Would ending my relationship be for the best?

[1984]

Things can be going so well, then things like last night happen.

My girl and me were trying to decide on a movie to watch, and I was just throwing out random names. One that stood out was a movie called Irreversible. I never had any intention of showing it to her, but for some reason I blurted it out, and it stuck in her head. "Let's watch that one!"

For anyone who's not seen Irreversible, it's a very, VERY brutal movie. From the sights to the sounds, it's not something most people can sit through. I warned her, and tried pushing something else, but that made her more excited to see it. She claimed she could handle anything, saying she rented some "edgy" movies from Netflix, so I reluctantly put the movie on, but not before I warned her about the graphic, 6 minute long rape scene half way through. She said she's seen it all, and it wouldn't be a problem.

When we got to that scene she didn't say anything for a minute or two, then looked at me in utter digust, and said "Why would you suggest we watch this?". I was at somewhat of a loss. I could have sworn up and down that I warned her not to watch it. She then covered her head with a blanket, so I said we could watch something else. She told me the damage had already been done, so I skipped to the next scene. Then she asked me why I did that, and what happened.

Ten minutes later she brought it up again, said she's seen her share of rape scenes in movies, but that one went above and beyond, blah blah blah, and she went and said it. "I don't think I'm ever going to want to have sex again.".

She's always saying things like that. Making threats about never having sex. Rediculing me for having a healthier sexual appetite than her. Telling me "this relationship isn't going to work if..." everytime she wants me to go along with one of her ideas. I'm ****ing tired of it.

After she said that I just walked away. I had papers to attend to, and didn't feel like spending my time with her anymore. When I came back into the living room she was on the computer, and she started up again about how I always "run away" from everything, and how I'm being dramatic. I can't remember what I said (it was nothing offensive, really), then she said "**** you" and called me an ***hole. She walked away mumbling something under her breath, and I told her to stop being so immature. She started with the "what did you say?!?" BS, and I told her to go find herself a new punching bag.

She went to her room, and came back after about a half hour (maybe I was supposed to run after her), and apologized. I said it was "ok", which was probably being too easy on her, but I didn't care to drag it out any longer.

We're always getting into these arguments over the most rediculous things. Last week she asked me how I felt about painting the bedroom red, to which I replied, "But didn't you say you didn't want to paint the bedroom red?", which set her off. We went clothes shopping, and after I said I thought the clothes she tried picking out for me looked like they weren't designed for a straight man, she flipped out and said I killed her mood.

I mean, I don't know. When things are good, they're awesome, but this little kids **** is getting old.

 

[brian123]

how long have you been together...

Id put your foot down about this garbage.

Usually if someone asks if they should end it, then they should.

 

[1984]

We've only been together for a few months. She was the one to push the actual "couple" term around.

As for the matter of us spending too much time together, we live together. We've known each other for years, became roommates, started banging, then she called us a couple.

The whole thing is screwed up. She likes to act like she has all the power or something, but she's nothing but apologetic and affectionate when she thinks I might call it a day between us.

 

[MacAvoy]

You reap what you sowe. I told you from Day 1 that the only way this relationship would ever work is if you move out. You can't go from being friends to living together. Its not healthy growth in a relationship.

 

[1984]

I understand that, but I don't think I was ever willing to take that step to make this work. It got to the point where she was the one pushing for a relationship, and it just became one. For a while it was working, and now it isn't, at least not from my perspective. It's too late to move now.

It wouldn't be so bad if she wouldn't get as bent out of shape as she does whenever I try to spend time alone. I'm always either "running away" or she thinks I don't like her if I do. If I sleep in my own room, or go out to a bar, or want to go hang out with my friends, or if I just want to go play some Nintendo while she watches chick shows in the living room, there's always a "problem" in her eyes. I can't even hit the gym without her telling me to hurry back.

I feel like we're attached at the hip.

 

[DonGorgon]

The same exact thing was happening between me and my girlfriend. Most of the arguing and bickering and whatnot stemmed from seeing eachother too often, and once we decided to see eachother only once or twice a week all of that stuff disappeared. You two need to have some space or else it will be over. And after you've given eachother space, then you will know if you should move on.

LOL... all this means it that she has more time to see other dude which is what she really wanted to do anyway.. and she felt trapped and controlled by you so now it all seems ok since she can go do what she wants.

