You and your close friends

[danthemann]

Just found out how important *good* friends are when it comes to girls. By this I dont mean the friends who always have your back but the friends who are recognized by the general society as *good*. You can have social proof but theres also good social proof and bad social proof and I think more importance should be placed on this at sosuave. If you actually are out to improve yourself, then respectable friends should also be a top prospect you seek and you should get involved wherever you can to meet these *good* people. Its not all about doing the good thing, influence plays a huge role and its not very motivational to be around people who arent motivated.

What made me think of this is my own current situation. I went into this semester looking to change myself for the better and while ive been doing so, I havent been fully succesfull. Currently the girl ive been seeing has been having a problem with a few of my friends and naturally I side with bros before hoes but theres an underlying indifference here. The friends she has a problem with are the ones who make bad/unhealthy life decisions (no college, drugs, etc...) and the ones she doesnt complain about are the ones who want something to do with their life. Basically, this girl has been judging me based on who my close friends are and regardless of me seeing the good, brotherly side in them, she sees the bad decisions they make and how much she doesnt want to associate herself with those types of people. While its a pretty crappy thing to do, you gotta respect yourself more than to be CLOSE friends with people who have no hope in becoming a more successful person.

What im getting at is that if you really respect yourself and you value yourself and even want a decently attractive girl, youll also value who youre friends are, and because of that youll pick better people to be your close friends who will actually repay you in the long run; when theyre own healthy life choices pay off and you, their good buddy whose always been there, will collect on them just as they do off you.

 

[SgtSplacker]

Good friends are the cornerstone to a good life. No better motivator than seeing everyone around you do good for themselves. You always want to hang around like minded people, anything else and you are doing yourself a disservice. Your friends basically make up your culture and you don't want to be a part of a looser culture you cannot gain anything from. You also want to make sure your lady understands not to judge you based on your friends, you always have to make sure to demonstrate your individuality to her. So she does not have so much conviction when judging you by your friends.

 

[PDubb75]

danthemann, I know exactly what you are going through with respect to your friends.

My situation: I grew up in the NW suburbs of Chicago. After college, the job I found is about 5 miles from the house I grew up in. Most of my good friends have jobs in the city and now live there. So, while I do still hang out with them, it is far less often than my group of friends that live right around me. Since I am technically back "home" (even though I have my own place), most of my friends here live with their parents, did not go to school, and many don't have jobs. I get judged based on this group of people all of the time.

These are all people that I have been friends with nearly my entire life. I can't just drop them, but I do notice a huge difference in responsiveness from girls when I am with this group compared to when I am with a few other social circles I have. I tried to hang out with my other social circles more, but that just lead to a string of a ton of driving to expensive bars, and no house to bring any girls back to if I found one. Or, in the case of someone I would consider dating, they would not live that close to me. I hate not sleeping in my own house, so I would often drive home at 4:00am, which also meant I had to watch what I drank that night. It was just a pain in the ass going this route so often.

Luckily, I've noticed that once a girl starts to get to know me better, they don't judge me on my friends as much, and do see I am different than them. But I am sure my friends have killed my shot with some girls that aren't willing to give me that chance.

 

[Iceberg]

You have a point, Dan.

But this girl is just some broad you happen to be f**king right now. She should have no influence (and honestly, no opinion) on the people you allow into your life.

You're a grown man. You can choose who to befriend and who to de-friend without her sticking her nose into it.

I've had girls try the same thing with me...judging my friends and family. And while I'm sure these girls were trying to help, they ended up doing nothing but pissing me off. The people I allow into my life are there for a reason. And some girl who I might be dating for a few months should keep her mouth shut about the friendships I've built over 30 years of my life.

What im getting at is that if you really respect yourself and you value yourself and even want a decently attractive girl, youll also value who youre friends are,

So my point is... my friends are my friends. The girl is dating me. Not them. A girl I'm dating might encounter my friends once every month or two. So if she chooses the judge me based on them, or whine about them, or look down on them, then f**k her. Because she's just someone I'm f**king, and THEY are the people who have supported me for years.

Become friends with good people, because they are good. Not because of how it benefits you with girls. I'm getting mad just thinking about the few times a girl I've dated has tried to influence the friendships I've made over decades.

 

[danthemann]

I dont think what im trying to say is that you should change your friends for some silly girl but that you should be more careful about who you associate yourself with. Of course a good friend will always have a spot over some girl but if you want to completely make yourself a better person, surrounding yourself with good people who are going somewhere will help you tremendously in the long run because they have the same aspirations as you do, to succeed. Rather than spending time with those burnout friends or the ones from high school who never tried to make it farther, spend your time finding new friends who want to be somebody one day because in the end those are the type of people you want to be around because they benefit you subconciously. When you see them, it makes you want to be better than them and what a better way to better yourself than being above the people you find great? Its the same thing girls do, they are always competing amongst eachother.

