you must love yourself

[Interceptor]

That's why I said humility was important, and THAT is part of the difference with self love vs putting the blinders on. Loving yourself unconditionally doesn't mean stop growing. It means that you love yourself, even if you are ugly and broke, for whatever reason there is to love yourself. For instance, I LOVE the way I think, and the way my mind works. I love my ability to laugh at the world around me even when sh!t is hitting the fan. This love is enough to get me through times when I am broke, or friendless, or loveless, or my life seems like sh!t. It is also what drives me to change for the better.

Now if I was prancing around singing I am the SH!T no matter what, and not doing anything to GROW, then one might begin to worry that I had the blinders on.

Many things happen to you in life solely due to the way you look at things. That is part of what I was trying to get across in the people are good post.

Another way to look at it, life is SHORT. Why spend it being miserable? Everyone has the power to improve, or change, their life. WHY be hung up on stupid sh!t? Why???

Do you really believe that you have NOTHING going for yourself? Or is it just a bad time? Because everyone has those bad times. I have times when I just feel like life SUCKS and there is NOTHING I can do about it. During those times, I hibernate. I take some ME time. During this time I read a lot. I feel like reading has helped me to define life. There is a lot to be learned from stories. Perspective, mainly. Basically when my life seems like crap, I transplant myself into different worlds, and I do usually come away with something. This is an alternative to traveling, if you are broke.

Iqqi, this is one of the best things you have ever shared with us.

This is the Iqqi I like.
:yes:
Self Love and Self WORSHIP are two very different things.
And some people feel they are not worth their own Love.
And some people feel they are entitled to MORE than their fair share.



Good insight, Iq.

 

[Gerard-890]

Yeah but IqqI, squirrels, and some others, you guys are correct that a life without a focus on growth, accomplishment, and goals is a life pretty much waste-less.

Squirrels I have also seen a lot of the post on sosuave that are focused on the "it's okay not to focus on growth but just you're good where you are" mentality.

But you have to sit back and take a look at the area and topic in question, instead of the overall picture.

1.) For a complete and successful life all around, the focus and determination on growth in all areas is essential. To be successful in money, health, etc.

However, this is not a requirement for the seduction, maintainment, and love of a woman.

It's where the "Looks Matter" crowd, "Money Matter" crowd, and "Just have Inner Game" crowd, have disagreements. Because as a life purpose, one should focus on looking the best they can, obtaining a better career, having great health, being a success, but the "Inner Game" crowd understands the fact that you can have women without those things.

And for the simple reason that you can obtain and hot and quality chick without looks, money, and a great life, makes one conclude that women don't truly CARE about those things in the first place.

It's why the debates go on for days around Sosuave between the "Looks, Money, and Status Matter" crowds and the "Inner Game is All You Need" crowds.

The actual truth is the fact that:

1.) Women value an exciting guy over a provider.
2.) Women will sleep with an exciting guy before a total provider.
3.) Women will be in a relationship with a provider, but still have sex with the exciting guy.

The optimal goal we should ALL HAVE, is to be the complete man.

The Provider- Great looks, great status, great money, great stability.
The Exciting Guy- Open, ****y, confidence, funny, exciting, risk-taking, "crazy guy"

When you can put both things together, what you have is a woman who is sexually excited by you consistently, combined with seeing you as someone that can be in a "serious" relationship with.

It's rare that you find both in one male.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

I have found that LACK of self-reflection is the hallmark of the immature man.

My view of love is that although it has a strong element of self-acceptance, this element is NOT at the expense of a desire to BETTER yourself as you continue to live. There is an aspect of love that includes forgiveness, but that sense of forgiveness is not given to us as a "license" to CONTINUE ON onto paths of full of negativity, futility, or apathetic "sameness".

In my experience, the self-acceptance and self-forgiving aspects of LOVE have provided me with a comfort, a courage, and an INSPIRATION "to change". And THAT, for the better...

