Xidiot Journal

[Xidiot]

Greetings, gentlemen.

This journal will feature tales of my DJ exploits and reflections on my attempts to improve my game.

All feedback and comments are welcome. There's no requirement to be congenial, so if you're up for it, hit me with your worst. I'll take on all comers. Alternatively, do the right thing and help feed my malnourished ego.

Background

My username explains the better part of my story. I used to be an idiot -- a tremendous idiot -- in life in general in far too many ways to mention. But I'm no longer an idiot, hence the moniker "Xidiot" (ie ex-idiot).

Sadly, when it comes to females I'm still much more an idiot than not.

I was shy and ridiculously intimidated by girls all throughout high school. Needless to say, I never had a girlfriend or even so much as asked a girl out. I was so ridiculously timid that the idea of asking a girl out struck me as utterly absurd. ("Ask a girl out? Me? Are you insane?")

Things changed once I turned eighteen. I started clubbing and enjoyed moderate success, and eventually succeeded in picking up some very hot girls.

All this abruptly ended around the age of twenty-two, at which time my life entered upon what can only be described as an elevated level of idiocy, even for a thoroughgoing idiot like me.

I am now thirty-five(!) and have only picked up one or two (my memory's sketchy) girls between the age of twenty-two and now. I won't bore you with the details of why this was so.

The main point you (and I) need to understand is that my skills are at absolute rock-bottom.

I'm essentially starting anew.

I've heard that "life begins at forty," so if this is true then I now have a five-year head-start.

After so many long years out of the dating/pick-up/girlfriend scene, I have recently began to take my first tentative steps toward re-entry.

Now, before I begin regaling you with war stories, let's take stock of my strengths and weaknesses.

Strengths

Let's take stock of my strengths.

- Don't look thirty-five. Nobody ever guesses my age. I'm invariably placed around 24-26. (I think this is a strength.)

- Good-looking. (A strength, to be sure, but dammit, sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether a girl isn't into me or is simply intimidated, which works against you when you're attempting to overcome your own timidity.)

- Good body. (Not as good as it has been, but still muscly and fairly lean -- though certainly no six-pack.)

- Good conversationalist. (Except when it comes to approaching and/or escalating the sexual banter with women I'm very attracted to, at which I absolutely and unquestionably suck. I mean, suck. Believe it.)

Weaknesses

Er...everything else.

Look, it's not for nothing I am "Xidiot". I am such an idiot that even as an ex-idiot I'm still something of an idiot.

Still, let's make a list.

- Approaching. FAIL.

- Considering approaching. FAIL.

- Contemplating considering approaching. Still a goddam @$*#&$@#^ FAIL.

(See where this is going?)

- Escalating. What do you think? FAIL, my friend, it's a FAIL.

- Dancing. Sigh. FAIL.

Man, this is depressing. Oh, wait. I remembered another Strength: stylish dresser. (Well, at thirty-five I'm a bit out of the loop when it comes to the latest fashions, and there are some "fashionable" items I'd never consider donning, but all in all, I can still confidently state I'm on the better side of average.)

- Friends. Freaking hell....FAIL.

- Social circle. Pfft. FAILY FAIL FAIL.

(By "fail" I don't mean my friends or my social circle are no good; I mean they are non-existent.)

- Hair. FAIL. (Boy, this one gets me down. I hate my freaking hair. There's really only one style that looks good on me and it looks nothing like what modern "stylish" styles look like. Mercifully, at my age stylish doesn't quite matter so much. And I'm fortunate that the style that does look good on me is something of a "classic" styling, so it's never really out of fashion among "mainstream" people -- I couldn't care less what niche sub-cultures think of it.)

- Sex. May as well admit it, FAIL. (Climax too soon. Am timid, unimaginative and unadventurous. And embarrassingly often impotent. Yes, I know: not a pretty picture.)

At this point more thoughtful readers might make the not unreasonable suggestion that I am gay. I've had reason to ponder this question myself. I've looked at men, long and hard, but it does nothing for me; and the thought of, er, you know, "doing" anything with them completely grosses me out. So we'll have to rule out gayness.

