way if you're going to work well together as a couple you have to tell her when she oversteps your marks ("intrudes on your boundaries"). Compromise comes later.

bp1974

 

[Zircon]

Yep that makes sense...

BUT...It is a FACT that 95% of women will test you at some stage. Now as I said, when I get tested, my attitude immediately is one of "get the fvck outta my sight biatch".

See where I'm goin with this? I think I may be missing out on a LOT simply because of my strict "rules". An understandable "anti-AFC" reaction to having been played for a long time and then suddenly smelling the coffee. I'm back to square 1 at the mo...fvck I hate this sh1t.

 

[bp1974]

anti-AFC backlash

It's true that we can react strongly when we feel like we're being played. That's different to being tested though. If it's at the beginning stages, and she's acting hard to get or whatever, then how you act should depend on how much you want her. If you're not bothered, then move on. If you are bothered, I guess you have to ask yourself how much of this are you prepared to tolerate in order to get with her? To me, if a woman plays these games right at the start it's a sign of immaturity and insecurity. Both of these are a big turnoff to me - if a woman feels I need to prove I am worthy of dating her, I won't want to date her. But that's just me.
It's a bit different when you start to encounter tests further down the line, but the answer is the same - go with your gut feeling. HOWEVER, the point you're making (zircon) about you being too strict isn't about knowing she's testing you, it's about how you react to her tests. If she has, say, mentioned that 'That guy over there is really HOT', then "Get out my life bytch now!!" is an extreme reaction. If on the otherhand she's sucked your best mate's d*ck then it's a reasonable thing to say.

So if every test she gives you, from the little ones to the biggies, makes you want to kick her out of the door, you need to start looking at why these things make you so angry, and deal with that. Chances are, they remind you of a similar situation in the past when you got hurt or whatever, so now you have that extreme reaction to all of her tests, no matter how trivial they are.

As always, the best answer for you is inside you.

bp1974

 

[Zircon]

Well, I am in reality pretty flexible. If she says "hey look at that hottie", I'll ignore it, or just do the same to her. BUT, if she does it repeatedly (more than 2, maybe 3 times) that's it. I'll be tested but I'm not gonna have her "lift my skirt" every 2 minutes to check whether I have balls or not.

Same thing with every day situations. It pisses me off when you are judged on a SINGLE and small decision eg "hmmmm, ok, he paid for me this time, that means he's a CHUMP!". See what I'm getting at?

My problem is with the tests, because most of them are inanely trivial, and seem to have such a big impact on a supposed adult relationship. I cannot get over that. Or maybe I have just read too many examples in the forum lately of "chumps" being played?

My last test was being stood up. It was blatant, and she knows it, and it looks like she got a thrill out of it. Now, in this case my attitude in fact IS ONE of "get tha fvck outta my life biatch".

Is this too strong? Some guys would just ignore it and keep tryin 2 weeks later. Other guys would wait for her to come to them and then lay her. I, on the other hand see this as someone that I would not trust, and thus do not want to have in my life. Additionally, I also have my pride and honour which is worth more than her.

Is this example excessive in your books? Am I being too harsh? If she came running back to you, being the HB9.5 she is, would you (possibly) trade in your pride, go for it again (possibly being played again), or would she be out of your life for ever?

 

[bp1974]

Being stood up..

Is being stood up a test, or a sign of her flakiness? I'll say straight out, I don't like flaky girls. My last g/f was like that. She tested me in lots of ways, but she was also flaky as hell.

The only way you could know which it is, if this is a new girl, is to make another date with her. Whether she calls you or you call her or whatever doesn't really matter, I'd say get her to say sorry, give her one more chance and see what she does, you've got nothing to lose other than 20 minutes stood waiting for her. If she does it again, or cancels on you, then to my mind she's being flaky, and you should forget it unless you want a really flaky relationship. However, if you've been with this girl for a while and she's standing you up or cancelling on you last minute, then you've got a problem! I don't think being stood up by your g/f is a test, it's a sign of disrespect. Right now it sounds like she's doormatting you either to see what you do or just because she couldn't care less. Either way, the only way to get her respect and interest back is to tell her that if it happens again she's history. Don't get too mad though, just calmly say that you don't like being stood up and you don't want it happening again. If it happens again even after you've said that, you should end it.

bp1974

 

[bp1974]

Also..

..It sounds like you're not being too clear about the little inane everyday tests with her. If she's repeating the same test/flaky behaviour over and over again, then to my mind she must think that she's getting away with it. The only way she can be thinking that is if you've not made it completely clear to her that she's not. So, I guess, she is. Or at least she believes she is, which is the same thing for our purposes. Somehow, you've managed to reinforce her behaviour rather than get rid of it.

No-one wants to sound petty and weak by constantly picking up on every little thing she does that annoys you, but that's missing the main item which is that if she's doing lots of things that annoy you day-to-day then somehow you've let it get to this stage. Sure, next her at this point if that's your thing, but it sounds like this is happening to you quite a lot (guessing here..), so isn't the real question, what do you do at the beginning stages that let's the girl you're with get into the habit of doing lots of annoying things?

bp1974

 

[griffin_mill]

Originally posted by chancer
You guys tolerate games much?