It makes me think about something i read here a while ago, how if someones trying to get your girl, you should befriend them rather than have a problem with them. Because what kind of friend is gunna take your girl? Its almost the same thing, the better friends you surround yourself with, the better person you appear to be (just from association) and the better person you'll want to be in the end.

 

[AAAgent]

This is a great post dan and i'm glad someone mentioned this.

I did this as a child but i didn't have the intention that you have now when you explain it. I was born and lived in philadelphia as a child, family had business there, etc. I moved to a nice jersey suburb and got schooled there. I was in philly every weekend and some weekdays and always chilled with my philly friends but even as a 12 year old i knew i needed good friends because i didn't want to be stuck in philly.

I grew up watching homeless people, criminals, poor people, immigrants, etc. work for my father so my motivation was I don't want to be like this when i grow up. So i always tried to make friends with smarter people, so i could learn from them, i always made friends with good natured people who were my philly friends.

Now that i'm grown up i don't see my philly friends too much when i go back to philly unless im clubbing and maybe walking down the street. They are all still there. Most don't have college degrees or are working slowly to get them, they live at home, and aren't that bright.

I'm out in NYC doing as much as i can with my life. My jersey friends are all over the country in Banking, accounting, corporations etc. We still hang out because when i talk to them, i can actually have meaningful conversations. We chill, go out and meet chicks, drink, party, and all have good times. We buy each other drinks and pay for sh1t/cover each other and wingman. My philly friends can do some of that but since they don't have high paying jobs its really limited to what they can do.

 

[Packers2010]

Good friends are the cornerstone to a good life. No better motivator than seeing everyone around you do good for themselves. You always want to hang around like minded people, anything else and you are doing yourself a disservice. Your friends basically make up your culture and you don't want to be a part of a looser culture you cannot gain anything from. You also want to make sure your lady understands not to judge you based on your friends, you always have to make sure to demonstrate your individuality to her. So she does not have so much conviction when judging you by your friends.

this is so true. i used to hang out with the " looser" group from highschool. they was idiots. they would just pull pranks and do stupid stuff, like get drunk every weekend and never talk to girls.

not they smoke week and have gfs :S

i don't talk to them anymore because they brought me down so badly. so it's true what you say.

when i start my new life. i am going to make DAM sure my friends are people who make me look good and vice versa

 

[Konada]

this is so true. i used to hang out with the " looser" group from highschool. they was idiots. they would just pull pranks and do stupid stuff, like get drunk every weekend and never talk to girls.

not they smoke week and have gfs :S

i don't talk to them anymore because they brought me down so badly. so it's true what you say.

when i start my new life. i am going to make DAM sure my friends are people who make me look good and vice versa

Wow you just made it look like your 'friends' are just your tools for success. Obviously if you have been brought up well, you'd generally be mixing with the right people (not those who do drugs/weed 24/7) Different groups of friends are better for different things. You are better off playing COD with your gamer friends rather than your gym friends, likewise, asking gamer dudes to work out will result in plain embarassment. Pick your groups for suit your mode of action.

 

[Packers2010]

Wow you just made it look like your 'friends' are just your tools for success. Obviously if you have been brought up well, you'd generally be mixing with the right people (not those who do drugs/weed 24/7) Different groups of friends are better for different things. You are better off playing COD with your gamer friends rather than your gym friends, likewise, asking gamer dudes to work out will result in plain embarassment. Pick your groups for suit your mode of action.

i didn't mean to sound like that.

i meant it as. we just grew apart. they stayed childish and i grew up.

i mean. one guy had " birthday drinks" and 11 dudes showed up. that's pretty much it. i got there they started tooling me from the get go, and it was boring as ****.

to be quite honest i never really " saw them as my friends". i do have close friends who mean the world to me. they are my true friends and i know who they are. i would NEVER just use them for success. i love the small few fclose friends i have.

the ones i talk about above ( the ones who i am NOT friends with anymore) would just tool me and annoy the **** out of me.

one time they came to my house with a mega phone and started blasting it at my house at 12am when we was all sleeping. my dog started going ape sh!t for 30 mins. my mother was not pleased either. when i confronted them about it. they just found it funny.

they did **** like this all the time. the just "drink and smoke weed" that's there hobby. i need more then that. i want to do things and go to bars and meet girls n stuff.

i feel like they just used me for entertainment. few weeks ago they called me cos they was drinking and bored. i told them i had to get up early in the morning and they just hung up on me.

so you can see why i don't hang out with them. not to mention being hacked and all sorts of other sh!t by them.