If I'm going to volunteer details as intimate as that, then I should also mention, on a more serious note than any of the preceding commentary (not that that was unserious), that the past decade or so has been psychologically quite stressful for me, for a variety of professional and family-related reasons. Only within the last few months have I come to feel that those issues are resolved and feel ready to attack life with renewed zest.

Coming up next, some field reports of recent goings-out to bring you up to date with the present (and to allow you to gauge whether this journal may be worth reading or not).

 

[Xidiot]

This was my first night out after deciding that it was time to “get back to living” a few months ago. I was in a strange city (small, ~75,000) on business one day, and decided to stick around until to evening and go out by myself (something I wasn't accustomed to) and see how things go. I bought a few drinks, drank them in my car and cruised the streets to get the lay of the land.

There were two clubs side-by-side in this one particular alley, with "park bench and table" type seating provided on the street. People were milling about outside so the environment looked beckoning. I thought I'd take a seat outside, light up a cigarette and try to feel as though I belong.

Walking up to the seats, I overtook two girls (5s-7s at best) walking towards the clubs. "Hey, which one of these two clubs is better?" I asked one. They both stopped and turned around and answered in a friendly manner, telling me what they thought of each place."

While they were saying that, I asked one of them for a lighter. She held the lighter out for me and flicked it a few times but it kept going out. I tried to take it off her and light it myself but she playfully shook my hand off the lighter and insisted on lighting it herself.

"So which place are you going?" I asked the lighter girl.

"We're going to [xyz]," she said.

"All right, I'm going to [xyz], too, then," I said, as we all started walking.

"You can't come with us!" said the lighter girl, in a playful rather than a mean tone. "Our boyfriends wouldn't like it."

I can't remember if I answered anything to that, but I do recall that I wasn't upset by it, and I also recall that I was pleased that I wasn't upset.

I took a seat at one of the tables outside. Almost immediately after lighting my smoke a guy sat down next to me to my left, and this blond (6-8) with long hair and nice tits and a white dress stood next to him. I had a feeling they might be together and treated the situation that way.

I greeted the guy first with a how's it going. He started telling me about there being some guy inside who was upsetting him and with whom he was going to get into fight if the other guy didn't watch himself. Was it a rowdy kind of a place, I asked. No, not really, "just this one guy," he said. I mentioned I'm from out of town and wondering where to go out. He must figured I was "okay," because he gave me his assurances that he'd "look after" me. He also told me about another club was around the corner which he rated as the best in town and where "everyone ends up" at the end of the night.

Then the blond asked me for a lighter. She had a mesmerizing smile that I was momentarily knocked off balance by. I had sort of figured that she and the guy weren't together by then and found her desirable but got tongue-tied and had no idea of what to say. So I just said "yeah" I've got a lighter, while racking my brain for something studlier. She lit her cigarette and sat down next to me. I can't remember if we spoke after that. I can remember me feeling hesitant and self-doubting, wanting to say something but feeling afraid of it being taken "wrongly" (something I fully acknowledge is an idiotic fear, but sigh, when you're in the heat of the moment..)

Another blond sat down on the other side of me a few minutes later. This one had a nice-ish face, but was too chubby for me to even begin to consider. But I thought I'd use her for practice. So asked her how she was going. I again mentioned I was from out of town and it turned out she was from the same place as I. So we had a bit of a chat about that and other things, but nothing ever got remotely sexual. That's acceptable when your intention isn't to pick up, so I didn't feel bad about that, but I remember thinking to myself that I have a bad habit of staying on "safe" topics and not getting sexual. After a few minutes of this, the girl finished her smoke and said she had to go back inside.

I decided I would check out this other club. By this time the few drinks I had had were beginning to make their presence in my system felt, which put me even more at ease. So far, I was enjoying my first night out as the "new me."

Those feelings change as I felt distinctly uncomfortable after walking in the club, as though I didn't belong there and "everyone knows it." Still, I managed to calm my frantic brain and tell it that, no, dumbsheet, NO ONE knows I "don't belong."

