WTF does this mean. Am I stupid or what.

[RKTek]

Histrionic.

This woman has abnormal emotional needs far beyond what any one person could give her. Her basic problem is a combination of lack of esteem and self-hatred that is so strong, she can't stand to honestly look at herself for a fraction of a second. The moment she begins to intuitively get in touch with her 'real' self, she immediately reaches out for something that will take her mind off her dreadful inner self and the more exciting the diversion, the better.

Women like this lead tormented inner lives. Yes, she needs you, but far, far, far beyond anything you can give her. So she is driven to flirt with other men, women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, you name it. Women like this are often amazingly smooth and seductive to get you to love them as soon as possible. They truly hope that at last YOU are the one to end their deep internal pain. You can love them so completely you actually give up taking care of yourself, and it still wouldn't be enough.

It's like pouring water into a seive to try to fill it up. You can try pouring more water, or pouring it faster, but the seive will never, ever be satisfied or full.

The saddest thing is, women or people like this have a slight idea that the problem is with them, but they already hate themselves so much, they don't want to or actually can't accept that they have one more problem. So they go on the crazy life quest of trying to feel loved. But they end up driving away those who would try to love them. It is a vicious and destructive downward spiral. Suicide is common in women like this.

Eventually they slow down, but only rarely and in their 40's or early 50's when their beauty or sexual attractiveness is gone and they have nothing left to seduce new people.

 

[jnallen]

No I don't and she will never change I know. She just places blame. I guess I am just looking and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me where I do still want her. Infatuation? Stupidity? All of the above. I hate this s**t.

 

[jnallen]

RTEK Everytime you post you tell me something else about this girl like you are reading her like a book. Everything you said is like her. It really sucks because you want to care for them. You are also right I gave it my all and gave up anything to try to make her happy. Her ex-husband told me I would never make her happy and she moved in and out on him several times. I wish I would have talked to him before dating her.

 

[thecraftylefty]

Hey jnallen,

I'm going to go against everybody else. I say try to salvage a friendship out of it. Don't go and try to take her out of your life. If you were/are? in a relationship with this girl for over a year then it does mean something (even if she is crazy).

Yet ending the relationship, if it already hasn't, should be your number one priority though. It's better to keep her around for a friend. Be there for her when she needs it. Some people do need guidance from time to time. Then if she keeps up with the circus let her go.

"If your rap is strong it can't go wrong."

thecraftylefty

 

[RKTek]

In a previous response you said something like "In there somewhere is a sweet girl". Wrong. The sweet girl you see is a very carefully crafted persona that she projects to new people she meets. The reality is that women like this inside are NOT nice people at all.

The REAL her, the real woman inside is a very angy, hostile and hateful woman who can and will suck the life out of anyone with low enough self-esteem to give it to her.

If you're deeply in love with her, either one of both of your parents had this same disorder. You don't know it but you were raised to have NO sense of self. You actually don't know who you are, other than that you need someone like this in your life to revolve around. You were probably raised to have no personal boundaries and to believe that you had no use other than to be a reflector for your parents. Their parenting style was probably "Intermittent Reinforcement", in that they'd love you one minute, then ignore you the next. You never knew where you stood with them other than low on their priority list.

I'd be willing to be that your first wife was very, very similar to one of your parents in that she too was demanding and intermittent.

Look up "Dependent Personality", read the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie and if possible, see a counselor about all this after you've begun to recognize yourself. The fact that you begin to recognize that this is way, way off of normal is good. You're seeing a glimmer at the end of that dark tunnel.

The road to finding 'self' is long and painful but you've at least begun to recognize it. Many live their entire lives chasing sad, destructive women like this, making themselves punching bags and trash heaps in an effort to 'rescue'.

 

[Monkey]

One day she will really hurt you jnallen, then you'll see how much time and energy you've wasted over the years on this person.

I had a similar situation with my second gf, she was also an AW, before I met her she would go from guy to guy like a fricken prostitute even make out with one guy then another then another in the same night!??

When we met I thought 'maybe she'll settle down with me, she only needs someone to give her a chance at a 'real' relationship and her old slutty ways will dissapear.'

Well, this DID work for about 2 weeks, at which point on New Years Eve, while I was in another part of the club, she made out with another guy and pissed off home with him!??!

Me like a tw@t, took her back and gave her another chance.

We had a good relatiship for over a year, but there was always a hint of her playing me for a fool. I know that now. We finally broke up when I saw what a AFC doormat I had become, I knew I deserved much better than her.