Spiritual/Tactical Officer INTERCEPTOR has started a thread over in the Tips section that deals with some parralel themes. I suggest you check it out. This is what I contributed to his thread over there, but I'm posting it here as well.

Because much of it does apply to the concerns that JOEKERR has brought to the table, and subesquently addressed:


It is my belief and EXPERIENCE that perfected (mature or fully developed) "LOVE" drives out all forms of FEAR from my life.

The fear that I'm referring to specifically is the FEAR OF SELF-REALIZATION. So many guys on here, and in "real life" spend so much time learning tricks and gimmicks that it DISTRACTS them from discovering, understanding, and appreciating who THEY are.

You see, it's easier for them to be Mystery, Gunwitch, David D., or ANYBODY ELSE, rather than being who THEY are. When a man has discovered who he is, assessed his strengths, committed to work on, minimize, or eradicate his weaknesses-----THEN build upon the things about himself that are WORTH building upon-------THEN it'll finally be "safe" for him to follow that age old advice that people back in the real world always tell guys:

JUST BE YOURSELF.

BUT...until he really does do ALL of the things I've just mentioned, it'll NEVER be safe for him to just be himself. Because WHO he is at that point of time in his life is NOT a good thing "to be".

Or in other words:

Many men (and people in general) don't really LIKE themselves---let alone LOVE themselves. So the FEAR comes in when a man finally realizes MAXIMIZING "who" he is will come at a price.

And the price he pays is the internal AND external resistance he will face when he embarks on ANY journey of SERIOUS self improvement or self development. And Knowing that it WILL be a fight, causes some men to become uncomfortable. And that uncomfortability breeds FEAR.

And to THOSE men, nothing is scarier than facing the TRUTH about themselves-----especially the less than perfect, or downright flawed parts. It takes GUTS to do that kind of internal work.

Because it's always easier to say:
"Aww shyt! I just tried DJ Tactic number 623...and it DIDN'T work!"

But it's much MORE difficult for most men to admit to themselves:
"Aww shyt! Who I am RIGHT NOW-----the kind of man I am RIGHT NOW...ISN'T working!"

I've found that most things/goals/etc. in my life that are worth obtaining, come with at least some sized wall of FEAR blocking the way. And having the balls to bust through that wall is what makes the difference between becoming more of a MAN, as opposed to remaining an underdeveloped little boy.

 

[mrRuckus]

Do you realize that NOT ALL Women will find you attractive? And, many women may find you ATTRACTIVE, but will not be INTERESTED in you?

Lol. This will sound pompous, but so is calling people AFC but anyway... I go through life looking down on most women since i figure they're too dumb to even understand me at all. I don't blame them for not being attracted to me. I feel bad for them a bit as they take their mediocre selves to seek out medicore men, but it's hardly my fault or a reason to blame myself for not being "good enough." Even the best artworks not everyone likes. Some are too stupid or too shallow to appreciate a real piece of art... and some might appreciate the art but just not like it. The sistine chapel... holy crap i can't even draw beyond stick figures so i'm blown away but am i into that stuff? Nope.

Ever sit down and have a discussion about hopes and dreams and ideas of love with a woman? The woman will either stare at you stupidly and have no idea of things larger than the moment OR will be completely fascinated and totally start to dig and vibe with you and be like wooohoooo a guy who gets it! Most are the types who can't think beyond the tips of their noses and won't get us "bigger thinkers" but it's their damn loss. I'm not going to act another way or dumb myself down so that i'm more normal and acceptable to them. I'll just enjoy life with the much better female bigger thinkers.

I am quite a different thinker than most.. i act different than most.. i am interested in different hobbies and subjects than most... it throws off a lot of people who blow me off as "weird" but it pulls in a whole lot of other people (albeit a smaller subset of people) who find me interesting. Can't win everybody.


---

A lot of confidence you see around is false confidence. You must know very confident people who are more or less inept in life, don't you? Yet since the same ineptitude that makes them suck makes them poor at self examinination and determination of skill, they just assume they're awesome, and walk around confident.

