backbreaker
Master Don Juan
???
You guys want to hear a funny/f'ed up story?
- Thread starter backbreaker
- Start date
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
I HAVE a story that's funny and ****ed up at the same time, but it's pretty long and I won't bother posting it if you don't want to hear it
Brian20o2
Master Don Juan
:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup: :crackup:
Just post it. If we dont like it it will slowly move down on the list and disapear.
Just post it. If we dont like it it will slowly move down on the list and disapear.
Docs
Banned
Just one condition. It has to be funnier then the compliment mustashe joke. :crackup:
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
okay, here goes..
Well, first I have a confession to make, and I'm man enough to do it... I did something last night that I never thought I would do in my life time...
I went to see a hooker.
What makes it funny is becasue.. I think out of all the hookers in the country.. I met the absolutly worst hooker in america on my first try.
What a first experience, it couldn't have gone any worse.
Well, I was over some friends house... my little cousin, some of his friends, playing spades, drinking, just killing time, becuase it wasn't a damn thing to do.
It just so happens that 2 girls I mess around with are out of town, and one is mad at me for something I did last week, so I was pretty bent up for sex... not as bad as I have ever been, but It was pretty bad.
So, they invite some "girls" over their house. 3 Girls. one of them was BADD and I mean BAD. So being me, and being horny, I start to talk to her.
First I noticed, she was unually agressive to be a woman. I didn't even have to try.
So she comes out and says.. "do you want to **** or what". I'm like "you damn skippy I want to ****, let's go"
So she says, "you gotta pay me first".
Now, I don't pay for *****... but then I put my ego aside and thought agbou tit... okay, she is a hooker.. I have a condom (2) in my pocket.. I wouldn't mind getting inside her, plus I'm in desperate need for some head. Plus I always told myself I would do it once in my life, so **** it I said, what's up.
So she said she would suck and **** for 40. But I didn't want to ****, I just wanted some head. we could have went in the bathroom, 5-10 mintues, bam.. done.
But noooooooooooo
She didn't want to do it in front of her "friends", or with them there, so we had to go back to her place.
Now, i"m not dumb.. so I say "that's the stupiest **** I ever heard.. why leave?" I thought she was 5.0 so I told her to "take off your pants and show me your *****" and she did...
So I'm like okay.. whatever.. i mean, we weren't doing anything anyway, so let's go.
So then she has me stop by this house... I ask for what.. she says she has to "get something she left".
Again, I'm like ***** i don't know you, you could be trying to set me up... So I drop her off, but park all the way down the street because I had no idea what might happen.
Oh, by the way, thoughout this entire story, remember I am pretty much drunk, which I am sure hampered my thought process the entire night
So, she comes back in, and pulls out a dime bag.
Now, I don't smoke... in fact i'm a health nut (besides vodka). Not only does she have weed.. she just pulls out a blunt and starts smokign in my car without asking.
In my NEW car without asking.
In my new car with leather seats, where the smell is still in there now, without asking.
Now, remember.. I'm drunk as it is. I have a hooker in my car, weed... that's pretty much a trifecta for your ass right there.
So I tell her to put the damn blunt out, I dont even smoke in my car.. she has the nerve to tell me to shut the **** up, "she knows what you are doing"
It took every once of self retraint to not slap that ***** silly.
Now, mind you, this is my first time doing this, so I am a little on edge,about the entire thing.
So she takes me to her room, and the entire time, there are people coming knocking on her door. The first time someone came, I made a b line for the car and was goignt o take off but she talked me out of it.
So, about 10 mintues go by, and I chill out, she is doing her thing to get ready, then she has the nerve to ask me to eat her out.
I actually hurt her feelings (is that possible?), by saying "you must have lost your mind, your a tute (short for prositute)
then she got mad and said "you suck"
So I have to remind her.. "if I'm not mistaken I Paid you, i'm s upposed to dictate what happens"
So I start kissing her breasts, not because I want to, remember, I just wanted some head, but because she asked me to.
now, this entire time, she is smoking a big ass blunt right in my face and finering her self for like seriously, 30 mintues, and she can't get wet.
