Worried about attachment.

[satelliteparties]

25 year old virgin. Dated my first girl (HB8 by anyone's standards...10 to me) 2 years ago around this time. Got really attached to her.

We did everything but sex (yes we did oral) she was holding out the sex because she was afraid I'd get attached which I ended up getting attached anyway. After she broke up with me after a month, it made me want her more and was obsessed with trying to get her back.

It got really ugly after a while, as far as me wishing I never met her, being rock-bottom depressed, like someone had ripped out my soul (despite not being depressed before) and just living, eating and breathing her.

We stopped talking altogether a few months after the breakup, and I haven't spoken to her since (no intention of either.)

Anyway, the point is, it took me a year and a half to get over her. Yeah, I was looking in person and online for other girls, but I'd talk about her all the time with everyone, and see someone that looked like her (even if they didn't) everywhere I went. To a degree, that still happens, even though i don't think about her nearly as much during the course of the day.

I'm worried that when I finally have sex or meet another girl I feel strongly about, that the same thing will happen.

Sure, I've learned a lot since then, and worked a lot on my inner game, but emotions take over when you're with someone.

As for things I learned...I learned that you can't control a girl's interest level. You can "not screw things up" and give yourself a chance for her to come around...but women are strictly emotional creatures, and there's no formula for winning over their emotions long-term. You have to be whatever "their type" is. Either a girl is apesh*t over you or she isn't. While there is such a thing as moderate interest, it can only go so far.

I also learned to keep the life story stuff to yourself. You can tell each other things...but getting "that close" with her emotionally right off the bat, if there is a quick separation, the loss will feel that much worse.

I also realized that this whole "Women are desperate for a bf" thing is bs...unless the girl is psycho, some desperate warpig, or some girl that's in love with someone out of her league. Men are the ones who get attached, not women. A lot of women just run into bfs by luck and then let them go like the weather when they get bored.

Anyway, the question is, how do I avoid a repeat? I don't blame myself too much...it was the first girl I dated, and also i wasn't just trying to get laid with her...I loved her (didn't even realize it at the time.) Kissing her (and I've kissed other women) felt indescribable...the way she tilted her head when she was thinking, her smile, etc.

Anyway enough mushy sh*t...my point is, in the present, I'm just looking to meet and have sex with a girl that I'm sexually attracted to and can respect and converse with on some level. I don't mind "liking" or even loving a girl again...but how do I avoid the Dawson's Creek sh*t and the mood swings and "I want to die" feeling? How do I avoid the obsession and loss of all rationality and logic?


The other is, I'm looking at it realistically...when you've been all but ignored by most women (UGs/fatties don't even check me out in person) and all of a sudden a pretty girl is showing interest in you, the real you (I didn't have a car at the time I dated that girl...she picked me up for the dates) it feels really good. You're kissing a girl, touching her boobs, fingering her, she's going down on you, etc...and you know it's for no reason that she likes you...you don't have money...common friends...connections etc...it's of course going to lead to emotions.

So I guess I'm just assuming that unless it's some random drunk hookup, I'll get attached and emotions will take over everything I've learned. Is that necessarily the case?

 

[Jeffst1980]

heh, I've dated girls that talk like you. Not making a dig- just pointing out that women ABSOLUTELY DO get attached...and usually to guys that aren't really all that sold on them..kind of the converse of your situation.

We've all been there before, though--the first time you get dumped is always painful. In addition, if you're unable to understand WHY it happened, there's an accompanying sense of powerless and confusion to go along with the sense of loss.

The solution is to make changes until you can start living a life of abundance- a life where you can go out and meet and attract women with ease. Easier said than done, but until you have OPTIONS, you are going to risk becoming dependent on every girl that you meet. Girls can (sometimes) get away with being clingy; men CAN NOT. If you get clingy with a girl, her attraction to you vanishes.

You are still young and figuring things out, but now is a good time to seriously start becoming the man that you want to be. Not happy with how you look? Hit the gym and dress better. Having trouble talking to girls? Make a list of engaging conversational threads that you can fall back on. Having trouble MEETING girls? Take a yoga class!

You can be reassured that if ONE pretty girl liked you, many more will...you just need the opportunity to meet them. The articles on this site will be a big help to you, but getting out of the house is of utmost importance in this endeavor.


Now, the flipside of all this is that when you DO start living a life of abundance, you probably aren't going to have this overwhelming sense of infatuation with every new girl you meet. In fact, you are going to be pretty emotionally dead to all that stuff after awhile. Nothing comes for free; if you get really good with women, you won't care so much about them. I think this is actually a GOOD thing, because it allows you to make rational decisions about marriage, starting a family, etc.-- instead of jumping into them because it's the third girl you've dated and you think you're in love with her.

It sounds like you know all this instinctively, and that's a good start. The next step is to take more of an active role in the seduction process- learn how to "lead." As you get a little older, you'll naturally improve at this.

 

[satelliteparties]

A couple things.

I feel a little better (I have dated a girl since...mutual break up after 3 dates...and been on several first dates that didn't go anywhere, mostly online) knowing that it wasn't me just being desperate, i was really attracted to her and interested in her as a person. She was a hot girl without the hot girl behavior (yes I'm aware now that more of these women do exist...I wasn't at the time)...she underdressed, didn't even seem concerned that men were checking her out, didn't have a string of female friends or male admirers, etc., had a face I really liked for whatever reason.

So if there's one thing, while I did get attached/obsessed, it wasn't that "Wow I'm dating someone" it's that I really liked her. Still doesn't make the attachment any better, but I feel relieved that I wasn't one of those psychos that just get attached to anyone who shows interest in them.