This confidence sh1t is an illusion. I'm less confident than the guy next to me because i'm more aware of my limitations rather than the typical dude walking around thinking "i can kick everyone's ass!" No you can't, retard.

But fortune favors the bold, no? Need confidence to approach women? Not really. Just need to override the fear and do it anyway. Poorer and uglier people than you have gotten pretty girls.

 

[joekerr31]

i love how people sometimes think that self love somehow involves lack of growth (or embracing apathy). the opposite couldn't be more true.

whether you realize it or not, it is in your nature to grow. its actually lack of self love that trips you up and blinds you to reality and you find yourself in dysfunctional relationships, jobs you hate, etc.

self love will not inhibit your growth process. its your nature to grow. its your nature to be curious and explore the world, to keep trying new things, to experience life to the fullest.

its your nature to want to eat right and exercise and be fit. its your nature to want to become better at something. its your nature to want to socialize.

its actually lack of self love, and the resulting negative emotions associated with such, that detract from your ability to enjoy life.

when you lack self love (and most people do), its like carrying around a 100 pound back pack on your back. it slows you down. but when you possess self love, you are still engaged in life, still doing all the things you did before, but without that 100 pounds on your back.

self love is unconditional acceptance of yourself. but having unconditional acceptance is different than never assessing who you are. when your dog sh*ts ont he carpet you get upset, and then you have to teach him to not do that anymore - but at no point do you ever stop loving your dog.

you should treat yourself the same way. now and then in life you are going to sh*t on the carpet. and after you do you need to fix that. but at no point should you ever stop loving yourself.

we see guys on here who mess up with a woman and become damn near suicidal. they can't eat, they can't sleep, they are crying, etc.

they are basically killing themselves because they sh*t on the carpet. they have no self love.

in life there are going to be ups and downs. sometimes youll be successful, sometimes you are going to screw up royally. sometimes youll meet great people, sometimes youll be betrayed. but in spite of all this you must learn to love yourself and then continue to do so through out life.

 

[reset]

we see guys on here who mess up with a woman and become damn near suicidal. they can't eat, they can't sleep, they are crying, etc.

they are basically killing themselves because they sh*t on the carpet. they have no self love.

Yeah I'm starting to come out of that myself, what I have done for years is just beat myself up, like "reset you read all this stuff on so suave on how to not sucked into a womans world and you did it ANYWAY!" as if I expect myself to be totally perfect, all the time. How can you grow without making mistakes along the way?

Basically, if you think the absence or loss of a girl makes life unbearable, I believe your "higher self" is saying "this hurts for a reason--do something about it."

(and not necessarily, "go sarge!")

 

[STR8UP]

I see merit in both sides of this discussion.

There is great benefit in putting a positive spin on things. On the other hand, squirrels always throws in a healthy dose of reality and I see his point.

I don't buy the idea that self love is the same as self confidence, or that love for yourself is all you need in life or all you need in order to have confidence.

What is the baseline? How would we all feel about ourselves without social influence? Would we be neutral? Probably. Which means that loving yourself and hating yourself would be states that are not "natural". Maybe healthy people would lean toward self love, and anyone who sees themselves on the other side might be the opposite.

But to say that "all you need is to love yourself"....well, although I don't think it is nearly as bad as hating yourself, at the same time I don't believe it's totally healthy to love yourself unconditionally either.

 

[Gerard-890]

Str8up, great summary, but I believe that what we need to look at is the fact of the matter of:

Loving yourself v.s. Trying to be Better

We all have flaws and things that we need to be working on to make us better, but the problem is when you HATE yourself or have low self-esteem BECAUSE of those flaws, instead of just meeting them head on and eliminating them one by one.

Low self esteem is the basis of depression, clingy-ness, lack of sexual energy, lack of life purpose, lack of excitement, and all of those other internal mental processes that manifest an external behavior of a man that is neither attractive nor desireable to be around.