Mind you, like I said, I didnt' want to **** in the first place, just suck my **** and I can go
So, and this is the funny part.. after all this, I hope she didn't think I was going to be.. aroused.. I have never seen my **** so limp in my life. I had things on my mine before I picked her up, I'm already drunk, now I gotta worry about people knocking on the door, she mentions that this guy is looking for her and asks me to not make any noise and **** like that.
I am thinking "damn, isn't your job to at the very least, provide a safe place to nutt?"
I cant' say it enough, if we would have followed my plan, and go behind a building, no problems at all.
So, I finally get the condom on and she is starting to give head.. now I started to calm down.. It wasn't bad head at all.. actually was.. quite good..
for and I am not exagerating...15 seconds... no more than 10 licks, then she told me to put it in. She coudln't even suck it long enough to get my **** hard!
At that point, I knew this wasn't going to work, she had to be the worst ***** in the entire country.
So I try to put it in... now, I'm not SMALL, but I'm not Don Johnson either.. About 5 1/2 inches, ih ave never had any complaints.. my last Ex tells me I am the 2nd smallest guy she has ever been with but she loves giving me head and she has no problem feeling me.. none of my old F buddies have complained either.. get alot of repeat customers
Anyway, the reason I say this is because, she gets in missionary position and bends her knees up by her head... damn woman, just make it impossible for me to put my **** in... Imean, it's already limp because I am thinking about maybe some guy you probably ripped off busting down the door looking for you, but lets make it as hard as possible.
So I get up and tell her i'm sorry but I can't do it. She throws a tantrum "Do what you gotta do, you go **** me!".. "uh.. no i'm not, you can keep the money, but my mind is somewhere else"
So as I am getting dressed, some dude knocks on the door, and he looked pissed off. I look at him and give him a head nod, and walk down to my car.. hell, whatever problems he had, he didn't have them with me, so I got out, I didn't even know the girl's name
She wanted me to take her back to stanton.. I took the **** off and got out of dodge.
To top it all off, I am pretty sure she stole my Kenneth cole watch I had on
She had HBO in her room.. I was more interested in the damn movie on TV.. Troy, then ****ing her.
For like 30 minutes, she just smoked and fingered herself.. I spent more time trying to help her get her off then her getting me off.
That is the last time I every try something like that, but hey, I got a good story out of it and I can say I tried it.
Well, first I have a confession to make, and I'm man enough to do it... I did something last night that I never thought I would do in my life time...
I went to see a hooker.
What makes it funny is becasue.. I think out of all the hookers in the country.. I met the absolutly worst hooker in america on my first try.
What a first experience, it couldn't have gone any worse.
Well, I was over some friends house... my little cousin, some of his friends, playing spades, drinking, just killing time, becuase it wasn't a damn thing to do.
It just so happens that 2 girls I mess around with are out of town, and one is mad at me for something I did last week, so I was pretty bent up for sex... not as bad as I have ever been, but It was pretty bad.
So, they invite some "girls" over their house. 3 Girls. one of them was BADD and I mean BAD. So being me, and being horny, I start to talk to her.
First I noticed, she was unually agressive to be a woman. I didn't even have to try.
So she comes out and says.. "do you want to **** or what". I'm like "you damn skippy I want to ****, let's go"
So she says, "you gotta pay me first".
Now, I don't pay for *****... but then I put my ego aside and thought agbou tit... okay, she is a hooker.. I have a condom (2) in my pocket.. I wouldn't mind getting inside her, plus I'm in desperate need for some head. Plus I always told myself I would do it once in my life, so **** it I said, what's up.
So she said she would suck and **** for 40. But I didn't want to ****, I just wanted some head. we could have went in the bathroom, 5-10 mintues, bam.. done.
But noooooooooooo
She didn't want to do it in front of her "friends", or with them there, so we had to go back to her place.
Now, i"m not dumb.. so I say "that's the stupiest **** I ever heard.. why leave?" I thought she was 5.0 so I told her to "take off your pants and show me your *****" and she did...
So I'm like okay.. whatever.. i mean, we weren't doing anything anyway, so let's go.
So then she has me stop by this house... I ask for what.. she says she has to "get something she left".