 

[Axcell]

The same exact thing was happening between me and my girlfriend. Most of the arguing and bickering and whatnot stemmed from seeing eachother too often, and once we decided to see eachother only once or twice a week all of that stuff disappeared. You two need to have some space or else it will be over. And after you've given eachother space, then you will know if you should move on.

This is true advice, no joke. The same applies to any relationship, space will make you feel closer. The girl should be a PART of your life, NOT you life. Do some other things with your time, become busy, and let her starting coming to you for more! We all want what we can't have and we realize what he had only when its gone. Let her experience that feeling! You'll realize her sexual appetite will increase once you pull back, well, unless she's a nun.

 

[Mr. Me]

I think what happened with the movie is this: you piqued her interest, but then when she actually saw it, she started wondering WHY you'd recommend a RAPE movie, as in "do you have a perverted rape fetish of some kind?"

Got to realize that people associate feelings with you. For example, if they have fun watching a movie with you, they associate that fun feeling with you. You may have heard that if you take them on a roller coaster ride, they associate the thrill with you. But let's say you take them into a crack addict den, or show them a brutal rape scene... they'll associate that creepiness with you.

You have to really THINK before you do anything with a girl (until it comes more naturally for you. Girlfriends and wives are not buddies and we can't do things with them like we would with our buds. There is NO "unconditional love" when it comes to women, unless she's our mom). "Will this make her love me more or make her love me less" is what you have to consider. The guys that don't consider it end up driving the girl away.

"She's always saying things like that."

Nah, I think this is a different issue. Her "this relationship won't work unless you..." is manipulation; threatening to end the relationship unless you comply, which is an ultimatum. So let's talk about that.

How have you been handling her ultimatums? By agreeing? Working out a win-win compromise? Ignoring them? Calling her on them? My guess is that you agree more often than not, which is why she continues to use that tactic.

A person should not be threatening to end a relationship over trivial matters. Her doing so suggests that she's not as into the relationship as you think.

"Last week she asked me how I felt about painting the bedroom red, to which I replied, "But didn't you say you didn't want to paint the bedroom red?", which set her off. We went clothes shopping, and after I said I thought the clothes she tried picking out for me looked like they weren't designed for a straight man, she flipped out and said I killed her mood."

Yeah, I had a GF once who said that she didn't appreciate me "throwing things back in her face" whenever I'd bring up the "but didn't you say you didn't like red?" kind of things she had said previously. She was bossy and rigid and I dumped her. Nowadays I know to look for flags BEFORE I get into a relationship rather than afterwards.

"she's nothing but apologetic and affectionate when she thinks I might call it a day between us."

Then you have to become more of a challenge and keep her in that state. Next time she pulls this behavior, become busy for a couple of weeks with your friends, hobbies and personal interests, without telling her anything about what you're up to except a vague "I'm busy". This changes the dynamics of your relationship, and so, can change how she acts towards you.

 

[DonGorgon]

I highly doubt this, but even if it's true, so what? I'm not gonna get jealous- she should do whatever she wants. If she doesn't wanna spend that time with me, then so be it. I want someone that wants to actually be with me.

Fact: there are always other dudes in her life no man can ever change that .. but they should not matter to you as long as you are getting what you want from her..

 

[1984]

Well, she's holding up to her "never gonna have sex" thing. She's still affectionate towards me, but I always hit a wall. To make me feel even worse, she's been masturbating. As a matter of fact, I think she did right after we argued tuesday, and she definately did tonight. Right after she asked me if I loved her.

I mean, I know she's afraid of getting pregnant and everything, especially since she stopped taking the pill, but when I said I'd start using condoms, she said they weren't an option. So now I get to do the boyfriend thing (she's still clingy too), with no sex. Not a drop. She won't even let me see her naked.

What's wrong with this girl? I really want to end it now, but I have no ****ing clue how she's going to react. I was actually about to end it last saturday night, but at the 11th hour she told me she was "in the mood", and I finally had sex with her after almost a month of nothing. We're a new couple, and if things are this bad now, I hate to imagine how thing'll be a year from now.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Oh no...not YOU again!!

It seems that every thread you start on here is one asking advice on the latest development of what can only be described as the most ill-conceived relationship in history.

And, in EVERY THREAD, you make allusions to the CORRECT conclusions (e.g. "lesson learned: don't **** where you eat")....and then COMPLETELY GO AGAINST THEM!!

