Would you spend time with yourself

[Rubato]

As I was getting out of class today I was really ripping on myself hard for the way things have turned out with the girl I have oneitis for. Placing the blame on her for not being interested in me isn't going to help me grow. After all, if I'm right, she wasn't attracted TO ME. That only leaves for 2 possibilities. There is something wrong with her because I was very attractive. Or she's perfectly fine and I wasn't attractive.

She can find time to make dinner plans with her girlfriends, despite working ridiculous hours at this restaurant and being a senior chemistry student in good academic standing. She can find time to do other things too. But not to see me. And so I've been asking myself why.

And more importantly, why would someone want to spend time with me?

To put it in more PUA specific language, what value am I adding?

These are tough questions to ask yourself honestly, especially if you can't come up with an answer.

You're a fun guy. Other people are fun. Are you the most fun guy? Does it matter?

You're a funny guy - see the logic progression above.

Do this for any trait. Confidence, arrogance, dominance, masculinity, intelligence, creativity.

And while all of that is interesting, I don't really think it's the point. If Matt Redman made anything clear in his book Conquer your Campus it was to

BE THE MAN YOU WANT TO BE AROUND

Every failure is an opportunity to learn something. I wish it didn't work that way because I've lost out on a lot of things I've really cared about (even beyond the scope of women) because I didn't have a piece of knowledge necessary to hold on to it. And sometimes it really doesn't feel like that despite what they say, that if you want to dramatically increase your success rate, double your failure rate, it still doesn't feel like I'm making any forward progress.

And so that's why I've stepped back and am trying to be introspective about this.

Obviously, if I could choose anyone in the world to spend my time with, it wouldn't be some dude who was lamenting and introspecting about his inability to attract a girl.

What I think this is ultimately going to come down to is what I titled the post. Would you spend time with yourself, voluntarily? Would I spend time with myself? Sometimes I would. Sometimes I wouldn't.

Some of this feels like it should go in my journal and some of it feels like it's relevant to the thread. I'm having hard time distinguishing between the two.

But I know one thing, I need to get out of this relationship pattern I established sometime in elementary school where I am attracted to a girl and then suddenly feel inadequate about it. She becomes pedestalled immediately. Like. I remember the first time I hung out with this oneitis girl and we were cuddling on the couch, I remember thinking to myself how fortunate and LUCKY I was being in that position with such a beautiful awesome girl.

It's no wonder this didn't work. If that was how I felt, it certainly had to come out in some way through my actions. And I can think of several ways it did just offhand. What that did was turn me in to a guy I wouldn't want to spend my time with.

I need to go and don't really feel like writing anymore. You guys get the idea.

 

[st_99]

I think its a good post and I like how you wrote:

I remember the first time I hung out with this oneitis girl and we were cuddling on the couch, I remember thinking to myself how fortunate and LUCKY I was being in that position with such a beautiful awesome girl.

It's no wonder this didn't work. If that was how I felt, it certainly had to come out in some way through my actions

the fact that you realize this is flawed thinking, you're more than half way to recovery.

 

[metoo]

I've always honored and entertained myself just fine. I've never been lonely, homesick, etc. I've been entertained by shooting flies off of a wall with a rubber band, for hours at a time, for instance. I've spent hours waiting beside the den hole of a woodchuck, trying to skewer him with an arrow. I've never had any of the ego and esteem problems so many seem to suffer under. Can't really say why, but I suggest that you read THE PSYCHOLOGY OF SELF ESTEEM, by Nathaniel Branden.

 

[Serg897]

Rubato, I feel a lot of empathy for your current situation with your oneitis girl, and also the introspection you are currently going through. Based on what Im reading you and I are very alike (aside from the whole Christianity thing - Im an evil atheist).

Oneitis is a DISEASE. Its an evil internal monster that will DESTROY YOU if you let it.

I remember the first time I hung out with this oneitis girl and we were cuddling on the couch, I remember thinking to myself how fortunate and LUCKY I was being in that position with such a beautiful awesome girl.