Again, I'm like ***** i don't know you, you could be trying to set me up... So I drop her off, but park all the way down the street because I had no idea what might happen.
Oh, by the way, thoughout this entire story, remember I am pretty much drunk, which I am sure hampered my thought process the entire night
So, she comes back in, and pulls out a dime bag.
Now, I don't smoke... in fact i'm a health nut (besides vodka). Not only does she have weed.. she just pulls out a blunt and starts smokign in my car without asking.
In my NEW car without asking.
In my new car with leather seats, where the smell is still in there now, without asking.
Now, remember.. I'm drunk as it is. I have a hooker in my car, weed... that's pretty much a trifecta for your ass right there.
So I tell her to put the damn blunt out, I dont even smoke in my car.. she has the nerve to tell me to shut the **** up, "she knows what you are doing"
It took every once of self retraint to not slap that ***** silly.
Now, mind you, this is my first time doing this, so I am a little on edge,about the entire thing.
So she takes me to her room, and the entire time, there are people coming knocking on her door. The first time someone came, I made a b line for the car and was goignt o take off but she talked me out of it.
So, about 10 mintues go by, and I chill out, she is doing her thing to get ready, then she has the nerve to ask me to eat her out.
I actually hurt her feelings (is that possible?), by saying "you must have lost your mind, your a tute (short for prositute)
then she got mad and said "you suck"
So I have to remind her.. "if I'm not mistaken I Paid you, i'm s upposed to dictate what happens"
So I start kissing her breasts, not because I want to, remember, I just wanted some head, but because she asked me to.
now, this entire time, she is smoking a big ass blunt right in my face and finering her self for like seriously, 30 mintues, and she can't get wet.
Mind you, like I said, I didnt' want to **** in the first place, just suck my **** and I can go
So, and this is the funny part.. after all this, I hope she didn't think I was going to be.. aroused.. I have never seen my **** so limp in my life. I had things on my mine before I picked her up, I'm already drunk, now I gotta worry about people knocking on the door, she mentions that this guy is looking for her and asks me to not make any noise and **** like that.
I am thinking "damn, isn't your job to at the very least, provide a safe place to nutt?"
I cant' say it enough, if we would have followed my plan, and go behind a building, no problems at all.
So, I finally get the condom on and she is starting to give head.. now I started to calm down.. It wasn't bad head at all.. actually was.. quite good..
for and I am not exagerating...15 seconds... no more than 10 licks, then she told me to put it in. She coudln't even suck it long enough to get my **** hard!
At that point, I knew this wasn't going to work, she had to be the worst ***** in the entire country.
So I try to put it in... now, I'm not SMALL, but I'm not Don Johnson either.. About 5 1/2 inches, ih ave never had any complaints.. my last Ex tells me I am the 2nd smallest guy she has ever been with but she loves giving me head and she has no problem feeling me.. none of my old F buddies have complained either.. get alot of repeat customers
Anyway, the reason I say this is because, she gets in missionary position and bends her knees up by her head... damn woman, just make it impossible for me to put my **** in... Imean, it's already limp because I am thinking about maybe some guy you probably ripped off busting down the door looking for you, but lets make it as hard as possible.
So I get up and tell her i'm sorry but I can't do it. She throws a tantrum "Do what you gotta do, you go **** me!".. "uh.. no i'm not, you can keep the money, but my mind is somewhere else"
So as I am getting dressed, some dude knocks on the door, and he looked pissed off. I look at him and give him a head nod, and walk down to my car.. hell, whatever problems he had, he didn't have them with me, so I got out, I didn't even know the girl's name
She wanted me to take her back to stanton.. I took the **** off and got out of dodge.
To top it all off, I am pretty sure she stole my Kenneth cole watch I had on
She had HBO in her room.. I was more interested in the damn movie on TV.. Troy, then ****ing her.
For like 30 minutes, she just smoked and fingered herself.. I spent more time trying to help her get her off then her getting me off.
That is the last time I every try something like that, but hey, I got a good story out of it and I can say I tried it.
