Yo its ya boy. I have a question. Teach me the ways.

[narcissist]

Hey! whats going on bros!?

Been a long time since I have been on this forum but I think its fitting that I come back and ask a question regarding my own personal emotions.

The advice that you guys and the DJ bible have given me has been truly valuable, to say the very least, in terms of attracting women, sleeping with them and becoming a self-improving tycoon. But I am nonetheless, still very far from my perfected self. (At least who I know I can ultimately become). I still have a sh*t load to learn.

Anywyas, I have found not very much information on how to REDUCE the effects of oneitis. Sadly, i have fallen privy to a classic case of oneitis.

Im still being DJ about it, and HAVE NOT made any AFC blunders obviously. BUT I dont like this subjective personal feeling. Havent had it since my Ex. For example, today I found it hard to study because I kept thinking about her. :crackup: I know I know. Yikes.

I feel like Im slowly losing my emotional control for this girl. Not to the point of making careless blunders but where its affecting my personal life. SO. this brings me to my 3 part question guys:

1) what are some good articles on controlling my feelings/emotions and staying logical in a situation of oneitis?

2) How do I make a oneitis turn into a non-oneitis? because im not down to give a girl this much power over me

3) Do you guys have any personal advice on how to control these feelings and keep them in check? maybe through individual experiences or personal wisdom.


PS. Ive already slept with her, and shes on my d pretty hard & Im spinning another plate as well (hb7.5) and keeping multiple girls on the roster. Also Everything in my life is pretty fvcking amazing to say the least and Im continuing that perpetual betterment life, so if you guys have any direct information on emotional control and the amplification of logic please let me know!

Teach me how to not let my emotions get the best of me. I need to stay grounded.

Thank bros! Much love.

 

[djthiago1]

Only known cures for oneitis are: Time and another woman. Staying busy makes progress easier.

 

[Tomo]

Enjoy it. If things are going good, what are you worried about. The only thing is to keep doing what you do. You can be crazy about a chick but still be chasing career ambitions, catching up with friends, enjoying your hobbies.

Sometimes I think this forum perpetuates the black and grey of blasting woman as soulless beings and how as dudes we need to pump and dump as many as we can. If she's a good one, have fun and go with the flow. If things work out, kudos to you. Things don't, no problems, move on.

 

[astrn]

For myself workout really helps me to kill the desperate emotions towards my oneitis cases. Usually running for 30-40 min really clears my mind. If that doesnt helps me I try to call a a friend to chat about my oneitis situation...

If all of this not going to help I developed an out of box thinking method recently. Nowadays I am going to a sameplace where my oneitis girl hangs out. Currently I am having the same situation. (She told me once likes me, kino, light flirting etc, no kisses and sex sadly) If I see her I directly look into her eyes like I feel great even without you. If she is alone or with her another friend she forces herself to say hi to me. When she say hi I smile with a glory and pride and say hi and went back to my business. But wait first for her hi. This is really hard todo, you really need to yourself to control emotions after it. But if you managed todo it you feel youself much more better. And then she also realizes I CAN CONTROL MYSELF.

The reason that I am doing is when she saw me I am unconsiously telling her "I am still rock without" feeling then she realizes what she did miss and ****ed up with me.

This realy helps me...

 

[handle]

Time and distractions.

Do stuff take on personal projects. It will take a while.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

Narc,

Good to see you again. Though less good to hear about the oneitis issues.

Think we all go through it; and often over and over again.

Personally, I find it helpful to verbally rationalise (at least to myself) when I'm trying to get out of a particular thought process. I have to do it over and over again, and I know I always will. I think it is a mistake to think that we can change ourselves permanently. We will forever be a work in progress; but we can enjoy moments of sanity in the intervening times.

Cognitive and gestalt theorists believe that the only way to rid ourselves of erroneous thought and emotion is to firstly admit (at least to ourselves) that we are experiencing it. Denial will only lead to suppression, which in turn will lead to re-surfacing.