Also, the other girl I dated a few months ago...our personalities really clicked, she was really cool, lived closeby, wasn't ugly, etc., but I was able to walk away from her with ease. (Ironically and eerily had the same birthday as the first girl, I mean what are the odds of that? lol)

So I really don't know. What I'm worried about, in particular, is when it gets to the physical point (the last girl and I only kissed, nothing else)...if I get attached because a naked pretty girl is showing me attention again and it feels good to stick my thing in there lol.

It's happened a lot on here (I've lurked for a while.) Like someone said on a recent post, guys get attached through physical affection.

I guess what bothers me the most is, I don't know how much sex means or doesn't mean to me, and I'm not going to pretend I do know. The making out/fooling around/oral...dating someone you like that likes you...all good stuff...but to me, I can live without all of it, especially at this point in my life and given the price of admission.

I guess I'd just like to have sex with someone I find sexually attractive and know for sure, not hypothetically, what it means to me. The problem I have is...I seem to have that all or nothing attraction...where either I want the girl, or have no attraction to her whatsoever. Also, regardless of the girl's looks...if she has a sh*t ass personality, it totally gets in the way of her looks to me, even if just for sex. She doesn't have to have a great personality...just one that doesn't get in the way lol.

 

[Trump]

What I'm worried about, in particular, is when it gets to the physical point (the last girl and I only kissed, nothing else)...if I get attached because a naked pretty girl is showing me attention again and it feels good to stick my thing in there lol.

It's happened a lot on here (I've lurked for a while.) Like someone said on a recent post, guys get attached through physical affection.

I guess what bothers me the most is, I don't know how much sex means or doesn't mean to me, and I'm not going to pretend I do know. The making out/fooling around/oral...dating someone you like that likes you...all good stuff...but to me, I can live without all of it, especially at this point in my life and given the price of admission.

Worried about being attached to a certain girl is a sign of no confidence, major turn off. Your behavior should be such that she worries about you nailing other girls, not the other way around.

 

[satelliteparties]

I'm not worried about getting attached to one girl in particular...I'm worried about getting attached to the first girl that let's me stick it in there.

And no I wasnt dating her 2 years lol.

 

[Jeffst1980]

Having sex is NOT going to be some life changing experience for you. Since you've already had oral, you're a virgin only by technicality. Referring to a guy as a "virgin" is a bit silly, anyway, since there are no physical indicators of virginity like there are for women.

You won't get more attached than usual with the first girl you have sex with; in fact, you will probably be underwhelmed and feel a sense of a completed conquest...kind of a stereotypical male response, but it does happen. The feeling of attachment you are struggling with is simply a lack of alternatives; when you aren't convinced that you can attract other women, you tend to hold on tightly to the woman you are with, even if you haven't known her for very long.

Ultimately, you need to convince yourself that you CAN and WILL get other women, and that the physical attachment you are feeling initially is not based on her attributes as a PERSON, but on her current role as a tool for your own masturbation. Sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not..you don't start to get TRULY attached to a girl until the infatuation period has worn off and you can look at her WITHOUT associating her with sex. Until then, the bonding is only physical..don't confuse it with a mature love.

 

[satelliteparties]

I don't know, I've had buddies that got their first taste of p***y, even ugly *****, the next thing you know, no exaggeration, they were moving in with the girl just because they were addicted to sex.

Saw a friend a couple years ago for the first time in a long time, asked him how he was doing, made some guy talk, he says "Oh I don't worry about that stuff anymore, I'm getting plenty of my own" with his big child like grin. Keep in mind his gf is a 5 at best in anyone's book and has a 7 year old kid that isn't his.

Also afraid of a scenario like in the movie Road Trip...where some woman makes the p***y easy, next thing you know I'm in it deep with her.

 

[satelliteparties]

The thing I want to clarify too is, though I obviously have sex on a pedestal and am obsessed with the idea of it, I am in no way looking for the first time to be special, unless by special you mean in a bed with a girl that's at least a 5 or 6.

I'd have it tomorrow if some 5 or 6 agreed.

It just doesn't work that way as you know, otherwise sites like this wouldn't exist.

That's what I'd prefer though...a situation where the sex happens asap. I'm 25, not looking for romance. It was nice with the first girl, but I don't want it right now, I'm young.

I'm just being realistic that I'll probably have to go on a few dates at least for it to happen, and I'm worried that it will lead to romance. Even if the girl reciprocates, I don't want a boatload of emotions now.

It doesn't even have to do with thinking you can't get other women. If anything, when you're dating someone, your confidence is sky high and you talk to other girls like it's no big deal.

But I am worried about "liking someone." I like my freedom.

 

[LoneWolf]

satelliteparties;

i am similar to you when i meet a nice girl i get really attached. mostly cause i'm afraid it will take me another half of my life to find someone the same. i dont have problems getting girls. i have problems meeting one i like. im very picky with girls. so you can imagine when i finally meet a nice sweet cute girl (like the one im seeing now) its hard to not fall for them.

anyway, like you, i don't have a car atm and much money. almost all the girls ive ever seen have always done the driving. like the one im seeing now (she drives us around on our dates and takes me back home) but i make up for all that. i usually pay for our dates or give her a nice massage back home. my ex gf loved driving me everywhere and paying for everything so that was even better... only problem is that she was fat. nice girl but too fat. always called, text me... was in love with me. now im doing what she did to me, with this new girl

also the sex made me even more attached but the more i dont talk to her the less i think about her so its kinda good in a way. been 5 days now since i last heard from this new girl. really sucks. told me she would love to come out and wants to see me but shes so busy with exams and essays. im expecting a text probably tomorrow or end of week since thats her usual time to contact me. hopefully me suddenly not contacting/dissapearing from her life will bring her back.

really hate how we can't do what we really want to do so we don't appear needy/desperate. but when they do it, we love it