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
stupidy doesn't descriminate against looks...it's an equal opprtotunity employer.
she was actually pretty hot... mixed about 5'7 100 or so pounds, long legs pretty long hair nice tits... i was tr ying to talk to her before i found out she was a *****
she was actually pretty hot... mixed about 5'7 100 or so pounds, long legs pretty long hair nice tits... i was tr ying to talk to her before i found out she was a *****
MetalFortress
Master Don Juan
Um, that's what you get for driving drunk. Don't whine to us because a hooker made you her b!tch while you were drunk.
PRMoon
Master Don Juan
You could probably get some oil soap to wipe down your seat and some leather smell through your venelation system should get that herb scent out of your ride.
The last time my friend had a wh*re in his car he paid me 80 bucks to do a detail clean on his ride so his g/f wouldn't find out. You couldn't even find a single hook*r finger print in that baby...it was cherry.
The last time my friend had a wh*re in his car he paid me 80 bucks to do a detail clean on his ride so his g/f wouldn't find out. You couldn't even find a single hook*r finger print in that baby...it was cherry.
undesputable
Master Don Juan
hahah i dont think he was whining, he was just telling a story.
That was pretty funny.
That was pretty funny.
spider_007
Master Don Juan
some facts for ya.
-hookers like to stay in control. After all they are getting in a car with a stranger
-NEVER GO TO HER PLACE EVER !!! There is always people there. You could get riped off, or even worse hurt. If you really wana do her, get a motel room (short stay = $20)
-Never ever give her money untill you have your **** out and she is about to suck it.
-If she insults you, while your driving somewhere, stop the car and physicaly remove her from the car. Profesional hoes make polite conversation while in the car on the drive to the "place". If she is being rude, bossy, disrespectfull, seems like she is in the hurry, you might as well drop her off right now, trust me, it's not gona get any better (nor will it be fun)....
-if they ask to stop somewhere first, 90% of the time, it's to get drugs or to pay their pimp. If your goluble enough to give her money before this, this is where she will go in, and her pimp is gona come out......
-some will try and nagotiate a tip, or "extra time" while she is sucking your d1ck. Don't fall for it, just tell her you don't have any more money....
-if she asks for a ride other then the place where you picked her up, tell her you have to be somewhere in 10-15 minutes, and you don't have time.
-only 10% of street hoes are profesional about the whole thing. the rest are junkies.
If you want higher quality, and your willing to pay for it, call a escort agency, and tell them your feeling lonly and want some company (someone to talk to...)
.........or at least that's what I heard
-hookers like to stay in control. After all they are getting in a car with a stranger
-NEVER GO TO HER PLACE EVER !!! There is always people there. You could get riped off, or even worse hurt. If you really wana do her, get a motel room (short stay = $20)
-Never ever give her money untill you have your **** out and she is about to suck it.
-If she insults you, while your driving somewhere, stop the car and physicaly remove her from the car. Profesional hoes make polite conversation while in the car on the drive to the "place". If she is being rude, bossy, disrespectfull, seems like she is in the hurry, you might as well drop her off right now, trust me, it's not gona get any better (nor will it be fun)....
-if they ask to stop somewhere first, 90% of the time, it's to get drugs or to pay their pimp. If your goluble enough to give her money before this, this is where she will go in, and her pimp is gona come out......
-some will try and nagotiate a tip, or "extra time" while she is sucking your d1ck. Don't fall for it, just tell her you don't have any more money....
-if she asks for a ride other then the place where you picked her up, tell her you have to be somewhere in 10-15 minutes, and you don't have time.
-only 10% of street hoes are profesional about the whole thing. the rest are junkies.
If you want higher quality, and your willing to pay for it, call a escort agency, and tell them your feeling lonly and want some company (someone to talk to...)
.........or at least that's what I heard
ethnomethodologist
Master Don Juan
LOL, it was good you met a stupid one the first time, and got outta that place alive... it's probably useless for me to even listen to this, maybe even a waste of my time. I would never pay somebody to **** me, no matter how desperate I was, I'd just keep asking around until I found a horny girl to suck my ****.
