dream_fragments
Don Juan
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2005
- Messages
- 15
- Reaction score
- 0
- Age
- 36
Chapter 1: You appearance
The first and probably most important step to getting laid is your appearance. You can’t expect to have sexual relation with much more than a 3 week old mango in your current state. So, take heed of the following things. To begin with, you must have long hair. Chicks dig long hair. Now, long hair can be achieved in several ways. You can OD on Rogaine, but this usually leads to an unusually hairy corpse and statistics show that corpses don’t have that much sex, unless they die a with perky breasts. You can also simulate long hair by doing things such as concentrating really loud and grunting, or simply gluing armpit and/or pubic hair on your face.
Next, muscles must be established so your thrusting can be comparable only to a train zooming up a canary anus. You could work out, but that also means you will be working with fat people and fat is contagious. So, the illusion of muscles can be achieved by gluing skinless, wet potatoes on your body. If you are Asian use sweet potatoes.
Now, the most important part, the wang. The average wang size is said to be 5.5 inches. But this is laughed at by most women, because everyone, EVERYONE, has at least an 8.5 inch pinch of man meat ready for the oven. So, oh wizard of the small wood, you are going to need a wang. Now, this can be accomplished by pulling on it several times a day, or if you lack hand or agile feet, hot gluing bricks to it. But, if worse comes to worse, you can simply stuff a sock (of appropriate color) with live gerbils. The gerbils will provide the extra power you need and women love small furry things, especially when they are in them via sock wang.
Now that you have your appearance down, you are ready for the next step.
Chapter 2: The Attitude
Now, that you have the right look, you can move on to the next step, your attitude. Now, the attitude is a very important thing, and it is also the hardest thing to fake. I say fake it because, face it you are boring and without faking an attitude and personality, you will NOT under any circumstances, get laid, ever. So, we will begin with the basics, yo…
Notice how I just used the word “yo” this is a common example of the “street” lingo. Notice by using it, my sexy factor went up by 5, this is a good thing. But you may be asking yourself “How can using ‘street help my wang ball reach the happy hole at the end of my sexual gold course?” Well, just look at a rap video; see the asses on those girls? Notice how they are attracted to the pelvises of the rappers? Street lingo seems to attract women, especially the slutty kind of women that lack any sort of self respect and moral fiber. These women are yes.
So, let’s start with the street attitude, first off add “lil” in front of your name, even if you are a 300 pound whale of a guy. Then, pretend like you are a badass. That’s right, you can take anyone, anywhere, at any time, even though you weigh 90 pounds and lost a fist fight to the chess team captain. Now, wear sweat bands, especially when you are not sweating and mock everyone, EVERYONE for doing anything remotely wrong in your eyes. Include in this mocking the words “dawg, momma, ass, hizzle, Tupac, and toast.” I’m not sure what the “toast” was for but hey, I’m a badass, you can’t correct me.
Now, pull your pants down to your knees, this helps your walk. By inhibiting the use of your knees, your stride will tell everyone “I’m too badass for walking the EASY way!” Now, if you really want to be badass, staple your testicles to the sides of your leg, if you can make sure your scrotum resembles a butterfly, because chicks dig butterflies. For the final touch take the two things most featured in rap videos besides women, chrome and small dog. Take the small dog and dip it in melted chrome. Then, take the chromed animal and wear it around your neck with a dollar store chain holding it up.
Now that you got your groove on, you can proceed to the next step.
The first and probably most important step to getting laid is your appearance. You can’t expect to have sexual relation with much more than a 3 week old mango in your current state. So, take heed of the following things. To begin with, you must have long hair. Chicks dig long hair. Now, long hair can be achieved in several ways. You can OD on Rogaine, but this usually leads to an unusually hairy corpse and statistics show that corpses don’t have that much sex, unless they die a with perky breasts. You can also simulate long hair by doing things such as concentrating really loud and grunting, or simply gluing armpit and/or pubic hair on your face.
Next, muscles must be established so your thrusting can be comparable only to a train zooming up a canary anus. You could work out, but that also means you will be working with fat people and fat is contagious. So, the illusion of muscles can be achieved by gluing skinless, wet potatoes on your body. If you are Asian use sweet potatoes.
Now, the most important part, the wang. The average wang size is said to be 5.5 inches. But this is laughed at by most women, because everyone, EVERYONE, has at least an 8.5 inch pinch of man meat ready for the oven. So, oh wizard of the small wood, you are going to need a wang. Now, this can be accomplished by pulling on it several times a day, or if you lack hand or agile feet, hot gluing bricks to it. But, if worse comes to worse, you can simply stuff a sock (of appropriate color) with live gerbils. The gerbils will provide the extra power you need and women love small furry things, especially when they are in them via sock wang.
Now that you have your appearance down, you are ready for the next step.
Chapter 2: The Attitude
Now, that you have the right look, you can move on to the next step, your attitude. Now, the attitude is a very important thing, and it is also the hardest thing to fake. I say fake it because, face it you are boring and without faking an attitude and personality, you will NOT under any circumstances, get laid, ever. So, we will begin with the basics, yo…
Notice how I just used the word “yo” this is a common example of the “street” lingo. Notice by using it, my sexy factor went up by 5, this is a good thing. But you may be asking yourself “How can using ‘street help my wang ball reach the happy hole at the end of my sexual gold course?” Well, just look at a rap video; see the asses on those girls? Notice how they are attracted to the pelvises of the rappers? Street lingo seems to attract women, especially the slutty kind of women that lack any sort of self respect and moral fiber. These women are yes.
So, let’s start with the street attitude, first off add “lil” in front of your name, even if you are a 300 pound whale of a guy. Then, pretend like you are a badass. That’s right, you can take anyone, anywhere, at any time, even though you weigh 90 pounds and lost a fist fight to the chess team captain. Now, wear sweat bands, especially when you are not sweating and mock everyone, EVERYONE for doing anything remotely wrong in your eyes. Include in this mocking the words “dawg, momma, ass, hizzle, Tupac, and toast.” I’m not sure what the “toast” was for but hey, I’m a badass, you can’t correct me.
Now, pull your pants down to your knees, this helps your walk. By inhibiting the use of your knees, your stride will tell everyone “I’m too badass for walking the EASY way!” Now, if you really want to be badass, staple your testicles to the sides of your leg, if you can make sure your scrotum resembles a butterfly, because chicks dig butterflies. For the final touch take the two things most featured in rap videos besides women, chrome and small dog. Take the small dog and dip it in melted chrome. Then, take the chromed animal and wear it around your neck with a dollar store chain holding it up.
Now that you got your groove on, you can proceed to the next step.
