WTH is this? Anyone else??

[DangNammit]

Okay - So I recently went exclusive with the gal I've been dating for some time...

We've already done the deed numerous times. We're going out this Sat night and I asked her if she wanted to just stay over at my place as we'll be out late and in my direction.

She says she's not ready for that?! WTH is that? I asked her why and she said it's just something that she'll be ready to do when the time is right. I asked her flat out is this some kind of 5hit-test? She says no, but sticks to her guns. She says she doesn't even know why it is.

Wish I knew bout this oddity prior to going exclusive. I never even perceived something like this would be an issue. Lesson learned: Women are insane.

 

[catman]

I will second the insanity remark and i also have a woman thats doing this to me???:crazy:

 

[DangNammit]

Catman - So what's your theory? I'm totally stumped. I think it's like they already gave it away, so not staying over is like a slut-buffer... Who knows?

 

[DangNammit]

Danger - Bite your tongue! My last ltr was BPD - I'm very familiar with it. Mine was a waif.

I've been trying to watch so closely with this one for warning signs, but haven't noticed any glaring red flags - though this situation is odd.

I have been to her place a few times and stayed nearly a full night once, but she would literally wake my up at like 4AM and tell me, "You have to go."

I even brought the BPD thing up with her telling her about my ex and she made some wise-cracks about it.

Now, I'm getting paranoid... Anymore weird 5hit like this, and I'm running. I'm still reeling from the mind-fvck BPD ex...

 

[sodbuster]

No ,it's a young woman thing. My cousins fiance did the same thing. Want you out before the neighbors see you"spend the night". Not sure what the difference between premarital sex and "spending the night",but they probably do in a womans world.

 

[Desdinova]

I've NEVER asked a woman if she wants to stay over - especially if it's the first time. Women prefer the first night with a man to be completely unplanned and incidental. After you've broken that barrier, you can invite her all you want.

 

[squirrels]

She doesn't want to stay over. It shows that she's in no hurry to move in with you.

I'd call that "smart", for her part. She doesn't want "sleeping over" to become habit, to the point where you end up shacking up/wanting to shack up together.

I told you...this is a TRIAL RUN for both of you, not a marriage. Don't rush into it, and don't rush HER into it. Let it evolve naturally and see where it goes.

If it's "meant to be", then she'll end up sleeping over eventually.

 

[Vader]

I vote for the slut factor, maybe her family has a local informet. I vote that if this is your only concern that its a plus. She might think about bonking just any guy.

 

[Kailex]

I've NEVER asked a woman if she wants to stay over - especially if it's the first time. Women prefer the first night with a man to be completely unplanned and incidental. After you've broken that barrier, you can invite her all you want.

Dang, this is so true.
I don't think I've ever asked a woman to stay over. It just HAPPENS.
If you ask, there seems to be emotional and mental implications for women. Don't ask them. If they stay over, fine, if not, fine.

I asked her why and she said it's just something that she'll be ready to do when the time is right. I asked her flat out is this some kind of 5hit-test? She says no, but sticks to her guns. She says she doesn't even know why it is.

Don't call her out on whether it's a sh!t-test or not.
You learned your lesson, don't ask again if she wants to stay over. A DJ could care less as to whether she does or not. If you're getting laid, does it really matter if she sleeps over or not?

I mean, what's the difference of her sleeping over?

As long as you are getting laid, it shouldn't matter. Just leave it up to her as to whether she wants to stay or not. Just because it's an LTR now, it doesn't mean that automatically you two are going to play sleep-over.

And yes, of course it's a sh!t-test, but you failed it.
Next time, act nonchalant, even if she decides she wants to stay.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I asked her why and she said it's just something that she'll be ready to do when the time is right.

Fail.

I asked her flat out is this some kind of 5hit-test? She says no, but sticks to her guns.

Double Fail.


You're far too OVERT in your response. You commit two sins here; first you come off as plaintive and whiney ("but whhyyyyy wont you spend the night?"), as well as accusatory ("Is this a sh!t test?"), and second you passed up a golden opportunity to demonstrate higher value and prompt a subtle condition of competition anxiety ("yeah, you're right, it's definitely too soon for that"). Agree and amplify.

No woman will EVER overtly admit to sh!t testing, at least not with the guy they're involved with. Sh!t testing is an unconscious, autonomous response for women; 95% of the time they don't even realize they're doing it. It's as unconscious for women as it is for men to stare a big breasts, so if it seems like a sh!t test it is, and the surest way to fail it is to overtly ask her if it is.

The best way to pass a sh!t test is a response that prompts a competitive anxiety and triggers her imagination about you.

 

[jophil28]

We're going out this Sat night and I asked her if she wanted to just stay over at my place as we'll be out late and in my direction.

THis is a situation in which you can lose a lot of ground by open discussion.
.
Just as we should NEVER ask a woman directly if she wants to have sex, we should never ask her directly if she wants to sleep over. NEVER ASK DIRECTLY.

Assume this - when a woman WANTS to sleep over, she will either ask you if it is OK, or she will just pack a toothbrush and some clean underwear and, later on, she will just curl up in your bed.

 

[5string]

My BPD would get up in the middle of the night and leave for no apparent reason. Then again, sometimes she would stay. Strange behavior. It's the fear of abandonment thing....she leaves you before you can leave her. Beats you to the imaginary punch so to speak.

 

[DangNammit]

Kailex and Rollo - you're both right... I effed this up in the way I reacted. I was more surprised and genuinely curious as to wtf the rationale was in this.

I did recover to a point and told her I understand and it probably was for the best and that her choice was probably due to her problem with pre-dawn explosive diarrea. I guess part of me doesn't give a f how she reacts to my questioning. Take me as I am or kiss my ass...

 

[scorpio1138]

THis is a situation in which you can lose a lot of ground by open discussion.
.
Just as we should NEVER ask a woman directly if she wants to have sex, we should never ask her directly if she wants to sleep over. NEVER ASK DIRECTLY.

/QUOTE]

I even have it that way with a fvck buddy. We can "discuss" past sessions and how we enjoy each other, but I mentioned once what we could do this one night we were going to hang out and she made some excuse why she couldn't do it. I immediately backed off and hours later we ended up doing it anyway. But I learned the lesson that day.

 

[DangNammit]

Well... she stayed the night last night. I'll never quite understand the inner-workings of the female mind...

I said nothing to her about it except a late night, "its getting late... you should probably get going..."

Who knows?!

 

[Bluntmaster]

This is strange. How have you been banging her and she hasn't stayed over? She just leaves?

Whenever I bang a girl they stay the night 99 percent of the time.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

We've already done the deed numerous times. We're going out this Sat night and I asked her if she wanted to just stay over at my place as we'll be out late and in my direction.

Sex is sex. Sleeping over is like playing "house." You wanted to play "house" before she wanted to play "house."

Never ever say "I love you," before her.
Never initiate "The talk" before her.
Never do anything to amp up the relationship before her.

you are in charge of picking her up, boning her, and taking her home.

If she wants anything else (relationship, committment, etc), she's in charge of instigating and making it happen by convincing you it's worthwhile.

You likely came across as very needy, and lowered your value in her eyes.

If I were you, I'd go a couple weeks without tapping it, just to make her wonder.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

This is strange. How have you been banging her and she hasn't stayed over? She just leaves?

Whenever I bang a girl they stay the night 99 percent of the time.

I always make it a point to tell the girl how early I have to get up the next morning, and how busy I'll be.

I once dated a girl for nearly three years and she didn't stay over once. She knew to be out by midnight.