Remember its not up to any one person to 'help' another, I know exactly what you're thinking, hey part of you even feels sorry for this woman but it can't continue, you can't be responsible for another human being.

You have to understand that its your lack of self esteem which is making you hold onto this woman, as I said one day you'll look back at all this and be angry that you let her waste your time.

You have to break the ties between you, don't waste one more second of your precious time on her.

 

[jnallen]

RTEK: Yes you are correct again. She is bright and bubbly in public. You would never know she ever even raised her voice. Behind closed doors she is abusive to her kids and everyone who lives with her. Verbally/Emotionally. Never displays these traits in public. I don’t this woman will even last with a guy with high self-esteem.
As far as me. Yes My mom left my dad when I was 7 and I did not see him for 9 years. My mother was the same type as this woman. As far as my ex she was a very sweet person until she lost interest in me and ran off with a cop. We are still friends because we have two kids together.

 

[RKTek]

JN, right now YOU have no ability to rescue anyone. You're caught in a double-bind. On the one hand, you feel that you can't do any better. You are an empty shell and feel that any self-respecting woman could never love someone like you. As Groucho Marx once said "I'd never join any club that would stoop so low as to have someone like me as a member!"

So you go to the other extreme of desiring a basket case. You want to rescue someone that others have given up on, thinking that by your show of extreme selflessness, she'll wake up one day realizing what a sacrifice you've made and will love you forever in gratitude. The other guys just didn't try hard enough. Only you have the key. Only you understand her. Only you have given and given and given unlike all the others before her that have tried and failed.

You remember those first heady days when she came on to you like no other woman. She seemed to give you complete love and gratitude. She gave you the love that you never got from anyone else in your life but craved since you were a small child. There were times you felt so grateful and happy inside. WOW! But then she would pull back and withdraw emotionally. You compensated and she genuinely appreciated it, because after all she is a seive that can never be filled. You were pouring more water. She responded positively and you felt relieved as well. She once again showed you that love you so crave.

Then she withdrew again, this time farther away. It was not purposeful, it's just that she is a vast pit of self-hatred and horror. So you uppped the love supply (more water in the seive) and she responded. And it went on that way until you are like a fire hydrant or the Hoover Dam spillway gushing millions of gallons into that seive.

She actually sees what she's doing to you which makes her hate herself even more. Then it becomes a death dance. You both dwindle in this tragic pa de deux of mutual destruction.

Dude, get yourself to a counselor ASAP.

 

[jnallen]

I am going to have to more than likely. The doctor prescribed Paxil CR for me last week. RTEK you are reading us like a book. Yes when she would move out and take off it was like I was in a state of panic. I would do anything to see her but would not chase her. All you said about me in your last post is also exactly correct. Pretty amazing. Is it I am not thinking real clear right now also?

 

[RKTek]

Based on this incorrect sentence, I'd say you haven't been thinking/feeling normally for a long time:

"As far as my ex she was a very sweet person until she lost interest in me and ran off with a cop"

You need real, professional and objective help. The road will be rough, lonely and seemingly full of despair for the next year or so. It will require every ounce of self-respect that you have left. There is some still in there from the tone of your posts, but it's not much.

Like a junkie, you'll also find yourself wanting to pursue this woman, or another like her. At this point, a normal, happy woman will seem boring or stupid to you, so you need to abstain from dating for awhile.

Try to find a counselor you're comfortable with. See at least 3 up front then settle on the best one and stick with it. Talking about yourself will suck and you'll want to drop out several times thinking you're cured.

Make an appointment. Do it now. Right NOW.

 

[jnallen]

Monkey: Yes. One of the times she said she needed time I gave it to her. She took that as we were broke up and was giving numbers out at the bar and actually went out with a guy got drunk and went home with him. Told me that she slept with a pillow in between them. Right! She has done so many nasty things to me. Yes my self esteem exspecially after going through this with her is very low.

 

[jnallen]

The saddest thing is, women or people like this have a slight idea that the problem is with them, but they already hate themselves so much, they don't want to or actually can't accept that they have one more problem. So they go on the crazy life quest of trying to feel loved. But they end up driving away those who would try to love them. It is a vicious and destructive downward spiral. Suicide is common in women like this.

RTEK: Why is it she goes out in public and never has an outburst like a violent mood swing. She is like on her best behavior when out but behind closed doors she is very abusive. It is like two people or something. No one else sees it but me and her kids.

 

[RKTek]

Typical. And sad.