We have to accept and love ourselves for who we are right NOW, regardless of all the flaws we have and all the things that we can IMPROVE. This will only give us an Internal Self-esteem that will produce internal joy, peace, happiness, life excitement, comfortable with being sexual, and all of those other things that give a man self-esteem and produce the external behaviors that make him attractive and desirable to women and others.

This DOES NOT mean, that we shouldn't have listed our flaws and be working extra hard to address them and eliminate them and be a BETTER man this year, this month, this week, today, then I was yesterday. Everybody should be doing that.

But we'll never be perfect, somethings we'll work toward and never achieve, some "visions" of ourselves will work towards achieving but never obtain.

We can't let our self-esteem be tied up into "How good I am" or "How great I will be."

You must allow your self-esteem to just be tied up into the basis of all things, like just being able to walk, breathe, and function as a regular human being.

You have self-esteem and internal love for yourself and others, only then can you get it back from the world and women.

Fact is many guys don't have that internal self-esteem because they aren't "Good looking enough YET," "making enough money YET," "driving the best car YET," "with great status YET," or a number of things. In their minds, when I obtain those things THEN will I have self-esteem.

Women aren't perfect, who gave you the requirement to be?

 

[Doc73]

I know its probably been AGES since I last posted here, but I almost feel obligated to since there are times that I admittingly have problems in this area.

My question is, how do you guys deal with the periods when you do not love yourself as much as you should? With me, I seem to go to extremes, between unconditionally loving myself, and believing I am nothing, was nothing, and will continue to be nothing.

Great post and responses BTW.

 

[iqqi]

I know its probably been AGES since I last posted here, but I almost feel obligated to since there are times that I admittingly have problems in this area.

My question is, how do you guys deal with the periods when you do not love yourself as much as you should? With me, I seem to go to extremes, between unconditionally loving myself, and believing I am nothing, was nothing, and will continue to be nothing.

Great post and responses BTW.

Read my last response, last paragraph. Top of this page.

 

[Gerard-890]

Doc73 let me tell you what I do.

You see, when I have periods of where I look at myself and start to feel "down" about not loving myself, how I am a failure in this particular area, that paritcular area, how I missed up this or that, how I don't have this or that, how this other person is so much better than me, etc.

You know what I do?

I appreciate what I do have.

I take a look at my successed I accomplished (even if they are little), I take a look at my present situation and write down the great things I do have, even if they are things I normally take for granted ( like air, life, breathing, being able to walk, talk, see, hear, having food, having shelter, having my own place, having clothes, having a computer, having a TV, having a car).

I look at those things and think about the people who don't have those basic things, I think about how they must "feel" to not experience the value I take for granted everyday.

I think about these things and I begin to become "happy" with what I already have, "satifised" of some sorts. This doesn't mean that I stop trying to achieve more and go higher, it's just that I have internal peace and joy knowing that I have all of my basics, there are millions of people around the world who don't have just the basic of things.

As I sort of hit on earlier, we take for granted the great things we DO HAVE, and don't appreciate them and be PROUD of yourselves for having those things.

We are always looking to have a better body, a better car, more money, and I'm not saying not to strive to have that, but just don't be so unapprecitive of the blessings you already got.

- Do you know how many people didn't walk up this morning?

- How many people are in prison for things they didn't do and don't even have the BASIC freedom that you have to go whereever they want?

- Do you know how many people had to walk to where they had to go today? While you drove.

I mean, we are already WINNERS! We should start having a high amount of self-esteem and see ourselves as such, of course there's a million of things we don't have, but what about the stuff we do have? :cheer:

 

[reset]

How many people are in prison for things they didn't do and don't even have the BASIC freedom that you have to go whereever they want?