It's no wonder this didn't work. If that was how I felt, it certainly had to come out in some way through my actions

Man o man, how this never turns out well. About a month ago I met a woman who I thought was gorgeous, wonderful, intelligent, blah blah blah. I was so proud of myself for being able to lay her. My emotional self was looking forward with glee to a fruitful relationship. This is exactly how I felt every single time after we had sex - how LUCKY am I to be in bed with such a gorgeous, sexual creature.

Guess what? After a month she hasn't rejected me outright, but I can feel that the fire that was there at the start of the relationship has dwindled considerably. Im currently backing off for a bit and fighting my own internal demons before I even think about contacting her again.

This is the problem with this mindset. Even if you try to act like a DJ, know exactly what to do to be a challenge, etc , the emotional side of you will manifest himself in your actions and will cause you to LOSE every single time.

Stop looking for a woman for validation. Start side projects and hobbies to keep yourself busy. GO TO THE GYM and exercise. Run, swim, bike, take yoga/pilates classes, take up martial arts, anything. This is how you spend time with yourself. In addition, go get more numbers. I noticed you do ballroom and salsa dancing. I've been salsa/swing dancing for 5 years and these places are goldmines to meet friendly, single girls.

The oneitis episode is a lesson for the next time you meet a woman that captivates you like that. I know it will be for me. This inner AFC hiding in my mind is going to be EVICTED once and for all.

 

[TopGun2000]

did p90x which improved my mindset/frame dramatically

 

[Rubato]

Oneitis is a DISEASE. Its an evil internal monster that will DESTROY YOU if you let it.

Stop looking for a woman for validation. Start side projects and hobbies to keep yourself busy. GO TO THE GYM and exercise. Run, swim, bike, take yoga/pilates classes, take up martial arts, anything. This is how you spend time with yourself. In addition, go get more numbers. I noticed you do ballroom and salsa dancing. I've been salsa/swing dancing for 5 years and these places are goldmines to meet friendly, single girls.

I am in a really bad place right now. I haven't felt this level of deppression probably since the breakup that ultimately led me to this website last Christmas. And it really bothers me. The fact that I'm letting a situation that ultimately stems from some dainty little girl blow up my life like this. This oneitis is destroying me.

To your point Serg897, I don't have any fvcking idea how to stop looking for a woman for validation. I was talking to my wing about this tonight. You obviously know a little bit about me from the things I've posted, so if you've read my journal latley, you'll know that this is not a new pattern of behavior for me. I've been looking for a wife since I was in FIRST grade!! I'm using my journal as a introspective tool right now to try and establish where exactly it is that I've come from, where I am now, and how to get to where I want to be. I'm still establishing the road I've traveled.

I do a lot of things bro. I go to the gym at least 3 days a week and spend 4-6 hours lifting. I read a lot. On the days I'm not in the gym lifting, I do interval training, biking, hiking, rock climbing, sprinting, jogging, whatever. I'm in pretty decent shape. I play music... in fact, I played at a coffee house tonight. I write songs and record them. I have a CD out with a legit UPC that you could buy if you knew what my real name or band's name was. I've started 2 different SUCCESSFUL businesses, and I'm only 24 years old. I was running the first one out of high school. I have been evaluated by 2 psychologists to assess my IQ and both scored me as a genius, above the 95th percentile of people (I just can't spell). And I go out sarging at least once a week. I have plates. I just don't like any of them except for this one.... who I don't even know if you can call her a plate anymore. Just like you said, nothing has been said, but you can feel that a cold war is taking place.

So the reason I just said all that isn't to brag or try and engender anyone's awe or respect. It's NOT doing it for me!! I don't know why. But I have had this insaitable desire to find a woman since the earliest i can ever remember. Maybe I spent too much time in church hearing the story of Adam and Eve and how God made man with an innate desire to desire the feminine.

This doesn't always bother me so much. I have been really trying to think about what it is, but there's only a very small portion of girls who are able to evoke this response in me. And maybe it's because I really do think they're better than me, like I was alluding to earlier. Because that's how I felt with this girl. I felt like she was better than me and nature must have screwed up somewhere... obviously... how else could she have been in my arms?