I saw a pool table and thought that might be a good way to acclimatize. One of the two guys playing saw me hanging near by and nodded his toward me in acknowledgement and I nodded back. Later he walked by and we exchanged greetings. I said if to him if either of them are up for a game I'd be glad to play the winner, to which he agreed. The guy spoke to won and he and I played. (I hadn't played pool for years, but I used to play a lot when I was younger, and for a casual player I was very good.)

Another guy approached us while we were playing and suggested a game of doubles between my "friend" and I and him and his partner. My "friend" agreed but offered his other friend to me as a partner, who was waiting for a game himself. So I teemed up with this new guy and we took on the other team, which consisted of a guy and a rather raunchy brunette.

My team won, but by then other people had come over and wanted to continue playing doubles. My partner left, and somehow I paired up with the raunchy girl. Her face was attractive, but not really my type, but she had a good body, so call her 7-8. I call her raunchy because she was really into the music and would do these sexy dance moves between shots. She was a good player too and she and I won something like the next five games. Although I didn't pay her very much attention, we still chatted lightheartedly while playing. Eventually we lost and she said she was going outside for a smoke. She had been "demanding" a kiss from me on her cheek (turning her cheek to me and tapping her finger on it) each time we won, and I had the feeling she was into me. I was really not into her sexually [my mind was actually elsewhere the whole time], but I thought I'd go outside with her and just gauge her interest level.

I went outside and sat down next to her and somehow we got onto the topic of her ex, and did I find it strange that she still hanged out with him (he was playing pool with us, and was a really friendly guy). I should've used the opportunity to "game" her but because I really wasn't interested in her I sort of just went along with whatever conversation she was making. She said there's going to be an afterparty at her house and that I was welcome to come, and I said, yeah, okay, I'll come along.

Believe it or not, at this stage I still didn't really know whether to think this chick was into me or not. That's what happens when you have a low sexual self-esteem. If this had happened to any other guy, I would have given him an iron-clad assurance that the babe was into him. When it comes to giving myself assurances, however, I'm racked with doubt.

Anyway, so I'd met all her friends by then, and I piled a few of them into my car and we went back to her place for the "afterparty." (Not much of a party; more of an excuse to get me back to her house, it seems now.) She had a jacuzzi at her house and one of the guys that came back with us got undressed and jumped in. She came out of her bedroom in a nightgown, opened at the front to reveal her underwear. Good God, what a body she had. Easily a 9 if not outright 10. She jumped in the jacuzzi with the other guy and I started to wonder if it was him she wanted or me. I stayed inside chatting with the other people there. They were not really my crowd, and honestly bored me a bit, but I did not want to let that show, so I chatted away.

One of the guys got a call saying there was going to be another party somewhere else, but only he, the raunchy babe, and two other people they knew could come. He was really apologetic to me, saying if it wasn't for the other four or five people there, he'd be happy to have me come too, but as it was... I said I didn't mind, and I really preferred to be going home anyway. The raunchy babe had gotten changed again, and the guy she had jumped into the jacuzzi with was trying to kino her but she kept shrugging him off and eventually snapped at him. Then she leaned over to, grabbed my hand and turned it palm up and wrote her number down my forearm in these huge numerals, which turned me on. "Call me," she said. And then we all left.

I never did call her, though. For starters, she lived too far away. But secondly, I admit I found her very intimidating. I doubt I'd be able to match her energy level in bed, that's for sure. I don't like having these feelings, but they tend to well up naturally, and I have a hard time getting them to subside. So, in the end, this was a "pick up" of sorts, and a fairly welcome beginning to my "new journey," but also a bit underwhelming, considering I didn't really "do" anything (except "play it cool," which I admit I was did pretty well) and that it left me feeling more doubtful about myself rather than more confident (as it should have).

 

[Xidiot]

After the occasion described in the previous post, I hit up some strip clubs the next few times I went out, hoping the sights would provide me with the "inspiration" to go out and approach. (I really am painfully apprehensive when it comes to approaching. It's a joke, really.)

I actually picked up a stripper once, many years ago. So there's always this hope that I''ll pick up another one every time I go to the strippers (not that I go with there with that expectation, of course).