Sad that throughout your entire post, you barely talk about YOU and what all this has done to YOU. Once again in this last post all you worry about is HER. Oh, poor thing.

The truth is you're very uncomfortable talking about you. You'd rather talk about her and how sad it is about her and what you can do about her and her kids, and what she does and, and, and, and.

Yes, typical and sad that you have lost who you are so much, it's actually uncomfortable for you to think about you and how much you've lost here.

Yes, you'll find the road to healthy normalcy to be long and seemingly confusing mainly because of attitudes exemplified by your last post. It's all 'other-directed'. You have no idea who you are. Asking you to talk about your likes or dislikes is impossible since you've identified yourself with others. No doubt when you were married, your identity came from her.

You will never ever find any lasting happiness unless you stop and do the difficult work of really, truly finding out who you really are, under all those layers that have been building since childhood. Stop talking about her NOW. Stop thinking about her.

Think of you. Think of yourself. Yes it will be difficult because you have a fair amount of self-hatred as well, mixed in with your blurry sense of 'self'. But you must try to begin thinking of YOU. Now get away from the computer stop posting or thinking you'll find a real, lasting answer with any of us here, find a yellow pages or call your HMO, free clinic, whatever and MAKE AN APPOINTMENT NOW.

Do it RIGHT NOW.

 

[jnallen]

So it is my fault our relationship did not work out.

 

[griffin_mill]

Originally posted by jnallen
It is such a shame because somewhere in there is a sweet girl.

Wrong!

You'll tell yourself this to justify why you keep going back to her. Your justification excuses her bad behaviour.

A Don Juan goes out and ****s another woman, he never pines over one silly little girl or theorises about her silly little games.

 

[Bungo Pony]

I'd like to add something if I may. I've had an experience somewhat similar to jn. I was in a LTR - engaged and living common-law with her. Hell, I thought she was the best damn thing that could happen to any guy. I thought she was the sweetest girl in the world. Then she fvcked off. I was left with an apartment I couldn't afford. Debts like crazy, no money, and a desperate need to find somewhere to live.

One week after my ex had left, I met this woman, very much like the one you're describing jn. She was definately an AW, and also very controlling. If it wasn't her way, it wasn't good enough. She always used to pull that sad face 5hit on me. Crying was quite common with her to get her own way. When we'd go to the bar, she'd flirt with every guy in there. However, if another woman tried to speak to me, she'd quickly put an end to it.

I also understand why I was with her. I was suddenly missing the company of having a woman around all the time (my ex). I felt incredibly lost, lonely, hurt, and unloved. This new woman I found seemed to somewhat fill the emptiness that I had. She provided attention that she called love. She gave me self-esteem boosts very often, and it felt good hearing something positive from someone who seemed to love me.

However on the third night I was with her, she gave me an incredible confidence boost that really woke me up. I was feeling incredibly low this night. I told her how useless I was, how I was no good at anything, blablabla. This woman told me "Look at yourself. You have a good job, you got your 5hit together, you deserve the absolute best!". Suddenly, a light went on in my head. I thought to myself "You know what? She's right! I DO deserve the best! I'm going to dump her tomorrow after I go home." I spent the night at her place and went home the next day. I called her up and tried to break it off. I just told her that I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. She did the crying 5hit, and requested that we still be friends. I agreed. But it didn't stop there.

In light of my new found self-esteem, I hadn't called her in 2 days. She called and gave me a nice guilt trip on my answering machine. These guilt trips went on and on. Everyday on my machine, there was a new one. Sometimes she would tell me she missed me, sometimes she'd call me a jerk, and sometimes she'd tell me to have a nice life.

When women like this make these actions, they're looking for a weak spot. Once they find your weak spot, they will poke their finger through it, and start tearing at the sides until there's no more to tear away. This leaves you an emotional mess, and leaves them unhappy with no more to tear at.

In case you're wondering, this woman kept on trying to find another weak spot for about a year. After a while, she gave up knowing that there were no more weak spots to poke at.