And this is where I just get the most defeated of all. The guys she's dated before me... I don't even know how to describe them other than calling them "bros". Like, the chubby tall guys who sit at sports bars all night and are all man and nothing else. Thinking about guys like that being successful with this girl when I cannot be.... I almost can't describe how defeating it makes me feel. Like to the point of just totally giving up. It makes me feel like I've been emotionally castrated, like I'm just some shell of a man, I'm totally inadequate. And I know on a cognitive level that I'm 20x the person that any of those "bros" were. She even told me on our first date she always dated the wrong kind of guy.

And here I am. Not for this specific girl, but over the last few months, I've spent about 3 grand new clothes so that I can look my best. Since Jan, I've gone from 206lbs of chubby fatness to a very lean 161lbs. I go to the gym and take very good care of myself. I eat virtually no processed foods and am extremely healthy. I think about things in between classes that most people can't even wrap their minds around for fun. And these BROS!!!!! These BROS are the ones who have been having sex with this girl! I mean, good Lord, it makes me want to quit and become a monk or spend the rest of my life growing opium in Columbia and using it to forget that I actually used to want a girl.

What in the world is my problem??? Why can't I see stuff like this??? I got all caught up on the fact that she said she was a Christian and actually went to church. I never researched this girl... my wing did that for me tonight on facebook... I deactivated my facebook a while ago. If I would have researched her.... I mean, I can't even think about it without getting more upset.

I'm seriously in a bad state right now. And I'm not looking for anyone's pity, empathy, or any sh1t like that. I don't want someone to feel bad for me. I just want to fvcking get this part of my life under control. I'm so frustrated, but not the way that you get frustrated when you can't beat that d@mn level of Super Mario or you can't find your keys. I'm talking about crisis point frustrated, where you feel like you're about to blow a vein in your eye.

At this point, I don't care what I have to do. Thinking that "I am the Great Catch" or "The Prize" or that I have high value, whatever, dude, it's not fvcking helping! When you feel like you're inferrior, telling yourself you actually aren't doesn't help. I just need to do something! So if anyone has any suggestions, I'd be glad to hear them.

 

[zekko]

Would I spend time with myself?
To be honest, I think I would find myself a little too intimidating to enjoy being around.

You spend six hours lifting on gym days? Yeesh.

 

[fibonacci]

I am in a really bad place right now. I haven't felt this level of deppression probably since the breakup that ultimately led me to this website last Christmas. And it really bothers me. The fact that I'm letting a situation that ultimately stems from some dainty little girl blow up my life like this. This oneitis is destroying me.

To your point Serg897, I don't have any fvcking idea how to stop looking for a woman for validation. I was talking to my wing about this tonight. You obviously know a little bit about me from the things I've posted, so if you've read my journal latley, you'll know that this is not a new pattern of behavior for me. I've been looking for a wife since I was in FIRST grade!! I'm using my journal as a introspective tool right now to try and establish where exactly it is that I've come from, where I am now, and how to get to where I want to be. I'm still establishing the road I've traveled.

I do a lot of things bro. I go to the gym at least 3 days a week and spend 4-6 hours lifting. I read a lot. On the days I'm not in the gym lifting, I do interval training, biking, hiking, rock climbing, sprinting, jogging, whatever. I'm in pretty decent shape. I play music... in fact, I played at a coffee house tonight. I write songs and record them. I have a CD out with a legit UPC that you could buy if you knew what my real name or band's name was. I've started 2 different SUCCESSFUL businesses, and I'm only 24 years old. I was running the first one out of high school. I have been evaluated by 2 psychologists to assess my IQ and both scored me as a genius, above the 95th percentile of people (I just can't spell). And I go out sarging at least once a week. I have plates. I just don't like any of them except for this one.... who I don't even know if you can call her a plate anymore. Just like you said, nothing has been said, but you can feel that a cold war is taking place.