I think about this sometimes, there are people trapped in jail and all they probably do is think of the things they wish they could do "outside", yet all of us are here with total freedom to come and go as we please, make our own choices, choose what to do for a living, choose who to be friends with, choose who to date... yet some of us feel like we are in that prison and don't have those options. I have felt that way, but if you actually think of all the abundance in the world, and all the OPTIONS you have in life (women being probably the least important of them all imo) it can almost be OVERWHELMING. It's a big responsiblity to take control of who you are and how you feel. That's why the clearer you are about what you want from life, and the better you feel about yourself, the greater your chances of bravely going out in the world and exploring life.

 

[feelingloved]

One thing that was symptomatic of the end of my pain & distress over my x ... was that I developed a self love that eclipsed my pride. My pride was wounded. I've worked hard on improving some areas, and the pride is rebuilt to a moderate degree.

But I became so consumed with my story, my epic tale. I became a sorrowful observer of my own tale, and developed a deep empathy for my own character. Feeling his loss and self pity, watching his plodding steps past small victories and hurdles, I fell in love with the character of "me".
It was kind of a duality of awarness. Feeling sorry for myself, ...then "as an observer" feeling love for "the person I watched feeling sorry for himself".

I guess some accused me of enjoying the process of self wallowing. It lead me to "self" realization, and "self" appreciation, in a higher awareness kind of way.

It was a self love, not in a first person prideful kind of way. Its a self love, in a third person sympathetic, charmed and admiring kind of way.

Is that clear?

 

[Stavrogin]

This is a slight variation on what Squirrels posted earlier. If you like yourself and think you have a lot to offer women, what are you supposed to do if you're just not attractive and don't have a bank account to make up for it? It's becoming obvious to me as I approach 30 that the reason I still haven't had a girlfriend is that I'm unattractive. The DJ gospel just hasn't worked for me.

 

[joekerr31]

I know its probably been AGES since I last posted here, but I almost feel obligated to since there are times that I admittingly have problems in this area.

My question is, how do you guys deal with the periods when you do not love yourself as much as you should? With me, I seem to go to extremes, between unconditionally loving myself, and believing I am nothing, was nothing, and will continue to be nothing.

Great post and responses BTW.

lets say that you were nothing, are nothing and will be nothing. i dont see why you still couldn't love yourself.

i mean, if you have a pet dog it was, is and will be nothing by our human standards. and yet many people have such an outpouring of love towards their pets that its crazy.

loving yourself must be unconditional. one must love themselves as much (if not more) when they are at the base of the mountain as when they are at the peak.

 

[aliasguy]

------

 

[Adam007]

At its core, loving yourself simply means believing in your own essential worthiness. It is nurturing a healthy sense of positive self-regard and knowing in your heart that you are a valuable link in the universal chain. Loving yourself also means actively caring for every facet of yourself. It shows up in every action you take, from putting on a sweater to protect yourself from a chill to leaving a job that does not fulfill you. It means tuning in to your own wants and needs and honoring them the exact same way you want your partner to attend to you.........

Not everyone grows up to have an innate sense of high self-esteem or worthiness. In fact, most of us need to work at it to some degree throughout our lifetimes. Each person feels insufficient in one or more areas, whether physical, intellectual, financial, or in interpersonal dynamics, emotional maturity, or spiritual growth. However, respecting, nurturing, honoring, and cherishing yourself is your birthright and something you can learn.

Loving yourself is the best way to learn how to love. Love is an action that requires certain understandings, skills, and capacities. By practicing loving with yourself, you train yourself to advance to the next level-loving another.

Only when you have successfully mastered taking care of your own needs can you know how to extend that same attention to others. When you respect the validity of your own thoughts and feelings, you can apply that consideration to others. When you believe within yourself how valuable you are, you can then bestow authentic affection on a partner.

If your objective is to play the game of love to win, then learning self-love is the first step you must take. Before you can roll the dice or even place your playing piece on the board, you need to tap into the inner reaches of your heart and soul and discover all that you are worth.

 

[LovelyLady]

bump

 

[LovelyLady]

bumping again - I like this thread

 

[Heretolearn]

thank you