 

[jnallen]

Bungo Pony: Yes she did the same thing when she found my weakness. She would use it against me all of the time by telling me every guy she flirted with and everyone who asked her out. 2 weeks ago she says yes we can work it out and now she called today at lunch and says we need to move on. She did this exact thing a month ago. Don’t call and then calls out of the blue I guess to try to break you down. Her brother does the same thing to his gf. She did the same thing to me. After all of the other stuff she did to me now I am left with no place to live after this month, had to file bankruptcy, find a new vehicle and she knows I am going thru all of this because of her. I had to store my brand new washer and dryer at her brothers and now will likely not get that back. I just started taking Paxil CR for depression and all of this because I wanted to show her that I care about her and her four kids. I actually took care of them a while because her and her ex did not have jobs. I wish I could go back to the beginning because I would see she truly never gave a s**t about me. The only thing she has done for me is teach me how some women can be and I will never forget this. She always left on holidays. That is cruel. Everything about her is cruel and selfish now that I look back and still this will still hurt even though I know she is not a good person at all.

 

[RKTek]

Originally posted by jnallen
So it is my fault our relationship did not work out.

Oh puh-leez!

It's also the Jews' fault that their relationship didn't work out with Adolf Hitler, either.

It's Pompeii's fault they couldn't get along with Vesuvius.

Okay, I suppose it's okay to wallow in your cesspool simply because you've been there so long you think it's your home and smells of springtime and roses.

BUT GET A GRIP WILL YOU?

If anyone else but you wrote this last post, how would you react?

"Bungo Pony: Yes she did the same thing when she found my weakness. She would use it against me all of the time by telling me every guy she flirted with and everyone who asked her out. 2 weeks ago she says yes we can work it out and now she called today at lunch and says we need to move on. She did this exact thing a month ago. Don’t call and then calls out of the blue I guess to try to break you down. Her brother does the same thing to his gf. She did the same thing to me. After all of the other stuff she did to me now I am left with no place to live after this month, had to file bankruptcy, find a new vehicle and she knows I am going thru all of this because of her. I had to store my brand new washer and dryer at her brothers and now will likely not get that back. I just started taking Paxil CR for depression and all of this because I wanted to show her that I care about her and her four kids. I actually took care of them a while because her and her ex did not have jobs. I wish I could go back to the beginning because I would see she truly never gave a s**t about me. The only thing she has done for me is teach me how some women can be and I will never forget this. She always left on holidays. That is cruel. Everything about her is cruel and selfish now that I look back and still this will still hurt even though I know she is not a good person at all.

Duh? I know you're so low you think you deserve to be kicked. It's what your new job description is: Professional Victim.

I quickly counted that you used "She" or "Her" 24 times in the above post.

How about listing the following?

What is your favorite movie?
If you were alone on a desert island, what 3 things (other than a woman ) would make you happy?
What are you going to do tomorrow?
How are you going to learn from this experience?
What are your goals for next week?
-next month?
-next year?
What kind of job do you dream of? (not one you'll settle for)
When was the last time you bought yourself a new suit just because it made you look good?

Yes, she's an evil tramp with a real, deep personality disorder.

Okay. it's a fact.

Now what are you going to do about YOU??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????
???????????
?

 

[jnallen]

Did not mean to offend anyone.

What are you going to do tomorrow?

Try as hard as I can to forget about her and get some help with the way I feel. Realize that she was not good for me or anyone else. Never let anyone have this power over me again that I let her have and learn from this site how to recognize women like this before I ever get played like this again. Also start working on the mess I have left. Beauty can sometimes be ugliness in disguise.

 

[RKTek]

That's better.

You are in a pit so deep you think down is up. Be forewarned that crawling out of the quagmire you're in will be a long road, but a good one. You will want to backslide along the way. You might stumble in spite of your best intentions.

You must be true to yourself, which you'll find hard to do since you've rarely done it before in your life. Today is that day, even as feeble and wimpy as you feel right now, the changes will be extremely subtle but slowly, almost imperceptibly you will find, or reinvent, or simply become a you that you've never been before.

You've also become addicted to drama. In a way you're just like the sad personas you've been dealing with in that life seems boring and not worth living unless you're either dealing with some crisis or have just settled one. You've become so used to living from one emotional upheaval to the next, just sitting watching a pleasant sunset can seem bland and unbearable. You actually need to "detox" and learn to live for yourself. This will be difficult, but it must be done.

As a first little start, learn to be more positive. I'll give a small example by rewriting your last paragraph:

"I will get new friends and get help with the way I feel. I now realize I can make better life choices. I now see the only one that has power over me is me. Wisdom comes from making mistakes and I know how to learn from my mistakes and become wise. The only real mistake is one from which you learn nothing. A true man cleans up his mess. In this case it means throwing out the trash for good, wiping my hands and looking the other way. My new wisdom gives me the strength. True beauty goes through and through and right now I will dedicate myself to loving myself and becoming that beauty."

See the difference?