So the reason I just said all that isn't to brag or try and engender anyone's awe or respect. It's NOT doing it for me!! I don't know why. But I have had this insaitable desire to find a woman since the earliest i can ever remember. Maybe I spent too much time in church hearing the story of Adam and Eve and how God made man with an innate desire to desire the feminine.

This doesn't always bother me so much. I have been really trying to think about what it is, but there's only a very small portion of girls who are able to evoke this response in me. And maybe it's because I really do think they're better than me, like I was alluding to earlier. Because that's how I felt with this girl. I felt like she was better than me and nature must have screwed up somewhere... obviously... how else could she have been in my arms?

And this is where I just get the most defeated of all. The guys she's dated before me... I don't even know how to describe them other than calling them "bros". Like, the chubby tall guys who sit at sports bars all night and are all man and nothing else. Thinking about guys like that being successful with this girl when I cannot be.... I almost can't describe how defeating it makes me feel. Like to the point of just totally giving up. It makes me feel like I've been emotionally castrated, like I'm just some shell of a man, I'm totally inadequate. And I know on a cognitive level that I'm 20x the person that any of those "bros" were. She even told me on our first date she always dated the wrong kind of guy.

And here I am. Not for this specific girl, but over the last few months, I've spent about 3 grand new clothes so that I can look my best. Since Jan, I've gone from 206lbs of chubby fatness to a very lean 161lbs. I go to the gym and take very good care of myself. I eat virtually no processed foods and am extremely healthy. I think about things in between classes that most people can't even wrap their minds around for fun. And these BROS!!!!! These BROS are the ones who have been having sex with this girl! I mean, good Lord, it makes me want to quit and become a monk or spend the rest of my life growing opium in Columbia and using it to forget that I actually used to want a girl.

What in the world is my problem??? Why can't I see stuff like this??? I got all caught up on the fact that she said she was a Christian and actually went to church. I never researched this girl... my wing did that for me tonight on facebook... I deactivated my facebook a while ago. If I would have researched her.... I mean, I can't even think about it without getting more upset.

I'm seriously in a bad state right now. And I'm not looking for anyone's pity, empathy, or any sh1t like that. I don't want someone to feel bad for me. I just want to fvcking get this part of my life under control. I'm so frustrated, but not the way that you get frustrated when you can't beat that d@mn level of Super Mario or you can't find your keys. I'm talking about crisis point frustrated, where you feel like you're about to blow a vein in your eye.

At this point, I don't care what I have to do. Thinking that "I am the Great Catch" or "The Prize" or that I have high value, whatever, dude, it's not fvcking helping! When you feel like you're inferrior, telling yourself you actually aren't doesn't help. I just need to do something! So if anyone has any suggestions, I'd be glad to hear them.

Interesting post - but as I'm a man of very few words...

It appears you've assumed her the wiser - that is, you've assumed that because your physically attracted to her that she must have some grey matter in that void atop her neck - else why would she date the uncultured bro's you've mentioned.

Her actions should negate your assumptions by default - she isn't all you've cooked her up to be. Ever thought of her as a human being? albeit a dodohead. I'm not saying you should treat or think of her as a subordinate but rather, come to the realization that she's plain ole stupid. Is that what you want? - Patterns > Assumptions.

I'll be str8 up - I ended up here because I was tryna figure out if a certain girl I was interested in was playing hard to get (thank you google). Only took me two visits before a light bulb went off.

Quit comparing yourself to the dodoheads she's banged or seeing - your only lowering yourself to their standards.

Your young dude (I'm 23) ... DO NOT let the actions of one walking vagina determine or dictate any part of your future at this point. If she does not want to be a part of it - bid her a good day, don't try to figure out why or blah blah... go on. Worry about where you want to be in the next five years not why she refuses to fall in love with you or who she's banging.

I'd rather rob a bank before I'd waste even 5 minutes trying to figure an uninterested girl out..... too many places to explore and other fine girls to fondle/bang/talk to.

 

[Rubato]

Would I spend time with myself?
To be honest, I think I would find myself a little too intimidating to enjoy being around.

You spend six hours lifting on gym days? Yeesh.