A girl could be playing hard-to-get, or "playing it cool". If you misread these signs as disinterest and NEXT her then you've just shot yourself in the foot.

"Games" are sometimes her not being interested while you hang about hoping for flakes of attention and analysing every flicker of receptiveness from her.

Don't tolerate games by playing some of your own. If she likes you things will all fall into place, believe me.

 

[chancer]

do you take her back after she's CONSCIOUSLY played you?
LOL, hell no. If I do come back after she's played me once, I'm gonna confronter her about it. She does it again, then that's it.

Do you have any pride and honour if you do?
If I happen to take her back, i wouldn't expect much out of the whole thing. I'd just go for the ****. But if I liked her :/ and I did this, i'd lose my pride and honor. I definitely wouldn't go back after her.

Or is this just another moral topipc which means fvck all anyway?
Nah, not a moral topic, you hit it on the nose. I relate to you reply well.

Good sh!t guys.

 

[Zircon]

bp1974,

No at the moment I'm not dating anyone. I have other things that are keeping me busy and I have no inclination nor time to dedicate to "frivolous activities" such as dating

THe reason I am asking is because I have been "played" on several levels before. Not only women, but ppl in general. It is probably the thing I hate the most about life, because I personally find it almost impossible to play someone because that is simply the way I am. I am slowly changing though and I think it's for the better.

Additionally, I see a LOT of ppl on this board coming up with similar situations - really about women "playing the game" (which is ok becasue it's life) and women playing you - which is unacceptable.

I have not been played in a long time. THere have been some attempts which I have stopped dead in the tracks. But as I have told you, once I sense there is an undercurrent of distrust, it is really over for me. This is because of past experiences that I will not put up with any of that sh1t. And in the process, I think I'm weeding out some chicks who MIGHT be worth it, they are simply playing the GAME (which they are entitled to, to a certain extent). It is becoming virtually impossible for me to distinguish between the game and being played.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Loosen up. There are games and then there are games. Use a little discretion.

I hear you, though. If people--men, women, the family pet--played you before, you have to do a fair amount of restructuring of yourself on many levels so that you become different, you know yourself differently, people recognize you're different and treat you accordingly. 'stuff takes time to do and it comes in stages.

So you're hypersensitive to games. Good. This is training your radar. So far all games appear the same and you have one, maybe two responses. One response is 'next'. The other is giving a stern warning and putting them on permanent probation.

Personally, I think giving them a last cigarette before standing them up against a wall and shooting them at dawn is the only response you need

Anyway, seriously, you'll get out of this stage by degrees. You'll notice people taking you differently at work, at home, at the corner store, etc. In time the games will come less frequently and your focus will drop off.

And then, when a test does come, you'll smile inside and play it back more skillfully than they do.

I think you're a little overly sensitive to percieving everything as a test. That's naturall. When you've advanced, this will go away. And then you'll realize that you are always assessing those around you just as they are assessing you. Once you become more of a man, or a DJ (use your own term here) people assess that and don't really need to use a test.

 

[Zircon]

yeah maybe what I'm sayin is the last little scream from the AFC that I used to be.

Overly sensitive? yes. I would have to agree on that one. I don't need to blame anyone, (as a man I have only myself to blame right?) but my strict moral upbringing has put me at a significant disadvantage when it comes to dealing with things such as this. But now I know so no complaints there.

Sounds childish (girlish even) but to me this loss of innocence is kinda sad. I used to really believe in the good of ppl but no, not anymore.

"Personally, I think giving them a last cigarette before standing them up against a wall and shooting them at dawn is the only response you need"

ok. Decipher please

"And then, when a test does come, you'll smile inside and play it back more skillfully than they do."

hehehe - funny thing is, to be honest, I always DID see the games. I just did not want to play them because I thought it is really lame childish and pride diminishing. But hey, if that's the way it is? I'll play, and I'll play hard.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by Zircon
"Personally, I think giving them a last cigarette before standing them up against a wall and shooting them at dawn is the only response you need"

ok. Decipher please

My weird sense of humor that tends to run over the top at times. I'm saying "sure, next 'em, by shooting them at dawn..." (friendly sarcasm...)

Anyway, by way of background--(it's a bad idea to explain jokes, which shows how well it worked, huh?)

Standing them up against the wall at dawn, giving a last cigarette and recording the last words before shooting them is the old way of executing someone--not sure if it ever happened, but Hollywood glommed onto it and in movies from the 1930's-1950's you'd occasionally see the intrepid hero in such a situation before getting rescued by the calvary, or a fair lady, or whatever. Then it became a cliche' and a joke---except in Breaker Morant, which is a great movie you should check out.

 

[Zircon]

yeah I got it...was just wondering whether there was a "Deeper" meaning behind the sarcasm

 

[chancer]

Opps... my bad... Meant to start a new post.

 

[B9]

I have very low tolerance on such matters, but don't just next them over it unless it is obvious it is a character trait or something they take real pleasure in.

I let them know clearly that I am not having that and if they don't follow suit from there, obviously, they lose.