I'm calling you stupid, for not parking your car, going to the back alley, whipping out your ****, and saying "no teeth" give her half before, half when your done. If she's got a pimp, she'll do her job right, or your going to call the cops... you never paid for sexual favours, you paid for her company, you were stupid enough to trust her to suck you ****, just remember that, the half was to say I don't want you to run away.
Funny story? Yeah, but you weren't really making it funny, you sounded distressed and confused while talking to us, you get what you deserve. Try and talk like DrBeard when you **** up, he's good at it.
I'm calling you stupid, for not parking your car, going to the back alley, whipping out your ****, and saying "no teeth" give her half before, half when your done. If she's got a pimp, she'll do her job right, or your going to call the cops... you never paid for sexual favours, you paid for her company, you were stupid enough to trust her to suck you ****, just remember that, the half was to say I don't want you to run away.
Funny story? Yeah, but you weren't really making it funny, you sounded distressed and confused while talking to us, you get what you deserve. Try and talk like DrBeard when you **** up, he's good at it.
ethnomethodologist
Master Don Juan
Sounds like you listened pretty goodOriginally posted by spider_007
some facts for ya.
-hookers like to stay in control. After all they are getting in a car with a stranger
-NEVER GO TO HER PLACE EVER !!! There is always people there. You could get riped off, or even worse hurt. If you really wana do her, get a motel room (short stay = $20)
-Never ever give her money untill you have your **** out and she is about to suck it.
-If she insults you, while your driving somewhere, stop the car and physicaly remove her from the car. Profesional hoes make polite conversation while in the car on the drive to the "place". If she is being rude, bossy, disrespectfull, seems like she is in the hurry, you might as well drop her off right now, trust me, it's not gona get any better (nor will it be fun)....
-if they ask to stop somewhere first, 90% of the time, it's to get drugs or to pay their pimp. If your goluble enough to give her money before this, this is where she will go in, and her pimp is gona come out......
-some will try and nagotiate a tip, or "extra time" while she is sucking your d1ck. Don't fall for it, just tell her you don't have any more money....
-if she asks for a ride other then the place where you picked her up, tell her you have to be somewhere in 10-15 minutes, and you don't have time.
-only 10% of street hoes are profesional about the whole thing. the rest are junkies.
If you want higher quality, and your willing to pay for it, call a escort agency, and tell them your feeling lonly and want some company (someone to talk to...)
.........or at least that's what I heard
You should write a thread on the subject. "how to pick up a hooker, DonJuan style"
Keep these points in mind, all of them, if you don't do it, I will, and I'll get the rave reviews
come on man, a race, I'm going to do it this weekend, if you don't do it sooner. Don't worry, I'll put your name and a link to this information for you
spider_007
Master Don Juan
naaa, go ahead bro, you know more about it then me
ethnomethodologist
Master Don Juan
Nah man, I know about hookah's never met to a hooker that's asked me to pay her for sex though. Not ONCE
Would probably be pretty cool to blow people away at a party with telling em how to pick up the perfect hooker though. Probably wouldn't hurt to know about how to do it in the future too. Maybe I'm going to go macking in the south sometime, and go pick up and rip off a bunch off hookers. Than drive down the same street with a few girls in the car with the windows open, and say hi to the ladies on the side... watch the girls jaws drop when they start screaming about how much of an ******* I am.
InsidiousNstinct
Master Don Juan
- Joined
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"She had HBO in her room.. I was more interested in the damn movie on TV.. Troy, then ****ing her."
Well...its a pretty good movie
Well...its a pretty good movie
AC/DC
Master Don Juan
HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
something else I realized as well... I don't like sex as much as I thought I did.
I like the thrill of chasing tail more than the sex itself.
Like with women.. I don't like actaully ****ing them (okay, that's an overstatement, but you get the point), as much as the game that leads up to the sex.. the cat and mouse, etc.
Because as bad as she was, I really wasn't feeling it. I guess it was because there were no emotions for her or me involved.
I like the thrill of chasing tail more than the sex itself.
Like with women.. I don't like actaully ****ing them (okay, that's an overstatement, but you get the point), as much as the game that leads up to the sex.. the cat and mouse, etc.
Because as bad as she was, I really wasn't feeling it. I guess it was because there were no emotions for her or me involved.