No no, 4-6 hours per WEEK not per day..... I have preserved some sanity.

It appears you've assumed her the wiser - that is, you've assumed that because your physically attracted to her that she must have some grey matter in that void atop her neck - else why would she date the uncultured bro's you've mentioned.

Her actions should negate your assumptions by default - she isn't all you've cooked her up to be. Ever thought of her as a human being? albeit a dodohead. I'm not saying you should treat or think of her as a subordinate but rather, come to the realization that she's plain ole stupid. Is that what you want? - Patterns > Assumptions.

Quit comparing yourself to the dodoheads she's banged or seeing - your only lowering yourself to their standards.

Your young dude (I'm 23) ... DO NOT let the actions of one walking vagina determine or dictate any part of your future at this point. If she does not want to be a part of it - bid her a good day, don't try to figure out why or blah blah... go on. Worry about where you want to be in the next five years not why she refuses to fall in love with you or who she's banging.

I'd rather rob a bank before I'd waste even 5 minutes trying to figure an uninterested girl out..... too many places to explore and other fine girls to fondle/bang/talk to.

Ok. Yes, you're right. I can acknowledge the truth in all of that. She's not some magical person that can turn lead in to Gold and I'll bet she doesn't even know what a Fibonacci sequence is, much less how to solve one.

The point of mine you may be missing is though, yes, I am comparing myself to those "bros". Obviously. However. There is one key point in this that's very important... in fact it's probably the only point that important.... they had sex with her and I didn't.

Now they may be worthless human beings who spend their lives and liver cells at the sports bar all day and die sometime in their early 40s or 50s from heart disease. Who knows, by that time I will be finishing up my fellowship in cardio thoracic surgery and how the tables will have turned (literally). I thought the whole point to my comparison was to say that I was flaberghasted that despite being able to write a song that was number 1 in several major cities and on hundreds of radio stations (that you may have even heard), being able to do all the things I've done.... they are BETTER at this than I am!

I know exactly where I want to be in 5 years. I want to be getting ready to start my general surgery residency. And while the girl obviously has a significant degree of control over my emotions... which is very interesting. If she only knew. I'm not sure of very much right now, but one thing I am pretty d@mn sure of is that she has no idea how much I've allowed her to mess with my emotions. But notwithstanding that, I will not grant her the power over anything else and will take back the emotional power she has as soon as I figure out how.

Maybe I should have been a mathematician rather than a political scientist/philospher (that is actually what my degree program is, despite being pre-med). I don't know if that's what you are or not, but you're much more concise than I am and it seems you catch on much faster.

 

[Serg897]

Rubato, I understand your insatiable desire, and I also understand how very few women seem to meet it fully. Im enjoying reading your story since I see so many parallels to my own life. When you do eventually meet a woman that seems to be "perfect", you turn into this lovesick puppy emotionally and any interaction with the woman becomes like a drug you cant get enough of. Been there, done that - many times. Even just now.

I think the key to ultimately beating this is self awareness. She cannot possibly be this perfect being your emotional mind has perceived her to be, and she doesn't deserve so much mental energy - so when these thoughts and feelings come up (constantly) I remind myself of this fact, acknowledge them, and then shift my attention onto something else. This is meditation in its basic form and can be done anywhere.

I am also pretty convinced now that a mindset like that will only lead to unhealthy relationships, especially for you. Think about it - you are constantly perceiving her as the prize, this manifests itself through your actions, she catches on to it and realizes she has all the power, and slowly she completely leeches away at your masculine energy until you are nothing but a shadow of the man you used to be, the man she was attracted to initially.

When you are just chasing the girl around trying to get your emotional fix, you are entirely too self absorbed to see the big picture. I am also fairly convinced that this is what causes problems everywhere - greed, corruption, violence - all caused by self absorbed people entirely too caught up in their own heads to realize the negative consequences for themselves, for others, for the planet, for society, etc.