OF COURSE ENDING THIS RELATIONSHIP IS FOR THE BEST!!
The movie has absolutely nothing to do with this. This woman is manipulative and controlling. She throws hissy fits when she doesn't get her way. She has mental issues. She puts you down CONSTANTLY, even telling you that you're bad at sex. Oh yeah---and she withholds sex.

You NEED to get out of there, or you are going to waste another year of your life trapped in a real-life portrayal of Sartre's "No Exit."

Don't your FRIENDS tell you to get rid of her?? Does your family know about?? I can't imagine anyone thinking that this is a remotely acceptable situation. Do you ACTUALLY see a future with this woman, or are you just afraid of losing an outlet of sex, albeit an infrequent one??

New posters and lurkers--examine 1984's thread history to witness a textbook example of AFC decision making.


Sorry if this comes off as overly harsh, I had a few drinks tonight...

 

[1984]

No, you're right. A little harsh, but 100% correct.

To make matters worse, and I'm ashamed of this... I agreed to help her buy a house. Her parents already put the down payment down, and are paying out their own asses to help her out, but she's supposed to pay the mortgage. She makes about $1,400 a month. The mortgage alone is $1,040 a month. Originally she wanted to get a few roommates to help her out, but since people can be undependable, she roped me in. She announced that her an I were a couple literally the day she looked at this house. And I just sat there. We're supposed to move in in less than 2 weeks.

So yeah. I'm a ****ing idiot. I allowed this mess to happen. I just can't figure a way out.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Holy s#it.

Here's what I want you to do, since you don't seem capable of ending this.

I want you to post every one of her bad qualities and every s#itty thing that she's done to you.

Then, I want you to meditate on that list EVERY DAY. Really think about it. How you don't deserve to be mistreated like this. How little she respects you. How she is using you to pay off a HOUSE (!!!). How every apology she's made to you is utterly insincere and done only so she won't lose access to your money.

I also want you to tell all your friends, family, and coworkers about the s#itty things she does. This is what girls do to psych themselves up for a breakup, and it might work in this situation.

Hopefully, by the end of two weeks, you will build up enough resentment towards her that you will put your foot down.

If you move into this new house with her she will make your life miserable on your dollar. Things are going to go from bad to worse, and when she finally kicks you out, or cheats on you, you are not going to be able to get a single penny from her.


Please do the right thing and get out before it's too late.

 

[LovelyLady]

1984, is this the same woman you were trying to get to stop taking her psychiatric medications - and that is also addicted to marijuana (a "pothead" as you wrote in a past post)?


********

I cannot speak to the choices you could have made to frame this relationship differently up to this point, but I do think it is important for you to take time to seriously reflect on how this relationship has gotten to this point - and how you as the man allowed it. How a man inspires love and respect from a woman... many of the men here can help address all of that, which I think will be a great help to you.

****

But I can, as a woman, tell you that when I love - I strive to love well. I want more than anything to add to the peace of mind and joy in my man's life.

I wonder - does this woman love you well? Does she add to your peace of mind? Does she have your happiness, joy, desires at the forefront of her mind and actions? In your gut - what do you feel? Do you feel well-loved?

Does she have your back? If you were incapacitated from a horrible accident - does she have emotionally what it takes to support you, love you, care for you until you were strong again? Is she truly a loving, caring, compassionate woman? Is she generous with her love, her time, her affection, her body? Do you trust her with your heart - truly? Is she truly trust-worthy?

****

I have learned that there is a point where the "why" someone cannot love well is irrelevent and simply accepting the truth of who they are is imperative to a healthy inner life. To sit and wonder how to change someone and complain and be bitter when they are just being who they are is a way of avoiding responsibilty for your decision to stay in the relationship, IMO.

It is hard to be the one who leaves because it places a profound responsibilty of action on you. You may feel like you are a quitter - or that you have failed in your loving, which can be very difficult to process emotionally along with all the grief that accompanies surrending to the knowledge that you must let go of someone you care about.

But I do not believe we are here to FIX other people - to heal and be healed, yes. But to be badgered, belittled, taunted, rejected, frustrated, manipulated, unappreciated, hurt, and just generally f***** with is not healing anyone.

At the point that you are at with this woman, with my female friends in similar circumstances, I generally say they no longer have the right to complain about their partner to me anymore - because they are choosing to be with him. And they now know exactly who he is - and what his true capacity for loving them is. By staying, they are agreeing to accept the person as he is.

To pretend to be surprised or somehow confused that an unloving person is unloving, a selfish person is not generous, a cynical person negative, an unforgiving person bitter - it is dishonest of us. To not take action on the information is irresponsible to the integrity of self, IMO.