Therefore, be fair to yourself. You do like this chick, of course you do. Admit it to yourself. Then decide to think/emote/experience something different. Realise that, owing to everything you know about game, your patience is the most effective strategy. It's pretty basic CBT, but takes A LOT of practice.

I find reading about psych theory as compelling as I do useful.

Here's some excerpts from a slide set I've been reading:

Focusing as a way of processing healthy emotions (Gendlin, 1998)
1. Finding a still place.
2. Scanning the body for tension and signs of bodily held emotions.
3. Focusing on the emotions and allowing them to speak.
4. Seeking to get a verbal handle on the emotion.
5. Allowing self to flow between feeling and verbal label, enabling emotions and meaning to unfold.

Steps in cognitive-emotional processing
-Identify the negative emotion.
-Encourage the client to hold the emotion in open awareness.
-Allow the client to process the feeling and observe what new forms of feeling and meaning arise.
-Reflect on the shift in feeling and meaning.
-Stay with the shifts in feeling and meaning until they have fixed into a new meaning gestalt.


It seems like one of the most important steps is to identify what you are experiencing (as opposed to simply experiencing it); a bit like the old adage 'admitting you have a problem is half the battle'. Only then can we consequently begin to rationalise and identify strategy to overcome the problem.

You can live without her for a while. You can. You know what you need to do to maintain her attraction to you.

All the best dude.

 

[narcissist]

First and foremost thank you too all who replied! much love, and gratitude

Narc,

Good to see you again. Though less good to hear about the oneitis issues.

Think we all go through it; and often over and over again.

Personally, I find it helpful to verbally rationalise (at least to myself) when I'm trying to get out of a particular thought process. I have to do it over and over again, and I know I always will. I think it is a mistake to think that we can change ourselves permanently. We will forever be a work in progress; but we can enjoy moments of sanity in the intervening times.

Cognitive and gestalt theorists believe that the only way to rid ourselves of erroneous thought and emotion is to firstly admit (at least to ourselves) that we are experiencing it. Denial will only lead to suppression, which in turn will lead to re-surfacing.

Therefore, be fair to yourself. You do like this chick, of course you do. Admit it to yourself. Then decide to think/emote/experience something different. Realise that, owing to everything you know about game, your patience is the most effective strategy. It's pretty basic CBT, but takes A LOT of practice.

I find reading about psych theory as compelling as I do useful.

Here's some excerpts from a slide set I've been reading:

Focusing as a way of processing healthy emotions (Gendlin, 1998)
1. Finding a still place.
2. Scanning the body for tension and signs of bodily held emotions.
3. Focusing on the emotions and allowing them to speak.
4. Seeking to get a verbal handle on the emotion.
5. Allowing self to flow between feeling and verbal label, enabling emotions and meaning to unfold.

Steps in cognitive-emotional processing
-Identify the negative emotion.
-Encourage the client to hold the emotion in open awareness.
-Allow the client to process the feeling and observe what new forms of feeling and meaning arise.
-Reflect on the shift in feeling and meaning.
-Stay with the shifts in feeling and meaning until they have fixed into a new meaning gestalt.


It seems like one of the most important steps is to identify what you are experiencing (as opposed to simply experiencing it); a bit like the old adage 'admitting you have a problem is half the battle'. Only then can we consequently begin to rationalise and identify strategy to overcome the problem.

You can live without her for a while. You can. You know what you need to do to maintain her attraction to you.

All the best dude.

TMK, you have always been one of my fav posters! Thank you so much for this insightful response! truly amazing.

Being a Psychology Major I can really relate to the CBT and Gestalt approaches that you are talking about here. You are completely right. I like her. There is no point in denying in. I feel better now just admitting it to myself and the universe. My cognitive schema has been conditioned to get positive reinforcement from her, and maybe I have learned through operant conditioning to enjoy her presence to the point where it feels like a need. Clearly this is not the actual case because within operant conditioning there is the concept of "extinction of the learned response" which inevitably ensues after the stimulus/positive reinforcment is gone. AKA - when we are finished doing our thing I will eventually get over the oneitis. I have to consistently remind myself of this factor. The oneitis I am feeling is merely an operantly conditioned response.