The effect of it all was that the next I went to a club (this time close to home) I felt much less weird about the whole thing.

I almost immediately felt at ease talking to strangers. This guy I was standing near started telling me how he was having a ****ty night cos he'd just broken up with his fiancee. I wasn't in the mood to listen to sob stories so I changed the subject on him and he calmed down a little (he was quite fired up) and turned out to be an interesting sort of a character, if very rough around the edges.

There were these two girls (memory's hazy, but over 6s) sitting on a table opposite us. He looked over at me and tilted his head over at them. "Whaddya say me and you go over to those two chicks there?" he asked me. F##k I hate being put on the spot like that, and I hate approaching girls with a wingman. Well, I hate approaching them, period. But I detest it even more tagging along with someone else. In this case, I was very glad I didn't. Only seconds after he'd sat down at their table and pointed back at me (telling them, I suppose, who he was "here" with) they promptly gathered their drinks and walked off -- a classic "nightmare scenario" rejection. Personally, I would have been devastated if that had happened to me. This guy was not fazed by it at all. (I said he was rough around the edges. I can only imagine what he said to them to get them walking off so quickly.) I didn't want to be stuck with this guy tailing me, so I made up some excuse and ditched him.

I went outside to have a cigarette and saw I a guy I had briefly chatted with earlier. He was there with a couple of nice looking girls so I went up to him asking after a lighter. "You again," he said as I approached. I wasn't sure whether that was positive or negative, but he was an easygoing type so I just ignored it and asked if anyone had a light. As he felt about for one, one of the two girls took one from her bag and held her arm out with it. But by that time the guy had offered me his cigarette to light mine with so I didn't take the girl's lighter. I did notice her face, though. She was even prettier than I thought and had the sort of look I find very enticing. Rate her 8 to 9. I also got a better look at her friend, who was wearing a very revealing dress; a little flat-chested for my tastes, but more than made up for it by her incredibly sultry voice.

I chatted with the guy for a bit more. He was fairly interesting and sociable, but I was really angling for an intro to the babes. (But of course was too ***** to simply introduce myself.) I finished my cigarette and moved in a little closer towards the girls, to whom we had previously been standing with our backs to a little bit (while they were chatting to some other male friends). "Who had that lighter?" I asked. The same girl offered it to me again and I took it and sat myself on a table near to where she was standing.

I sat there half listening in to their conversation but no one introduced me or made any effort to introduce themselves to me, which, pleasantly surprisingly, didn't bother me. I think the hb9 and had already exchanged words at that point (something about my manners the way I asked for a lighter), because after one of her friends said something off-color, the hb9 turned to me and said, "We're a bit [something or other, "explaining away" the remark]."

I said sarcastically, "Oh, well, and here I was thinking you're all prim and proper."

"I am," she said with smile. "But it doesn't mean I have to be totally [something or other, I forget what]." [Looking back, that smile was actually very seductive. But idiot me, too worried about not being rejected, discounted it as her "just being nice."]

I didn't continue the conversation with her (cos I'm an idiot). I did keep checking out her friend, though, and listening to her voice. God it was hot. But I was stumped as to how to say anything about it. (Well, and stumped and scared.) So I just kept sitting there, telling myself I was "being cool."

Eventually, their party left, and the hb9 turned to and, almost disappointed, said to me, "Well, see ya later then," with that same seductive smile.

"See ya," I said.

I felt like a serious chump at that point. Why the fkkers didn't I just SAY something. God, how easy it would have been.

After I teased her about being prim and proper I could have so easily patted my hand on the table I was sitting on and invited her to take a seat next to me.

Yes, I could EASILY have done that. But because I'm an IDIOT I didn't. (An ex-idiot, yes, but part of the idiocy still lingers. God how it lingers.)

As you will see, there are more instances of girls making comments to me that I have treated as just casual remarks rather than as attempts at "opening" me. From now on my new rule is going to be if I find her attractive I am going to use any unprovoked comment a girl makes to me as an IOI, whether it's true or not.