Only you can decide what you want for your self and your life. Ultimately, I believe you get what you settle for - we are all living the lives we want and believe we deserve. The real question is not about her and how to solve her problematic behavior - or the fights you have (which are all just symptoms anyway) - but rather - what kind of a relationship do you truly believe you are worthy of? Do you, knowing what you know now, believe this woman is capable of co-creating that with you?

 

[The Bat]

Here is what you do.

Reach down and grab your balls. Grab a firm hold of them and do the following things.

Look for a new place to live. When you find it, call the apartment manager/owner/landlord and quickly rent out the place.

Tell your girlfriend that you're moving out to live on your own. Therefore, you will not be helping her pay for the mortgage. (I'm assuming you haven't signed up with her on the mortgage)

Cut all contact with her. If she tries to get in touch with you, don't let her.

Done.

You have to realize that she does NOT control your life or your actions. You can do whatever the f--- you want and she won't be able to do anything about it. What is she going to do? Pout and cry and call you a douche?! You're telling me you can't deal with a girl crying and calling you a douche?

Man up!

It's about damn time!

 

[decades]

she is a high maintenance gal who lives to create drama and make your life more difficult than it needs to be. That is a subtle form of emotional abuse and if it were me I would grab her around the waist, pick her up and gently place her in the NEXT! pile. But you won't do that because you're a nice guy wuss.


PS: you made a HUGE mistake moving in with a woman you only knew for a few months. Of course, you don't know ANYONE after only a few months, as you are discovering!

PS2: You made an even bigger mistake by agreeing to help her with buying her house!!!

 

[sodbuster]

Take some pavlovs trainng-each time you think sex is worth paying her mortgage[what does it cost down town without all the *****ing],take a bat had hit yourself in the scrotum. Contunue until cured. 2 weeks of sore nuts is much better than the life you are about to lead.
You think you are abused now? How will you feel 3 years from now when you have finally had enough and leave[without the 36,000 dollars you spent on her mortgage-don't ever expect to see that money back]?

 

[shaunuk]

Mate, she rarely lets you hit it, she masturbates instead of having sex with you, she's a demanding, self-important b1tch all the time, she adds stupid drama to your life...what other words do you need to hear apart from : "get somewhere else to live and fvcking dump her!"

 

[MacAvoy]

Don't listen to a bunch of anonymous bots on an internet forum. Be a man, do the right thing. Remember you make your bed and you'll have to sleep in it. Do you want to be responsible for knowing that this poor girl ruined her credit and lost her house you weren't a man of your word?

The other option here and now this is the real MacAvoy speaking is to hold this over her head. Move in with her and make her your b1tch, use your money as the power, you can control the strings, remember you can pull it away just as quickly as you give it. I'd be making her do all kinds of freaky sex acts.

This is the ideal opportunity to turn the table on her. But I don't think you got the balls to do it, but if you did, it would be the best thing for your growth.

 

[slickaz]

dude...i feel for you.
but i also feel you're not about to take any of the advice just given to you here.

anyway if you do. great! if you dont..your loss.

here is what i would do.

- Tell her you cannot move in with her. Because, you need to find your own path in life and you also! want to buy a house. You cannot guarantee a long term contract of living with her.

- She'll throw a fit, but you seem to be good at ignoring her fits, just go away to the gym for 2 hours. come back and ignore.

- quickly find another place, and coordinate so when she moves, you move.. to a different place.

- in the new place, do not scr3w your flatmates - trust me ive been there it always always ends in disaster, hence the "Dont Screw The Crew" saying..


This girl is about to give your mental state a thorough thrashing if you move in with her.

She is ALREADY dont getting herself off, because she dont wanna have s3x with you. wether you're good in bed or not is not my bizness, but if you were to pay for HER house, that SHE will OWN eventually KICKING YOU OUT. she'll OWN the house from YOUR MONEY....the least you should get from it is good s3x...not her self pleasuring herself so she wouldnt have to get it from you.

Man up son..

Tell the b!tch she needs to do her and you're gonna do you.

move out and get your own place, even if its a dump, its still going to be better than what you're about to get into.

GTFO ASAP!


She, her family, your friends and the people that said NO to asking her to moving must be laughin at you thinkin "look at this sucker! he bout to pay for her house...he aint got no choice..."!!! haha..u paying to be her b!tch..its a sad state when a mans come down to this.......