I will also definitely be utilizing these different therapeutic techniques to undermine these learned emotions.

There is still an issue. Maybe you could help me out on this as well. We are just f*ck-buddies right now. This is why I so adamantly want to reduce my feelings for her. I do not want my emotions to be the ruinous factor to the already perfect situation I have going for me because its a good one, But I also don't want to get attached because I know eventually we will part our ways and I do not have the time nor resources to mull over a girl that I like after the s3x arrangement is terminated.


Once again thank you!

 

[salinechow]

This is amazing stuff.

 

[Evzone]

In my opinion, oneitis is more something you teach to guys who are brand new and don't know which way is up. You seem to have some experience already. If you two have a good relationship, then great. Isn't that the whole reason why you got into game in the first place?

The point is that you don't cross over into desperation but it doesn't seem like you are there. The point is you realize you could get another girl if you want (you mentioned you have another casual girl on the side as well), so I don't think oneitis for you is something to worry about.

 

[ImTheDoubleGreatest!]

This probably won't work for you, but you never know.

What I do is whenever I start thinking of a girl, I get pissed off because I consider that weakness, and I am never going to be weak ever again. EVER. And then I start thinking that only pvssies think about a girl. I tell myself that's weak and wimpy. And then I get pissed off and get really aggressive and refuse to listen to anyone or do anything anyone wants me to do. Why? Because I am the man and no petty little girl is gonna try and control me. Then I tell myself "Be a man you fvcking *****!!!" but not like Pook's way, more like an insulting way, calling myself a wimp in a sense and I get defiant and force myself to quit thinking about the girl or doing whatever it was that was wimpy.

Part of the reason why that works is because when I was younger, I remember being weak (mentally, socially, emotionally, and physically) and looking back at my old self, I'm just disgusted and refuse to become even close to that way ever again.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

There is still an issue. Maybe you could help me out on this as well. We are just f*ck-buddies right now. This is why I so adamantly want to reduce my feelings for her. I do not want my emotions to be the ruinous factor to the already perfect situation I have going for me because its a good one, But I also don't want to get attached because I know eventually we will part our ways and I do not have the time nor resources to mull over a girl that I like after the s3x arrangement is terminated.


Always a pleasure, never a chore, to shoot the sh!t with you Narc,

With view to the above, I wouldn't let it ruin your head too much man.

It reminds me a little of my pal who I know about with. We'll be out, chasing tail, as is our way. My mate is amazing a pulling chicks because he just literally doesn't care. He is the personification of outcome independence. However, once he has pulled, he almost immediately starts analysing the situation for it's merits, the fact he doesn't actually want a GF, analysing her, what her intentions and behviours mean, blah blah blah.

I take a quite different approach, which seems to work quite a lot better in the long-run. Though I am not initially quite so independent of outcome (I am basically looking at every hot bird as a potential play mate!), as soon as I know I am in with even the slightest chance, I purposefully loose the expectation element to my drive and rather focus on enjoying the moment and situation. Ultimately, most chicks are after fun and enjoyment too; and ultimately it's what we are looking for too.

By nature we are conditioned in to this third-party introspection.

I would say don't try to rid yourself of emotion - as we have said, you may risk denying the existence of the feelings which can be troublesome in the long run.

Instead, turn you hand to harnessing the power of your emotion to positive ends. Don't even contemplate your arrangement coming to an end, unless you want it to; which, by the sounds of it, you don't. Enjoy it for what it is and just pick up on cues that she is enjoying it too.

Don't deny you like her. Just like her and enjoy it. Unfortunately things do come to an end. That's life. But it doesn't mean they always have to. Enjoy what you do have now and what you can keep having going forward and try not to transfer memory of old experience on to current and new. You are living in fear of something that may not happen.

And remember. Frame first. Always frame first.