We can beat this, Rubato. If you'd like to chat more, PM me - Im curious to know more about the specifics of your situation with this particular oneitis.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Alright, I read through your situation. First things first, drop the booze and the pills. They aren't helping you, they're not relaxing you, they are killing you. They are not a remedy and you cannot make any progress until you can think straight. When you're unhealthy, you make bad decisions based on diseased perceptions of how things are.

Next, you need to Kill the Beta mindset that's driving your dissatisfaction. Assuming you're not entirely full of sh!t, you sound like you know your value and are in bewilderment as to how some soon to be insignificant girl fails to see it. You're 24, and look at where the marriage-goal mindset has brought you? You've had ONEitis with an idealization since you were in 1st grade. You have to unlearn this. If you don't you will look back at being 24 when you're 34 and think about all the wasted potential that solitary mindset corrupted for you.

What do these 'Bros' have that you don't? They're not festering away hoping some soon to be past tense girl will appreciate how awesome they are. They could give a sh!t if she reciprocates anything, because they're too busy living. You can be a millionaire, rockstar, entepreneur, body building pinacle of manliness, but if you're a pre-whipped, beta chump at your core, none of that matters.

Don't expect ANY woman to be the idealization you're making this girl out to be. She just happened to fit your psychological archetype. No woman will ever be that. Unlearn this mentality before you actually do get wrapped up in a woman who does reciprocate and then figures out how to manipulate you and own your ƒucking soul because of it. You're 24, start living in the NOW, not the "it'll be great when I'm married" future.

 

[metoo]

Get your retirement money first. It's only 1/4 mill if you leave the US, or 3/4 mill if you stay here, and the 3/4 mill can be had before you are 30 (if you start work at age 21) Lots of life left yet, with all the free time and lack of $ worries that ruin life for nearly every one else.

 

[black jesus]

deep post man im new to the dj game and i always do this when i like a girl she becomes pedestalled and there was this girl who i used to talk to regularly with no problems but then i started to like her and for some weird reason got shy around her. that is why my next goal is to change this... whenever i see a hb9 or hb10 i make myself talk to her and im realising that they are just like everybody else!some of them act exactly like my lil sister!

 

[RedZone]

Awesome post man...always good to be introspective to learn all you can about yourself. I pride myself on that **** and now know what I am comfortable with and not comfortable with.

 

[AlexLefty]

Ok. Yes, you're right. I can acknowledge the truth in all of that. She's not some magical person that can turn lead in to Gold and I'll bet she doesn't even know what a Fibonacci sequence is, much less how to solve one.

Remember:


Women eat, sleep, and crap just like we do.
-Pook (i think)


Also, I don't think the road to self-fulfillment starts with you drowning yourself in activities (working out, swimming, golfing, tv, going on nature hikes, etc.) While these things are good remedies, I don't think they're the end result. You'll be perfectly happy once you are able to stay home alone on a friday night and do absolutely nothing, and be entirely content with yourself. Why? 'Cause you're the man, you can do anything whenever you d@mn well please!

 

[zekko]

No no, 4-6 hours per WEEK not per day..... I have preserved some sanity.

Ohhhh.

Alright, I read through your situation. First things first, drop the booze and the pills. They aren't helping you, they're not relaxing you, they are killing you.

Or at least switch to vodka, eh Rollo?

Get your retirement money first. It's only 1/4 mill if you leave the US, or 3/4 mill if you stay here, and the 3/4 mill can be had before you are 30 (if you start work at age 21) Lots of life left yet, with all the free time and lack of $ worries that ruin life for nearly every one else.

It certainly can be done, but most guys in their 20s haven't built up that kind of earning power yet. Building a skilled trade or putting together a successful business can take some time, even though yeah there are exceptions to the rule.

And the current stock market isn't giving big enough returns that you are likely to hit 3/4 million by age 30. Compound interest doesn't really kick into overdrive until past the 10 year point. A more realistic target age for retirement would be 40, or at least 35. Most young people are too focused on short term satisfaction to reach even that though. They're more likely to spend money on a sports car or 4x4.

If one were to leave the country though, where are some good places to go for health care? I know Canada has universal health care, but there's also a higher tax rate.